by L. D. Davis
“Aren’t you going to answer that?”
I had barely registered that it was ringing again. I looked down at it, saw Gabe’s name, and then glanced outside and saw Gabe watching with obvious agitation.
“Go ahead and answer it,” Gavin said, his voice dark. “Your…boyfriend is calling.”
I shook my head jerkily. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Lover then? Whatever he is. He’s calling. Waiting for you.”
I shook my head again. “He’s not. He’s just…just my friend.”
His eyes narrowed. “Just a friend that wants to take you away from your family.”
I took a step back. “What? No. That’s…that’s not what’s happening here.”
His free hand closed over our son’s as he stared at me. “It is what is happening here. If you leave, you will leave alone, Lydia. You are not taking my kids with you.”
A sudden sob broke out. I gripped the ringing phone in my hand. “Why are you doing this? You don’t love me. You don’t want me. Why can’t you just let us go and we’ll work out visitation and custody later?”
“You’re my wife,” he said quietly. “I do love you, and I do want you.”
“Liar!” My shout made both kids jump. Gavi looked at me with unease and Cora whimpered.
My husband remained frighteningly calm. “You’re scaring the kids, and I’m not lying.”
“Why are you doing this?” I sobbed. “Why are you doing this to me? Why are you punishing me?”
“I’m not punishing you, Lydia. I admit we have some things to work through.”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “You promised it would be better, and it’s not. It’s not. I feel like I’m dying a little more every day. You’re unhappy. I’m unhappy. So let’s just end this.”
Slowly, he shook his head. “I don’t want to end this. I want to keep trying. I mean it. Things will get better. They will, but if you don’t believe me or don’t want to try, and decide you’re going to leave tonight, you’re leaving alone, Lydia.”
I looked at my kids, first at my son who was staring up at me worriedly. His chin wobbled like he might cry. Cora’s fever had broken, and she seemed a little better, but she also appeared ready to bawl. Then I gazed outside at Gabe, still trying to reach me on the phone, still calling, and beckoning me with a hand. Either he was extremely bold to do so with my husband standing inches away, or extremely stupid.
Gavin’s voice grew dangerously soft. “I’m not kidding, Lydia. You won’t be taking my kids with you. Do you really want to abandon them? Because that’s what you’ll be doing, in addition to abandoning me. Listen to me. Look at me. Lydia, look at me.”
I did but could barely see him through the tears that overflowed from my eyes.
“I love you. Our children love you. If you leave, you will destroy this family. You will hurt me, and maybe you don’t care about that, but do you care that you will hurt our children? You will hurt them.”
He knew when he had me. He knew it when I could only stand there and cry. I looked at Gabe once more, stared at him standing in the street until Gavin closed the door and closed me off from my escape.
“Oh, Tesoro mio,” Marco murmured as he pulled me to him and kissed the side of my head.
I allowed the contact and closed my eyes to soak in his warmth for a few moments before
“To his credit, Gavin did try. He was more attentive, gentler. I think he wanted to want me in the way he should, and…I don’t know. Maybe he did start to change, but it was already too late. I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t flip his switch again and…I was just done.”
Chapter Four
Last Year
“Ready?”
Gavin stood in the doorway to the bedroom, watching me. I wondered how long he’d been there while I sat on the edge of the bed, staring off into space.
I got to my feet with a nod.
He looked me over, his eyes lingering on my legs and then my breasts. “You look nice.”
“Thanks.”
The little black dress was an old favorite of mine, something I could dress up or dress down, depending on the occasion. I paired it with a pair of sandals for our night out, falling somewhere between casual and dressy. My hair was loose down my back, mostly because I didn’t feel like messing with it.
Hesitantly, he took a step inside. “Can I make one suggestion?”
My spine stiffened, but I said nothing as he went to his dresser and searched for something in the top drawer. A few seconds later, he walked over to me with something in his closed hand.
“Turn around.”
I looked at him warily but did as he requested.
“Hold your hair, please.”
My brows scrunched together, but I swept my long, thick hair off to one side. Something light and cool touched my neck.
“There,” Gavin murmured, and nudged me to release my hair. He came to stand in front of me and admired the necklace he’d put on me. “That’s better.”
I glanced down at it, fingered the diamond heart pendant, the one he’d brought home for me years ago. I hadn’t worn it since that first time and had forgotten about it until now. It was attached to a new chain. The jewelry conjured a complex knot of emotions that made me swallow hard.
There was a softness in his eyes as he smiled. “Come on.”
He left the room with the expectation that I would follow. I did.
We kissed the kids goodbye, promised his parents we wouldn’t be out late, and left for our anniversary dinner. I drove, because Gavin drove back and forth to work every day and didn’t feel like being behind the wheel. I didn’t mind.
He talked about his work week during the drive. I responded at the proper times, but honestly, I wasn’t really into the conversation. I was deep in my own head, and I was tired. So damn tired. So fucking exhausted. My ailment wasn’t physical, but it was the soul-deep kind of weariness, the kind that left you unable to give any more, and unable to take any more.
He knew something was off about me and fell silent. He watched me, though, studied me as I drove. When I finally pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and parked, neither of us moved to get out of the minivan.
“What’s wrong?” he finally asked.
“I’m…I’m tired.” I met his eyes and stopped hiding the emotion in mine. “I am so tired, Gavin. And I’m done. I. Am. Done.”
He sighed with exasperation. “With what, Lydia? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
My arms crossed on the steering wheel and I rested my forehead on them. “With us. With you. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
His mouth was open, and no words came out at first. “You don’t want to have dinner? You want to do something else?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“Well, what do you mean, Lydia? You’re not being very clear right now. Why don’t you just say what it is you really need to say.”
I sat up and took a breath. “Okay.” Another breath, and then I calmly told him my plans. “I am going to file for divorce. I have an appointment with an attorney next Wednesday. It would be easier for all of us, especially our children, if you moved out. If you won’t go, I will have to take them and leave.”
Gavin’s voice was calm, too, but I knew him well enough to sense the growing storm underneath. “And where do you think you will go with three small children?”
My shoulders slumped, but I didn’t back down. “I don’t know. I will figure it out if I have to, but it would be much easier for everyone if you left.”
“Why, Lyd? Why are you doing this now, when things have been good between us?”
I bit my lip while I watched a family as they exited the restaurant. A man, a woman, and their four kids, whose ages appeared to range from four or five up to the early teens. The parents were clearly in a heated discussion with their oldest child, an adolescent girl. She stomped off toward a minivan parked a few spaces from ours, trailed by the
other children. The mom and dad exchanged an exasperated glance, but she moved closer to him as he offered her a smile and teasingly pinched her side. She laughed, and their fingers linked together for all of three seconds, but it was enough. Who knew what happened behind their closed doors, but it was clear they loved each other, and more than that, they liked each other.
My voice remained calm and steady as I answered Gavin with wholehearted honesty. “Because you make me feel like shit.”
I looked away from the happy family as they pulled out of the parking lot and returned my gaze to my husband. He stared back at me, his brows sloped, mouth set in a hard line on his face.
“Because you put this necklace on me.” I touched the new chain.
He blinked slowly. “I made you feel like shit because I put a necklace on you?”
“I know why you bought this, Gavin.”
“Because I wanted to give my wife something nice?”
“Because you felt guilty for trying to see Lily,” I answered quietly. He became very still, and I knew I was right. “I found a receipt in the pocket of your suitcase. You probably meant to throw it out and forgot, but I found it, Gavin. You never mentioned—not once—that you had gone to Philadelphia during that business trip. I looked up the name and the location of the coffee shop you visited in Philly and it was a mere few steps from where Lily and my mom lived. Google Earth is an amazing thing. I surmised that from the window of that coffee shop, you had a perfect view of that apartment.” I tilted my head curiously. “How many times, Gav? How many times did you see her? How close did you get to her? Close enough to smell her perfume? Close enough to touch? Did you get close enough to see the scars on her arms?”
He could no longer hold my gaze. His eyes were cast down, hands in his hair, and his throat moved constantly as if he were trying to push down something too big to swallow. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but—”
Before he could offer me whatever explanation that was about to come out of his mouth, I cut him off. “As much as it hurt, I did understand. Maybe if I’d been in your shoes, I would have tried to see her, too. I forgave you for that, but then you put this thing on me today as if it was about me.” I shook my head as I reached back and unclasped the chain. I carelessly dropped it in his lap. “It wasn’t about me. It was never about me. It has always been about Lily. I’ve been nothing but an option to you, or a runner up in a contest I never had a chance of winning.”
His fingers moved absently over the diamond pendant as he looked at me with sorrowful eyes. All his ire from minutes ago was gone. “That’s not true.”
My head tilted to one side as I stared hard at him. “It’s time to be honest, Gavin. Not just with me, but with yourself.”
He blew out a hard breath, pinched the bridge of his nose, and closed his eyes. “Lydia, I haven’t lied to you. I admit I made a mistake when I took that side trip to Philly, but it’s not what you think it was.”
“So, if she would have thrown herself into your arms and told you she wanted to try again, you would have, what…pushed the love of your life away, broke her heart all over again and come back home to me?”
He shook his head. “You have it all wrong. She wasn’t the love of my life, and I would have always come back to you, no matter what.”
My laugh was soft and bitter. “I thought we were being honest.”
“I’ve never been dishonest about us. I’m many things, Lydia, and have many flaws, but I’m not an infidel.”
It was as if a light had suddenly flipped on in his mind. His eyes widened and then narrowed on me. I read the accusation on his face before he could voice it.
“Is that what this is about? You want to leave me—to break up our family—for that guy? For Gabe?” With sudden, quiet menace, Gavin leaned across the middle console until he was only a few short inches from my face. “You’re cheating on me again, Lyd?”
I recoiled. “No! And it wasn’t like that before with him.”
“Then tell me, what was it like?”
I shook my head. “You’re being unreasonable right now. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”
His words came out in a shout that made me jump. “I’m being unreasonable? You screwed another guy and you’re trying to separate me from my family again and I’m the unreasonable party here?”
I took my seatbelt off and started to open the door. “I’m not talking to you when you’re like this.”
Gavin, who had never physically harmed me in any way, reached across me so quickly and slammed the door so hard that my hand bent in an awkward way, causing pain to shoot up my wrist and forearm.
“Gavin!”
“No, Lily! You’re not doing this again. I’m not going to let you do this to me again!”
I stared at him, mouth agape. His chest heaved with harsh breaths. There was a wild look in his eyes, but just as suddenly as it had come, it began to diminish, and his eyes began to clear. He closed them and his head fell back against the headrest with a curse.
Slowly, I turned away from him and looked out my window. In my peripheral vison, I saw Gavin bend forward with his head in his hands. A small noise came from him that sounded suspiciously like a sob. My eyes welled with tears that began to spill over.
In the beginning of our marriage, he occasionally slipped up and started to call me by my sister’s name before he caught himself, but I understood that. It hadn’t been too long before that he had been in a relationship with her, and even though I was pretty vanilla in comparison to her style, we did look similar. My eyes were a shade lighter than hers, but they were basically shaped the same. My face was more angular, but anyone who saw us together would know we were sisters. We also had some similar personality traits, having grown up so closely. It was understandable that he would slip up back then. Many people had, including my mom. This time was different. This time, it wasn’t a mistake. It was an admission.
In just a few words, never meant to be said out loud, Gavin had confirmed that our marriage had never been about us. It had always been about him and Lily. He couldn’t have her, and I was the closest he could get to having her. In all honesty, I didn’t think he had been aware of it until now. He had spent years in denial, lying to himself and me about his true intentions and feelings. There are songs, poems, and even passages in the Bible about how the heart wants what it wants. It has its own motivations. The treacherous thing can mislead us down the wrong paths if we aren’t careful.
Even though I had suspected the truth for many years, it still hurt to know I’d been right. My heart was still broken, because despite all the years of struggling through our marriage, I loved Gavin, and had wanted him to love me back.
We sat there a long time, each of us on our own sides of the car, stuck in our own grief. It seemed that the world had split open, and everything that had once been hidden was crawling out from its center. Without the words, it seemed that our tears and quiet sobs spoke loud enough, told the truth louder than anything.
After I don’t even know how long, I turned the key to start the car, put my seatbelt on, and drove out of the parking lot. I took the long route home to give us some time. One quick glance at Gavin and I knew he was in a similar state as me, eyes pink and puffy from crying, our noses red.
“I don’t know why I said her name,” he said brokenly. “We were talking about her, and it was an honest mistake, and I’m sorry. It’s not what you think.”
“It’s everything I think and more.” The words came out cracked and broken. “You’re a weak, pathetic piece of shit. Everything is your fault—all of it! You weren’t strong enough for Lily. It was your fault she felt like shit for so long, your fault she withdrew from your sorry ass. And when you realized you fucking failed with her, you took me instead. I regret ever giving anything to you. You stole my life with lies and deceptions. Did you ever really love me the way a husband loves a wife? For even a minute?”
I glanced at him, saw the grief and wordless plea on his
face, and looked away again. The eighteen-wheeler in front of me was going too slowly. I watched my mirrors for a chance to move from the right lane to the middle, and still Gavin didn’t answer me.
I asked again, my voice a little louder but still splintered like my stupid heart. “Did you ever love me?”
I glanced at him. He opened his mouth to speak just as I looked away and took my shot to move over, but I never heard his answer. He didn’t get a chance to respond. As I moved over, a car in the far left lane decided to move to the right, into the same lane, a heartbeat later.
I’d heard of people blacking out during accidents or other traumatic events. They wake up somewhere else without a clear memory of how they got there, or no memory at all. I envied those people, because I remembered everything. The accident happened in a space of maybe a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity.
We collided with that other car. It was so jarring and terrifying, and that was only the beginning. It seemed like forever as I tried to gain control of the minivan, but it was a second, a half a second maybe, before we veered into the far right lane with our front bumper facing the side of the road. I screamed, and Gavin shouted my name. He reached for me, or maybe he reached for the steering wheel, but it seemed to happen in slow motion. A large pickup truck slammed into us next. The van seemed to fold in, and at the same time, the airbags deployed and glass shattered. Gavin stared at me, but he looked strangely blank, as if his mind had gone somewhere else and left his body to its doom. A second later, the van was shoved sideways into the back of the eighteen-wheeler I had tried to pass in the first place.
I hurt all over, but my leg was trapped between the steering wheel and the smashed door. The pain was blinding. I should have blacked out, but I didn’t. I felt everything from my broken bones to my ruptured spleen. Gavin was covered in blood. His body was twisted funny, and he was too close, like our seats had been shoved closer together from the force of the collisions. He murmured something repeatedly that I couldn’t focus on. His speech was garbled. He sounded as if his tongue was swollen and too heavy to move. I was barely able to hear him between my own panicked wails and the good Samaritans shouting to us from somewhere outside of our smashed puzzle of cars. It took a minute, or maybe five, I would never know, before I was able to gain some control of my panic so I could hear him.