I nod and smile as well, patting his hand with my own. “Nothing.”
* * *
“Kelsey, you do understand what you’re proposing?” Nole asks, his dark eyes rimmed with heavy circles and fine lines creased along his forehead. We found him and Charlie in the front office of the complex, candles burned low and both of them appearing exhausted as they gazed over a small mountain of illegible notes and free-handed diagrams meant to help them plan the best course of action.
“Yes, but it’s really the only option we have."
"You know, this isn't actually what I thought you had planned," Rey says after remaining quiet the entire conversation. "But it might actually be better."
Nole leans forward, elbows resting on the table while he regards me carefully. "Kelsey, this is admirable, but-"
"But nothing. I'm the only one who can get close enough to Elijah and Sawyer to kill them."
“And you think you’re capable of such?” Nole asks, thick eyebrows raised in question. "Killing two men?"
My throat compresses. “I’ve killed people before.”
“In the heat of battle,” Nole says. “This is different. This is a planned, calculated murder. I’m not saying it won’t be justified, the world will be a better place without them, but you have to be one hundred percent certain that you’re ready for this. There’s no backing down or second guessing at the last minute.”
I think of the League woman I stabbed to death to escape the first time. Nole doesn’t know about that. It was planned murder as well. I did it for Nadia. And for Jax and Randolph too. I can do it now and maybe, someday, I can find a way to live with that decision.
“I have to be ready for this,” I say. “We all know the only way this insanity with the League will end is with either their death or mine.”
No one speaks. Even Rey, though I have no doubt a thousand objections charge through his mind.
“We have to admit she’s right,” Nole eventually says, meeting Charlie’s gaze. “You said nearly the same thing about Sawyer an hour ago.”
“I know,” says Charlie her voice strained, the first words she’s spoken since I presented my plan. She can’t even look at me, choosing instead to stand and stare out of one of the windows. She looks exhausted, as like she has aged a decade in the last few hours, her gaze vacant. “But that doesn’t make this the right choice. I don’t see how one person can kill two people, plus getting around whatever guards they’ll have protecting them, and still survive."
“Maybe I was never meant to survive,” I whisper. Now every eye darts toward me, looks of distress across their faces.
“Kelsey-“ Rey says with horror before I cut him off.
“Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe the only way this ends and the only way the people I care about are safe, is if all three of us are dead.”
And I mean it. Regardless of the outcome, my plan is the only one guaranteed to work because in the end, someone will die and this will be over.
“There has to be another way,” Charlie says, her face fallen and sorrowful as she glances to Nole for hope. “I am not taking her there alone and leaving her to suffer at the hands of Sawyer himself. Who knows what he’ll do. I cannot allow this to become a suicide mission.”
Nole sits deep in thought, arms folded over his chest and coal black eyes gleaming in the lantern light, though he appears miles away. He sits like this for nearly a full minute as we all watch him, waiting for a solution.
“Maybe there is. Charlie, come with me. Kelsey, get some rest and be prepared to leave tomorrow.”
“Wait, can’t I-“
“Nope,” he says, marching to the door and ushering Rey and I back into the hallway before gesturing for Charlie to follow him.
Whatever their plan, I will not be privy to the details. Not exactly my choice, but Nole’s mind is made up.
“I still think this is totally nuts,” Rey says as Nole and Charlie disappear into the depths of the building. “Even with whatever Nole’s idea is.”
Rey and I tromp back to Jax’s apartment to catch a few more hours of sleep. Or whoever’s apartment it now belongs to with four people and one wolf living there. Given the space constraints, it’s almost like being back in ROC.
“Like, this is more insane than you kidnapping Wyatt Walker at gun point and choosing death by radiation, and that was certifiably nuts,” he says. "Nuts, ok?"
“Your opinions have been noted and I’m still going,” I reply, jaw set in determination as I march up the stairs ahead of him.
“I have no doubt, but I wish you’d let me talk you out of it.”
“Going where?” a suspicious voice asks and I glance up the last flight to see Jax enter from the third floor hall. With disheveled hair and rumbled clothes, I’m guessing he just woke up and discovered Rey and me missing.
I never intended to keep my plan a secret from Jax, but I wanted to prepare how best to tell him. Now we both stand at opposite ends of the staircase while he quickly puts two-and-two together.
He rubs the bridge of his nose and groans.
“Please, please tell me you are not handing yourself to the League?” he demands, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. “Again. This is getting old.”
I immediately go on the defensive. “It’s not like last time. Nole and Charlie have a plan. We’re going to kill Elijah and Sawyer and end this.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“She’s going,” Rey says with forceful distaste, allowing the words to hang in the air like the poisonous gas of the ROC chambers.
Jax’s face morphs into a deep scowl. “Just how many times are you going to march into the League’s hands? Haven’t we already seen how this ends?”
“I’m going to do it as many times as it takes for the people I care about to be safe. They’re only doing this because of me. And this time will end differently because not only are they expecting me, but we’re going in on the offensive rather than the defensive.”
“And you’re ok with that?” Jax growls, jerking his heated gaze to Rey.
Rey shrugs and shakes his floppy blond hair. “No, I'm seriously pissed about it actually. But it’s Kelsey. I’m sure you know by now that she’s going to do whatever she thinks is best and no one can stop her.”
Then Rey stomps up the last few steps, brushes past Jax and vanishes into the hall leaving Jax and I to stare at each other in uncomfortable silence like two enemies on opposing lines of battle.
“It’s a good plan,” I finally say, though it sounds significantly less confident out loud than in my head. “I think. I mean, Nole and Charlie are smart. Whatever they're planning, I'm sure it'll work. And I won’t be alone.” I add hurriedly.
“You don’t even know the full plan?”
“Nole and Charlie and putting it together now. It’s Nole’s idea really. He said I didn’t need to know the details, but I trust him. I’m sure you trust him too.”
Jax appears unconvinced, his jaw grinding. Then he treks down the stairs toward me. It makes no sense, but I think he’s going to try to kiss me. Or maybe push me or yell or something. Instead he storms past and continues down the stairwell.
“Jax!”
He whips around and for a moment, the pain in his eyes so evident it cuts into my heart.
“As Rey just said,” Jax spits, “you do what you want and no one can stop you. Not even those your decisions will hurt most. Go. Stay. I don’t care anymore.”
Then he’s vanished around the bend in the stairwell, his footsteps banging down the final steps below before another door slams shut.
“I’m doing this to protect the people I care about most!” I scream, but he’s long gone. Furious and frustrated, I collapse onto the nearest step and drop my head into my hands.
I have to go. I have to. I will not let others die because of me. Besides, this is our chance, possibly our only chance to destroy the League for good. Doesn’t that outweigh my feelings? And Jax and Rey’s too? It’s not like my dea
th is guaranteed. Nole seemed convinced, or at least as much as anyone can be all things considered. There’s a chance I might survive yet again, if my luck hasn’t completely run out.
“Kelsey?” a tiny voice whispers. At first, I think it’s Nadia, but when I look up, Evy stands before me, nervously shifting from one barefoot to the other. She looks awful with red-rimmed eyes, a puffy face and limp, tangled hair. She twists her hands around each other and sniffles a couple times.
“Evy,” I say with surprise, having been too caught up in myself to hear her approach. Then my stomach sinks because I think she's going to yell or sob again and I'm in no mood to handle either. “Look, I don’t think-“
“No. I’m not… I’m not here to…” She takes a deep breath and then her next words flow out so quickly I have a hard time keeping up. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. Charlie just found me and told me what you've agreed to do and I… I’m thankful you’re going to save Randolph, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to you either. I acted like a jerk last night. You’re my friend and I care about you too, I just… I-“ and she begins to cry again, tears running down her already stained, swollen cheeks.
“Evy,” I say again, standing to put a supportive arm around her as she flops against me. “Everything is going to be ok. We’ll get your brother back. Damian too. And I'll be ok.” The words are meant to comfort me as much as Evy.
“I know,” she says with a sniffle. “I’m just so scared for everyone. Ugh, I can’t stop crying even though my eyes and head and face hurt so bad. I must look like a lunatic.” Wiping at her cheeks, she laughs a little. Which then makes me laugh and then for some reason we are both laughing so hard we have to sit, still clutching at each other as we sink to the steps, our bodies pressed together in the tight space between the wall and the railing.
“This is awful. Why are we even laughing?” she asks, catching her breath.
“I have no idea, but what else are we going to do right now?”
“I passed Jax on my way up. He looked really upset. I’m guessing he’s not as on board with this plan as Charlie and Nole?”
Pursing my lips, I turn my gaze to the floor and run a hand through the knots in my hair. “I don’t know what to do with Jax. He… I don’t know.”
“You like him right?”
“Yes.”
“The sun is coming up and you'll need to leave soon. You really should go talk to him. You know, just in case.”
I know she’s right. I should talk to him, if only to make sure I don’t march into the League’s grasp without having to worry about how I’ve left things between us.
“I don’t know where he went,” I say instead.
“He likes water,” Evy replies. “There’s a little river behind the last building past the fields, the one with only three walls. If you walk along the edge of the trees, you’ll find the path. I’d bet that’s where he went.”
Rising, I brush my palms against my jeans. “Thanks, Evy.”
“Yeah,” she says as I turn to head down the stairs.
“Hey, Kelsey? Be careful today, ok? I want Randolph to come home, but I want you to come home too.”
Home. That’s what this has become. I’ve been here a month and it already feels more like a home, like my home, than ROC ever did. I smile. “Of course I will. With that goofy looking brother of yours in tow."
CHAPTER TWELVE
Exiting the building, I see the first hints of sunlight on the grey horizon, a haze of fresh humidity floating before it. A breeze brushes through the waist-high grass, causing the tips of it to tickle my fingertips. In inhale deeply, loving the smell of fresh air and pine trees. Birds chip from the trees and the last of the crickets are settling down for a new day.
Following Evy’s directions, I round the last building in the complex, duck through an opening in the trees, follow the path for a minute or so and there he is, sitting alone on a large mossy hunk of cement staring at a narrow, trickling river that flows through the trees. It bubbles and gurgles, spilling over small rocks on its journey.
As I approach, Jax turns at the sound of my footsteps and for a second I’m worried he’ll be mad, or whatever he’s been since Rey came back.
He says nothing though, turning his attention back to the water and ignoring me as I stand awkwardly beside the cement boulder, shuffling my feet in the damp dirt and dewy grass.
“Hey,” I finally say because I can’t handle the tension anymore.
“Hi,” he says, but doesn’t look at me, paving the way for more heavy silence that crushes down on my shoulders.
“I’m sorry you’re upset about me going today, but it needs to be done.”
“That’s not really why I’m upset.”
“Then why?”
He offers one of his noncommittal shrugs that means absolutely nothing to me other than Jax not wanting to display any actual feelings or emotions. God forbid he admit he’s human.
“Is this really how you want it to be now?” I ask angrily. “Barely speaking to each other?”
He shrugs again, still observing the water. I wonder if he feels like he’s back at his spot overlooking the massive lake near the compound. I find myself missing it and wonder if he does too. After all, it had been his sole place of reflective solitude. Now he’s lost that too.
Thinking of the beautiful turquoise water, I’m reminded once again how his eyes and his lake are the same color and yet nothing alike at all. The water in the lake always flowed calm and peaceful and serene, but Jax’s eyes hide a turmoil and fear that runs so deep, I’m not even sure he is aware. How can two things that look almost identical on first glance, be so very different beneath the surface?
“I thought you might need space to sort things out,” he says. “Figure out what you want when it comes to Rey and me. I don’t suppose, given what might happen later today, that you’ve decided to pick one of us and that’s why you’ve come here to bother me?”
A whoosh of air rushes out of my lungs like a deflating balloon. His words hurt, but they are true. “No, that’s not why I came. I wanted us to at least be ok before I left, just in the chance things don’t go well.”
“Does it matter?”
“So this is how it’s going to be between us?” I demand in frustration, kicking at the ground when I really just want to push him off the cement slab and into the water. “We can’t even be friends?”
Now he looks at me, his face sharp and serious. “I told you I wanted to be more than friends.”
“So that’s it then? It’s all or nothing with you?”
“It’s not like you know what you want it to be!”
“That’s not fair. Why do you have to be such a jerk just because I’m confused? Why can’t we at least be friends and just see what happens?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Well, it doesn’t need to be this complicated either!”
“I love you!” he shouts, his perfect features a twisted mask of pain and disbelief, as if he can’t fathom how I don’t see how much he loves me. The thing is, I do see. I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me, I just haven’t been brave enough to acknowledge it.
Seeing how much I’ve hurt him only makes me hurt worse, a gunshot through my heart. I’ve known he loves me. He hasn’t actually said it before, but that much has been undeniably obvious and now, the first time he’s said it has been from anger and agony, both of which I've caused.
His features soften, regaining their composure, as though he’d never lost it in the first place, the stoic lake surface returning once more to hide the turmoil beneath.
“I love you, Kelsey. I tried to tell you that night under the fireworks, but then Rey came back and everything changed and it wasn’t the right time anymore. I want you to be happy, preferably with me, but if you choose Rey that’s fine as long as it’s what you want. But I can’t sit in this limbo of what-ifs and maybes, daring to hope that you might choose me. Especially knowing that you might…
that after tonight there’s a possibility I never see you again.”
It’s a long time before either of us speaks. Knees bent, arms circling his legs, Jax has returned to watching the water, though I don’t think he actually sees it. I scuff my boots in the mud trying to make sense of thoughts and emotions that hold none.
“I’m climbing up on that rock Jax, and I’m going to sit beside you.” I don’t know why I feel a need to announce it. Maybe I’m worried if I don’t warn him first, he’ll shove me back off.
“Do whatever you want.”
Hesitantly, I pull myself onto the damp moss until I sit less than two inches from him, though the space feels like miles. I wonder, regardless of whatever choice I make, if we will ever be able to eliminate that distance again. I've driven a wedge between us and time has morphed it into a canyon and I might never be able to fix the damage I've done.
“Jax,” I say carefully, as if I am talking to a wild animal that might attack. “I… I care about you. I do. You mean the world to me and if Rey hadn’t come back, it would be us together. But he did, and he means everything to me too. I care about both of you more than I care about myself, that’s why this is so hard. I just… I need time, even if I maybe don’t have any. I’m sorry. I really am. I wish I could give you more than that, I just can’t right now.”
Shifting so he faces me, Jax’s eyes meet mine for the first time in days. My heart beats too fast and my breath quickens as he stares into my face. “Do you love me?”
I hang my head. “Jax-“
“Please, Kelsey. I need to know. I know you love Rey, I can accept that, but do you love me too?”
Suddenly I want to look anywhere but at Jax, averting my gaze until it darts over the rock, over the ground, over the water. Yet in the end, I turn back to him, unable to fight the urge to see his beautiful features; the sharp angle of his jaw, the graceful curve of his lips. Those eyes.
“I do,” I say softly, my insides melting with affection. “I love you too.”
I can feel the callouses and scars covering both his hands as he places them on my cheeks. Then he leans forward and kisses me and we fold into each other. My face flushes as I draw in a deep breath because even though it’s only been a matter of days since we last kissed, it somehow feels like months have passed instead.
The Choice (The Gamble Series Book 2) Page 9