by CJ Cooke
How had my life devolved into this? A couple of weeks ago, my biggest concern was some conceived slight from one of my father’s betas. Now? Now I was fighting shadow demons with a clan of vampires and a witch.
My father would be rubbing his hands together in glee right now if he knew what the pack was facing. A chance that Grey could be taken out by one of these shadow demon things. He’d be able to swoop in and declare himself alpha of this pack, giving him free access to Calli. It wouldn’t take long for him to find a way for Tanner and River to be involved in some kind of accident. The outside world would view him as the heroic councilman stepping in to save a pack falling apart after their alpha’s death.
Even if Grey did manage to survive this, he’d have him executed for not only taking a witch into his pack, but also for cavorting with vampires. The fact that he was happy to do it in front of me, without a second thought, showed how much of his guard he was letting down around me. He shouldn’t do that. He shouldn’t trust me that much. I had no plans to tell my father about what was happening here, but it was a bad habit for him to get into.
“What if it was elemental magic?” Tanner said, turning the book he was reading around so we could see the page. “What if what looked like lightning in your ball thingy was actual lightning?”
He had a good point.
“It didn’t feel like lightning,” Calli told him. “I mean, it didn’t feel like I took anything from anywhere. It felt like it was something from me. I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore,” she sighed.
“But if you had elemental magic, then the lightning would have come from you, right?” Tanner asked, looking just as confused as I was feeling right now.
Calli slammed the book shut that she was reading with a sigh, “We need Cassia. I don’t know enough about this.”
“It’s okay to be frustrated, Calli, but we’ll get through this,” Tanner reassured her.
Watching them together was like watching an old-timey movie. I’d always assumed the way people were portrayed in those things were fake. Even humans couldn’t possibly feel that many things about a single person. But watching these two, watching any of the pack in the way they interacted with Calli, it was confusing. There was so much trust, love and friendship around here that, at first, it made me want to vomit. But as I’d seen how they’d stood beside each other through this whole ordeal, I was coming to realise it wasn’t a weakness to care for someone. To find yourself being reliant on the presence of another wasn’t a bad thing. If anything, it made them stronger.
“You’ve been quiet all morning.” I was too busy thinking about the softness of her voice to even realise she was talking to me. When her hand found its way to mine, I looked up and met her eyes.
She was so fucking beautiful. But Calli was so much more than how she looked on the outside. She was too kind for this world that wanted nothing more than to strip her down and find out how she worked and what it could mean for them. She was the purest and most selfless of us. And it would eventually be her downfall. There was no way someone like her could survive in a world such as ours.
“Are you okay, Mav?” Tanner asked. Hearing the shortened name being said by him shouldn’t have made me happy. I shouldn’t be letting myself get comfortable here, even if it was with my brother and my mate. No, our mate.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s just a lot to wrap your head around. I don’t really know anything about this sort of thing, and I’m starting to feel more than a little useless.”
Shit! Where did that come from? Talk about getting a bit too close to the truth.
“We all feel like that. I wouldn’t worry,” Tanner chuckled. “This is a steeper learning curve than when you have to figure out how not to spontaneously shift in public.” He winced as he said it, no doubt he remembered I was the freak of a shifter that didn’t shift.
I couldn’t believe that all these years, I’d let my father get into my head and keep this twisted idea it was a test of strength. It was just one more thing he used to keep me under control, and I was the fool that hadn’t been able to see it for what it truly was.
“Sorry, brother,” Tanner said quietly, but it felt almost like a slap in the face.
It was a term of endearment, but it felt like a reminder of everything that had been stolen from me.
“Would you… like to shift with us, Maverick?” Calli asked, sounding a little unsure of herself. I hated myself for making her feel like that.
I almost didn’t catch her question. I was too occupied with the feeling of self-loathing flashing through me.
“Shift! Like now?”
“Yeah, I mean, you wouldn’t have to if you started to feel uncomfortable or anything, but at least this way, for your first time, it’s just Tanner and me there. Unless you’d prefer to try with Grey or someone else.” Calli was putting in some serious backpedalling now, and I could see the doubt starting to set in strong.
“No, it’s not that,” I answered quickly. “I mean, yeah, we can do that.”
What the fuck was I doing? What was it about these two that just made me agree with them and say whatever was on my mind?
“Yes!” Tanner cheered. “Come on, I could do with a run, and I know my wolf is dying to meet his brother.”
Tanner charged out of the library with a hoot of glee, and Calli shook her head as she stood up but waited for me to join her like she almost knew I was a flight risk if she turned her back.
“You can stop at any point, you know,” she told me quietly as I reluctantly followed her through the kitchen and out the back door.
Just looking at the boarded-up doors had me flashing back to the other night with that shadow demon. It had haunted my dreams for the past two nights. When the pack had shifted and sprinted for the house, I’d been left to run behind them like the broken person I was. I couldn’t even keep up with the pack I was supposed to become a part of. If it hadn’t been for the other witch running alongside me, I would’ve turned around and left right then—taken my chances and hoped one of the shadow demons took me out.
We ended up standing on the grass where they’d tried to get me to take the pack bond before I had a meltdown like a tantruming child last time.
“Okay, since last time, have you tried to connect with your wolf at all?” Calli asked.
I could see questions burning in Tanner’s eyes, but for some reason, he didn’t ask any of them. He gave me a kind smile and an encouraging nod.
“There was a moment at the garage with Tanner that I felt my wolf push forward, but I… I may have panicked a bit and pushed him back down,” I admitted, blushing like a schoolboy.
Why was I so useless all the time?
“Well, before we do anything, why don’t you see if you can feel him now? I find it helps if I close my eyes, so I’m not getting distracted by, say, fidgeting over-excited wolves,” Calli said, giving Tanner the side-eye. If anything, it just made him bark out a laugh and start dancing about even more.
I felt like an idiot, but I closed my eyes because apparently, I, like everyone around me, found it impossible not to fall under Calli’s spell. I didn’t even have to look inside myself or spend hours trying to find my centre because he was there, like always, waiting patiently.
Part of me worried if I finally surrendered to the shift, I’d be stuck as an animal for the rest of my life. I didn’t see why he’d ever agree to let me shift back when I’d kept him caged for all these years. But maybe that would be the best outcome for me. All the worries of being this person would melt away if I surrendered to the wolf. For once in my life, my existence would be simple and mine, just mine. No one would want anything from me. I’d finally be free.
At that thought, I could almost feel my wolf whimper and his ears lay flat against his head. He didn’t want to leave this place, this pack. But what did he know? These people were too good for us. The only thing we’d do would be to pollute this place.
“Once you connect with him, just sink into that fe
eling,” Tanner’s voice drifted to me, and my wolf perked up at the sound. “I don’t know a better way to describe it.”
Well, that blew. Okay, how hard could this be? Teenagers could do it. Jacob was only like, I didn’t know, mini! He managed it on his own.
At first, nothing happened, and the feeling of stupidity seemed to rise, but then I felt something brush against my hand. Soft and warm, I turned my hand over, and my fingers sunk into the soft fur. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know it was her. She was the last piece of the puzzle my wolf needed as he eagerly pushed forward to meet his mate and I sunk into the sensation of my first ever shift.
I’d always imagined it would be painful. How could it not be? Your entire body condensing down into the shape of a wolf shouldn’t have been an easy process. But it was. It was almost like I could feel the magic wash over my body.
The sensation of tipping forward was a little disconcerting, but not as much as realising that I was on four paws now. My wolf was entirely in charge, but I didn’t feel like I’d been shoved into the background, and he was taking over. We are one. We were doing this together. It was like all of his joy and relief soaked into me. His world was so much more straightforward than mine. All he cared about was the fact that this moment, here and now, was what he wanted. He didn’t think about yesterday or tomorrow. He was meeting his brother and his mate, and that was all that mattered to him.
Opening my eyes, it took me a moment to adjust to the world from this different perspective. But I didn’t get much of a chance to do that because the beautiful white wolf in front of me completely captured my attention. That was when I understood it, though. The reason why Calli had the carefree, easy attitude, and the fierce unending loyalty for those she cared about. She’d accepted every side of her nature. There was no internal conflict, no warring emotions of two souls trying to inhabit the same body. She was at peace with herself, with her place in our world.
I must’ve stood staring at her for too long because her head cocked to one side in question, and she slowly approached me before rubbing her head against mine. I felt my wolf shiver in joy at the touch of his mate. She stepped back to look me in the eye, and the instant sensation of loss hit me hard, not as hard as Tanner barrelling into me at top speed, though.
We rolled together in a ball of fur and growls, his far more playful than my own before we came to a stop in a heap on the grass. I somehow found myself at the bottom of our heap, and he looked down at me with a wolfy smile on his face.
I didn’t have time to be annoyed, though before Calli pounced and then it was the two of them, flailing around on top of me, canine huffs of amusement filling the air.
I scampered out from under them, not sure what I was supposed to do with myself. This was so unlike how I was taught to act, and even with the freedom of being my wolf, I didn’t know if I had it in me to roughhouse and play the way they were.
Calli and Tanner seemed to realise I’d escaped at the same time and untangled themselves to look at me in curiosity. I froze in anticipation of the next Tanner shaped impact that was no doubt to come. But rather than charge at me, Tanner lowered his front down to the ground, and I recognised it as the invitation to play that it was meant to be.
Tanner was always going to confuse me. He was the beta in this pack, he held a prestigious position. But he didn’t consider himself better than anyone else in the pack. In fact, he seemed to think his job was to make sure everyone else was cared for. I’d never experienced that in my father’s pack, where the beta considered himself just a step below the alpha and was to always be obeyed.
My wolf pushed the thought ‘play’ through my mind. I wanted to, or at least I thought I did. Tanner invited this easy way of life out of everyone around him. He was easy to let go with. To find a sense of self that didn’t rely on all of the expectations the world placed on you.
‘Run, play,' echoed around my mind again.
So much was running through my head, so many doubts and confusion. My human mind warred with the wolf. I knew I was clinging to the past, to things that didn’t really matter, but I’d lived through those things; they’d been beaten into me until they became part of me. It wasn’t as easy as just letting go.
My eyes set on the lazy way Tanner’s tail wagged from side to side, and the joy that danced in Calli’s wolf eyes.
I couldn’t… I couldn’t… fuck it! I turned, and I ran, my yip of joy echoed behind me, only to be returned by my brother and my mate as they gave chase.
53
Calli
Running with Maverick’s wolf had been incredible. I’d never seen him look so free and happy before. The only thing that would’ve made it better would have been if we’d been able to talk to him in wolf form. I’d seen the indecision and the pain in his eyes before he finally gave in and ran into the woods to play. But Maverick didn’t have the pack bond yet, so we had to make do with reassuring him the wolfy way, with licks and nuzzles.
I’d left Maverick and Tanner still in their wolf forms, lazing on the grass and came inside because there was something I needed to do, and I wanted to do it on my own. Padding down the stairs to the basement, a shudder of dread ran down my spine. I knew I was avoiding this part of the house. I kept telling myself it was because I didn’t need to come down here, but deep down, I knew that was bullshit.
I was weirdly nervous when I opened the door, but I didn’t know why. I met his eyes when he looked up from the makeshift bed in the cage, and the soft smile he gave me immediately settled my nerves. This was James; he was a good man. Surely some of that had to have stayed with him.
“I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“Yeah, it all kind of happened after...” my words suddenly failed me.
“I got attacked by a demon and turned into a vampire?” He chuckled humourlessly. When you said it out loud, it did sound pretty ridiculous in the context of everyday life.
“Careless, really,” I faux sighed and then, with a grin, went to sit down on the other side of the cage from him. “I’m sorry we weren’t able to make you more comfortable,” I told him as I looked around the dim room where his cage sat.
“It’s okay. It’s only temporary. I’m starting to feel a bit more like myself, more in control. It’s just… just when the hunger starts.” He looked away from me, and I could feel his shame radiating from him.
This was going to be the hardest part for him. Dealing with what he’d become. Davion seemed like a good person to get him through it, though. He didn’t suffer needless feeding like some of the clan heads. I’d had no idea they survived on donated blood before, but I did know he didn’t allow his clan members to kill humans. James was lucky he didn’t, really. I think the sympathy his clan had towards humans was the only reason he hadn’t been left to die in the street.
“Once you become stronger, it will become easier. Or so I’ve heard, I actually have no idea if that’s right.”
He smiled and huffed a laugh. At least I was making an effort.
“Anyway, I brought you this. I thought you might be getting a bit bored.”
I passed the book I’d brought through the cage to him, and he looked down at it with wide, surprised eyes. It did look pretty old, and I suppose it was probably quite rare.
“It’s from the collection my mother put together. If you’d prefer something more… I don’t know, human, just let me know, and I’ll see what I can find.” I was starting to feel awkward from the way he was just looking down at the book in his hands and not saying anything.
“It’s not that,” he finally told me. “It’s just that no one else has thought about it before.”
James ran one hand over the cover of the book like it was the most precious thing he’d ever seen.
“From what I can tell when I flicked through it earlier, it’s a record of the history of vampires, going back to the first,” I told him. “I thought it might be useful.”
“Thank you, Calli,” he whispered, looking up to m
eet my eyes finally, and I saw the tears swimming there. “I’ll take very good care of it while I’m reading.”
“If there is anything else you’d like, I can get it for you. I don’t know how long this whole process is supposed to take. Would you… would you like me to talk to Mary for you?”
James’ eyes widened in alarm, and I saw him whisper her name to himself. I had that stomach-dropping feeling that I’d done something I shouldn’t have.
“Mary,” he whispered again. “That was her name, what... what is she to me?” he asked.
He didn’t remember her. He didn’t remember his life before this!
“Someone from your life before,” I told him evasively. “You don’t remember before?”
“No, just bits and pieces here and there, more feelings than actual memories. I know I was happy, and I know there was a house, no, a home. I remember a few faces and a collection of memories, like you and… the boy, moving into the house.” He frowned as he tried to put the puzzle together in his mind and I felt so sorry for him.
James didn’t look sad as he spoke. It was like he was more confused than anything else.
“Davion says it’s better to let my mind remember these things on its own. That there is a reason why you can’t remember in the beginning. He says it would be too much for a person to be able to manage the transition while being plagued with memories of the past. I get the feeling he’s talking about something in his own past rather than mine, but I suppose it does make sense in a way.”
I nodded in agreement. Davion was the only one with any experience in these things, and it made sense that we should let him lead the process.
“You remembered me, though,” I pointed out. “Perhaps that means things will start coming back to you soon.”
It sounded like I was just trying to placate him, and I suppose I was. The thought of him trapped in this cage, alone, going through this transition, and losing his humanity, was just too sad.