“Like, live together?” Evie said. “Is that what you mean? Paying bills and living together and all that shit?”
“Yes?” Natalie said, uncertainly.
“Well, that’s just stupid. I couldn’t pay bills at your place, and you really aren’t going to want to move in with me.”
“Evie, I…”
“We can’t,” Evie said.
“Why not.”
“We just can’t. Not yet. Probably not ever.”
“I can’t see why not.”
“Yeah right.”
Natalie glanced over. Evie was still angry, and Natalie wasn’t sure why. It might be talking about money, and paying bills. It might be that the sudden importance of what they were discussing was unsettling Evie.
“What’s wrong?” Natalie said gently.
“I don’t know.”
“You’re angry.”
“Yeah I am, but I don’t know why.”
“I’m sorry, I…”
“No,” Evie said. “It isn’t you.”
“But you’re angry.”
“Yeah, because…” Evie stopped, and thought. She looked in her bag, and took out her cigarettes, and lit one, carefully. She wound down the window, and breathed out smoke. “So if I said yeah, okay, lets do it right now, you would?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Natalie was surprised. “Why ever not?”
“I don’t know. It feels like this has turned into a joke, and I was being serious.”
“So was I.”
Evie sat there for a while, and then just said, “Oh.”
Natalie looked over.
“You were?” Evie said.
Natalie nodded.
“I’m not really like this,” Evie said. “Like how I am at the moment. I’m not this in real life, you know that, yeah? You’re seeing the very best of me. Clean and washed and being polite and shit. This is make believe.”
“I know. Same.”
“So don’t go imagining how you think it would be,” Evie said. “Because it wouldn’t be that. It would be more untidiness and rudeness and me sleeping in all day, because I know you think that’s weird.”
“I don’t. I promise.”
“Yeah right.”
“Evie, could you please believe me? I swear, I don’t.”
Evie sat there, smoking.
“I still want you,” Natalie said. “Untidy and impolite and asleep and all.”
“No you don’t,” Evie said, but she didn’t sound completely sure any more.
“I’d still want you,” Natalie said. “Something with you. Eventually. No matter how it was.”
“Stop it,” Evie said. “Please?”
Natalie nodded. She drove, feeling unsettled, and feeling confused as well. She was regretting saying anything. They weren’t ready for this yet. Not a conversation this serious, and not one that led where this led. She should have known better, she thought. It was too easy to make this mistake, to start planning lives together too soon, after only a little time with someone. She ought to have known better, and now Evie was upset, and Natalie didn’t entirely know why, but she wanted to fix this, quickly, before everything got worse.
“I’m not complaining,” Natalie said. “I’m really not. And I’m not trying to make us hurry anything.”
“Please don’t do that,” Evie said.
“I won’t.”
“I mean it. This is good. This thing between us. Don’t spoil it.”
Natalie was relieved. “I won’t,” she said. “I do understand.”
Evie looked at her for a while. “You understand what?”
“Not to hurry. Not to spoil things.”
Evie nodded. “Okay.”
“I said that too soon,” Natalie said. “I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Evie said.
Natalie looked at her, unsure what she meant.
“It wasn’t too soon,” Evie said. “Not really. I was just surprised, is all.”
“Oh,” Natalie said.
“Yep,” Evie said. “But I don’t want to talk about it all now, okay?”
“Of course.”
“Or tonight.”
Natalie smiled. “I understand.”
“Or next week. Or the week after.”
“Evie, of course.”
“Okay, well…” The line of traffic had stopped again. They were a block from Evie’s street. Evie looked around, and seemed to notice. “Here’s fine,” she said. “I’ll get out. I can walk.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yep. You won’t get back out in this traffic if you stop or turn off.”
“You’re not just getting out because this got awkward?”
“I’m getting out because you won’t get back out if you stop. We’re fine.”
Natalie wasn’t sure.
Evie leaned over and kissed her. “We’re fine,” she said. “I promise.”
Natalie nodded, and Evie glanced backwards, probably for cyclists, then opened the door and jumped out. The traffic started moving, and Natalie waved and drove away.
Natalie drove back towards the city, slowing down as the traffic got worse. She tried to think about the day ahead, to plan and be organized about what she had to do, the way she usually did on the way to work. She tried, but kept being distracted by thoughts of Evie, and what had just been said. She was daydreaming, she thought, a little surprised at herself, although she supposed she understood why. It seemed like it had been an important conversation, she thought. Not the conversation she’d expected to have, but important all the same.
*
On Saturday, Natalie had to spend the morning at work, so she slipped out and left Evie in bed. She phoned Evie when she was finished and said, “I’m done, if you’re still there?”
“There as in your place?” Evie said.
“There as in bed.”
Evie laughed. “Nope. To both.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, a little disappointed. “Well, never mind.”
“I’m shopping. Come meet me if you want.”
Once Evie had said that, Natalie realized she could hear music in the background. “All right,” she said.
“We can go back to your place after.”
“Very much all right to that.”
“Good,” Evie said, and then seemed to stop and think. “Or I can just meet you there in a bit if you’d rather?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll come and find you.”
“Only if you want to.”
Natalie wasn’t sure why Evie seemed hesitant. “I want to,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m looking at clothes. You might get bored.”
“I won’t,” Natalie said, confused. “Why would I get bored?”
“I don’t know. You might not like shopping.”
“I like shopping.”
“Well I don’t know. You wear the same things all the time.”
Natalie started to understand. “Work things?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Because I’m at work all the time. Evie, I promise I like shopping.”
“I’ve seen in your wardrobe.”
“The wardrobe where I hang the clothes I wear to work?”
Evie didn’t answer.
“There’s drawers in my bedroom too,” Natalie said. “Did you notice those?”
“Okay,” Evie said. “I just meant, you don’t have to unless you want to.”
“I want to,” Natalie said. “For god’s sake.”
“Well I want you to, so that’s good.”
“I am,” Natalie said. “I’m leaving now. Where are you?”
Evie told her. A mall that was nearby, close enough to walk, so Natalie decided she would. It was a warm day, the beginning of spring. She left her jacket and briefcase in her office, and got coffee on the way. She found Evie in a work-wear shop, looking at suits.
“Oh hey,” Evie said, and held up a jac
ket. “So question. Trousers or a skirt?”
“For when?”
“For job interviews. For lawyering. I need to start thinking about it since I’ll be finished in a couple of months and interviewing. Trousers are better, right? Like I’ll get taken more seriously.”
Natalie nodded.
“But you can look at legs in a skirt. So does that make a difference?”
“You shouldn’t…” Natalie said, and then realized Evie was teasing. “You can look at legs in trousers.”
“You’re a pervert.”
Natalie grinned. “I know. But wear trousers. Because yes, they’ll take you more seriously.”
“All the time? Like only trousers at work, ever?”
“I think so. A skirt means you’re the assistant.”
“You’re sure? I mean, that isn’t just…” Evie stopped, and looked uncertain.
“People my age?” Natalie said, understanding.
“Um, yeah.”
“People my age will be the hiring committee.”
“True.”
“People my age are the promotions committee as well.”
Evie looked at her.
“And the clients,” Natalie said. “And the judges if you end up in court.”
“Fine. But it isn’t…”
“My assistant wears a skirt. My juniors wear trousers. I wear trousers too.”
“Yeah you do,” Evie said. “Okay, point taken. You’re right.” She put the jacket she’d been holding back onto the rack.
“You don’t want to try it on?”
“Nah, not yet. Later.”
“You should if you want to…”
Evie shook her head. “I’m only thinking about it. For later.”
Natalie thought for a moment, and then realized it was probably the price. She almost offered to pay, then remembered herself and stopped. Evie didn’t seem to notice. She went over to a rack of dresses and started flicking through them. Natalie followed her.
“So do you want me to look like a lawyer or something?” Evie said.
Natalie wasn’t sure what she meant. “Why?”
“With the trying things on.”
“I just meant, don’t not, if you wanted to try something.”
“Yep, but do you want me to look like a lawyer?”
Natalie hesitated.
“You do?” Evie said.
“I suppose so, yes.”
“Because you like how it looks? Or because you have some secret sexy thing about me dressed up like a lawyer?”
“Oh,” Natalie said, thinking. “God, this is terrible, but…”
“You do?”
Natalie was slightly embarrassed. “I didn’t until right now…”
“And now I’ve put the idea in your head?”
Natalie nodded.
“I’m sorry,” Evie said, grinning.
“No you aren’t.”
“I know,” Evie said. “We could make it a little game if you like? When we get home? Like I’m your junior, called back to work late because you need a file or something. And then I’m overcome with wanting you…”
“It isn’t that, exactly,” Natalie said, a little uncomfortable with where that was going.
“What, then?” Evie said, flicking.
“It’s more realizing you could be a colleague one day soon.”
“So more a romantic real-life role-play?”
Natalie shrugged. “I suppose so.”
“Well that’s fine too,” Evie said, and kept looking at dresses.
They drifted. Evie looked at jeans, and then at knit tops. Not summery things, Natalie noticed, wondering why, and then realized that mostly Evie was looking at sale racks, which meant the end of the winter stock. Natalie looked for clothes too, for herself, but didn’t see anything she especially liked. The shops they were in were really for Evie. Younger shops, and cheaper shops, and shops with louder music. Natalie didn’t think Evie had realized, though, and didn’t want to point it out. She followed, interested, while Evie looked. Evie hunted, occasionally lifting something out, and thinking for a moment, and then usually putting it back. She ended up finding two tops, after looking in several different shops. She tried them on, and asked what Natalie thought. Natalie said both were good, and Evie seemed happy with that, and took both to the counter. Natalie followed, and took out her credit card.
“No,” Evie said, seeing her, and started searching in her bag.
“Yes,” Natalie said.
The sales assistant looked from Evie to Natalie.
“I want to pay,” Natalie said.
“No,” Evie said. “You’re not.”
“I don’t mind.”
“And how’s that different?” Evie said. “To what we already talked about?”
“It’s different,” Natalie said. “Please?”
“I’ll leave them if you try,” Evie said. “I mean it.”
“I’ll come back and buy them as soon as you’re gone,” Natalie said. “I mean that.” She looked at the sales assistant. “Keep those two aside if we leave, all right?”
The sales assistant nodded, uncertainly. “Seriously?” Evie said to the sales assistant, and got a disinterested shrug.
“You’re really going to be an asshole about this?” Evie said to Natalie.
“Pretty much.”
“Fine,” Evie said. “Go on then.”
“Yes?”
“I’m annoyed,” Evie said, even though she didn’t seem especially angry. “But yes.”
“You’re sure?”
“Just pay.”
Natalie handed her card to the sales assistant, and waited while the machine got ready. Evie leaned over, leaned close to Natalie, and whispered, “I’d tell her your fucking me and that’s why you’re paying, but I don’t want to embarrass her.”
“Good,” Natalie said, and put in her pin number.
“But only for her sake,” Evie said quietly. “Not for you.”
“I wouldn’t care if you did.”
“Then maybe I will.”
“Don’t,” Natalie said quickly. “Please? Don’t drag her into this.”
“I won’t,” Evie said, sounding surprised. “Of course I won’t. I was just being…”
“I know,” Natalie said.
The sales assistant held out the bag, and Evie took it without a word. She walked out the shop, leaving Natalie behind. Natalie took her card, and the receipt, and followed.
“I should say thank you,” Evie said, when Natalie caught up. “But I’m not going to.”
“That’s fine.”
“Don’t offer me money,” Evie said. “Don’t offer to pay.”
“I know, but...”
Evie seemed to be waiting.
“But nothing,” Natalie said. “I won’t again. Not on purpose like that. Not without checking first.”
“Thank you,” Evie said.
They walked in silence for a moment. Then Evie stopped, and leaned on a railing around an open space in the middle of the mall. She looked downwards at the level below. “I don’t like the money thing,” she said.
“I know.”
“So why did you do that?”
“I was hoping the money thing would go away.”
“It will, if you don’t.”
“I know that now,” Natalie said.
Evie nodded, and kept looking downwards. Natalie watched her, wondering what to do, wondering how upset Evie was. She watched, and waited, and didn’t look away from Evie, and after a moment Evie seemed to notice. She turned around, and folded her arms, and started watching Natalie back.
“You’re always looking at me,” Evie said slowly, thoughtfully.
Natalie shrugged.
“No, I mean, looking only at me. Not at anyone else.”
Natalie didn’t understand. “Yes, I suppose I am.”
“That’s kind of odd, isn’t it?”
“I don’t think so, no. Not when you’re right here in front of me. W
hy?”
“When there’s all these other people around?”
“I don’t understand,” Natalie said.
“People like her?”
Natalie looked, then back to Evie. “I still don’t…”
“Never mind,” Evie said. “She was hot, but I’m glad you don’t. That’s all.”
Natalie was relieved, although still unsure.
“I like you,” Evie said, and reached over and put her hand on Natalie’s collar. “I really do.”
“I like you too.”
“I know,” Evie said, and smiled. “Let’s go home.”
“All right.”
“Now,” Evie said, and glanced around, working out where she was. “Let’s go quickly.”
“All right,” Natalie said, but stopped to kiss Evie before they did.
*
On Sunday afternoon, completely without meaning to, Natalie asked Evie to move in with her. Or at least to stay with her indefinitely.
They were in the main room of the apartment, sitting on the couches in the sun, sprawled happily, half on top of one another. Natalie had been stroking Evie’s hair, and Evie had been saying she needed to go soon, although not actually moving, and talking about her workload, and the study she needed to do, and explaining that she wouldn’t have as much free time over the new few weeks so might not be able to be around as much. “I have essays,” she’d said, apologetically. “And I really need to get started on them, and then I have exams, and I’ll hopefully have interviews soon too.”
“So work here,” Natalie said, without thinking.
“Nah, I can’t. I don’t want to have to stop and move again once I get started.”
“So don’t,” Natalie said. “Move.”
Evie didn’t seem to understand. “Well, I’ll need to…”
“I mean, why do you need to move?”
“Because if I start here, then tomorrow or the next day I’ll need to pack up and leave again.”
“So stay.”
Evie went quiet. Noticeably quiet.
Natalie sat up. “What?” she said, trying to work out what had just happened.
“You want me to stay?” Evie said.
Natalie nodded, slightly warily. She reached down, and found her glass of wine on the floor, and sipped it slowly.
“For a while?” Evie said.
“Yes, of course. Just come and work here.”
“But for a while? You don’t mind the while part?”
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