“All right,” Natalie said, a little nervous.
“I’m not worth this,” Evie said. “Any of this. Everything you seem to want. I’m not worth what you think of me, I’m honestly not.”
There was a silence.
“That’s all,” Evie said. She looked up from her glass, at Natalie. “I just wanted that said.”
Natalie wasn’t sure how to answer. “I think you are,” she said in the end. “Worth everything.”
Evie shook her head. “Nope,” she said. “I’m not interesting. I’m not fascinating. Or beautiful, actually. I’m not especially anything. I’m no different to anyone else. I’m just young, that’s all, and you’re mixing that up with me being interesting.”
“I don’t agree, but that isn’t important.”
Evie looked at her.
“It isn’t,” Natalie said. “We don’t need to argue about it. I feel what I feel, and you don’t agree. It’s not worth disagreeing over.”
“Maybe.”
“Do we want to disagree? Do we actually want a fight about this?”
“Of course not.”
“Well then,” Natalie said.
“I know. I understand what you’re saying, but…”
Natalie waited.
Evie sipped more wine. She thought. “What if I let you down?” she said.
“Let me down?”
“Yep. Somehow.”
“You aren’t. You won’t.”
“I might. What if I do? What if I hurt you?”
Natalie shrugged. “You’re worth it. The person you are, who I’ve got to know, who I feel this with. This is worth it.”
Evie didn’t seem sure.
“You don’t believe me,” Natalie said.
“I don’t think I do. But you’re right, it doesn’t matter. Not enough to fight about. We can stop talking about it now, if you’d rather.”
“I would. But only if you’re sure.”
Evie nodded. “I am, I think,” she said. “I just wanted that said. And now it is, so we can stop.”
Natalie nodded slowly.
“So that’s that?” Evie said, and sipped. “No more talking about it?”
“Unless you have something more?”
She thought. “Nope. Actually I don’t. I’m not worth it. That’s it. Done.”
“I think you are.”
“Yep, but…”
Natalie grinned. “We should stop talking about it?”
“Yeah.”
“And now we never talk about it again?”
Evie shrugged. “Hopefully. If that’s okay with you.”
Natalie nodded. “I actually think it is.”
“Good,” Evie said, and kissed Natalie again. Evie kissed differently when she was drunk, Natalie noticed. She put her tongue further inside Natalie’s mouth, and grabbed at Natalie more, and was more single-minded about kissing, too. She kissed more intensely, more desperately. Natalie actually quite liked it.
They kissed, and Evie leaned back onto the kitchen counter, and pulled Natalie with her as she went. She had kept hold of her wine, and tasted strongly of it each time she stopped to sip. Her hair was tickling Natalie’s face, and her dress was slippery against Natalie’s hands, and her body was warm pressed against Natalie’s.
They kissed, and Natalie thought. She wondered how drunk Evie was, and seriously she ought to take what Evie had just implied about her feelings, and about the fears she seemed to be hinting that she had. Natalie wasn’t completely sure what to think. She didn’t want to prematurely expect too much, and then be disappointed, but she also didn’t want to just ignore what Evie was feeling if Evie could only tell her after several glasses of wine. Natalie suspected that was what was going on, and it was why Evie had asked for more to drink when they got home. She suspected, but didn’t want to press Evie too intrusively in order to find out.
They kissed, and after a moment Natalie decided to stop worrying and concentrate on that instead.
*
Natalie kissed Evie, and slid her hands up under Evie’s dress as she did. Evie was stroking Natalie too, but only using one hand. She was still holding her wine glass in the other. They kissed for a while, kissing slowly and intensely, and then Evie said, “Wait,” quite suddenly, into Natalie’s mouth.
Natalie stopped, and looked at her, surprised.
Evie seemed surprised too, as soon as she had spoken. She stood there for a moment, looking almost upset. She must have started thinking just when Natalie had stopped.
“I wonder…” Evie said, and then sipped her wine.
Natalie waited.
“Just while we’re talking…” Evie said, and then stopped. “Actually no, never mind.”
“What is it?”
“Nah, never mind. Kiss me.”
Evie leaned towards Natalie, about to kiss, but Natalie swayed backwards, out of her reach. “Tell me,” Natalie said. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Except it’s something, so tell me. Please?”
“I’m being silly.”
Natalie thought she could guess. “Is there more you wanted to say? Is something else bothering you?”
Evie stood there for a moment. “Maybe,” she said.
“Well, since we’re talking about everything else…”
“We should about this?”
Natalie shrugged.
“While I’m still drunk?” Evie said, and grinned.
Natalie thought again about courage and wine. “It might not be a bad time,” she said.
Evie nodded. “Maybe.”
“Is there more?” Natalie said. “Other things you wanted to say?”
“Perhaps.”
“Should you? While we are?”
“Probably,” Evie said.
Natalie waited.
“Okay, yeah,” Evie said. “Since you’re asking, there’s maybe some other things I’m thinking about, and yeah, I can tell you if you like.”
“I’d like.”
“You’re sure? I mean, I don’t want to spoil the evening by being all serious or whatever?”
“Go on.”
Evie hesitated. She sipped a little more wine.
“Please?” Natalie said.
“I am,” Evie said. “I will. I’m just trying to work out what.”
Natalie nodded, and stayed quiet.
“So,” Evie said, after a moment. “There’s this. I’m worried that you’ll say everything now and mean it, but after a while you’ll get sick of my shit.”
“I won’t.”
“You might.”
“Well, anyone might, with any other person, but I’ll try not to. I’ll do my very best.”
Evie nodded.
“That probably isn’t much help,” Natalie said.
Evie shrugged. “No, it is. I just wanted to say it, that’s all. It doesn’t need… I don’t know, fixing or whatever.”
“Of course,” Natalie said. She understood. “Is there anything else?”
“You want me to say everything? Every last little worry?”
“If you’d like to.”
Evie thought again. “I worry that because you’re older, and know more, and in the same job, I might get lost inside us, somehow. I don’t really know how, but just lost.”
“I understand,” Natalie said. “I can see why. I would too.”
“You would?”
Natalie nodded. “I think so. I don’t know how to stop it, though.”
“Yeah, me either.”
“Are you very worried? About that.”
Evie shook her head slowly. “Nope. I just wanted to say it out loud too, so it’s there. So we both know.”
Natalie nodded. “Fair enough. What’s next?”
“I worry you’ll get me jobs, or your friends will, and I’d never know if I’d got something on my own or because of you.”
“I promise I’ll tell you if I’m doing that.”
Evie looked up. “Not that you
won’t?”
“I’m not sure I could. I don’t know if I could watch you try and do something and not help if I was able to. But I’ll only offer, and I’ll stop if you say no.”
“Okay,” Evie said. “Yeah. That works, I suppose.”
“I won’t nag you,” Natalie said, thinking she ought to be clear. “I won’t try and trick you into doing things.”
Evie nodded. “Same. And tell me if you think I am, okay?”
“Of course.”
“I mean it. Tell me, rather than get angry or whatever, because I’m probably not, so I’ll stop.”
“I will.”
“Next,” Evie said. “I worry I can’t promise you everything you’ll want me to promise you. Later on, I mean, one day.”
“I’m not asking you to promise a thing.”
Evie looked at her. “You aren’t even going to ask what I can’t promise you?”
Natalie shrugged.
“You should ask,” Evie said. “It might matter.”
“It doesn’t,” Natalie said. “Not yet. Probably not ever.”
“Well I’m not promising. I’m not promising anything.”
“Me either.”
Evie grinned. “Well good.”
Natalie grinned back. “What’s next?”
Evie thought for a moment, then said, “That’s all.”
Natalie was quite relieved.
“What about you?” Evie said. “Say your stuff.”
“I don’t have anything.”
Evie seemed surprised. “You must do,” she said. “There has to be something.”
“Not really.”
“Fuck,” Evie said. “I just told you…”
“I know, but I don’t think I do.”
Evie looked slightly annoyed. “I told you all of that, and you aren’t telling me back?”
“I thought you only were because you’re tipsy.”
Evie looked at Natalie. She didn’t seem to understand.
“Right now, I mean,” Natalie said. “You were explaining those things now because you’re tipsy.”
“I’m drunk. I said drunk.”
“Either way,” Natalie said. “I’m not.”
“So what, you’re going to wait and tell me later on?”
“No,” Natalie said. “Not at all. Actually, I don’t have anything to say.”
Evie seemed sceptical. “What, not at all?”
Natalie hesitated.
“Please?” Evie said. “Be fair. I told you.”
Evie was right, Natalie thought. She ought to be fair.
“All right,” Natalie said. “It’s not anything much, and not really about anything worth saying, but I worry…” She thought for a moment. “Just that I’m not good enough, or you won’t like me as much as I like you, or that I’ll make some awful mistake. Or that everything between us will go wrong, because people always seem to manage to make it go wrong. Or that nothing will be how I hope it will. Just all of that, like everyone does, but none of it is actually important enough to be worth saying.”
“Oh,” Evie said, sounding surprised again. “You’re worried too.”
“Of course I am.”
“Well, I didn’t know.” Evie grinned, and seemed happier. She leaned forward and kissed Natalie. “It’s worth saying.”
“It’s really not,” Natalie said. “But while we’re saying things, there is perhaps something else I should say. That I might get angry, or frustrated, or irritable sometimes…”
Evie shrugged.
“I might,” Natalie said, insistent.
“Yeah, and I’m a total bitch sometimes too. For no actual reason. See, I’m warning you as well.”
Natalie smiled. “I’m warned.”
“Good. Because the same, if you’re saying what I think you are. I can’t promise never to fight with you…”
“I’m not promising that either.”
“I know,” Evie said. “And I can’t promise not to, but I’ll calm down afterwards, okay?”
Natalie nodded. They looked at each other.
“We’re kind of saying some big stuff here,” Evie said. “We’re talking about this way too seriously.”
“We are.”
“So let’s do something else. Like maybe deal with all that another time, and stop trying to talk ourselves into things right now.”
“I rather like the idea of talking ourselves into something.”
“Unless we talk ourselves out of it,” Evie said.
Natalie looked at her.
“Or not,” Evie said. “Probably.”
“Or not. I hope.”
“I’m thinking too much,” Evie said, and sipped her wine. “I ought to stop.”
“Are you talking yourself into something?” Natalie said.
“Yep,” Evie said.
They looked at each other.
“I am,” Evie said, and put down the wine glass. “But have we enough for now?”
“I think so. If you think we have.”
“I do,” Evie said. “I definitely do. Want to go to bed?”
“I think I do,” Natalie said.
“To fuck? Lots?”
“Oh, I definitely want to do that.”
Evie smiled, and kissed Natalie. She kissed for a moment, then started pulling Natalie towards the bedroom. Natalie resisted long enough to switch off the lights, then let Evie lead her down the hall.
12: Evie
Evie woke up in Natalie’s bed with a dry mouth and the sun hot on her skin. She wasn’t as hungover as she could have been, since she’d had water before she went to sleep. She was tired, though. They’d been having sex until about four in the morning.
She lay where she was, slowly waking up. Her head felt sore. She probably shouldn’t have had as much wine as she had, but talking seriously wasn’t easy, and the wine had helped, and she’d been wanting to tell Natalie how she felt for a while.
She heard someone move nearby, a rustle of cloth and quiet breathing. She turned over, and saw Natalie sitting in a chair next to the bed. Natalie had her feet up on the bed, and a tablet in her lap, but she wasn’t reading. She was looking at Evie, and smiling.
Evie lay there for a moment, then said, “Hi.”
“Good morning,” Natalie said.
“What time is it?”
“Late. After ten.”
Evie nodded. Natalie still hadn’t looked away.
“Don’t,” Evie said.
“Don’t what?”
“You were watching me sleep,” Evie said. “Weren’t you?”
Natalie sat there.
“Weren’t you?” Evie said.
“Yes,” Natalie said.
“Fuck, don’t. Please.”
Natalie shrugged, and looked away, but not for very long. Evie pushed the sheet off herself and sat up, and Natalie started watching again. Evie didn’t bother saying anything. She didn’t really mind.
As Evie moved, her hand slid across the sheet, and she realized how soft it felt. Soft enough she slid her hand again, surprised. She hadn’t noticed, somehow, while they were having sex last night. She must have been distracted.
“There’s water,” Natalie said, and pointed. There was a glass on the bedside table. Evie nodded, and reached over. She drank, and her mouth felt less awful.
She put the glass down, and put her hand back on the sheet. She stroked again. The sheet, and then her leg. Her thigh and the sheet were about equally silky. Her calf was actually slightly worse than the sheet. She’d got scratchy since last night.
“I can make coffee,” Natalie said.
Evie shook her head, still feeling the sheet. “I’m okay, thank you. Not yet.”
“Or food, if you like.”
Evie shook her head again. “This…” she said, touching the sheet. “It’s soft.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Yes.”
“It’s really fucking soft. I think it’s softer than me.”
Natalie smiled. “You said that
last night.”
“Oh?” Evie was still stroking. “Really?”
Natalie nodded.
“I don’t remember. Is it silk or something?”
“Just cotton.”
“Expensive cotton?”
Natalie shrugged.
Evie sat there for a while, then decided to ask. Money was always going to be there between them, so she might as well joke about it. “More expensive than me?” she said.
Natalie got an odd expression, and didn’t answer. She probably didn’t approve of jokes like that, Evie thought. Or she didn’t want to answer because it was true.
Evie sat up, and stretched.
“Evie,” Natalie said, and glanced sideways.
Evie looked. There were more windows behind Natalie. Big full-length windows like in the main room of the apartment. She must not have noticed them earlier because it had been night every other time she’d been in the bedroom, so the curtains had been closed. Now, the curtains were open, and sunlight was flooding in. That was probably why they were open, Evie supposed. Natalie had been sitting in the sun, reading. They were open, and out past Natalie, there was a view. A wonderful view, out over the city and the harbour.
Evie looked, and then said, “Shit, that’s amazing.”
“It is,” Natalie said. “And you’re not wearing anything.”
“I know,” Evie said, still looking out the windows. “No-one can see in, though, right?”
“Not without binoculars.”
“That’s okay then.”
“They might have binoculars.”
“Yeah,” Evie said. “They might. But if they’re going to that much effort…”
Natalie smiled her smile, the one that meant Evie was being brave or light-hearted or something. Evie wasn’t completely sure what it meant, but it seemed to be good. She looked out the windows some more. “I really like that,” she said.
“You said that last night.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Um, sorry. I might have had a little much wine.”
“Do you remember what we talked about?” Natalie said.
Evie wondered if she should give Natalie a fright, then decided that was mean. “I remember,” she said. “It’s all good.”
Natalie nodded.
Evie was suddenly worried, mostly because of Natalie’s silence. “Why,” she said. “Is everything okay with you? I wasn’t too messy or something?”
Evie's Job Page 22