Rey pulls me closer and, with tender fingers on the side of my face, lifts my chin. I know he’s going to kiss me and I know I should push him away. I just woke up an hour ago beside Jax. It’s not fair to Rey, especially since he doesn’t even know.
But I let him kiss me anyway because it’s been so long without him and because I’m pretty sure I’m just an awful person and I only care about what I want. Right now, I want both of them because I care about both of them.
Like our first, Rey’s kiss is compassionate and slow, giving me plenty of opportunity to draw away if I choose. I don’t. Instead, I wind my fingers around his neck as his hands slide into my hair, holding us together. Few a few sweet, blissful moments, I am lost.
Then reason takes over. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be kissing anyone now, not until I figure out who I want; Jax or Rey; and it can’t be both.
Placing my palms firmly against his chest, I press him away, keeping my gaze down because I am ashamed of myself.
“I can’t, Rey,” I whisper, shifting backward on the stone step so a giant space full of awkward tension swells between us.
For a long time he says nothing. I can feel his eyes burning into the top of my skull while he pieces everything together. It’s not like it’s a difficult puzzle to map out.
“Kelsey,” he eventually says very slowly, as if I won’t understand that it’s my name. “What is your relationship with Jax?”
He doesn’t sound hurt or angry. He doesn’t sound like anything at all, reminding me of the blank voice of the Gamble calling out numbers. It makes me feel worse because it means he’s trying to control his emotions to not upset me. I wish he’d yell instead. Someone needs to scream some sense into my brain because I suck at it.
Sighing, I chew my lips that still tingle from Rey’s kiss. The moment of truth has arrived. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“It’s complicated. It’s… I don’t know.”
“Have you kissed him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Do you love me?”
I look at Rey again, finding his dazzling blue eyes that are the same color as the sky at noon on a beautiful sunny day. Except now storm clouds hover behind them, dark and ominous.
“Of course I love you, Rey.”
“But not the way you love Jax?”
“I don’t know!” I cry. “I don’t even know if I love Jax!”
“So what do you know?” he demands, his voice rising as he scowls and leans away. And somehow we are fighting again, the second day in a row with someone I had almost never fought with at all before, and certainly never fought with over anything important.
Squirming on the step, my fingers twist and knot together, mimicking my rolling insides. “I know that I care about both of you and that right now, I need some time alone to figure out everything. Figure out what I’m feeling. So much has happened.”
“But you love me, Kelsey.” It comes out as a desperate plea, his face crumpling, and I’d rather he go back to being angry.
“But I think I might love him too. I never meant for it to happen. I hated him in the beginning and he hated me, but… but you were dead Rey and it damn near killed me. I had to find a way to live again.”
Shoving to his feet, he glares down at me, angelic features twisted in pain and anger. “Well, you certainly didn’t waste any time.”
“Rey-“ but he’s gone, vanishing through the door and into the building before I can even figure out what I wanted to say next.
CHAPTER SIX
Dropping my head into my hands, I wrap my fingers into my hair and tug, as if that will relieve some of the pressure building inside my head threatening to explode. I feel like absolute crap, like the scum of the earth, and I have no idea where to go. I can’t stay in the dorm suite with Jax, not after sleeping beside him last night and not when I’ll only feel guilty about Rey. I don’t know what old dorm suite Rey was assigned to, but I can’t stay with him because then I’ll only feel guilty about Jax. The shame gnaws at my gut like a ravenous rodent. It may well eat me alive before I figure out what to do about any of this.
More fireflies flit across the open field before me, glowing and twinkling in the dark as they drift from the tall grass. The moon hasn’t traveled high enough yet, the sky still dark. I enjoy the solemn blackness dotted only with the twinkling stars and the shimmering twist of the Milky Way.
A shape trots from the tree line and a few moments later Tisis appears, fur shining silver in the starlight. A dead squirrel hangs from her teeth, which she drops on the steps by my feet as if offering it to me for dinner.
“What? Are we friends now?” I ask her. She cocks her head to one side, eyes glittering and ears pricked forward.
“Go take it to Jax,” I say, pointing to the open door of the apartment complex. She snatches up her kill and slinks inside, padded paws silent on the concrete and floor tiles.
“Well hey there, poppet.”
I twist around to see the giant, hulking form of Ryder striding through the door, his thick, wide shoulders brushing the frame. A gun is slung across his back and he’s dressed all in black with a lantern swinging in one hand. He must have been assigned night security, which has been doubled since our attack on the League. Even though they probably won’t plan retaliation this quickly; not with the condition in which we left them; Nole and Charlie take the ‘safe over sorry’ method of protection. I have no arguments.
“Hi,” I say, staring straight up from where I sit as he stops beside me, his large boots coming up to my shoulders. The lantern casts glowing patterns across the stairs around me.
“You on security tonight?” he asks, his bald head shining in the small bit of candlelight escaping from the inside entry hall.
I go to say no, but realize I have nothing else to do. Having slept all day, I’m not tired and I’ve already established I have nowhere to go. Jumping to my feet, I flick my hair out of my face. “Yes.”
Looking me up and down, Ryder inspects my attire. “Shorts and a tank top? Don’t look like you’re ready.”
I glance at my bare feet and pajamas. “Give me five minutes.”
“You got three. I’m not sittin’ round waitin’ for you to make yourself pretty.”
Nodding that I understand, I charge up the stairs to suite 307. Flinging open the door, I find Nadia and Jax sitting at the tiny kitchenette counter eating dinner. A full plate, still warm, waits for me and yet another twinge of remorse stabs into my heart as they both stare at me expectantly.
“I’m on security detail,” I say quickly, rushing to the bathroom to find new clothes and my boots. Changing in a few seconds into cargo pants and a clean shirt, I pull my unruly curls into a ponytail with a thin strip of leather and yank the bathroom door back open.
Jax stands in the doorway and I startle, jumping backward with one hand flying to my chest.
“No, you aren’t,” he says flatly, ignoring my reaction.
“What?”
“You aren’t on security detail tonight. I assign security now and didn’t pick you because you need to rest and I don’t feel you’re ready to face the League again.”
“I’m going anyway. With Ryder.”
Pressing past him, disregarding his narrowed eyes, I grab a handgun from his stash in the living room, tuck it into the waistband of my pants and then return to the kitchen to ruffle Nadia’s hair, give her a quick hug and tweak her tiny nose that looks like someone stuck a leftover piece of putty on her face. “We’ll have dinner together tomorrow, ok? Just you and me.”
She pouts for a moment and then shrugs. “Be careful.”
I almost find it funny that a child is worried about my well-being when it should be the other way around.
“Of course I will. Besides, after what we did to the League, they have bigger problems than me right now.”
Tisis sits at her feet,
yellow-green eyes watching every movement. After thinking for a moment, I pat the wolf on the head, her fur coarse and thick. She lets me do so without even so much as a growl. I think Tisis and I have finally come to a friendly arrangement, much better than the first night we met when I thought she was going to rip my throat out. At least someone around here doesn’t hate me.
I duck of the the door and into the empty hallway when a strong hand around my elbow drives me to a halt.
“What’s going on?” Jax demands as I spin to face him. Closing the apartment door to spare Nadia whatever heavy discussion comes next, he folds his arms over his broad chest and regards me with cool challenge across his features.
“What do you mean?” My voice comes out as a small squeak instead of the nonchalant question I had envisioned. I clear my throat and shuffle my feet uncomfortably, reaching for my mother’s necklace that I have somehow managed to not lose in everything that’s happened.
Jax’s jaw grinds together. “I mean, you are not only volunteering for night security, you’re actually happy it about it. I’m the only person who’s ever happy about night security. And Ryder.”
“Good for you?”
“What happened with Rey?”
“Nothing,” I lie and hope he doesn’t see through it. Trying to leave again, he stops me a second time by sliding between me and the stairway door.
“What do you want?” I snap in anger, which is misplaced, I know. I’m mad at myself and taking it out on Jax, using security detail as an excuse to not have to talk to him tonight and explain why we can’t share a bed, why he can’t kiss me anymore. More time for me to think. More time to delay the inevitable decision.
“I saw you.” His tone is soft, but the words come out as the accusation they are. “I saw you kiss Rey.”
And suddenly my heart has dropped into my stomach and my tongue has turned as dry as sandpaper and tripled in size. Anything I had planned to say flees my mind, leaving it blank.
“You’re spying on me?” I manage to spit out, the question harsher than I intended and certainly not the best response. None of my words are coming out right and it only adds to the anxiety swirling inside me.
“No. I went down to let you know dinner was ready and to invite your best friend to join us.”
“Jax, it’s not what you think.”
“So then what is it?”
“Complicated,” I say, cringing because that’s apparently the only word I know anymore.
“Were you planning on telling me?”
“Yes. Eventually. I just needed time to think.”
“If I tried to kiss you right now, would you let me?”
“No.”
A long, weighty silence falls over us and I swear it will suffocate me, choking off my oxygen with its oppression. Animosity rolls off of Jax in waves and for a brief second I wonder if he’ll snap, if this will be the final straw Daniel had been so concerned about.
Jax watches me, I can feel his gaze driving into my skull as if he’s trying to read my mind. Good luck, I’d love to know what I’m thinking. I’m yet again staring at the floor of cracked and missing tiles, unable to look him in the eye because I’ll only start crying and make everything worse. I can’t cry, not when I’m the one causing everyone to be hurt and angry. I have no right to be sad.
“I guess it’s not so complicated then,” he finally growls before re-entering the apartment and slamming the door in my face. On its single screw, the upside-down “7” wavers back and forth with little swish sounds.
* * *
“That was longer than three minutes,” Ryder says as I re-emerge into the night.
“Sorry.”
His face scrunches. “You cryin’?”
I hastily wipe at my cheeks, having not even noticed they were wet. “No.” More lies. I guess that’s all I’m capable of tonight.
“I don’t deal with women cryin’.”
“I’m not.”
“Good. Find a way to toughen up, poppet, you’re gonna need it in this world. Apple?”
Offering me the shiny green fruit, I take it from his giant, scarred hand as my mouth waters. I’m starving and I really need to remember to eat more consistently. With everything going on, with the war that marches closer to our doorstep, I need to keep my strength and I’ve definitely gotten too thin after being half-starved by the League. My ribs stick out and my collar bone protrudes and if Elsa saw me now, she’d sit me in a chair and feed me until I burst.
Crisp and delicious, the apple’s juice dribbles down my chin as I bite into it. Food on the surface tastes so much better than the food in ROC ever did, even without the spices and sauces and elaborate means to prepare it that I’d been accustomed to in the O.Z. Maybe because most of the food in ROC is genetically engineered, or not nearly as fresh or it’s all pumped so full of preservatives and chemicals I’m not even sure it can be considered food anymore, but either way, I enjoy the change.
Staying close to the massive man, I trail him from the property and into the woods. I’m amazed that he moves so quiet and graceful, barely unsettling the ground or shrubbery without having to slow his pace. Everyone up here walks like that, except me of course, crashing through the underbrush like a moron.
Finishing the apple, I toss the core into the shrubs.
“Shouldn’ta done that,” he says.
“Why not?”
“Someone finds it, they’ll know we’re close and possibly which way we went.”
“Oh, I never even thought of that. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, just learn. You got a gun?” he asks, swinging his lantern around. I lift the hem of my shirt to display the weapon. He thins his lips and glares. “Why the heck isn’t it in your hand then? We’re on security, kiddo. And I’m willing to bet some of the League’ll be lookin’ for us already. Especially you. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re on their hit list. Sawyer’s probably got a fancy price on your head.”
Scrambling, I jerk the gun from my pants and wrap my hands around it the way Jax had taught, safety off and right index finger hovering over the trigger.
Ryder jumps to the side. “Oh, come on, poppet! Don’t walk around with your finger on the trigger. That’s a good way to shoot someone you don’t mean to. Keep it along the side of the barrel n’only move to the trigger when you’re certain of what you’re ‘bout to kill. This thing’s no toy.”
Making the adjustment, I look to Ryder for approval. Giving me a once over, he nods. “You know how to use it?”
“I’ve killed four people.” There’s no emotion in my voice as I say it, as if I have detached myself from my crimes, justified or otherwise. Still, however calm I might appear on the outside, their deaths weigh heavy on my conscious and chew on my bones. Their ghosts didn’t leave this earth and now cling to my back, sit on my shoulders and haunt my mind. I wonder if they will ever go away.
Ryder stares at me long and hard, the lantern raised between us so the light falls on his tan, sun-worn face. “You did what you had to, to be standin’ here today. There’s no shame in that and don’t think for a second any of those people would feel guilty if they had killed you instead.”
“I know. I just don’t want to become a monster,” I say, thinking of Jax’s words.
“Then don’t become a monster. In this world, you choose who you become.”
“Can you teach Nadia to use a gun?” The words burst from my mouth before I’ve even realized I’m thinking about them. Ryder blinks with surprise.
“The little girl you brought back? She’s a child.”
“I can’t imagine someone’s age would stop you. She needs to learn. I can’t always be there to protect her. Or Jax. She’s really smart and mature and the League probably wants her nearly as bad as they want me.”
“And why can’t you or Jaxon teach her?”
“Because I’m surprised I haven’t shot myself in the foot yet and Jax… he… well, I’d prefer if it were you.” I don’t feel like go
ing into the personal details of my life with Ryder, especially not right now.
“I’m not teachin’ a little girl how to fire a weapon. We try real hard to not turn the kids around here into soldiers. This life is already hard enough. Maybe in a few more years.”
“Do you have children of your own, Ryder?”
He stands taller, shoulders square. A muscle in his jaw twitches. “As a matter of fact I do. Two sons, one’s Ivan who I think you’ve met. Aside from the fact that you don’t got children and aren’t even old enough to be Nadia’s mother anyway.”
“She has no one else and we’re both from ROC. I’m the best she’s got and I want to make sure she’ll be safe when the League comes.”
“She’ll be safe,” he assures. Somehow, he says it with such conviction, I actually believe him. I duck my head with shame because I know he’s right. Nadia has no business handling a gun. The world has already stolen enough of her innocence. I don’t need to extinguish the rest.
“I just worry about her,” I say.
“She’s lucky to have you. From what I’ve seen she’s a strong and smart kid, and Jaxon’s wolf seems to have taken’ a likin’ to her. She’ll be ok. You’re gonna have bigger things to worry ‘bout.”
Sighing, I rake a hand through my ponytail and nod in agreement. He has no idea.
“Can we patrol the perimeter now?” he asks. “This conversation’s gettin’ too heart-to-heart for me as it is.”
Without another word, I trudge along behind him through the dark forest with only a single lantern to guide us. We walk in silence, Ryder because he appears to be a man of few words and me because I’m lost in my thoughts of Jax and Rey and how they’re now both angry with me and I don’t know how to make this situation better. If I choose to be with Rey, Jax will be hurt and if I choose to be with Jax, Ray will be crushed and either way, I’ll feel nothing but guilt. I suppose I could choose neither of them, but I don’t know if that will help anything.
I think about how it wouldn’t be a problem if Rey were actually dead. I had come to terms with that and had learned to somehow move on. Then I feel sick to my stomach for even considering such an awful idea. What kind of horrible person am I? I couldn’t be happier he’s back, it’s all I could have hoped for a month ago and I would never change it now. I just wish I’d known the truth before I met Jax. I wish I could have known a lot of things. I wish people hadn’t kept so many secrets from me.
The Choice (The Gamble Series Book 2) Page 5