Suddenly, Evie seemed happier. “Good,” she said. “Because me too.”
“Then good back,” Natalie said, feeling better as well.
“I don’t know what kind of more, exactly,” Evie said. “That’s obvious, right?”
“Oh, it’s obvious.”
“But still, it’s definitely more.”
“Good,” Natalie said, and kissed her.
“Is it the same?” Evie said. “How you feel?”
“Mostly, yes.” Natalie stood there for a moment. “I think it is, anyway.”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t actually know what we’re…” Natalie realized where that was likely to go, and stopped. “Never mind. Why did you suddenly ask about all that?”
“I was just thinking, that’s all. Just that we’re getting quite settled.”
“Yes, I suppose we are.”
Evie grinned, and seemed more cheerful. She sipped her coffee, then reached over and took Natalie’s toast, and ate a bite, and gave it back. She seemed to be thinking, so Natalie waited, uncertain whether she ought to leave yet or not.
“There’s something else,” Evie said suddenly.
“Oh I imagined there was.”
“I’ve never told someone I loved them and meant it,” Evie said. “That’s what I wanted to say.”
Natalie wasn’t sure what that meant. “But you have told people anyway?”
“Yeah, of course. If someone says it to you, it’s just easier to say it back.”
Natalie thought. She never had, but she thought she could see why. “Yes, I suppose it is.”
Evie grinned. “It is.”
“Well, don’t say it to me. Just because it’s easier to.”
“Oh no, I don’t do that any more.”
Natalie nodded.
“I don’t want to anyway,” Evie said. “I want to make sure I don’t.”
“All right.”
“When I do I want to mean it, if that makes sense.”
“Of course.”
“Fuck,” Evie said. “I’m not being clear. I mean, for us, I want to be sure it isn’t a thing where one of us says something without warning, and the other one just blurts out something back, just because.”
Natalie looked at her for a while. “All right.”
“Because that’s bad, and it seems to happen, but it’s just awkward and awful and complicated when it does, and I hate it.”
Natalie wondered for a moment how often Evie had been in that situation, then decided not to ask. She was probably speaking in general, Natalie thought. Hopefully she was.
“Is that all right?” Evie said.
“Yes, Evie, it’s fine.”
Evie nodded. “Good.”
Natalie was still a little confused. Evie was being very vague, and Natalie couldn’t decide if she meant something particular, or not. Natalie sipped her coffee, and wondered whether to ask. “Was there something you wanted to say?” she said in the end.
“Not necessarily.”
“So yes there was?”
“So maybe there was.”
“Go on.”
Evie shrugged. “I don’t know if I’m in love with you or what,” she said. “But this is good and fun, and being around you is fun, and I want this. And I want to find out. Does that make sense?”
“It does.”
“It that mostly how it is for you?”
“It is.”
“Okay,” Evie said. “Well, I guess that was all. I just wanted to check.”
Natalie nodded, thinking about work again, assuming they were finished.
“And I might be getting a little weird because I’m studying too much,” Evie said. “There’s that too.”
Natalie smiled. “Maybe.”
Evie grinned.
Natalie finished her coffee, and put the cup in the sink. “Well,” she said. “I should be going…”
“Are you in love with me?” Evie said.
Natalie looked at her. She had no idea what to say. She had no idea because she was, and she wasn’t, and she didn’t completely know herself just yet. And she didn’t know what Evie meant by love either. Not right then, not after the conversation they’d just had about not saying things too soon. Evie couldn’t mean actual love, Natalie thought, not so soon. Not love like lifetimes together and their everything utterly entwined. She must mean feelings that were a start towards that, a part of it, a beginning. She had to mean that, but Natalie didn’t want to seem difficult or patronising or anything else by asking. So she had no idea what to say.
“Oh god,” Evie said, almost right away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“No, I…”
“I’m sorry,” Evie said. “I’m so sorry. That completely wasn’t fair.”
Natalie shrugged. It probably wasn’t fair, but she didn’t especially mind. Mostly, she was just a little confused.
“I shouldn’t do that kind of shit to you,” Evie said, sounding increasingly upset.
“Evie, it’s fine.”
“I’m not that person,” Evie said. “I promise I’m not.”
Natalie didn’t understand that either, but concentrating on it was easier than answering Evie’s question about love. “What person?” she said.
“Someone that insecure. I’m not, I promise. I’m especially not around you.”
“Oh. Well, good…”
“Don’t answer,” Evie said. “Please don’t.”
Natalie opened her mouth.
“Don’t…” Evie said, sharply. “What I asked, don’t answer it. Seriously.”
“I’m starting to be,” Natalie said anyway. “In love with you.”
“I said not to answer.”
“I know.”
Evie seemed almost angry. “So why did you?”
“You wanted to know.”
“But it might ruin everything. Telling each other things like that. Saying it too soon.”
“It won’t.”
“It might. We just talked about that.”
“We talked about saying it too soon and that if one of us says it and the other has to respond.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“Well this isn’t that.”
Evie looked at her. Glared at her.
“It isn’t,” Natalie said. “This is you asking. And me answering. It’s nothing to do with what you might or might not have said first.”
“It’s still me knowing…”
“And I don’t mind you knowing, and I’m absolutely not asking you anything back. You asked. I might be. So there you go.”
“What if I’m not?” Evie said. “Did you ever think of that?”
“No, actually,” Natalie said, honestly.
“So you’re kind of taking a risk telling me,” Evie said.
“Well if I am, that’s fine.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
“Well I did. It’s too late now.”
“And now I have to answer.”
“What?” Natalie said, surprised. “No you don’t. That was the whole point of…”
“Except that really I do, don’t I?” Evie said.
“Of course not. We just said…”
“And how’s this different?” Evie said. “You just told me, without warning, so of course I have to now you have.”
“But you asked.”
“So what? You still told me.”
Natalie looked at Evie, and thought for a moment, and decided Evie was right. “Oh shit,” she said.
“Yeah, exactly,” Evie said. “It’s exactly what I was just saying we shouldn’t do. Asshole.”
“Fuck,” Natalie said. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, but still...”
“You don’t have to answer.”
“Yeah I do. Now.”
“You don’t,” Natalie said. “You really don’t.”
“Well I’m going to anyway,” Evie said. “Unless you stop me.”
Natal
ie didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t completely sure what Evie was going to say. Evie seemed upset, slightly edgy, and suddenly unsure of herself too, as if she was about to say something she didn’t want to say. Evie sat there, fidgeting, holding her coffee cup but not drinking. The sheet she was wearing started to slip, and she grabbed at it, irritably.
“Aren’t you going to stop me?” Evie said, after a moment.
“No,” Natalie said, thinking. She wanted to know. She was a little worried, but not so much she didn’t want to hear what Evie had to say.
“You’re sure?”
Natalie nodded.
“I’ll tell you.”
“All right,” Natalie said, preparing herself for the worst.
“I don’t know if I am,” Evie said.
“Oh.”
“I don’t know yet, okay?” Evie said. “Not completely. Not so I can say it. I don’t know if I am or not. Not yet.”
“That’s fine,” Natalie said, trying to be happy, but slightly disappointed.
“No it isn’t.”
“It really is.”
“No,” Evie said. “It’s not. It’s unfair not to know, but I don’t know.”
“I’m not asking for anything more.”
“I know you’re not asking,” Evie said, sharply. “I’m telling you all the same.”
“I understand.”
“And I am a little, if that helps. I’m getting there. Same as you.”
“It does,” Natalie said. “Of course it does. That’s all I could ever ask for.”
“Yeah,” Evie said, a little sadly. “It’s all you ask for, but it isn’t all I ought to be giving you.”
“No, it’s…” Natalie said, then realized she didn’t understand. “How do you mean?”
“There’s all these other things I ought to be saying you, and I’m not, and that isn’t far.”
“No,” Natalie said. “It’s fair.”
“You would say that.”
“I am saying that,” Natalie said. “And what?”
“You’re too kind to me. So you would say that.”
“I’m not being kind, I’m being… I don’t know.”
“Exactly.”
“Says who?” Natalie said, changing direction slightly.
“What?”
“Who says you ought to be saying anything particular.”
Evie shrugged. “I don’t know. People. Most people would expect it by now, wouldn’t they?”
“I have no idea, but I’m not.”
Evie looked up, and seemed to be thinking.
“No-one’s asking you to do a thing,” Natalie said. “I’m not asking you for anything. Not yet.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Oh,” Evie said again.
They looked at each other for a moment.
“Not yet?” Evie said.
“Yes. Not yet.”
Evie started to smile. She seemed suddenly happier, the way Natalie felt too. She seemed slightly embarrassed, too. “Sorry?” she said. “I didn’t mean…”
“Honestly, it’s fine. Really don’t worry.”
“Okay.”
“But now I really have to go,” Natalie said. “I’m sorry, but I absolutely have to. I have clients coming in first thing, and there may be court later…”
“Go,” Evie said.
“Are we all right?”
“Of course we are. I’m sorry I did this now.”
“No, it’s fine. We’ll talk tonight.”
“Sorry,” Evie said. “Fuck, I’m…”
“I promise it’s fine, if you’re all right? If we are too?”
“I’m fine. We’re fine. Go.”
Natalie hesitated, not sure she should.
“Go,” Evie said. “We’re fine. I promise.”
“We’ll talk tonight, though, yes?”
Evie nodded. She looked at Natalie for a moment, and seemed to be thinking. “I won’t go anywhere today, I promise.”
Natalie didn’t understand. “Why not?”
“I’ll be here when you come home,” Evie said. “Is what I mean. I won’t go anywhere, and I won’t change my mind. If it helps, that’s all.”
“You don’t need to stay here.”
Evie grinned. “Well, I was anyway, so I might as well make it a thing. In case it helps.”
“You really don’t have to.”
“And yet I still am.”
“All right,” Natalie said, deciding it wasn’t worth arguing. She kissed Evie, and kept kissing for a moment, desperately, long enough Evie moved her hands to Natalie’s face, and the sheet slipped again, and Evie had to grab at it, and then put down her cup.
“Maybe,” Evie whispered.
“Maybe too.”
“We’re okay,” Evie said. “I promise.”
“Thank you,” Natalie said, and then she left, a little uncertainly, hoping everything was as resolved as Evie had made it seem.
*
Natalie thought about Evie frequently, through the day. Every so often she was tempted to phone Evie and make sure everything was right between them. She was tempted, but made herself not give in. It would be a silly thing to do. They were both busy, and they hardly ever talked during the day, and Evie would probably find Natalie calling her both odd and a nuisance, an interruption, if she even picked up her phone at all.
Natalie made herself not, and quietly worried instead.
Usually, Natalie barely thought about Evie while she was at work. She had been the same with Meredith. Usually, she concentrated on the task in front of her, and was lost in that, and other concerns, the concerns of real life, tended to fade into the background. As far as she knew, Evie was the same. They just didn’t seem to be people who carelessly messaged each other when they were apart, and usually Natalie preferred it that way. But not today. Today, she seemed to want constant contact, because of what had been said over breakfast, and the more she got distracted, and tried to stop, the more she couldn’t manage to.
She needed to concentrate, to stop herself being distracted, but she couldn’t actually make herself do it. Instead, she spent the day wondering, and worrying, and in the end went home a little early, something she hardly ever did. She went home, and walked into the apartment, and was almost irrationally glad to see the lights were on and there was a smell of something cooking, and that Evie was still there.
She’d been more worried that she wanted to admit to herself.
She walked in, and put down her bag and phone and keys, and took off her jacket, and went over to the table where Evie was working and kissed quickly.
“Hey,” Evie said, in a way that sounded, to Natalie, ever so slightly tense.
“Hi,” Natalie said back, not completely sure how to act. It hadn’t exactly been a fight, but it was a something, and Natalie wasn’t sure how she ought to be. “That’s smells good.”
“Oh curry. It’s ready. It’s just keeping warm.”
“Do you want to eat now?”
Evie nodded. “I’ll just finish this.”
Natalie got out plates, and cutlery, and fluffed the rice in the rice cooker with a fork.
She thought, while she waited for Evie. She tried to work out what was making her feel unsettled. She sometimes didn’t entirely understand her feelings for Evie. Not that she had those feelings, that she understood, rather, what those feelings were, and how complicated they quickly became. She had never felt something this intense and complex before, and had nothing to compared the experience to. She didn’t know what it was reasonable to feel, and she didn’t know what Evie expected, either, and sometimes thinking about those things unsettled her.
Sometimes she wondered if she actually knew Evie properly, or if she was just imagining Evie as being the person she wanted Evie to be, some idealised Evie invented in her mind, a perfect Evie entirely separate from the dull reality and honest dreariness of an actual relationship. Sometimes she worried about
Evie’s age, and that Evie was young, and might not yet know herself as well as she one day would. Evie might be entirely trustworthy, and might mean every last thing she said, but she might still end up hurting them both terribly, by mistake. It was silly, thinking things like that, but Natalie did all the same. She worried a lot, and worried more on days like today.
She worried about mid-life crises too. Early on, she’d wondered if that was what Evie was, some kind of a mid-life crisis which she ought to let happen, and get over, and then move on. To have fun with, of course, but to be careful as well, to neither hurt nor be hurt, while making sure she didn’t fall too badly when it ended. She had wondered about that, a few weeks ago, but had stopped wondering fairly quickly. It wasn’t a mid-life crisis, Natalie was almost sure. She wouldn’t worry about losing one quite as much as she did. Not as much as she’d been worrying all day.
Her worrying made her think. It made her realize, as she had sometimes before, that it was already too late for her to stop this. After a whole day of fretting because of one short conversation, she had to admit it, at least to herself. She had fallen badly. She probably shouldn’t be so completely open as she was, as trusting as she was, but it was too late to care. She was, and that was all there was to it. So there wasn’t much else she could do.
She stirred the curry, and breathed in the smell of cardamom and lemongrass and ginger. Evie seemed to make curry without coconut milk, because she said it was better for them not to, and that meant the fragrance of the spices were more noticeable.
“Okay,” Evie said, and put down her book. She stood up, and came over to the stove, and put her arm around Natalie while she stirred the pot.
“Do we need to talk more about this morning?” Natalie said.
Evie shook her head, without looking up.
“Are you sure?”
Evie nodded. She looked slightly guilty. “It’s fine,” she said. “Everything’s good. I’m sorry, I just got a bit…”
Natalie waited.
“I don’t know what,” Evie said. “I’m just getting a bit intense about everything right now, I think.”
“I remember.”
Evie looked at her.
“Exams,” Natalie said. “They’re awful. I remember, is all.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yeah, of course.”
Evie's Job Page 29