“Oh.”
“Does that seem too much?”
Natalie didn’t answer.
“Yeah,” Evie said. “Sorry. What I mean is, wouldn’t you want that much? If you were going to?”
“Probably.”
“Would you? For that much?”
Natalie looked at Evie. “Probably,” she said again.
“So how much?” Evie said. “Exactly? How much for you to do what I’m about to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Guess. Say a number.”
“I really don’t know,” Natalie said. She picked up the wine bottle, and poured more into both their glasses. She picked up her own glass and sipped.
“I’m just wondering,” Evie said.
“I know.”
“Do you not want to tell me?”
“Do you mind if I don’t? I’m really not sure I know.”
Evie nodded, a little hurt. Natalie seemed a little upset that Evie had asked.
Evie thought for a moment, quietly, trying to work what she’d done wrong. She decided Natalie meant she wouldn’t let someone pay her, no matter how much she was offered, but that she didn’t want to embarrass Evie by saying so to Evie’s face. Evie didn’t care. She didn’t really mind that Natalie wouldn’t do something herself that she was paying Evie to do. People were different. Some people liked being on top, and some underneath. Being paid and paying seemed almost the same. A preference some people had, that others didn’t. Evie didn’t care, but it seemed as though Natalie didn’t want her making comparisons between them like that.
Evie sat, and thought, and realized she was getting used to the idea of what she was about to do. They sipped wine, and looked at each other. Evie still didn’t know how this should begin.
“I just want to ask,” Evie said, still looking at the money. “Just before anything much happens. Are you completely sure about this?”
“I’m sure.”
“Completely?”
“Yes,” Natalie said. “Completely.”
Evie nodded, and folded the money, and tucked it into her skirt pocket. She put it away, then realised she’d probably be taking her clothes off very soon, so that didn’t actually make that much sense. It didn’t really matter, she supposed. She just wasn’t used to thinking how she ought to be right now.
She sat there looking at Natalie, wondering what to do next. She felt almost guilty, like she was about to do something terribly wrong. Not something she didn’t want to do, though, and not something that actually bothered her, just something she thought she ought to feel guilty about.
It didn’t completely make sense.
“This is a really awful thing to do, isn’t it,” Evie said.
“It’s not.”
“Yeah it is. You’re exploiting me, and I’m exploiting you. We’re as bad as each other.”
Natalie smiled a little. “We’re both exploiting each other?”
“Aren’t we?”
“I suppose so.”
“Isn’t that bad?”
Natalie thought. “It’s probably better that we both are.”
Evie nodded, and decided that made sense.
She sipped her wine, and told herself she had to do something. She was being paid, so in a way this was work. She ought to be the one to start, and not leave it up to Natalie.
She was going to be the one to start.
She reached over, put her hand on the front of Natalie’s shirt. She just rested her hand on Natalie’s chest, and looked into Natalie’s eyes. She thought about kissing Natalie, wondering if she should. She waited, wondering what Natalie would do. Beneath her hand, Natalie skin was warm, and Natalie had sighed slightly when Evie touched her.
Evie waited, giving Natalie a chance to do something if she wanted to, and Natalie did, but not what Evie expected.
Natalie stepped backwards, quite suddenly. She stepped back, and Evie wasn’t quick enough to grab her, and couldn’t follow her because she was still sitting on the bench.
Natalie stepped backwards, then stopped, and looked at Evie. “Fuck,” she said, after a moment. “I’m sorry.”
Evie wasn’t sure what to think. “It’s fine.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to touch me. You gave me a fright.”
Evie nodded, thinking. Natalie was feeling nervous about this too. She looked at Natalie, wondering if Natalie was changing her mind.
“What’s wrong?” Evie said.
“Nothing. You gave me a fright.”
“You’d tell me if something was up?”
“Of course.”
“We don’t have to do this,” Evie said. “We can stop any time you want.”
“No,” Natalie said. “Just I…”
“You can have the money back.”
“I don’t care about that.”
“Well if we’re not doing it,” Evie said. “I’m definitely giving the money back.”
Natalie looked at her.
“I will,” Evie said. “If we stop.”
“Fine,” Natalie said.
So should we? Stop?”
“I don’t want to,” Natalie said.
“You want to do this?”
Natalie nodded.
“Okay,” Evie said. “Good.”
Neither of them moved for a moment. Evie wondered whether she should try and kiss Natalie again now. To kiss her, or touch her, or make some kind of move. She felt awkward, oddly stuck where she was, and Natalie seemed to feel the same. Natalie was standing where she was, three steps away, not making any movement towards Evie. It felt too artificial, Evie decided. It was suddenly too carefully planned. It was far harder to start like this than when kissing just happened on its own.
“So we’re really going to do this?” Evie said, trying to find a way to begin.
“I hope so,” Natalie said.
“Me too,” Evie said, but kept sitting where she was.
She didn’t know what was wrong.
She was aware of the windows across the room. Perhaps too aware, she thought. There were no buildings actually looking in, but the windows were there, and putting her off a little. She thought about asking if they could go to Natalie’s bedroom, then wondered if Natalie would want her in there.
She decided not to ask.
She thought about clothes instead. She was still in her work clothes, and that didn’t feel right. Her skirt was tight and stiff, difficult to move easily in, and worse now that it was damp. Her shirt was still clammy, and tight against her too, and as well she was sticky from working all day.
She didn’t feel sexy, she realized. That was probably what was wrong. She didn’t feel she could just take everything off and be sexy for Natalie, not without worrying if she smelled, and not without a lot of grabbing and tugging awkwardly at clothes. And she knew her undies were boring too, and probably not what people who got paid for sex wore. She wanted to get undressed without Natalie watching. She wanted Natalie not to notice her undies. She wanted to get clean, she decided, and then she’d probably feel a lot better.
She was surprised it had taken her so long to realize.
“Um,” Evie said. “Could I have a shower? Before we do? Would that be okay?”
“Of course,” Natalie said, “God, sorry. I should have thought.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Don’t be silly,” Natalie said, and seemed almost relieved to be doing something other than stare. “Come on,” she said, and led Evie down the hallway. There were rooms opening off it, and a main bedroom at the end, and an ensuite with a shower through the bedroom. Natalie gave Evie a towel from a cupboard in the hallway, and pointed into the ensuite, and then just stood there at her bedroom door, apparently unsure what to do.
Unsure what to do, again.
This time Evie could manage.
“I won’t be long,” Evie said, and closed the bathroom door quite firmly, and for a moment, as the door closed, she thought Natalie seemed relieved then too.
/> *
Evie shut herself in Natalie’s bathroom. She needed to pee, and didn’t know how much of a perfect fantasy Natalie was expecting, so she ran the water in the shower to hide any noise she made. Then she got into the shower and washed herself quickly. She left her face and hair alone, so she didn’t get smudged or messed up more than the rain already had done. She thought about shaving. Natalie’s razor was in the shower. She looked at for a moment, then ran her hand over herself and decided she was okay.
She stood under the water for a minute and tried to make herself have second thoughts. She still wasn’t sure she should be quite as willing to do this as she was. It was only sex, and Natalie seemed an okay person, and it was a lot of money, but she still felt like she shouldn’t be so willing. Even though she was.
She thought, but didn’t change her mind. She actually wanted to do this.
She turned off the water and dried herself. She wrapped the towel around herself because a towel was easier to take off than clothes, and went back out into the bedroom.
Natalie was sitting on the bed, still dressed.
Evie was about ask if Natalie wanted a shower too, then she saw Natalie’s face. Something was wrong. Evie could tell from Natalie’s expression. Natalie had probably changed her mind.
In a way it was good, Evie thought. Just for a moment, she was glad. This part of her wasn’t going to be tested after all. She wasn’t going to have to find out if she was actually a whore or not.
“What’s wrong?” Evie said.
“I’m sorry,” Natalie said. “I didn’t think. I don’t have anything here.”
Evie had no idea what she meant. “Anything what?”
“Dams. Condoms. Latex gloves. Anything like that. I wasn’t expecting this.”
“Oh,” Evie said, then, a bit desperately, “Kitchen wrap?”
Natalie thought. “Actually no. I hardly ever eat here.”
“A plastic bag? A clean one?”
Natalie shrugged. “Same.”
Evie wanted to laugh. Everything about this was complicated, so it almost made sense this had gone wrong too. She sat down on the bed beside Natalie. “I don’t either,” she said. “Have anything. I was only going to be at work tonight.”
They looked at each other.
“I don’t really want to without something,” Evie said. “Not being rude, but…”
“Of course not.”
Both were quiet.
“We could go and look for a shop,” Natalie said.
“It’s late.”
“It’s not that late. There must be a bar, or an all-night pharmacy.”
Evie wasn’t sure.
“Or a supermarket,” Natalie said. “For clingwrap.”
A supermarket was probably more likely, Evie thought. “If you want to,” she said.
Natalie nodded, thinking, but didn’t actually move.
Evie was thinking too. About getting dressed again and going back out in the rain and how much trouble this would be. She was ready to do this now. She had expected to, and prepared for it, and didn’t want to wait. She wasn’t horny, exactly, but she had been flirting and talking about sex and was ready, right now. She wanted to start, not to drive around for half the night looking for kitchen wrap. And part of her, a little part, was disappointed not to be getting laid.
She thought for a moment.
She was fairly sure she was only worrying about being safe because she was being paid. Any other time, with someone like Natalie, she would have just taken the risk. She thought about that. Taking risks wasn’t smart, but this whole thing wasn’t smart, so she probably might as well.
“Um,” Evie said. “Maybe I could just with my hand. If you like?”
Natalie looked over. She seemed shocked, as if people you could pay to fuck shouldn’t also be willing to have unprotected sex. It didn’t quite make sense, but Evie didn’t point that out. Natalie thought for a moment, and began to be tempted. Evie could see it in her face. Natalie didn’t think she ought to, but she was tempted. Just like Evie was being tempted too. Natalie had probably started believing this was going to happen, and was disappointed it wasn’t. The same as Evie was.
“Are you sure?” Natalie said, after a moment.
Evie nodded. “It’s only my hand,” she said. “It’ll be fine. If you want to.”
“I don’t know...”
“Only if you want to.”
Natalie thought.
“We’re a bit stuck otherwise, aren’t we?” Evie said.
Natalie was still looking at her.
“Um,” Evie said. “Well. So I’ll ask then. Since someone has to. Have you got anything? Do you sleep around a lot?”
“Of course not,” Natalie said sharply. She sat there for a moment, then said, “Have you?”
“Got anything? Nope.”
“Have you been sleeping around?”
Evie looked at her. “Not really. Not as much as you’d think.”
“What does that mean?”
“Not much at all,” Evie said. “For someone you can pay to fuck you.”
She meant it as a joke, except that part of her actually hadn’t. She said it, and then wondered if it was a mistake. Natalie seemed a little shocked. Natalie was shocked, because it was true, and suddenly Evie wanted to blush. Or scream. Or run away. Suddenly her confidence was starting to disappear.
Natalie didn’t seem as sure now, and Evie understood. Natalie was probably thinking too much, now they were talking about this. Wondering about Evie and what she might catch, just like Evie should probably have been wondering about her.
“Sorry,” Evie said.
“No, don’t be.”
They sat for a moment, quietly.
“We could just start,” Evie said. “Just try for a bit, and see what happens. If you’d rather do that.”
“I don’t know.”
“Or do something else. Whatever you like.”
Natalie nodded.
“So,” Evie said. “What are we doing? Tell me and maybe we can.”
“I’m not sure.” Natalie thought. “What about you? What do you want?”
“It’s not really about me.”
“I suppose not,” Natalie said, and went quiet again.
There was something here, Evie thought. Something confusing, and intriguing too. She was excited by this. She liked Natalie, and she liked this situation. She was just finding it difficult to untangle all the complications.
“I have a suggestion,” Natalie said.
Evie nodded. “Okay?”
“This is just a suggestion,” Natalie said. “But would you like to do this another time instead? When we’re a little more organized?”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yep, okay. If you’d rather.”
“You aren’t going to change your mind?”
“No,” Evie said. “Of course not.”
Natalie kept looking at her.
“I won’t,” Evie said. “I promise. I’m surprisingly okay with the whole thing.”
Natalie was nodding, but still didn’t seem sure. “You said you’d had an odd week,” she said. “I wondered if that was why…?”
“Yeah, but not that odd.” Evie thought for a moment. “I’m into this. No-one ever asked me to before, but I’m into it, so if you want to another time, I will.”
She would, Evie knew, if Natalie wanted her to. She was certain that she would. She just also didn’t mind a wait, if that was what Natalie wanted instead.
“It’s up to you,” Evie said. “I really don’t mind just getting you off, if you like.”
Natalie didn’t answer. She didn’t seem sure either.
“No?” Evie said.
“Not tonight,” Natalie said. “If you don’t mind?”
Evie shrugged. “I don’t mind at all.”
“And you will do this another time? If we wait?”
Evie nodded.
“Then no for now,” Natalie said. “If that’s all right?”
“It is,” Evie said, oddly relieved. “Of course it is.”
Natalie nodded and seemed pleased too.
*
Evie sat on Natalie’s bed for a moment, thinking, and then got up. She went into the bathroom, to the damp pile of her clothes on the floor, and took the money Natalie had just given out of her skirt pocket. She went back into the bedroom, to Natalie, still sitting on the bed, and held the money out to her.
“Here,” Evie said.
Natalie looked at her.
“Please take it,” Evie said.
“No,” Natalie said. “You should keep it. Us stopping isn’t your fault.”
“I’m not taking money for sex, and then not having sex with you.”
“It’s fine. I mean, you were going to, so....”
“And I didn’t,” Evie said. “So no.”
She kept holding the money out. The way Natalie had done to her, a little earlier.
“Please,” Natalie said. “Keep it.”
Evie shook her head. She sat down, and put the notes, folded together, on the bed between them. “I’m not taking it.”
“Just keep it,” Natalie said, and sounded tired.
“No.”
Natalie shrugged, but left the money where it was. Apparently neither of them wanted it.
Evie sat there she was, unsure what to do next.
Natalie was quiet, still looking at Evie. She seemed to be thinking. Evie began to get nervous, and started fiddling with the edge of the towel, folding a little triangle of the corner open and closed on her thigh. Natalie watched the towel move. Evie knew she was watching, because she could see Natalie’s face out the corner of her eye. She fiddled, and Natalie stared at her leg.
After a moment Evie looked up.
Natalie seemed embarrassed to be caught staring. “Sorry,” she said.
Evie shrugged. In the circumstances, Natalie really didn’t need to apologise for looking. For just a moment, because Natalie had been, Evie was tempted to take off the towel and see what happened. She didn’t, because she wasn’t ready for that yet. Being naked was a big step. It was a step to expose herself like that to Natalie, and it was a step because it meant she’d actually be doing something wrong, rather than talking about doing something wrong, which was all she’d done until now. She left the towel alone.
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