by Plautus
MERCURY
What, again? Offering to strike him.
SOSIA
I have concluded the peace, ratified the treaty — I speak the truth.
MERCURY
Take that, then. Hie strikes him.
SOSIA
As you please, and what you please, pray do, since you are the stronger with your fists. But whatever you shall do, still, upon my faith, I really shall not be silent about that.
MERCURY
So long as you live, you shall never make me to be any other than Sosia at this moment.
SOSIA
I’ faith, you certainly shall never make me to be any other person than my own self; and besides myself we have no other servant of the name of Sosia — myself, who went hence on the expedition together with Amphitryon.
MERCURY
This fellow is not in his senses.
SOSIA
The malady that you impute to me, you have that same yourself. How, the plague, am I not Sosia, the servant of Amphitryon? Has not our ship, which brought me, arrived here this night from the Persian port? Has not my master sent me here? Am I not now standing before our house? Have I not a lantern in my hand? Am I not talking? Am I not wide awake? Has not this fellow been thumping me with his fists? By my troth, he has been doing so; for even now, to my pain, my cheeks are tingling. Why, then, do I hesitate? Or why don’t I go in-doors into our house? He makes towards the door.
MERCURY
stepping between . How — your house?
SOSIA
Indeed it really is so.
MERCURY
Why, all that you have been saying just now, you have trumped up; I surely am Amphitryon’s Sosia. For in the night this ship of ours weighed anchor from the Persian port, and where king Pterelas reigned, the city we took by storm, and the legions of the Teleboans in fighting we took by arms, and Amphitryon himself cut off the head of king Pterelas in battle.
SOSIA
aside . I do not trust my own self, when I hear him affirm these things; certainly, he really does relate exactly the things that were done there. Aloud. But how say you? What spoil from the Teleboans was made a present to Amphitryon?
MERCURY
A golden goblet, from which king Pterelas used to drink.
SOSIA
aside . He has said the truth. Where now is this goblet?
MERCURY
’Tis in a casket, sealed with the seal of Amphitryon.
SOSIA
Tell me, what is the seal?
MERCURY
The Sun rising with his chariot. Why are you on the catch for me, you villain?
SOSIA
aside . He has overpowered me with his proofs. I must look out for another name. I don’t know from whence he witnessed these things. I’ll now entrap him finely; for what I did alone by myself, and when not another person was present in the tent, that, he certainly will never be able this day to tell me. Aloud. If you are Sosia, when the armies were fighting most vigorously, what were you doing in the tent? If you tell me that, I’m vanquished.
MERCURY
There was a cask of wine; from it I filled an earthen pot.
SOSIA
aside . He has got upon the track.
MERC.
That I drew full of pure wine, just as it was born from the mother grape.
SOSIA
aside . It’s a wonder if this fellow wasn’t lying hid inside of that earthen pot. It is the fact, that there I did drink an earthen pot full of wine.
MERCURY
Well — do I now convince you by my proofs that you are not Sosia?
SOSIA
Do you deny that I am?
MERCURY
Why should I not deny it, who am he myself?
SOSIA
By Jupiter I swear that I am he, and that I do not say false.
MERCURY
But by Mercury, I swear that Jupiter does not believe you; for I am sure that he will rather credit me without an oath than you with an oath.
SOSIA
Who am I, at all events, if I am not Sosia? I ask you that.
MERCURY
When I choose not to be Sosia, then do you be Sosia; now, since I am he, you’ll get a thrashing, if you are not off hence, you fellow without a name.
SOSIA
aside . Upon my faith, for sure, when I examine him and recollect my own figure, just in such manner as I am (I’ve often looked in a glass): , he is exactly like me. He has the broad-brimmed hat and clothing just the same; he is as like me as I am myself. His leg, foot, stature, shorn head, eyes, nose, even his lips, cheeks, chin, beard, neck — the whole of him. What need is there of words? If his back is marked with scars, than this likeness there is nothing more like. But when I reflect, really, I surely am the same person that I always was. My master I know, I know our I house; I am quite in my wits and senses. I’m not going to I obey this fellow in what he says; I’ll knock at the door. Goes towards the door.
MERCURY
Whither are you betaking yourself?
SOSIA
Home.
MERCURY
If now you were to ascend the chariot of Jove and fly away from here, then you could hardly be able to escape destruction.
SOSIA
Mayn’t I be allowed to deliver the message to my mistress that my master ordered me to give?
MERCURY
If you want to deliver any message to your own mistress; this mistress of mine I shall not allow you to approach. But if you provoke me, you’ll be just now taking hence your loins broken.
SOSIA
In preference, I’ll be off. Aside. Immortal Gods, I do beseech your mercy. Where did I lose myself? Where have I been transformed? Where have I parted with my figure? Or have I left myself behind there, if perchance I have forgotten it? For really this person has possession of all my figure, such as it formerly was. While living, that is done for me, which no one will ever do for me when dead. I’ll go to the harbour, and I’ll tell my master these things as they have happened — unless even he as well shall not know me, which may Jupiter grant, so that this day, bald, with shaven crown, I may assume the cap of freedom. (Exit.)
MERCURY, alone
MERCURY
Well and prosperously has this affair gone on for me; from the door have I removed the greatest obstacle, so that it may be allowed my father to embrace her in security. When now he shall have reached his master, Amphitryon there, he will say that the servant Sosia has repulsed himself from the door here; and then the other will suppose that he is telling him a lie, and will not believe that he has come here as he had ordered him. Both of them and the whole household of Amphitryon I will fill with mistakes and distraction, even until my father shall have had full enjoyment of her whom he loves; then at last all shall know what has been done. In the end Jupiter shall restore Alcmena to the former affection of her husband. For Amphitryon will just now be beginning a quarrel with his wife, and will be accusing her of incontinence; then will my father change for her this strife into tranquillity. Now, inasmuch as yet I’ve said but little about Alcmena, this day will she bring forth two sons, twins; the one will be born in the tenth month after he was begotten, the other in the seventh month; of these the one is the son of Amphitryon, the other of Jupiter. But of the younger son the father is the superior, of the elder the inferior. To the AUDIENCE. Now do you comprehend this how it is? But for the sake of the honor of this Alcmena, my father will take care that it shall happen at one birth, so that in one travail she may complete her double pangs, and not be laid under suspicion of unchastity, and that the clandestine connexion may remain concealed. Although, as I have said just now, Amphitryon shall still know all the matter in the end. What then? No one surely will impute it to Alcmena as a disgrace; for it does not seem that a God is acting justly to permit his own offences and his own faultiness to fall upon a mortal. I’ll cut short my talk: the door makes a noise. See, the counterfeit Amphitryon is coming out of doors, and toge
ther with him Alcmena, the wife that he has taken the loan of.
Enter JUPITER and ALCMENA, from the house.
JUPITER
Kindly fare you well, Alcmena; take care, as you are doing, of our common interest, and pray be sparing of yourself; you see that now your months are completed. It’s necessary for me to go away from here; but the offspring that shall be born do you bring up.
ALCMENA
What business is this, my husband, since you thus suddenly leave your home?
JUPITER
By my troth, ’tis not that I am wearied of you or of my home; but when the chief commander is not with the army, that is sooner done which ought not to be done than that which needs to be done.
MERCURY
aside . This is a very clever counterfeit, who really is my own father. To the AUDIENCE. Do you observe him, how blandly he smoothes the lady over.
ALCMENA
I’ faith, I find by experience how much you value your wife.
JUPITER
If there is no one among women whom I love so much, are you satisfied?
MERCURY
aside . Verily, upon my faith, if Juno only knew that you were giving your attention to such matters, I’d warrant that you’d rather be Amphitryon than Jupiter.
ALCMENA
I would rather that I should find it so by experience, than that it should be told me. You leave me before the spot in the bed where.you have been lying has well grown warm. Yesterday, in the middle of the night, you came, and now you are going away. Is this your pleasure?
MERCURY
aside . I’ll approach, and address her, and play second fiddle to my father. He approaches ALCMENA. Never, upon my faith, do I believe that any mortal did so. distractedly love his wife as he distractedly dotes upon you.
JUPITER
Scoundrel! — don’t I know you of old? Won’t you be off out of my sight? What business have you in this matter, whip-knave? or why your muttering? Whom this very instant, with this walking-stick, I’ll —— Shakes his stick over his head.
ALCMENA
Oh don’t.
JUPITER
Only make a whisper.
MERCURY
aside . My first attempt at playing second fiddle had almost come to an unfortunate conclusion.
JUPITER
But as to what you say, my wife, you ought not to be angry with me. I came away privately from the army: these moments I stole for you, that you the first might know from me the first, how I had managed the common interests. All this have I related to you. If I had not loved you very much, I should not have done so.
MERCURY
aside . Isn’t he doing just as I said? In her alarm, he is smoothing her down.
JUPITER
That the army then mayn’t find it out, I must return there privately, lest they should say that I have preferred my wife before the common interests.
ALCMENA
By your departure you set your wife in tears.
JUPITER
Be quiet; don’t spoil your eyes: I’ll return very shortly.
ALCMENA
That “very shortly” is a long time.
JUPITER
I do not with pleasure leave you here, or go away from you.
ALCMENA
I am sensible of it; for, the night that you have come to me, on the same you go away. (She embraces him.)
JUPITER
Why do you hold me? It is time to go: I wish to depart from the city before it dawns. Now, Alcmena, this goblet which has been given me there on account of my valour, from which king Pterelas used to drink, he whom I slew with my own hand, the same I present to you. Presents to her the goblet.
ALCMENA
taking the goblet . You do as you are wont in other things. By heavens, it is a noble gift; like him who gave the gift.
MERCURY
Aye, a noble gift; just like her to whom it has been given as a gift.
JUPITER
What, still going on? Can’t I, you scoundrel, make an end of you?
ALCMENA
Amphitryon, there’s a dear, don’t be angry with Sosia on my account.
JUPITER
Just as you wish I’ll do.
MERCURY
aside . From his intriguing, how very savage he does become!
JUPITER
Do you wish for anything else?
ALCMENA
That when I am absent you will love me — me, who am yours, though absent.
MERCURY
Let’s go, Amphitryon; it’s already dawning.
JUPITER
Go you first, Sosia. Exit MERCURY. I’ll follow this instant. To ALCMENA. Is there anything you wish?
ALCMENA
Yes; that you’ll come back speedily.
JUPITER
I will; and sooner than you expect will I be here therefore be of good heart. ALCMENA goes into the house. Now Night, thou who hast tarried for me, I permit these to give place to Day, that thou mayst shine upon mortals with a bright and brilliant light. And Night, as much as on this last thou wast too long, so much the shorter will I make the Day to be, that a Day of equal disparity may succeed the Night. I’ll go and follow Mercury. (Exit.)
ACT II.
Enter AMPHITRYON and SOSIA, at the end of the stage.
AMPH.
Come, do you follow after me.
SOSIA
I’m following; I’m following close after you.
AMPH.
I think that you are the veriest rogue ——
SOSIA
But for what reason?
AMPH.
Because that which neither is, nor ever was, nor will be, you declare to me.
SOSIA
Look at that; you are now acting according to your usual fashion, to be putting no trust in your servants.
AMPH.
Why is it so? For what reason? Surely now, by the powers, I’ll cut out that villanous tongue of yours, you villain.
SOSIA
I am yours; do each thing just as it is agreable and as it pleases you. Still you never can, by any method, hinder me from saying these things just as they took place here.
AMPH.
You consummate villain, do you dare tell me this, that you are now at home, who are here present?
SOSIA
I speak the truth.
AMPH.
A mishap shall the Gods send upon you, and I this day will send it as well.
SOSIA
That’s in your power, for I am your property.
AMPH.
Do you dare, you whip-scoundrel, to play your tricks with me, your master? Do you dare affirm that which no person ever yet before this has seen, and which cannot possibly happen, for the same man to be in two places together at the same time?
SOSIA
Undoubtedly, such as I say is the fact.
AMPH.
May Jupiter confound you!
SOSIA
What evil, master, have I been deemed deserving of in your service?
AMPH.
Do you ask me, you rogue, who are even making sport of me?
SOSIA
With reason might you curse me, if it had not so happened. But I tell no lie, and I speak as the thing really did happen.
AMPH.
This fellow’s drunk, as I imagine.
SOSIA
What, I?
AMPH.
Yes — you there.
SOSIA
I wish I were so.
AMPH.
You are wishing for that which is fact; where have you been drinking?
SOSIA
Nowhere, indeed.
AMPH.
What is this, that is the matter with the fellow?
SOSIA
Really I have told you ten times over. I am both at home now, I say (do you mark me?), and I, Sosia, am with you likewise. Don’t I appear, master, to have told you quite distinctly, and quite circumstantially, that this is so.
AMPH.
Avaunt, get away with you from me.
SOSIA
What’s the matter?
AMPH.
A pestilence possesses you.
SOSIA
But why do you say so to me? I really am quite well and in perfect health, Amphitryon.
AMPH.
But I’ll make you this very day, just as you have deserved, not to be quite so well, and to be miserable instead of your perfect health, if I return home. Follow me, you who in this fashion are making sport of your master with your crack-brained talk; you, who, since you have neglected to perform what your master ordered, are now come even of your own accord to laugh at your master. Things which neither can happen, and which no one ever yet heard of in talk, you are telling of, you villain; on your back I’ll take care and make those lies to tell this very day.
SOSIA
Amphitryon, this is the most wretched of wretchedness to a good servant, who is telling the truth to his master, if that same truth is overpowered by violence.
AMPH.
Discuss it with me by proofs. Why, how the plague can such a thing happen, for you now to be both here and at home? That I want to be told.
SOSIA
I really am both here and there; this any person has a right to wonder at; nor, Amphitryon, does this seem more. strange to you than to myself.
AMPH.
In what way?
SOSIA
In no degree, I say, is this more strange to you than to myself; nor, so may the Deities love me, did I at first credit Sosia — me myself, until that Sosia, I myself, made me to believe me myself. In order did he relate everything, as each thing came to pass, when we sojourned with the enemy; and then besides, he has carried off my figure together with my name. Not even is milk more like to milk than is that I myself like to me myself. For when some time since, before daybreak, you sent me from the harbour home before you ——
AMPH.
What then?
SOSIA
I had been standing a long time at the door before I had got there.
AMPH.
Plague on it, what nonsense! Are you quite in your senses?
SOSIA
I’m just as you see me.
AMPH.
Some mischief, I know not what, has befallen this fellow from an evil hand since he left me.
SOSIA
I confess it; for I have been most shockingly bruised with his fists.
AMPH.