Nothing happened.
Meredith kept thinking. She kept looking surprised. The surprise was going on too long, which was making Evie nervous.
Meredith shouldn’t have to think so hard about what happened now. Someone else had opened her ex’s front door. That was a surprise, sure. But she must be able to see inside, enough to tell that Natalie’s things were still there. If she had a key, she ought to be familiar enough with the apartment to be able to tell it was Natalie’s, even with Evie inside, confusing her. She ought to be able to decide what to do next, but she didn’t seem able to. She was just standing there, astonished.
Meredith was astonished, and after a moment, Evie thought she knew why. Meredith looked astonished because she was. There was someone younger and not very dressed in her ex’s apartment, and Meredith was stunned.
Evie might be jumping to conclusions, but she didn’t think she was. Meredith was too stunned to react because Meredith didn’t think Natalie could pull.
That was the only thing that made sense to Evie. It was horrible. It was cruel. It also seemed to fit.
Meredith was surprised Evie was there because Meredith didn’t think Natalie could get anyone else. And that, if it was right, meant some fairly awful things. That Meredith thought Natalie wasn’t worth having, and wasn’t someone anyone but Meredith would want. That Meredith thought she was better than Natalie, or more desirable, or that Natalie had somehow deserved what Meredith did to her. As if Meredith’s entire relationship with Natalie had been nothing more than a kind of lifelong pity-fuck on Meredith’s part, rather than something good and worthwhile and important.
Evie suddenly hated Meredith.
She hadn’t liked Meredith already, just hearing about her cheating, and she didn’t especially like the rudeness of her turning up like this. It was rude of Meredith to have a key, and to think she could just walk in if she felt like it, and it was unfair of her to remain that much a part of Natalie’s life and not let Natalie move on. It was arrogant, and unfair, and so Evie already didn’t like Meredith.
But now she utterly despised her for being astonished Evie was there.
*
Evie stood in front of Meredith, blocking the apartment doorway, feeling anxious and worried and angry, too. She was holding onto her anger. She needed that anger. She would feel threatened and wretched if she didn’t feel angry instead.
She knew why she was anxious. Meredith was bound to hate Evie, once she realized who Evie was. Meredith would hate Evie, and would probably say something about how she felt, and would probably say it horribly well, too. Meredith must be used to playing rough, to hurting people and being mean and winning at all costs, so if Evie let her, she would squash Evie flat. It would be easy for Meredith to do. Evie was in her old ratty clothes and her hair was a mess and she hadn’t had a cigarette yet today. She’d barely had coffee, and her head already hurt. She felt awful, and probably looked it as well, and if Meredith was cruel now, she knew she’d take it to heart.
She needed to do something, or say something, to make herself feel a little more in control.
She opened the door further, and for some reason that helped. She felt like she’d made a decision. She opened the door, and looked out at Meredith and said, “Yeah? What do you want?”
“Is Natalie here?”
Evie shook her head, and started to close the door, hoping to end it there. To close the door, and get rid of Meredith, and then have a cigarette. It wasn’t very brave, or confrontational, but quiet and discreet seemed best. She was avoiding unnecessary problems.
She tried.
She tried being sensible, and closing the door, but Meredith didn’t let her.
Meredith put her hand on the door. She didn’t actually push, not enough to prevent Evie closing it, but she used her hand to stop the door, and that was slightly odd. It was threatening, the way her having a key was threatening. It was saying it was Meredith’s door too, and Evie couldn’t close it without permission.
“What?” Evie said, suddenly nervous again.
“Who the fuck are you?” Meredith said.
Evie was a little surprised Meredith had sworn. She stood there for a moment, startled, wondering if she should just swear back. Swearing wasn’t what she’d expected, from someone dressed the way Meredith was dressed. People swore, Evie supposed. Evie swore herself. Natalie did too, and so, apparently, did Meredith. Perhaps Natalie liked foul-mouthed women, Evie suddenly thought, and then wished she hadn’t. She wasn’t sure she liked knowing she and Meredith had Natalie in common. That they shared something important to Evie, and which had once been important to Natalie, and probably to Meredith too.
Suddenly Evie felt mean. She felt like she was doing something wrong. She stood there for a moment, hesitating, and then Meredith glanced down. She was probably only glancing at Evie’s old clothes, or perhaps at Evie’s bare feet. She probably meant nothing by it, but Evie folded her arms over her chest anyway.
She hadn’t wanted to do that. She’d told herself she wouldn’t. Her shirt was old and thin and it was probably obvious she didn’t have anything on underneath. She’d known, opening the door, but had told herself she wasn’t going to care. She wasn’t going to fold her arms, and cover herself, and act all nervous and ashamed. She wasn’t going to try to hide herself, and let Meredith know she was uncomfortable.
She had told herself that, but then she did, as soon as Meredith looked at her.
She folded her arms, and for a moment wished she hadn’t, but then realized it was the right thing to have done. Suddenly, she felt better. She felt covered, and safer, and far more willing to fight. She felt angry again, a coolly righteous kind of anger. She glared back at Meredith, suddenly sure of herself. She had every right to be where she was, in Natalie’s home, and Meredith couldn’t stop her. Meredith just couldn’t.
“Who are you?” Meredith said again.
“Who the fuck are you?” Evie said.
“What?” Meredith said, and then seemed to realize Evie might now know who she was. Evie didn’t, as far as Meredith knew, and Evie was quite pleased with herself for remembering that.
“I’m Meredith,” Meredith said. “Natalie’s wife. Who are you?”
Wife was interesting, Evie thought. Wife, not ex. “That’s not really your business,” she said.
“I think it is,” Meredith said.
“Oh?” Evie said. “And I don’t really care.” She unfolded one arm and pushed on the door again. “Well, bye then.”
She wasn’t entirely trying to close the door, since she was feeling safer now. She wasn’t entirely trying, but she was pretending she was. It didn’t matter, anyway. Meredith pushed back. Not hard. Neither of them were pushing as much as they could have, but Meredith was stopping Evie closing the door, which was a little bit threatening again.
“What do you want?” Evie said, sharply.
“Could you please calm down,” Meredith said.
“I’m calm. What the fuck do you want?”
Meredith took a deep breath. “Look,” she said. “I’m not sure who you are, but I just need to get something from inside.”
“No,” Evie said.
Meredith held up the key-ring. “I’ve got a key.”
“Good for you,” Evie said. “I don’t think I should let you in when Natalie’s not here.”
“But I have a key.”
Evie shrugged.
Meredith looked at Evie, and it was a particular kind of look. A look that was angry, and rich, and successful. A look that said she expected to get her way, and wasn’t quite sure what to do when someone refused.
“I really just need a moment,” Meredith said. “If you don’t mind.”
“I mind,” Evie said. “I’m not letting you inside.”
*
Meredith glared at Evie for a moment longer, and then took out her phone. She called someone, and waited, still glaring, while the phone rung. There must have been no answer, because she hung up and tr
ied another number. That call was answered. “Hello,” Meredith said. “I was after Natalie… In a meeting? It’s Meredith, her partner… Oh all right, well, thank you.”
She put the phone away, and looked at Evie. “Natalie’s in a meeting.”
“I heard. She often is.”
Meredith gave Evie an odd look, as if the frequency of Natalie’s meetings wasn’t something Evie ought to know. Evie didn’t know. She’d just made that up.
“Well,” Meredith said. “If I could get hold of her, she’d tell you to let me in.”
It didn’t really seem like Natalie to tell anyone to do anything, Evie thought. Natalie seemed more likely to ask politely, and then probably apologise for being a nuisance too. Not that it really mattered.
“She might,” Evie said.
“I’m telling you that she would. So may I come in?”
“Of course not,” Evie said.
“I just told you…”
“You tried to ring her.”
“Yes.”
“You tried, I mean, but you didn’t actually get hold of her,” Evie said. “So I still haven’t talked to her, have I? So of course I’m not letting you in.”
“I tried to talk to her. Isn’t that enough?”
“You could have called anyone. You could be anyone.”
Meredith glared again. Then she pressed some buttons on her phone, and held it up so Evie could see the screen. It was the last calls list, and it said Natalie office, and then Natalie mobile.
“So what?” Evie said. “You could have any numbers in there.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Meredith said, and pressed another button, then showed Evie an actual number. It was Natalie’s, which as it happened, Evie knew from memory. She didn’t see why she should admit that to Meredith though.
“And same,” Evie said. “I don’t know Natalie’s actual number. I have a phone, it remembers phone numbers for me…”
“You could go and look at her number in your phone.”
“I could,” Evie said. “But I’m not going to.”
“God,” Meredith said. “You’re infuriating...”
She fiddled with her phone again, and inside the apartment, Natalie’s landline, the home phone, began to ring. “Happy?” Meredith said.
Evie shrugged again. “You still could be anyone. That might not even be you.”
She was quite proud of that little piece of obnoxious stubbornness. Meredith seemed startled too. She glared again, and seemed lost for words. Then she said, “Well for god’s sake, go and pick it up and see.”
“And have you walk in behind me. No way.”
Meredith looked at her for a moment. “Close the door.”
“You said you had a key. So, um, no way.”
Meredith stood there, silent and furious.
“Hey,” Evie said. “I’m a kind of busy. So maybe you should talk to Natalie sometime and sort this out with her?”
“I will.”
“Okay. Wonderful. Bye.”
“How old are you?” Meredith said suddenly.
Evie looked at Meredith, and wondered what to say. Meredith was obviously being rude, rather than actually asking. She was meaning that as an insult.
Evie thought about age, and how far apart hers and Meredith’s must be, and that Natalie had said that Meredith would care. Part of Evie wanted to be mean, but part of her thought she might regret it if she did. She might feel spiteful if she said something cruel right now, so she ought to be clever instead.
She ought to say something clever, but didn’t quite know what.
She thought about age, and about being younger, and about how large the age difference between her and Meredith was. She thought about being younger, very much younger, and how old she must have been when Natalie and Meredith had first met. She thought about being that age, and how she’d solved problems back then, and, oddly, about the way children teased people by repeating whatever they said right back. She thought about that, and how annoying it was, and decided it was exactly what she ought to do. It was slightly bizarre, and very petty, but it also felt comfortably right. It was infuriating without being nasty, and that was what she wanted.
“How old are you?” Evie said.
Meredith looked at her for a moment. “What?”
“What,” Evie said.
Meredith seemed surprised, as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “Are you copying me?” she said.
Evie was starting to feel slightly self-conscious. “Yep,” she said. “What about it?”
“Listen, you little fucking bitch…” Meredith said.
Evie closed the door.
She closed the door, and closed it quickly, hard enough it might have hurt one of them if Meredith had tried to stop her. She closed it, then stood right behind it. She was still a little scared, and wanted to be able to hold it shut if Meredith tried to open it again. She stood there, waiting, but didn’t look through the peephole. She didn’t want Meredith to see the flicker of light through the peephole and know she was still standing there.
She just stood where she was, and listened.
Meredith was quiet for a moment, but Evie knew she was still outside. Heels on the hallway floor made noise, so Evie knew she hadn’t walked away. Meredith didn’t knock again, and didn’t call out, she just stood at the door, silently.
That was actually a little troubling in itself.
Evie waited.
After a moment, she heard Meredith’s briefcase open, and heard a scratching sound. She had to think to work out what it was. A pen, she realized, relieved.
Meredith wrote, and then slid a note under the door. Evie glanced down, and checked it was harmless, but stayed as she was, listening. She didn’t reach for the note until she heard Meredith walk away. She heard Meredith’s footsteps, and then the lift chime open, and knew Meredith had gone. She peered out the peephole, just to be sure, and then opened the door and looked outside too. The hallway was empty.
She picked up the note. It was folded in half, with Natalie’s name on the top. She carried it folded, so she wasn’t tempted to look, even by accident, and left it on the kitchen table. Then she lit a cigarette, her hand shaking, and breathed in, slowly.
She knew she’d been mean, but she couldn’t really bring herself to care. Meredith deserved it. She’d treated Natalie terribly, and she’d been trying to push Evie around too, and she deserved whatever she got for both of those things. Evie hadn’t been especially mean, but she was starting to change her mind about that. Now Meredith had gone, and Evie felt safer, she was starting to be angry again rather than anxious. If she saw Meredith again she might try being horrible, she thought. She might be as horrible as she possibly could.
She smoked until her hands stopped shaking, and then went to have a shower. Before she did, she put a kitchen chair behind the front door, half-blocking it, in case Meredith suddenly came back.
20: Natalie
Meredith phoned Natalie at work, and bullied Natalie’s assistant until Natalie was called out of a meeting to talk. Natalie wasn’t impressed. Meredith had used to do that fairly regularly, and Natalie had been sick of it years ago. Unfortunately, Natalie’s assistant was new, new enough not to have encountered Meredith before, and Natalie hadn’t thought to specifically warn her to ignore Meredith’s threats.
Natalie’s assistant had got nervous, and called Natalie to the phone, and Natalie decided just to answer and see what Meredith wanted.
Meredith was upset. That was clear right away. “You’re aware there’s some child living in your apartment?” Meredith said, as if she thought Natalie had a squatter which she’d somehow not noticed.
Natalie wanted to point out Evie wasn’t a child, but decided it wasn’t worth the fight. “Yes,” she said instead, calmly. “I know. If you mean Evie.”
“Who is she?” Meredith said.
“Evie.”
“But who is she?”
Natalie sighed. Meredith was a bully
. It was an awful thing to think, but Meredith was. She had an infuriating need to have her own way, and to get it by ignoring other people’s feelings. There was a reason Meredith was like that, which Natalie completely understood. It was how Meredith had to be to succeed in a courtroom. She had to keep up that pretence, to act as if she was sure of herself, and keep that impression going even if when meant talking over people, and refusing to admit their point of view, and squashing them if they got in her way as if they didn’t matter. It annoyed Natalie, even though she understood why. It always had. Especially when Meredith brought it home and did it to her. Meredith being like that to Natalie had always made Natalie’s blood boil. Meredith’s way of talking down, and talking over people, and doing it quite deliberately to people she knew would let her get away with it, especially people who would be more happy to try and compromise. People like Natalie, and probably people like Evie too.
Natalie was glad that part of her life was over.
“Who is she?” Meredith was saying.
Meredith asked questions she already knew the answers to. It was another barrister’s habit, a courtroom habit. It was a kind of lecturey sham-questioning which Natalie had always found it particular infuriating, and she had told Meredith more than once to stop trying to lead her as if she was a witness. Meredith had always pretended not to understand, and told Natalie not to be silly, just as she would again, right now, if Natalie pointed it out. Fighting with Meredith never achieved much, because Meredith was too good at making her arguments. The only way Natalie had ever found to deal with her was to be intentionally difficult, to answer the wrong questions on purpose. Being with Meredith, Natalie had often thought, had made her equal parts conciliatory and passively spiteful, and she had never especially liked that about herself.
She was angry right now, but she knew she wasn’t going to say so. She was angry at the interruption while she was working, and angry that Meredith had apparently been around at the apartment again, just barging in because she wanted something she thought she was entitled to go and get. She was angry, but she knew she wouldn’t mention it. Instead, she would stay polite, and calm Meredith down, and get her own back by being difficult rather than just saying how she felt.
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