by Plautus
to TYNDARUS . Did I not forbid you this day to utter anything false to me?
TYNDARUS
You did forbid me.
HEGIO
Why did you dare to tell me lies?
TYNDARUS
Because the truth would have prejudiced him whom I was serving; now falsehood has advantaged him.
HEGIO
But it will prejudice yourself.
TYNDARUS
’Tis very good. Still, I have saved my master, whom I rejoice at being saved, to whom my elder master had assigned me as a protector. But do you think that this was wrongly done?
HEGIO
Most wrongfully.
TYNDARUS
But I, who disagree with you, say, rightly. For consider, if any slave of yours had done this for your son, what thanks you would have given him. Would you have given that slave his freedom or not? Would not that slave have been in highest esteem with you? Answer me that.
HEGIO
I think so.
TYNDARUS
Why, then, are you angry with me?
HEGIO
Because you have proved more faithful to him than to myself.
TYNDARUS
How now? Did you expect, in a single night and day, for yourself to teach me — a person just made captive, a recent slave, and in his noviciate — that I should rather consult your interest than his, with whom from childhood I have passed my life?
HEGIO
Seek, then, thanks from him for that. To the SLAVES. Take him where he may receive weighty and thick fetters, thence, after that, you shall go to the quarries for cutting stone. There, while the others are digging out eight stones, unless you daily do half as much work again, you shall have the name of the six-hundred-stripe man.
ARISTOPHONTES
By Gods and men, I do entreat you, Hegio, not to destroy this man.
HEGIO
He shall be taken all care of For at night, fastened with chains, he shall be watched; in the daytime, beneath the ground, he shall be getting out stone. For many a day will I torture him; I’ll not respite him for a single day.
ARISTOPHONTES
Is that settled by you?
HEGIO
Not more settled that I shall die. To the SLAVES. Take him away this instant to Hippolytus, the blacksmith; bid thick fetters to be rivetted on him. From there let him be led outside the gate to my freedman, Cordalus, at the stone-quarries. And tell him that I desire this man so to be treated, that he mayn’t be in any respect worse off than he who is the most severely treated.
TYNDARUS
Why, since you are unwilling, do I desire myself to survive? At your own hazard is the risk of my life. After death, no evil have I to apprehend in death. Though I should live even to extreme age, still, short is the space for enduring what you threaten me with. Farewell and prosper although you are deserving for me to say otherwise. You, Aristophontes, as you have deserved of me, so fare you; for on your account has this befallen me.
>HEG.
to the SLAVES . Carry him off.
TYNDARUS
But this one thing I beg, that, if Philocrates should come back here, you will give me an opportunity of meeting him.
HEGIO
to the SLAVES . At your peril, if you don’t this instant remove him from my sight. The SLAVES lay hold of TYNDARUS, and push him along.
TYNDARUS
I’ troth, this really is violence, to be both dragged and pushed at the same time. He is borne off by the SLAVES.
HEGIO
He has been led off straight to prison as he deserves. Let no one presume to attempt such an enterprise. Had it not been for you who discovered this to me, still would they have been leading me by the bridle with their tricks. Now am I resolved henceforth never to trust any person in anything. This once I have been deceived enough; I did hope, to my sorrow, that I had rescued my son from slavery. That hope has forsaken me. I lost one son, whom, a child in his fourth year, a slave stole from me; and, indeed, never since have I found either slave or son; the elder one has fallen in the hands of the enemy. What guilt is this of mine? As though I had become the father of children for the purpose of being childless. To AISTOPHONTES. Follow this way. I’ll conduct you back where you were. I’m determined to have pity upon no one, since no one has pity upon me.
ARISTOPHONTES
Forth from my chains with evil omen did I come; now I perceive that with like ill omen to my bonds I must return. (Exeunt.)
ACT IV.
Enter ERGASILUS
ERGASILUS
Supreme Jove! thou dost preserve me, and dost augment my means. Plenty, extreme and sumptuous, dost thou present to me; celebrity, profit, enjoyment, mirth, festivity, holidays, sights, provisions, carousings, abundance, joyousness. And to no man have I now determined with myself to go a-begging; for I’m able either to profit my friend or to destroy my enemy, to such extent has this delightful day heaped delights upon me in its delightfulness. I have lighted upon a most rich inheritance without incumbrances. Now will I wend my way to this old gentleman Hegio, to whom I am carrying blessings as great as he himself prays for from the Gods, and even greater. Now, this is my determination, in the same fashion that the slaves of Comedy are wont, so will I throw my cloak around my neck, that from me, the first of all, he may learn this matter. And I trust that I, by reason of this news, shall find provision up to the end.
Enter HEGIO, at a distance.
HEGIO
to himself . The more that I revolve this matter in my breast, the more is my uneasiness of mind increased. That I should have been duped in this fashion to-day! and that I wasn’t able to see through it! When this shall be known, then I shall be laughed at all over the city. The very moment that I shall have reached the Forum, all will be saying, “This is that clever old gentleman, who had the trick played him.” But is this Ergasilus, that I see coming at a distance? Surely he has got his cloak gathered up; what, I wonder, is he going to do?
ERGASILUS
advancing, and talking to himself . Throw aside from you all tardiness, Ergasilus, and speed on this business. I threaten, and I strictly charge no person to stand in my way, unless any one shall be of opinion that he has lived long enough. For whoever does come in my way, shall stop me upon his face. He runs along, flourishing his arms about.
HEGIO
to himself . This fellow’s beginning to box.
ERGASILUS
to himself . I’m determined to do it; so that every one may pursue his own path, let no one be bringing any of his business in this street; for my fist is a balista, my arm is my catapulta, my shoulder a battering-ram; then against whomsoever I dart my knee, I shall bring him to the ground. I’ll make all persons to be picking up their teeth, whomsoever I shall meet with.
HEGIO
to himself . What threatening is this? For I cannot wonder enough.
ERGASILUS
I’ll make him always to remember this day and place, and myself as well. Whoever stops me upon my road, I’ll make him put a stop to his own existence.
HEGIO
to himself . What great thing is this fellow preparing to do, with such mighty threats?
ERGASILUS
I first give notice, that no one, by reason of his own fault, may be caught — keep yourselves in-doors at home, and guard yourselves from my attack.
HEGIO
to himself . By my faith, ’tis strange if he hasn’t got this boldness by means of his stomach. Woe to that wretched man, through whose cheer this fellow has become quite swaggering.
ERGASILUS
Then the bakers, that feed swine, that fatten their pigs upon refuse bran, through the stench of which no one can pass by a baker’s shop; if I see the pig of any one of them in the public way, I’ll beat the bran out of the masters’ themselves with my fists.
HEGIO
to himself . Royal and imperial edicts does he give out. The fellow is full; he certainly has his boldness from his stomach.
ERGASIL
US
Then the fishmongers, who supply stinking fish to the public — who are carried about on a gelding, with his galloping galling pace — the stench of whom drives all the loungers in the Basilica into the Forum, I’ll bang their heads with their bulrush fish-baskets, that they may understand what annoyance they cause to the noses of other people. And then the butchers, as well, who render the sheep destitute of their young-who agree with you about killing lamb, and then offer you lamb at double the price — who give the name of wether mutton to a ram — if I should only see that ram in the public way, I’ll make both ram and owner most miserable beings.
HEGIO
to hieiself . Well done! He really does give out edicts fit for an Ædile, and ’tis indeed a surprising thing if the Ætolians haven’t made him inspector of markets.
ERGASILUS
No Parasite now am I, but a right royal king of kings; so large a stock of provision for my stomach is there at hand in the harbour. But why delay to overwhelm this old gentleman Hegio with gladness? With him, not a person among mankind exists equally fortunate.
HEGIO
apart . What joy is this, that he, thus joyous, is going to impart to me?
ERGASILUS
knocking at HEGIO’S door . Hallo, hallo! — where are you? Is any one coming to open this door?
HEGIO
apart . This fellow’s betaking himself to my house to dine.
ERGASILUS
Open you both these doors, before I shall with knocking cause the destruction, piecemeal, of the doors.
HEGIO
apart . I’d like much to address the fellow. Aloud. Ergasilus!
ERGASILUS
Who’s calling Ergasilus?
HEGIO
Turn round, and look at me.
ERGASILUS
not seeing who it is . A thing that Fortune does not do for you, nor ever will do, you bid me to do. But who is it.
HEGIO
Look round at me. ’Tis Hegio.
ERGASILUS
turning round . O me! Best of the very best of men, as many as exist, you have arrived opportunely.
HEGIO
You’ve met with some one at the harbour to dine with; through that you are elevated.
ERGASILUS
Give me your hand.
HEGIO
My hand?
ERGASILUS
Give me your hand, I say, this instant.
HEGIO
Take it. Giving him his hand.
ERGASILUS
Rejoice.
HEGIO
Why should I rejoice?
ERGASILUS
Because I bid you; come now, rejoice.
HEGIO
I’ faith, my sorrows exceed my rejoicings.
ERGASILUS
’Tis not so, as you shall find; I’ll at once drive away every spot of sorrow from your body. Rejoice without restraint.
HEGIO
I do rejoice, although I don’t at all know why I should rejoice.
ERGASILUS
You do rightly; now order ——
HEGIO
Order what?
ERGASILUS
A large fire to be made.
HEGIO
A large fire?
ERGASILUS
So I say, that a huge one it must be.
HEGIO
What, you vulture, do you suppose that for your sake I’m going to set my house on fire?
ERGASILUS
Don’t be angry. Will you order, or will you not order, the pots to be put on, and the saucepans to be washed out, the bacon and the dainties to be made warm in the heated cooking-stoves, another one, too, to go purchase the fish?
HEGIO
This fellow’s dreaming while awake.
ERGASILUS
Another to buy pork, and lamb, and pullets.
HEGIO
You understand how to feed well, if you had the means.
ERGASILUS
Gammons of bacon, too, and lampreys, spring pickled tunny-fish, mackerel, and sting-ray; large fish, too, and soft cheese.
HEGIO
You will have more opportunity, Ergasilus, here at my house, of talking about these things than of eating them.
ERGASILUS
Do you suppose that I’m saying this on my own account?
HEGIO
You will neither be eating nothing here to-day, nor yet much more than usual, so don’t you be mistaken. Do you then bring an appetite to my house for your every-day fare.
ERGASILUS
Why, I’ll so manage it, that you yourself shall wish to be profuse, though I myself should desire you not.
HEA.
What, I?
ERGASILUS
Yes, you.
HEGIO
Then you are my master.
ERGASILUS
Yes, and a kindly disposed one. Do you wish me to make you happy?
HEGIO
Certainly I would, rather than miserable.
ERGASILUS
Give me your hand.
HEGIO
extending his hand . Here is my hand.
ERGASILUS
All the Gods are blessing you.
HEGIO
I don’t feel it so.
ERGASILUS
Why, you are not in a quickset hedge, therefore you don’t feel it; but order the vessels, in a clean state, to be got for you forthwith in readiness for the sacrifice, and one lamb to be brought here with all haste, a fat one.
HEGIO
Why?
ERGASILUS
That you may offer sacrifice
HEGIO
To which one of the Gods?
ERGASILUS
To myself, i’ faith, for now am I your supreme Jupiter. I likewise am your salvation, your fortune, your life, your delight, your joy. Do you at once, then, make this Divinity propitious to you by cramming him.
HEGIO
You seem to me to be hungry.
ERGASILUS
For myself am I hungry, and not for you.
HEGIO
I readily allow of it at your own good will.
ERGASILUS
I believe you; from a boy you were in the habit —
HEGIO
May Jupiter and the Gods confound you.
ERGASILUS
I’ troth, ’tis fair that for my news you should return me thanks; such great happiness do I now bring you from the harbour.
HEGIO
Now you are flattering me. Begone, you simpleton; you have arrived behind time, too late.
ERGASILUS
If I had come sooner, then for that reason you might rather have said that. Now, receive this joyous news of me which I bring you; for at the harbour I just now saw your son Philopolemus in the common fly-boat, alive, safe and sound, and likewise there that other young man together with him, and Stalagmus your slave, who fled from your house, who stole from you your little son, the child of four years old.
HEGIO
Away with you to utter perdition! You are trifling with me.
ERGASILUS
So may holy Gluttony love me, Hegio, and so may she ever dignify me with her name, I did see ——
HEGIO
My son?
ERGASILUS
Your son, and my good Genius.
HEGIO
That Elean captive, too?
ERGASILUS
Yes, by Apollo
HEGIO
The slave, too? My slave Stalagmus, he that stole my son —— ?
ERGASILUS
Yes, by Cora.
HEGIO
So long a time ago?
ERGASILUS
Yes, by Præneste!
HEGIO
Is he arrived?
ERGASILUS
Yes, by Signia!
HEGIO
For sure?
ERGASILUS
Yes, by Phrysinone!
HEGIO
Have a care, if you please.
ERGASILUS
HEGIO
Why are you swearing by foreign cities?
ERGASILUS
Why, because they are just as disagreable as you were declaring your fare to be.
HEGIO
Woe be to you!
ERGASILUS
Because that you don’t believe me at all in what I say in sober earnestness. But of what country was Stalagmus, at the time when ne departed hence?
HEGIO
A Sicilian.
ERGASILUS
But now he is not a Sicilian — he is a Boian; he has got a Boian woman. A wife, I suppose, has been given to him for the sake of obtaining children.
HEGIO
Tell me, have you said these words to me in good earnest?
ERGASILUS
In good earnest.
HEGIO
Immortal Gods, I seem to be born again, if you are telling the truth.
ERGASILUS
Do you say so? Will you still entertain doubts, when I have solemnly sworn to you? In fine, Hegio, if you have little confidence in my oath, go yourself to the harbour and see.
HEGIO
I’m determined to do so. Do you arrange in-doors what’s requisite. Use, ask for, take from my larder what you like; I appoint you cellarman.
ERGASILUS
Now, by my troth, if I have not prophesied truly to you, do you comb me out with a cudgel.
HEGIO
I’ll find you in victuals to the end, if you are telling me the truth.
ERGASILUS
Whence shall it be?
HEGIO
From myself and from my son.
ERGASILUS
Do you promise that?
HEGIO
I do promise it.
ERGASILUS
But I, in return, promise you that your son has arrived.
HEGIO
Manage as well as ever you can.
ERGASILUS
A happy walk there to you, and a happy walk back. (Exit HEGIO.)
ERGASILUS, alone
ERGASILUS
He has gone away from here, and has entrusted to me the most important concern of catering. Immortal Gods how I shall now be slicing necks off of sides; how vast a downfall will befall the gammon; how vast a belabouring the bacon! How great a using-up of udders, how vast a bewailing for the brawn! How great a bestirring for the butchers, how great a preparation for the porksellers! But if I were to enumerate the rest of the things which minister to the supply of the stomach, ’twould be sheer delay. Now will I go off to my government, to give laws to the bacon, and, those gammons that are hanging uncondemned, to give aid to them. Goes into the house.
Enter a LAD, a servant of HEGIO.