“Of course,” Natalie said. “If you’d like to. But really, don’t worry too much. We’re not in trouble yet.”
Evie nodded, but was still a little concerned.
“Everything’s all right,” Natalie said, and then looked at Evie. “You do believe me, don’t you?”
“I’m not sure whether I should.”
“You should.”
“Okay.”
“So, do you?” Natalie said.
“I suppose so, yep.”
Natalie kept looking at her.
“I believe you,” Evie said. “Stop staring.”
Natalie smiled, and kissed Evie, and stood up. “I might have a shower,” she said. “And go to bed. I’m exhausted, and tomorrow won’t be any better than today was.”
“Want me to come too?”
“For a shower?”
“For whatever. To bed?”
Natalie smiled a little. “If you like,” she said. “Either. Both.”
“Okay,” Evie said, and stood up too.
Evie went and ran the shower, and got the water temperature right, and then stopped to put her hair up so it didn’t get wet. Natalie squeezed past her and got into the shower. She’d have undressed in the bedroom so she could hang up her suit. Evie threw her clothes out the door, so they didn’t get wet, and then got in the shower with Natalie.
It was nice, she thought. Everything was suddenly a lot simpler as she stood there, under the water, slowly stroking Natalie’s back. This part of the day made sense, Evie thought. No matter how complicated everything else got, they still had each other, and that was what mattered.
*
There were more redundancies at work, as Natalie had warned, although neither as sudden nor as widespread as the first ones had been. Even so, a gloom settled over the firm. Everyone seemed nervous, and quiet, and worried.
People were scared, Evie supposed. She was a little scared. The firm was no longer the place it had been when she began working there, and it wasn’t a good kind of change. The floor Evie' had first worked on had been closed and put up for lease, and the survivors were packed into the floor above, without it even being a squeeze. The finance people suddenly cared a lot more about little things, like wasted printer paper and lights being left on and what could and couldn’t be claimed as a tax deduction. There seemed to be more memos sent around about saving money than there were about clients or the law, which Evie didn’t think was a very good sign. From Natalie, Evie had the sense that things were getting ruthless with the other partners. They were all fighting for their lives, and doing so pretty cold-bloodedly, but when Evie asked if Natalie was all right, she just shrugged and said she did corporate tax, and her department was a significant earner, like Evie’s was, so she’d be fine. Evie found that reassuring.
Life went on. Work was tense, and unsettled, but Evie did her best, and she was happy at home, which was really what mattered. Life went on, and Evie was happy, and she thought Natalie was too. She was happy until, quite suddenly, all the chaos around her became very personal. Far more personal than she had ever expected.
One afternoon, Evie picked up her ringing desk phone, and Meredith said, “Evie, it’s Meredith.”
Evie sat there for a moment. “What the fuck do you want?”
“I know we don’t get along…”
“Then don’t call me, I’d have thought,” Evie said. “And actually, how did you get my number?”
“I didn’t. I asked the receptionist to put me through.”
“She shouldn’t have.”
“Of course she should have. I’m a barrister. I might have wanted you brief me.”
“I still…”
“Evie, stop it. This isn’t the time.”
There was something in Meredith’s tone that made Evie stop. “Fine,” Evie said. “What do you want?”
“Calm down a little, I need to tell you something.”
“I’m calm. What is it?”
“Are you sure?”
“Just fucking tell me,” Evie said sharply.
“Natalie’s being let go. It’s happening right now, so I wasn’t able to warn her, but I thought you should know because she might not take it well.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Fuck. How do you know?”
“I know.”
Evie thought for a moment, looking at the wall. “You’re not messing with me somehow?”
“Don’t be an idiot. I wanted to warn you.”
“That’s all?”
“That’s all.”
For some odd reason Evie believed it. Because Meredith still cared about Natalie in her own odd way, she supposed. “Okay,” Evie said. “Well, thank you.”
She hung up, and then phoned Natalie’s office, but Natalie’s assistant said she was in with the other partners. It was too late, as Evie had expected, but she’d still had to try. She put down the phone, and sat there a little longer, wondering what to do. She wanted to talk to Natalie, to try and help, and be there for her, but she didn’t want to do it here, at work, with everyone around. She didn’t know how Natalie would react, and what she might need, but she didn’t want to do something public and embarrassing and wrong by dashing upstairs right away.
She decided to go home. It was early, but it seemed best. She switched off her computer and packed up her desk and told Rachel to cover for her, and say she was with clients if anyone asked. She sent Natalie a message saying where she was, and then she went home and waited.
She didn’t have to wait long. Natalie came in a little later. She closed the door and looked at Evie and said, “So you heard?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure if I heard right.”
“But you heard?”
“I think so. Tell me anyway?”
Natalie put down her briefcase and bag, and took off her coat, like she did every night. She put her keys and phone on the shelf beside the door, and then looked back at Evie.
“They fired me,” Natalie said.
“They can’t fire you, you’re a partner.” Evie wasn’t sure why that mattered.
“I can be voted out. And I was.”
“Oh god,” Evie said, shocked. She’d known, but it hadn’t seemed quite real until she heard it from Natalie. “Are you okay?”
“Mostly.”
“But why?” Evie said, after a moment.
Natalie shrugged.
“You don’t know?” Evie said.
“I can guess. Lots of reasons, but mostly money.”
Evie had a sudden, awful feeling that she understood, that she’d been right about contacts the day the redundancies began, but had just been worrying the wrong way around. She and Natalie knew the same people, so only one of them was actually necessary. And Evie was cheaper. A lot cheaper, which was bound to make a difference in the end.
“Is it my fault?” Evie said.
“Not at all.”
“But I thought you were safe, because tax is always okay…”
“Tax is only okay as long as clients keep suing the tax office. And in a recession, they don’t.”
“Oh,” Evie said.
“We’re not accountants,” Natalie said. “And I suppose that’s what they need.”
“I suppose,” Evie said, but was still thinking about blame. “Was it because of something you said to me?” she said. “Something you shouldn’t have?”
“Strangely no.”
“Why strangely?”
“They were worried I would, I think. Which is funny, when you think about it.”
“No it isn’t,” Evie said.
“I mean, since we were so careful not to, and they just assume anyway…”
“It isn’t funny. You should do something. Make them take you back. If you need me to, I’ll tell them you never told me a thing.”
Natalie shook her head.
“You have to do something,” Evie said.
“No. That isn’t how it’s done.”
“You’ll just let this happen?”
“Pretty much, yes.”
“Oh,” Evie said. She didn’t know what else to say.
“It’s fine,” Natalie said. “I’m exhausted. I’m almost glad. It’s not worth fighting for any more.”
Evie looked at Natalie, beginning to be worried. Natalie seemed sad rather than anything else. Evie got up, and went over, and hugged her. She held onto Natalie and whispered, “Everything will be all right. I promise.”
“I don’t know…”
“It will.”
“We’ll see.”
Natalie seemed despondent. She didn’t seem quite herself. Evie tried to work out what might be wrong. She thought about Natalie’s age, and how that might make it harder to find another job. She thought specialized skills, which would make it harder too, and the embarrassment of this happening when Natalie had thought her life was going to be a certain way. Natalie must be upset, and Evie completely understood why. She would have been a mess herself.
She wanted to help.
“What’s worrying you?” Evie said. “That it’ll be hard to find something else?”
“I don’t know.”
“That it might take time?”
“I suppose so. And money. Obviously.”
“Well money isn’t a problem,” Evie said. “For now, anyway. I mean, I seem to still have a job, so I can look after things for a while.”
Natalie seemed surprised.
“What?” Evie said.
“I don’t know, I…”
“Something’s wrong with that?”
“Not wrong exactly…” Natalie stopped.
“Please tell me?” Evie said.
“Money. Bills. I don’t know.”
“Um, how’s that wrong, if I’m paying…?”
“Because you are.”
“Oh,” Evie said, suddenly understanding. She’d assumed Natalie was worried about having a job, and her pride, and all sorts of important things like that. Not anything as boring as actual money. Not anything as boring as how she usually paid all the bills, and so apparently thought that meant she always had to.
“You asshole,” Evie said. “You thought I wouldn’t help?”
Natalie shrugged.
“Just because I hadn’t until now?” Evie said.
“Well, you haven’t until now, so…”
“Yeah, but…” Evie thought. “I just hadn’t. It doesn’t mean anything. You looked after all that while I was studying, and while I was getting started. You looked after me, I mean, so I’ll look after you now.”
“I can’t ask you to…”
“Natalie, you asshole. I live here too. And I want to keep living here, so I’ll help.”
Natalie looked at Evie for a while.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Evie said. “Asshole. Stop it.”
“You have no idea what I…”
“Oh I so fucking do. I know exactly, but you’re wrong.”
“Am I?”
“I need you,” Evie said. “Of course. Because this is good. What we have is good, and it’s something I can only have you. I really want to be here, with you, even if we got here a funny way. Because this means everything to me, and I’d do anything for you.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, thinking.
“So stop acting so fucking surprised every time I say so.”
“I wasn’t…” Natalie said.
“You so completely were, you liar. I’m not a gold-digger and I never was, and all I ever wanted was to be with you. At some point you need to start believing in us.”
“Maybe,” Natalie said, after a moment.
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe I was thinking that,” Natalie said. “Maybe I do.”
“So don’t. And do. You know what I mean.”
“You’re right,” Natalie said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…”
“No you shouldn’t,” Evie said. “So, um, don’t.”
“I won’t.”
They grinned at each other for a moment. Natalie was seeming happier, and Evie was glad. This was a little silly, but it was working, and that was enough.
“So anyway,” Evie said, trying to be practical. “About the money. I think we should be fine. Since there isn’t a mortgage here, I mean, and that makes everything cheaper. I can look after food, and the power bills and whatever else.” She grinned. “The water too, I suppose. Whatever.”
“The power is a lot…”
“So we’ll turn the heating off and wear more clothes.”
“The car was a work one,” Natalie said, almost as if she was determined to find problems. “And I just lost that, and I don’t know I can afford another.”
“So we’ll walk. Or use the bus.”
“The bus?” Natalie said, sounding slightly horrified. Evie actually couldn’t tell if she was serious.
“Or a train if you’d rather,” Evie said. “Or walk. What I mean is, we’ll cope.”
Natalie actually smiled.
“We will,” Evie said. “I promise.”
“I’m starting to get that,” Natalie said, but her mood seemed odd. She seemed still to be thinking, and she still seemed unsure.
“What’s wrong?” Evie said. “We don’t really have to catch a bus.”
“No, not that. Don’t be silly. I have some savings. I think I can afford a car.”
“Good. So what’s wrong?”
Natalie shrugged.
“Just tell me,” Evie said. “Please?”
“I just want to ask,” Natalie said. “So I know. For reassurance.”
“Okay. So ask.”
“You’ll be upset.”
“I’ll try not to be. Just ask.”
“I don’t know…”
“Just ask,” Evie said.
Natalie shrugged. “So you aren’t leaving?”
“I’m not what?” Evie said, startled.
“I thought you might, if I wasn’t…”
Evie waited.
“If I wasn’t working,” Natalie said. “I didn’t know what you’d do.”
“But leave?” Evie said. “Fuck no. You really thought I would?”
“Perhaps.”
“God, why?”
Natalie shrugged.
“Because you lost your job?” Evie said.
“I suppose so.”
“After a year together, you think I’d leave…?”
Natalie sat there for a moment. She didn’t answer.
“Stop it,” Evie said. “Please just stop doubting us. Of course I’m not fucking leaving.”
“But I’m unemployed. I’ve lost my partnership.”
“And well, so what?”
Natalie looked at Evie. She seemed to be thinking.
“You really thought I would?” Evie said.
“I wondered. For a moment.”
“I’m not, okay. Ever.”
Natalie nodded.
“You believe me?” Evie said.
“Of course I do. I told you, that was just for reassurance. It wasn’t…” Natalie stopped, and shrugged.
“So we’re fine?” Evie said. “That’s what I mean.”
“We are.”
“Well, good,” Evie said, and then sat for a moment, thinking. “So could I just check. With all this happening, you’re actually only worried about that, about me leaving. Not about money or getting a new job or whatever?”
“Well, I’m worried about money too…”
“But more about me leaving?”
Natalie shrugged again.
“Well this must just be a wonderful day for you,” Evie said. “Since I’m staying.”
“It is.”
“Staying forever. And you only just found out. You must be excited.”
“All right,” Natalie said. “I’m sorry I wondered.”
“You fucking should be,” Evie said. “And by the way, you’re stuck with me now.”
Natalie smiled.
“I mean it,” Evie said. “You really are.”
; “I understand,” Natalie said. “And I’m glad.”
“Good,” Evie said. She kissed Natalie, and then got up, and went into the kitchen. She needed a drink, and she thought Natalie probably would too. She went to the rack where Natalie kept her wine. “What’s the most expensive bottle here?” she said, suddenly.
“I don’t know. The Barossa Shiraz up the top, probably.”
Evie looked. “This?”
“Probably.”
“Want to drink it?” Evie said.
Natalie seemed surprised. “What, right now?”
“Yep,” Evie said.
“Oh. Yes, if you like.”
“Only if you do.”
“Shouldn’t we keep it for something special…?” Natalie said.
“Since we might never be able to afford good wine again?”
“I didn’t mean that,” Natalie said, and then seemed to realize Evie was teasing. “No,” she said. “Just we should celebrate with it, that’s all.”
“We are,” Evie said. “This is a celebration.”
“It’s not really…”
“Yeah it is. Since you finally realized I love you.”
Natalie looked at her for a moment. “I didn’t not know…”
“You kind of did. And now you do for sure. So let’s celebrate.”
“Fine,” Natalie said. “All right.”
“And besides, since you’re not actually concerned about finding something else to do, we can kind of celebrate you being unemployed too.”
“Oh stop it,” Natalie said, but she was smiling.
Evie grinned, and looked at the top of the wine. It was expensive, but still had a twist-top. She got glasses, and came back to the table, where Natalie was sitting. “When did you last take leave from work?” she said.
“I can’t remember. A few years ago. Why?”
“Well, this can celebrate the start of your holiday too.”
“It’s not really a holiday.”
“Don’t be difficult,” Evie said, and opened the wine. She poured, and sipped. It was actually quite nice, although probably not worth what it cost. “Are you worried,” she said, after a moment. “About what to do next?”
“Worried?”
“I don’t know. Because of not knowing.”
“Not really.”
“Um,” Evie said. “Shouldn’t you be?”
“Stop it,” Natalie said. “I’ll be fine.”
“Of course you will,” Evie said, suddenly deciding she shouldn’t tease. She ought to be supportive, in case Natalie was concerned.
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