by Plautus
MERCURY appears on the top of the house, with a chaplet on his head, pretending to be drunk.
MERCURY
Who’s that at the door?
AMPH.
’Tis I.
MERCURY
Who’s “’tis I?”
AMPH.
’Tis I that say so.
MERCURY
For sure, Jupiter and all the Deities are angered with you who are banging at the door this way.
AMPH.
In what manner?
MERCURY
In this manner, that without a doubt you must be spending a wretched life.
AMPH.
Sosia.
MERCURY
Well; I’m Sosia, unless you think that I’ve forgotten myself. What do you want now?
AMPH.
What, you rascal, and do you even ask me that, what it is I want?
MERCURY
I do so ask you; you blockhead, you’ve almost broken the hinges from off the door. Did you fancy that doors were supplied us at the public charge? Why are you looking up at me, you stupid? What do you want now for yourself, or what fellow are you?
AMPH.
You whip-scoundrel, do you even ask me who I am, you hell of elm-saplings? I’ faith, this day I’ll make you burn with smarts of the scourge for these speeches of yours.
MERCURY
You surely must have formerly been a spendthrift in your young days.
AMPH.
How so?
MERCURY
Because in your old age you come begging a hap-ill of me for yourself.
AMPH.
Slave! for your own torture do you give vent to these expressions this day.
MERCURY
Now I’m performing a sacrifice to you.
AMPH.
How?
MERCURY
Why, because I devote you to ill-luck with this libation. Throws water on him. ...
AMPH.
What, you, devote me, you villain? If the Gods have not this day taken away my usual form, I’ll take care that you shall be laden with bull’s hide thongs, you victim of Saturn. So surely will I devote you to the cross and to torture. Come out of doors, you whip-knave.
MERCURY
You shadowy ghost — you, frighten me with your threats? If you don’t betake yourself off from here this instant, if you knock once more, if the door makes a noise with your little finger even, I’ll break your head with this tile, so that with your teeth you may sputter out your tongue.
AMPH.
What, rascal, would you be for driving me away from my own house? What, would you hinder me from knocking at my own door? I’ll this instant tear it from off all its hinges.
MERCURY
Do you persist?
AMPH.
I do persist.
MERCURY
Take that, then. Throws a tile at him.
AMPH.
Scoundrel! at your master? If I lay hands upon you this day, I’ll bring you to that pitch of misery, that you shall be miserable for evermore.
MERCURY
Surely, you must have been playing the Bacchanal, old gentleman.
AMPH.
Why so?
MERCURY
Inasmuch as you take me to be your slave.
AMPH.
What? I — take you?
MERCURY
Plague upon you! I know no master but Amphitryon.
AMPH.
to himself . Have I lost my form? It’s strange that Sosia shouldn’t know me. I’ll make trial. Calling out . How now! Tell me who I appear to be? Am I not really Amphitryon?
MERCURY
Amphitryon? Are you in your senses? Has it not been told you before, old fellow, that you have been playing the Bacchanal, to be asking another person who you are? Get away, I recommend you, don’t be troublesome while Amphitryon, who has just come back from the enemy, is indulging himself with the company of his wife.
AMPH.
What wife?
MERCURY
Alcmena.
AMPH.
What man?
MERCURY
How often do you want it told? Amphitryon, my master; — don’t be troublesome.
AMPH.
Who’s he sleeping with?
MERCURY
Take care that you don’t meet with some mishap in trifling with me this way.
AMPH.
Prithee, do tell me, my dear Sosia.
MERCURY
More civilly said — with Alcmena.
AMPH.
In the same chamber?
MERCURY
Yes, as I fancy, he is sleeping with her side by side.
AMPH.
Alas! — wretch that I am!
MERCURY
to the AUDIENCE . It really is a gain which he imagines to be a misfortune. For to lend one’s wife to another is just as though you were to let out barren land to be ploughed.
AMPH.
Sosia!
MERCURY
What, the plague, about Sosia?
AMPH.
Don’t you know me, you whip-scoundrel?
MERCURY
I know that you are a troublesome fellow, who have no need to go buy a lawsuit.
AMPH.
Still once more — am I not your master Amphitryon?
MERCURY
You are Bacchus himself, and not Amphitryon. How often do you want to be told? Any times more? My master Amphitryon, in the same chamber, is holding Alcmena in his embraces. If you persist, I’ll produce him here, and not without your great discomfiture.
AMPH.
I wish him to be fetched. Aside. I pray that this day, in return for my services, I may not lose house, wife, and household, together with my figure.
MERCURY
Well, I’ll fetch him; but, in the meantime, do you mind about the door, please. Aside. I suppose that by this he has brought the sacrifice that he was intending, as far as the banquet. Aloud. If you are troublesome, you shan’t escape without my making a sacrifice of you. He retires into the house.
AMPH.
Ye Gods, by my trust in you, what madness is distracting my household? What wondrous things have I seen since I arrived from abroad! Why, it’s true, surely, what was once heard tell of, how that men of Attica were transformed in Arcadia, and remained as savage wild beasts, and were not ever afterwards known unto their parents.
Enter BLEPHARO and SOSIA, at a distance.
BLEPHARO
What’s this, Sosia? Great marvels are these that you are telling of. Do you say that you found another Sosia at home exactly like yourself?
SOSIA
I do say so — but, hark you, since I have produced a Sosia, Amphitryon an Amphitryon, how do you know whether you, perchance, may not be producing another Blepharo? O that the Gods would grant that you as well, belaboured with fists, and with your teeth knocked out, going without your breakfast, might credit this. ForI, that other Sosia, that is to say, who am yonder, has mauled me in a dreadful manner.
BLEPHARO
Really, it is wonderful; but it’s as well to mend our pace; for, as I perceive, Amphitryon is waiting for us, and my empty stomach is grumbling.
AMPH.
apart . —— And why do I mention foreign legends? More wondrous things they relate to have happened among our Theban race in former days; that mighty searcher for Europa, attacking the monster sprung from Mars, suddenly produced his enemies from the serpent-seed; and in that battle fought, brother pressed on brother with lance and helm; the Epirote land, too, beheld the author of our race, together with the daughter of Venus, gliding as serpents. From on high supreme Jove thus willed it; thus destiny directs. All the noblest of our country, in return for their bright achievements, are pursued with direful woes. This fatality is pressing hard on me — still I could endure disasters so great, and submit to woes hardly to be endured ——
SOSIA
Blepharo.
BLEPHARO
What’s the matter?
SOSIA
I don’t know; I suspect something wrong.
BLEPHARO
Why?
SOSIA
Look, please, our master, like an humble courtier, is walking before the door bolted fast.
BLEPHARO
It’s nothing; walking to and fro, he’s looking for an appetite.
SOSIA
After a singular fashion, indeed; for he has shut the door, that it mayn’t escape out of the house.
BLEPHARO
You do go yelping on.
SOSIA
I go neither yelping on nor barking on; if you listen to me, observe him. I don’t know why he’s by himself alone; he’s making some calculation, I suppose. I can hear from this spot what he says — don’t be in a hurry.
AMPH.
apart . How much I fear lest the Gods should blot out the glory I have acquired in the conquest of the foe. In wondrous manner do I see the whole of my household in commotion. And then my wife, so full of viciousness, incontinence, and dishonor, kills me outright. But about the goblet, it is a singular thing; yet the seal was properly affixed. And what besides? She recounted to me the battles I had fought; Pterelas, too, besieged and bravely slain by my own hand, Aye, aye — now I know the trick; this was done by Sosia’s contrivance, who as well has disgracefully presumed to-day to get before me on my arrival.
SOSIA
to BLEPHARO . He’s talking about me, and in terms that I had rather not. Prithee, don’t let’s accost this man until he has disclosed his wrath.
BLEPHARO
Just as you please.
AMPH.
apart . If it is granted me this day to lay hold of that whip-scoundrel, I’ll show him what it is to deceive his master, and to assail me with threats and tricks.
SOSIA
Do you hear him?
BLEPHARO
I hear him.
SOSIA
That implement pointing to AMPHITRYON’S walkingstick is a burden for my shoulder-blades. Let’s accost the man, if you please. Do you know what is in the habit of being commonly said?
BLEPHARO
What you are going to say, I don’t know; what you’ll have to endure I pretty well guess.
SOSIA
It’s an old adage— “Hunger and delay summon anger to the nostrils.”
BLEPHARO
Aye, and well suited to the occasion. Let’s address him directly — Amphitryon!
AMPH.
looking round . Is it Blepharo I hear? It’s strange why he’s come to me. Still, he presents himself opportunely, for me to prove the guilty conduct of my wife. Why have you come here to me, Blepharo?
BLEPHARO
Have you so soon forgotten how early in the morning you sent Sosia to the ship, that I might take a repast with you to-day?
AMPH.
Never in this world was it done. But where is that scoundrel?
BELPH.
Who?
AMPH.
Sosia.
BLEPHARO
See, there he is. Points at him.
AMPH.
looking about . Where? BLEPH. Before your eyes; don’t you see him?
AMPH.
I can hardly see for anger, so distracted has that fellow made me this day. You shall never escape my making a sacrifice of you. Offers to strike SOSIA, on which BLEPHARO prevents him. Do let me, Blepharo.
BLEPHARO
Listen, I pray.
AMPH.
Say on, I’m listening — gives a blow to SOSIA you take that.
SOSIA
For what reason? Am I not in good time? I couldn’t have gone quicker, if I had betaken myself on the oar-like wings of Dædalus. AMPHITRYON tries to strike him again.
BLEPHARO
Prithee, do leave him alone; we couldn’t quicken our pace any further.
AMPH.
Whether it was the pace of a man on stilts or that of the tortoise, I’m determined to be the death of this villain. Striking him at each sentence. Take that for the roof; that for the tiles; that for closing the door; that for making fun of your master; that for your abusive language.
BLEPHARO
What injury has he been doing to you?
AMPH.
Do you ask? Shut out of doors, from that housetop pointing to it he has driven me away from my house.
SOSIA
What, I?
AMPH.
What did you threaten that you would do if I knocked at that door? Do you deny it, you scoundrel?
SOSIA
Why shouldn’t I deny it? See, he’s sufficiently a witness with whom I have just now come; I was sent on purpose that by your invitation I might bring him to your house.
AMPH.
Who sent you, villain?
SOSIA
He who asks me the question.
AMPH.
When, of all things?
SOSIA
Some little time since-not long since — just now. When you were reconciled at home to your wife.
AMPH.
Bacchus must have demented you.
SOSIA
May I not be paying my respects to Bacchus this day, nor yet to Ceres. You ordered the vessels to be made clean, that you might perform a sacrifice, and you sent me to fetch him pointing to BLEPHARO , that he might breakfast with you.
AMPH.
Blepharo, may I perish outright if I have either been in the house, or if I have sent him. To SOSIA. Tell me — where did you leave me?
SOSIA
At home, with your wife Alcmena. Leaving you, I flew towards the harbour, and invited him in your name. We are come, and I’ve not seen you since till now.
AMPH.
Villanous fellow! With my wife, say you? You shall never go away without getting a beating. Gives him a blow.
SOSIA
crying out . Blepharo! BLEPH. Amphitryon, do let him alone, for my sake, and listen to me.
AMPH.
Well then, I’ll let him alone. What do you want? Say on.
BLEPHARO
He has just now been telling me most extraordi nary marvels. A juggler, or a sorcerer, perhaps, has enchanted all this household of yours. Do enquire in other quarters, and examine how it is. And don’t cause this poor fellow to be tortured, before you understand the matter.
AMPH.
You give good advice; let’s go in, I want you also to be my advocate against my wife. Knocks at the door.
Enter JUPITER, from the house.
JUPITER
Who with such weighty blows has been shaking this door on all the hinges? Who has been making such a great disturbance for this long while before the house? If I find him out, I’ll sacrifice him to the shades of the Teleboans. There’s nothing, as the common saying is, that goes on well with me to-day. I left Blepharo and Sosia that I might find my kinsman Naucrates; him I have not found, and them I have lost. But I espy them; I’ll go meet them, to enquire if they have any news.
SOSIA
Blepharo, that’s our master that’s coming out of the house; but this man’s the sorcerer.
BLEPHARO
O Jupiter! What do I behold? This is not, but that is, Amphitryon; if this is, why really that cannot be he, unless, indeed, he is double.
JUPITER
See now, here’s Sosia with Blepharo; I’ll accost them the first. Well, Sosia, come to us at last? I’m quite hungry.
SOSIA
Didn’t I tell you, Blepharo, that this one was the sorcerer?
AMPH.
Nay, Theban citizens, I say that this is he pointing to JUPITER who in my house has made my wife guilty of incontinence, through whom I find a store of unchastity laid up for me.
SOSIA
to JUPITER Master, if now you are hungry, crammed full of fisticuffs, I betake me to you.
AMPH.
Do you persist, whip-scoundrel?
SOSIA
Hie thee to Acheron, sorcerer.
AMPH.<
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What, I a sorcerer? Strikes him. Take that.
JUPITER
What madness possesses you, stranger, for you to be beating my servant?
AMPH.
Your servant?
JUPITER
Mine.
AMPH.
You lie.
JUPITER
Sosia, go in-doors, and take care the breakfast is got ready while I’m sacrificing this fellow.
SOSIA
I’ll go. Aside. Amphitryon, I suppose, will receive the other Amphitryon as courteously as I, that other Sosia, did me, Sosia, a while ago. Meantime, while they are contending, I’ll turn aside into the victualling department: I’ll clean out all the dishes, and all the vessels I’ll drain. Goes into the house.
JUPITER, AMPHITRYON, and BLEPHARO.
JUPITER
Do you say that I lie?
AMPH.
You lie, I say, you corrupter of my family.
JUPITER
For that disgraceful speech, I’ll drag you along here, seizing you by the throat. Seizes him by the throat.
AMPH.
Ah wretched me!
JUPITER
But you should have had a care of this beforehand.
AMPH.
Blepharo, aid me!
BLEPHARO
aside . The two are so exactly alike that I don’t know which to side with. Still, so far as possible, I’ll put an end to their contention. Aloud. Amphitryon, don’t slay Amphitryon in fight; let go his throat, I pray.
JUPITER
Are you calling this fellow Amphitryon?
BLEPHARO
Why not? Formerly he was but one, but now he has become double. While you are wanting to be he, the other, too, doesn’t cease to be of his form. Meanwhile, prithee, do leave go of his neck.
JUPITER
I will leave go. Lets go of AMPHITRYON. But tell me, does that fellow appear to you to be Amphitryon?
BLEPR.
Really, both of you do.
AMPH.
O supreme Jupiter! when this day didst thou take from me my form? I’ll proceed to make enquiry of him; are you Amphitryon?
JUPITER
Do you deny it?
AMPH.
Downright do I deny it, inasmuch as in Thebes there is no other Amphitryon besides myself.
JUPITER