“Well, if you want to shoot them in cold blood right now, here you go,” Jax replies with cool nonchalance, offering his gun to Rey. Rey looks between the weapon and the two prisoners, mouth half open.
My throat clenches because he’s actually considering this as an option. And I don’t know whether or not I should try to stop him. It’ll be two less League people to worry about. Then I hate myself for even thinking about killing them the same way Sawyer killed those ROC citizens. No one deserves a blatant execution except for maybe Sawyer and Elijah themselves. Killing these two won’t stop the League’s mission and it won’t stop them from seeking their revenge. If anything, it will add to their mounting list of grievances.
Rey still hasn’t moved. Nor has anyone else. And I’m holding my breath because a month ago I would have never believed Rey capable of something like this and now I’m not sure what to think.
“Yeah, didn’t think so,” Jax says after a long tense silence when Rey doesn’t take the gun. Jax slides it back into his holster. I exhale with relief.
“Fine, but what’s being done to keep Kelsey safe?” Rey demands, eyes flashing as he steps closer to Jax.
“Kelsey has taken care of herself on more than one occasion,” Jax says and I’m taken aback that he defends me… kind of… all things considered.
“Like the two times the League had her locked up?” Rey demands. “Like when they drugged her and beat her and would have killed her?”
“Well, fortunately those two times, I was here to save her,” Jax says, his expression smug. “Unlike you. Now get out of my face before you regret it, Sub.”
“Why don’t you get out of mine?” With two hands, Rey pushes Jax’s broad shoulders, causing him to stumble backward.
“Rey!” I exclaim with a step forward. Neither listen as Jax shoves him back, both their faces distorted in ugly rage.
It happens so quickly, I have no idea who threw the first punch. Before I can even stop them, Jax and Rey wrestle on the ground, fists slinging every direction as strings of profanity spit from both their mouths. Blood gushes from Rey’s nose and Jax’s lip, though neither seems to be gaining an upper hand on the other as they roll across the grass, flailing and thrashing, jabbing fists and knees whenever an opportunity presents itself.
“Stop it!” I scream, rushing toward them as Randolph and Nole do the same. Everyone else stares in startled surprise, mouths agape, unsure how to react. Randolph grabs the back of Jax’s T-shirt, tearing the collar as he struggles to get a grip on Jax. Meanwhile, Nole fights Rey away, hauling him to his feet and giving him a rough shake from both shoulders.
Blood paints Rey’s face like a gruesome piece of artwork, his nose clearly broken, one cheek cut and a black eye already forming. As Randolph yanks Jax to his feet, I see he doesn’t look any better with at least one bottom tooth chipped and blood flowing from his mouth. He spits a clump to the ground and wipes at his chin.
And then both boys are shouting. Nole and Charlie are shouting. Everyone is shouting, the sound deafening to my ears.
“Are you completely insane?” I cry, storming up to Rey and pushing him with both hands.
“He started it!” Rey barks, running the back of his hand across his nose and jabbing a blood coated finger at Jax.
“I didn’t start crap you idiot, Sub!” Jax replies another glob of blood spattering from his mouth while he fights against Randolph, and now Ryder, who struggle to restrain him.
“Enough!” roars Nole, his voice booming over everyone else and stunning the crowd into silence. “Rey! You’re coming with me! Jaxon go with Ryder. And if either of you so much as look at each other the wrong way I’ll toss you in the cell with the League members!”
I’ve forgotten about them. Flipping around, I see both still kneeling, their hands bound. The woman stares wide-eyed and trembles. The man sneers at me. “You just have all kinds of people fighting over you, don’t you, Sub?” Then he throws back his head and laughs, the kind that vibrates his whole chest.
Without thinking, I stride forward, lift a leg, and kick him square in the stomach. He coughs and gags, crumpling forward.
Suddenly there’s a firm grip on my arm. Turning, Charlie stands beside me, her face tight and angry as her eyes bore into mine. “Stop. And come with me.”
Her tone leaves no room for argument, nor do her fingers wrapped around my elbow as she all but hauls me into the building, down the main hall and into one of the empty classrooms lining the back of the building.
Once inside, Charlie sets about lighting extra lanterns and candles throughout the space, desks and chairs so coated in dust I doubt anyone has touched them in years. The soft, gold light does nothing to make Charlie appear less ominous and I shrink into a corner of the room hoping she’ll forget she dragged me here.
She doesn’t.
“What was all that about?” she demands, voice sharp and challenging as she whips to face me.
“What does he think he knows about anything? I wanted that stupid smile off his face!” I’m shaking and hot, skin flushed as my blood boils.
“I’m not talking about the League prisoner, though I thought you were better than that. I’m talking about Jaxon and Rey.”
My jaw hinges several times. “I don’t know,” I reply, shoulders curving inward as I slump against the wall, adrenaline flowing from my veins and leaving me drained.
Her eyes narrow, full lips thinning into a tight line. “Kelsey, it was quite clear to everyone out there that Rey and Jax were fighting about more than just your safety from the League, so I’m going to ask you one more time, what was that fight actually about?”
“I… they…” I stammer, fumbling for words when there aren’t any good ones I can use to explain. Anything I say makes me sound like a horrible person. Maybe I am.
Charlie leans on a long desk at the front of the room, her palms resting on the scratched, chipped surface. Behind her, a white board with notes of some sort of chemical reaction drawn across it hangs dented and dirty on the wall. It occurs to me that lesson has been there for a century, someone’s painstaking work for a final class before they likely never taught again.
She pieces together her next words carefully. “In ROC, what was your relationship with Rey?”
“We were best friends. We grew up together.”
Her head cocks to one side. “And then it became something more?”
I lick my lips. “Yes. I guess. It was after his number was selected in the Gamble. I mean, he always loved me more than a friend, he wanted to marry me. I just didn’t realize I felt the same way until he was sentenced to death.”
“So you love him?”
“Yes.”
“And what about Jax?” I expect her question to be harsher; she has a stronger connection to Jax than Rey; but it’s not. She asks with a calm indifference that has become so familiar to the way she handles most situations, as if she has to detach herself from any emotion to arrive at a logical conclusion. As if detachment is the only way to survive anything in her world.
I sigh, turning my gaze to the dingy plaster wall behind a sink in the far corner, cracked and missing tiles cover part of the wall behind it. They must have once been white along with the paint on the wall. Now everything only boosts shades of brown and grey, all framed in mold and mildew.
“I love him too.”
It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted my feelings out loud. Now that I have, I know how true they are. It doesn’t seem possible, and I don’t even know how it happened, but I am in love with two men; equally and irrevocably.
Charlie nods slowly, chewing on her bottom lip. “It’s the eyes isn’t it?”
I return my gaze to Charlie. “What?”
“Their eyes. Both boys have gorgeous blue eyes. I can see why you fell for them. I was a sucker for eyes once. Green though. Like the color of the grass in early spring, right when the snow melts and everything is fresh and alive. They made me feel alive too. Every time I looked at him,
I found myself hoping our children would have his beautiful eyes.”
She seems lost in thought, her own eyes drifting to stare out the dark windows and into the night beyond, though I don’t think it’s the darkness she sees.
“What happened to him?” I ask.
Shaking her head, a sorrow washes over her face that I’ve never seen before, not even on my father’s when my mother was selected and he escorted her to the chambers. It drags my heart, as if her grief holds a tangible force that has the ability to tear a person to shreds.
“He gone. It doesn’t matter anymore. But Jax and Rey are here, dealing with this mess right now. That you caused.”
“I know.”
“Then you know you have to choose. You can’t do this to both of them. Not because it’s not fair, though it isn’t, but because it will rip them apart. If they don’t rip each other apart first.”
“I know,” I say again, hanging my head because I am humiliated. “It’s just so hard. Rey, he was dead. If I had even the slightest indication that he were still alive, if I had known anything at all, I would have never developed feelings for Jax.”
“You were able to control your feelings?”
“Well, no, but… I don’t know. It would have been different. I could have made different choices.”
“Kelsey, life rarely hands us easy choices, and almost never the choices we want. Most of them will be a challenge, and some will be so difficult and conflicting, they’ll shred you to pieces from the inside out before you figure out what you want, or what is best for those you care about.”
“So what do I do?”
“I can’t tell you that. You have to figure it out for yourself, and preferably before they kill each other.”
We stand in silence for almost a full minute before Charlie turns to the door.
“I’m going to check with Nole and Ryder, make sure everyone is calmed down. The Risers have a last spare suite upstairs in the dorms, 319. You can stay there as long as you need. I think the solitude will help you think a little better.” She floats through the door, shutting it behind her until the latch clicks.
It’s a long time before I move again, and only to find the room she spoke of to collapse into a bed.
Sleep doesn’t come as easily as it should, especially considering all I have been through the past week. Instead, I lay in the dark and stare at the stained ceiling, arms folded behind my head, deep in thought over Rey and Jax and who I should choose, or if I should choose neither.
With Jax, everything is new and exciting. It’s hopeful and holds no reminders of my life below the surface, only of the freedom I have found. He’s saved me. I’ve saved him. Somehow, deep inside our cores, we are the same person living in fear of being alone, of losing the ones we love more than we fear losing ourselves. Our personal demons make us one. We complete each other, like two halves of an apple.
But with Rey it is familiar and comfortable, like a favorite sweater. We’ve always been together and a part of me thought we always would be. I have a history with him, memories of happiness like when we were six and made a fort out of pillows and blankets and living room furniture and pretended it was our home. Or when we were ten and played games imagining we lived on the surface before the war.
Or when I first said I loved him.
I did love him. I do. But I love Jax too. I don’t understand how it’s possible to love two people so much and I can feel it filling my heart until it strains at the seams, threatening to burst if I do nothing about it. A ticking time bomb lurking inside my chest.
I have to choose, I know I do, but I don’t know how. Whichever one I pick, the other will be hurt which means I will hurt too. I can’t repair my heart by breaking someone else’s. I love them both. I need them both. I can’t live in a world where they aren’t both here beside me. It’s selfish and I hate myself for doing this to them because it isn’t fair. Jax and Rey, they deserve so much better.
CHAPTER NINE
My stomach twists around itself and I’m so anxious I might be sick as I stand in front of the door. I debate just leaving, no one has seen me yet, but a promise is a promise so I reach up and knock twice.
As I anticipated, Jax opens the door. If my appearance at all surprises him, he doesn’t show it, greeting me with a stone-cold expression reminiscent of the first time I ever saw him when he just wanted to shoot me. I wonder if he ever wishes he had.
His face has transformed into a purple mess of new bruises and swollen cuts from his fight with Rey. I can’t image Rey looks any better and I feel the persistent gnaw of guilt chew harder.
“I wanted to see if Nadia wants to have dinner with me since we didn’t eat together last night,” I say, my words rushing out all at once so it sounds less like English and more like random, garbled noise.
Jax doesn’t move, or even open his mouth and I’m about to repeat myself when Nadia comes bolting from the bedrooms, around the kitchen counter and straight for me. Tisis follows behind on silent paws, tongue lolling from her mouth and staying no more than a few paces behind the little girl.
“Hey, Nadia,” I say with a warm smile, crouching down so we’re eye level and taking both her hands in my own. “You up for that dinner date I promised you last night?”
“Yes!” she says enthusiastically. “And I can show you something new that Rey taught me!” She scoots around Jax, who has still not said a word, though he continues to stare at me like I’m some sort of intruder. I think about snapping at him with a cruel comment, but I don’t want to start an argument in front of Nadia. I’m not going to pretend he doesn’t have a right to be mad, but he doesn’t have to act like a total jerk about it.
Nadia scoops up a stack of crinkled, yellowed paper from the counter and a partially melted blue wax crayon and then scurries back to me.
“Can Tisis come to?”
Raising an eyebrow, I glance at Jax. He shrugs and turns away to return to the bedrooms. Nadia motions for the wolf, which trots into the hall after us as I swing the door shut, leaving Jax to sit alone in whatever foul mood he’s currently dealing with. If this is how he’s going to continue to behave, it will make my choice much easier.
“What’s for dinner?” Nadia asks as we make our way downstairs to my new apartment.
“Some pork and a vegetable soup. Someone helped me downstairs in the kitchens, though I didn’t do much cooking in ROC, so I can’t guarantee it will be the best meal you’ve ever had.”
“We didn’t really have meals in the O.Z,” Nadia replies. “We hardly had enough food for everyone to eat once a day.”
My gut wrenches. “What sector were you?”
“D.”
“Oh,” is all I can say. I’m sure she understands who I am and I can’t help but feel guilt at the knowledge I lived in luxury while she barely had enough to survive.
“Are you and Jax fighting?” Nadia asks as we enter my new room and she slides onto a wobbly stool at the tiny counter between the sink and ancient hot plate that doesn’t work anymore. Tisis lays on the floor at her feet as I uncover the food brought up from the communal kitchen on the first floor.
I dish out some hot soup and a serving of salted pork. Setting the meal in front of her, I fill a cup of water I pulled from the well this morning. “We aren’t fighting.”
“Rey says you are. At least that’s what he told me when I asked.”
My lips mash together as I debate how to explain the situation to a child. “Jax and I aren’t fighting, we just… want some time away from each other right now.”
“Want to see what Rey taught me?”
“Sure,” I say, grateful for a change of subject.
Placing the old paper on the counter, Nadia arranges them in order and I quickly realize it’s the alphabet through the letter “M”. Picking up the misshapen crayon, she writes in the following letters, “N-O-P” with an unsteady hand, before grinning upward at me with her crooked teeth and a strand of knotted hair partially covering her fac
e.
“I’m learning how to write!”
“Wow, Nadia, that’s amazing!” I exclaim, brushing the hair from her eyes. Glancing over the letters, I’m impressed. While I can read and type, I have no idea how to write. Due to space restrictions and the risk of fire, plus the rations, paper hadn’t existed in ROC decades, well before I was born. With all systems being electronic anyway, plus our barcodes holding any necessary personal information, there was never a need for anyone to learn to hold a pencil let alone how to write. “And you said Rey taught you this?”
She nods, head down, tongue protruding slightly as she concentrates on forming the next letter. Half paying attention, I take a few bites of my food. It’s warm and the pork is slightly overcooked, but overall I managed ok with some help.
I wonder where he learned, how he even found supplies. His mother never taught us, probably didn’t even know how herself. Yet one more thing about my best friend that I never knew. How many secrets has he kept from me? Have I ever really known him at all?
A loud pounding on the metal door of the suite startles me from my thoughts. Nadia’s head snaps up with alarm and Tisis growls deep in her throat, moving to stand between the door and the little girl, fur on her back raised.
“Kelsey!” a muffled voice shouts from the hall. Jumping up, I fling open the door to find Rey, out of breath, cheeks red and fear etched across his face. Bandages cover his broken nose, both eyes are black with bruises and three stitches line his left cheekbone.
“Are you ok?” he demands, reaching out to clasp both my arms.
“What? Why wouldn’t I be?”
Pushing past me, he does a frantic search of the suite. “Is anyone here with you?”
“Just Nadia,” I say, motioning to the child. “And the wolf. Rey, what’s wrong?”
“They’re gone,” he says between gasps for air as he faces me again. I notice the slight quiver in his hands as he lays his palms flat on the countertop and takes a deep inhale.
“Who’s gone?”
“The League prisoners.”
I inhale a sharp breath. “What? How? When?”
The Choice (The Gamble Series Book 2) Page 7