by Plautus
Enter LEONIDA, running.
LEONIDA
to himself . Where now shall I find Libanus, or my master’s son, that I may make them more mirthful than is Mirth herself? Great booty and a triumph do I bring them on my arrival. Inasmuch as together with me they drink, together with me they are wont to wench, why, this booty that I’ve got, together with them will I share it.
LIBANUS
apart . This fellow has been robbing a house, if he has been acting after his usual manner. Woe to the person that has so carelessly kept the door!
LEONIDA
to himself . I could be ready to be a slave for an age, if I could only meet with Libanus.
LIBANUS
apart . I’ faith, with my assistance, indeed, you shall never be free a bit the sooner.
LEONIDA
to himself . I’d give two hundred teeming lashes on my back as well.
LIBANUS
apart . He’s giving away all his substance, for he carries his treasures on his back.
LEONIDA
to himself . But if time should intervene upon this opportunity, never, upon my faith, will he hereafter obtain it again, oven with white horses. He’ll be deserting his master in the siege; he’ll be increasing the courage of the foe. But if with me he is desirous to seize hold upon this opportunity which has presented itself, very great bounties brimful of joyousness, will he, together with myself, be producing for his masters, both for the son and the father. So that, for life, they will be indebted to us both, bound by our services.
LIBANUS
apart . He’s talking of persons being bound, I don’t know who. I don’t like it; I fear for us in common, lest he may have been cheating in some cheatery.
LEONIDA
to himself . I’m utterly undone, unless I find Libanus at once, wherever in the world he is.
LIBANUS
apart . This fellow’s looking out for an accomplice, to unite with himself in a bad design. I don’t like it: ’tis a portentous sign that instant, when a person trembles that sweats.
LEONIDA
to himself . But why, as I hasten, do I loiter here with my feet, and make myself so bounteous with my tongue? Why don’t I bid it be quiet, that in its talkativeness is wearing out the day?
LIBANUS
apart . Upon my faith, an unfortunate man, to check his patroness; for if he has done anything roguishly, his tongue perjures itself in his behalf.
LEONIDA
to himself . I’ll make haste, lest I should be providing a safe keeping for my spoil too late.
LIBANUS
apart . What spoil is this? I’ll go meet him, and enquire what it is. He accosts him. I wish you health in as loud a voice as my strength admits of.
LEONIDA
Exerciser of the whip, health to you.
LIBANUS
Keeper of the gaol, how do you do?
LEONIDA
Ha! colonizer of the chains.
LIBANUS
Ha! delight of the scourges.
LEONIDA
When naked, how many pounds do you say you are in weight?
LIBANUS
Upon my faith, I don’t know.
LEONIDA
I know that you don’t know; but, i’ faith, I who have weighed you do know. Tied up naked, you were a hundred pounds in weight, when you were hanging with your feet downwards.
LIBANUS
On what evidence is that?
LEONIDA
I’ll tell you on what evidence, and in what way. When you are tied up with a full hundred pounds to your feet, when the manacles are fastened to your hands, and tied to the beam, you are weighing neither more nor less, than as being a worthless and good-for-nothing fellow.
LIBANUS
Woe be to you!
LEONIDA
That, Servitude bequeaths to you by her will.
LIBANUS
I wish this skirmishing of words to be cut short. What matter is this?
LEONIDA
Am I sure in trusting you?
LIBANUS
You may, without hesitation.
LEONIDA
If you wish to assist our master’s son in his amour, there is so much of a good opportunity on a sudden, but still mingled with evil — all the hangman’s days will be rendered famous by ourselves. Libanus, now have we occasion to find some boldness and inventiveness. An exploit so great have I thought of just now, that we two may be pronounced the most deserving of all for torture to befall us.
LIBANUS
’Twas on that account I was wondering why my shoulder-blades were aching just now, which were beginning to prognosticate that there was some danger for them at home. Whatever it is, speak out.
LEONIDA
’Tis great booty with great risk.
LIBANUS
If indeed all persons by compact were to collect all the tortures, I have, I fancy, a back at home, so that I need not seek it out of doors.
LEONIDA
If you maintain such firmness of resolve, then we are all right.
LIBANUS
Why, if the matter were to be atoned for by my back, I could wish to seize the public money: I’ll persist in my denial, and I’ll endure all; in fine, I’ll forswear myself.
LEONIDA
Ah! that’s true valour, when occasion is, for one to endure misfortune with boldness. He that endures misfortune with boldness, that man afterwards enjoys good fortune.
LIBANUS
Why don’t you tell the matter at once? I’m longing to tempt the scourge.
LEONIDA
breathing hard . Ask deliberately each particular then, that I may rest me. Don’t you see that I’m still out of breath with running?
LIBANUS
Well, well, I’ll wait your pleasure, even, in fact, till you die.
LEONIDA
Where’s our master, pray?
LIBANUS
The old one is at the Forum, the young one is here in-doors.
LEONIDA
That’s enough for me then.
LIBANUS
Is it then that you’ve become a rich man?
LEONIDA
Leave off your raillery.
LIBANUS
I’ll have done; for my ears are in expectation of what you are bringing me.
LEONIDA
Give your attention, that equally with myself you may learn this.
LIBANUS
I’m silent, then.
LEONIDA
You oblige me. Don’t you remember that our chamberlain sold some Arcadian asses to a dealer of Pella?
LIBANUS
I remember it; after that, what then?
LEONIDA
Well, he has sent some money here then to be paid to Saurea, for the asses; a young man has just now come who has brought this money.
LIBANUS
Where is this person?
LEONIDA
You think he ought to be devoured this instant, if you could see him.
LIBANUS
Aye, to be sure. But, however, you are speaking, I suppose, of those asses, aged and lame, whose hoofs were quite worn away to their very thighs?
LEONIDA
Those same ones, that carried the elm twigs hither from the country, for your use.
LIBANUS
I understand you; and the same ones carried you from here, bound, into the country.
LEONIDA
You say what’s quite correct. But as I was sitting in the barber’s shop, he began to make enquiries of me, whether I knew a certain Demænetus, the son of Strato. At once I said that I knew him, and that I was his servant; and I pointed out our house.
LIBANUS
After that, what then?
LEONIDA
He said that he was bringing the money for the asses to the chamberlain Saurea, twenty minæ in amount; but that he himself didn’t know the individual, who he was, but that he knew Demænetus quite well. Since he spoke thus to this effect ——
LIBANUS
What then?
LEONIDA
Listen then, and you’ll know. At once I made myself courteous, and a person of consequence. I said that I was the chamberlain. Thus, in these terms did he answer me: “Upon my faith, I don’t know Saurea, nor yet of what appearance he is. It isn’t fair for you to blame me; but if you like, bring here Demænetus, your master, whom I do know; I’ll not prevent you taking the money then.” I said that I would bring him, and that I should be at home immediately. He’s about to go to the baths, from there he’ll afterwards come here. What plan do you think, now, I ought to adopt? Tell me.
LIBANUS
Why, I’m thinking of this, how to get between the money, and the stranger, and Saurea. At present this matter is rough-hewn; but if this stranger brings here the money first, then are we both at once shut out from it. But the old man to-day took me apart at a distance from the house, and threatened me and yourself that we should be tasters of the elm twigs, if Argyrippus didn’t this very day get twenty mine of silver. He commanded that we should cheat either the chamberlain or his own wife, and said that he would give the aid he promised. Now, do you go to the Forum to our master, and tell him this, how we are going to manage; that you, from Leonida, are going to be the chamberlain Saurea, until the dealer has brought the money for the asses.
LEONIDA
I’ll do as you request me.
LIBANUS
In the meantime, I’ll amuse him here, if by chance he should come first.
LEONIDA
But what say you —— ?
LIBANUS
What do you want?
LEONIDA
If I give you a blow on the cheek with my fist, by-and-by, while I’m personating Saurea, don’t you be offended.
LIBANUS
I’ faith, but you’ll have a care not to be touching me, if you are wise; you’ll surely have changed your name to day with a bad omen.
LEONIDA
Prithee, do endure it with resolution.
LIBANUS
Do you endure the cuff that I, too, shall be giving you in return.
LEONIDA
I speak as it’s in the habit of being done.
LIBANUS
I’ faith, and I speak, too, of how I’m likely to act.
LEONIDA
Don’t refuse me.
LIBANUS
Why I promise, I tell you, to give you a like return, just as you deserve.
LEONIDA
I’m off; I know that you’ll put up with it by-and-by. But who’s this? ’Tis he— ’tis the very man himself. I’ll return here just now; in the meantime do you detain him here; I want to inform the old gentleman. (Exit.)
LIBANUS
Well, do your duty, then, and fly.
Enter the ASS-DEALER, with a BOY.
THE ASS-DEALER.
to himself . According as it was pointed out to me, this must be the house where Demænetus is said to live. To the BOY. Go, boy, and knock, and call Saurea the chamberlain out here, if he’s in-doors. The BOY goes to knock.
LIBANUS
Who’s breaking in our door in this fashion? Enough there, I say, if you hear me at all.
THE ASS-DEALER.
No one has touched it as yet: are you out of your senses?
LIBANUS
Why I thought that you had touched it, because you were steering your course in that direction. I don’t want the door, my fellow-slave, to be thumped by you; I really am attached to our house.
THE ASS-DEALER.
I’ faith, there’s no fear of the hinges being broken off the doors, if you answer all who make enquiries in this fashion.
LIBANUS
This door is of this habit; it cries out at once for tho porter, if it sees any door-kicker at a distance coming towards it. But what are you come for? What are you enquiring about?
THE ASS-DEALER.
I wanted Demænetus.
LIBANUS
If he were at home, I would tell you so.
THE ASS-DEALER.
Well, his chamberlain then?
LIBANUS
No more is ne at home.
THE ASS-DEALER.
Where is he?
LIBANUS
He said he was going to the barber’s.
THE ASS-DEALER.
Hasn’t he returned, since he went there?
LIBANUS
I’ faith, he hasn’t. What did you want?
THE ASS-DEALER.
He was to have received twenty mine of silver, if he had been in.
LIBANUS
What was it for?
ASS-D.
He sold some asses at market to a dealer from Pella.
LIBANUS
I understand; you are bringing it now. I think that he’ll be here just now.
THE ASS-DEALER.
Of what appearance is your chamberlain Saurea? If it’s he, I shall be able to know at once.
LIBANUS
Lantern-jawed, with reddish hair, a little pot-bellied, with glaring eyes, middling stature, sour aspect.
THE ASS-DEALER.
A painter couldn’t have more correctly described his appearance —— And, i’ faith, I see the very man; he’s coming this way, wagging his head.
LIBANUS
Whoever gets in his way when he’s in a passion, he’ll be for striking him.
THE ASS-DEALER.
By my faith, if, indeed, he were coming filled with the threats and the courage of the grandson of Æacus, if he were to touch me in his wrath, in his wrath he would be getting a thrashing.
Enter LEONIDA, counterfeiting SAUREA.
LEONIDA
to himself . What’s this to do here? Not a person bares a bit about my orders! How did I order Libanus to come to the barber’s shop, and he didn’t come at all. I’ faith, for sure he hasn’t consulted well for his back and his legs.
THE ASS-DEALER.
to himself . This is a very overbearing fellow.
LIBANUS
to the ASS-DEALER . Woe to me this day!
LEONIDA
I bid welcome to Libanus, the freed-man! Are you set at liberty now?
LIBANUS
I do implore you.
LEONIDA
In good sooth, to your great misfortune surely have you fallen in my way. Why didn’t you come to the barber’s shop, as I ordered you?
LIBANUS
pointing to the ASS-DEALER . This person detained me.
LEONIDA
I’ faith, if in fact you were now to say that supreme Jove had detained you, and he were present to sue for you, you shouldn’t escape the evil consequences. Whip-knave, did you disobey my orders? Offers to strike him.
LIBANUS
to the ASS-DEALER . Stranger, I’m done for.
THE ASS-DEALER.
Prithee, Saurea, for my sake, don’t beat him.
LEONIDA
I wish, now, I had a whip in my hand ——
THE ASS-DEALER.
Prithee, do be appeased.
LEONIDA
— With which to lash your sides, which have grown callous with blows. To the ASS-DEALER, who interposes. Stand off this way; let me be the death of this fellow who is continually inflaming me with anger — a thief to whom I can never once enjoin a single thing, but that I must command the same things a hundred times, and din them in his ears. For that reason, now, by my troth, what with bawling and passion, I cannot endure the labour. Have you, you rascal, pointing ordered this dirt to be removed hence from the door? Have you ordered the labours of the spiders to be swept down from the pillars? Have you ordered those bosses on our door to be brought to brightness? It’s of no use; I must walk about with a stick, as though I were a lame man. Because only for these single three days I have been giving my constant attendance at the Forum, in order to find some one who requires money upon interest, here, in the meantime, are you sleeping at home, and my master is living in a pigstye, not in a house. He strikes LIBANUS. There now, take you tha
t.
LIBANUS
to the ASS-DEALER . Prithee, stranger, do take my part.
THE ASS-DEALER.
Saurea, for my sake, I entreat you, do let him go.
LEONIDA
Hark you! has any one paid for the carriage of that olive oil?
LIBANUS
He has paid.
LEONIDA
To whom was it given?
LIBANUS
To Stichus himself, your deputy.
LEONIDA
Tut! you’re trying to mollify me. I know that he is my deputy, and that there isn’t a servant in the house who is more valuable to his master than he is. But the wines that I sold yesterday to Exærambus, the wine merchant, has he yet paid Stichus for them?
LIBANUS
I think he has, in full; for I saw Exærambus himself bringing hither his banker.
LEONIDA
On such terms would I always deal; before, what I’ve trusted, I’ve hardly been paid within a year after. Now he’s quite in a hurry; even of his own accord he brings him to the house, and writes a transfer of the money.
LEONIDA
Has Dromo paid down the wages agreed upon?
LIBANUS
Less than half, I think.
LEONIDA
What about the remainder?
LIBANUS
He said that he would pay it directly it was paid to him; for it was retained until he had finished the work that was agreed on to be done by him.
LEONIDA
The cups that I lent to Philodamus, has he brought them back?
LIBANUS
Not yet.
LEONIDA
What, not yet? If you wish to make a present, lend to a person that is a friend ——
THE ASS-DEALER.
aside . I’ faith, I’m quite undone; he’ll be just now driving me away with his ill-temper.
LIBANUS
in a low voice to LEONIDA . Hallo! you, enough now. Do you hear what he’s saying?
LEONIDA
in the same way to LIBANUS . I hear, and I’ll have done.
THE ASS-DEALER.
aside . At last, I think, he has done: now it’s best to accost him before he commences again to prate. To LEONIDA. How soon, sir, will you give me your attention?
LEONIDA
Oh, by all means — have you been here any time? Troth, I didn’t observe you; pray, don’t lay it to my charge: anger has so blinded my eyesight.
THE ASS-DEALER.
’Tisn’t to be wondered at. But if he’s at home, I was wanting Demænetus.
LEONIDA
Libanus says that he isn’t within. But still, if you like to pay that money over to me, I’ll give you an acquittance that the account is discharged as to that item.