by Plautus
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By my troth, very angry at last. Hallo! you; stay, I bid you. Come you back. Will you stay now? Will you even for my sake come back? EROTIUM goes into her house, and shuts the door. She has gone indoors, and shut the house. Now I’m regularly barred out; I have neither any credit at home now, nor with my mistress. I’ll go and consult my friends on this matter, as to what they think should be done. (Exit.)
ACT V.
Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES, with the mantle on.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I did very foolishly a while since, in entrusting my purse to Messenio with the money. I suspect he has got himself into some bad house or other. Enter the WIFE of Menaechmus of Epidamnus, from the house.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’ll look out to see how soon my husband is going to return home. But here he is; I see him; I’m all right, he’s bringing back the mantle.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
to himself . I wonder where Messenio can be walking now.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’ll go and receive the fellow with such language as he deserves. Accosting him. Are you not ashamed to come forward in my presence, you disgraceful man, in that garb?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What’s the matter? What thing is troubling you, woman?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you dare, you shameless fellow, to utter even a single word, or to speak to me?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Pray, what wrong have I committed, that I shouldn’t dare to speak to you?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you ask me? O dear, the impudent audacity of the fellow!
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Don’t you know, madam, for what reason the Greeks used to say that Hecuba was a bitch?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I don’t know, indeed.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Because Hecuba used to do the same thing that you are now doing. She used to heap all kinds of imprecations on every one she saw; and, therefore, for that reason she was properly begun to be called a bitch.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I can’t put up with this disgraceful conduct of yours; for I had rather see my life that of a widow, than endure this vile conduct of yours that you are guilty of.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What is it to me, whether you are able to endure to live in the married state, or whether you will separate from your husband? Is it thus the fashion here to tell these stories to a stranger on his arrival?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What stories? I say, I’ll not endure it henceforth, but live separate rather than put up with these ways.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Troth, so far indeed as I’m concerned, do live separate, even so long as Jupiter shall hold his sway.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By heavens, I’ll certainly now send for my father, and I’ll tell him your disgraceful conduct that you are guilty of. Go, Decio calling to a SERVANT , seek for my father, that he may come along with you to me; tell him that occasion has arisen for it. I’ll. now disclose to him this disgraceful conduct of yours.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Are you in your senses? What disgraceful conduct of mine?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
When you filch from home my mantle and gold trinkets, without the knowledge of your wife, and carry them off to your mistress. Don’t I state this correctly?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
O dear! madam, by my faith, you are both very bold and very perverse. Do you dare to say pointing at the mantle that this was stolen from you which another woman gave me, for me to get it trimmed?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
A little while since you didn’t deny that you had purloined it from me; do you now hold up that same before my eyes? Are you not ashamed?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By my faith, madam, I entreat you, if you know, show me what I’m to drink, by means of which I may put up with your impertinence. What person you are taking me to be, I don’t know; I know you just as well as Parthaon.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
If you laugh at me, still, i’ troth, you can’t do so at him; my father, I mean, who’s coming here. Why don’t you look back? Do you know that person?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Just as well as Calchas do I know him; I have seen him on that same day on which I have seen yourself before this present day.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you deny that you know me? Do you deny that you know my father?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Troth, I shall say the same thing, if you choose to bring your grandfather.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’ faith, you do this and other things just in a like fashion.
Enter an OLD MAN, hobbling with a stick.
OLD MAN
According as my age permits, and as there is occasion to do so, I’ll push on my steps and make haste to get along. But how far from easy ’tis for me, I’m not mistaken as to that. For my agility forsakes me, and I am beset with age; I carry my body weighed down; my strength has deserted me. How grievous a pack upon one’s back is age. For when it comes, it brings very many and very grievous particulars, were I now to recount all of which, my speech would be too long. But this matter is a trouble to my mind and heart, what this business can possibly be on account of which my daughter suddenly requires me to come to her, and doesn’t first let me know what’s the matter, what she wants, or why she sends for me. But pretty nearly do I know now what’s the matter; I suspect that some quarrel has arisen with her husband. So are these women wont to do, who, presuming on their portions, and haughty, require their husbands to be obedient to them; and they as well full oft are not without fault. But still there are bounds, within which a wife ought to be put up with. By my troth, my daughter never sends for her father to come to her except when either something has been done wrong, or there is a cause for quarrelling. But whatever it is, I shall now know. And see, I perceive her herself before the house, and her husband in a pensive mood. ’Tis the same as I suspected. I’ll accost her.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’ll go and meet him. May every happiness attend you, my father.
OLD MAN
Happiness attend you. Do I find you in good spirits? Do you bid me be fetched in happy mood? Why are you sorrowful? And why does he pointing at MENAECHMUS in anger stand apart from you? Something, I know not what, are you two wrangling about between you. Say, in few words, which of the two is in fault: no long speeches, though.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
For my part, I’ve done nothing wrong; as to that point do I at once make you easy, father. But I cannot live or remain here on any account; you must take me away hence immediately.
OLD MAN
Why, what’s the matter?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I am made a laughing-stock of, father.
OLD MAN
By whom?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By him to whom you gave me, my husband.
OLD MAN
Look at that — a quarrel now. How often, I wonder, have I told you to be cautious, that neither should be coming to me with your complaints.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
How, my father, can I possibly guard against that?
OLD MAN
Do you ask me? ... unless you don’t wish. How often have I told you to be compliant to your husband. Don’t be watching what he does, where he goes, or what matter he’s about.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why, but he’s in love with a courtesan here close by.
OLD MAN
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
He drinks there, too.
OLD MAN
And will he really drink the less for you, whether it shall please him to do so there or anywhere else? Plague on it, what assurance is this? On the same principle, you would wish to hinder him from engaging to dine out, or from receiving any other person at his own house. Do you want husbands to be your servants? You might as well expect, on the same principle, to be giving him out his task, and bidding him sit among the female servants and card wool.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why, surely, father, I’ve sent for you not to be my advocate, but my husband’s: on this side you stand, on the other you plead the cause.
OLD MAN
If he has done wrong in anything, so much the more shall I censure him than I’ve censured you. Since he keeps you provided for and well clothed, and finds you amply in female servants and provisions, ’tis better, madam, to entertain kindly feelings.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
But he purloins from me gold trinkets and mantles from out of the chests at home; he plunders me, and secretly carries off my ornaments to harlots.
OLD MAN
He does wrong, if he does that; if he does not do it, you do wrong in accusing him when innocent.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why at this moment, even, he has got a mantle, father, and a bracelet, which he had carried off to her; now, because I came to know of it, he brings them back.
OLD MAN
I’ll know from himself, then, how it happened. I’ll go up to this man and accost him. Goes up to MENAECHMUS. Tell me this, Menaechmus, what you two are disputing about, that I may know. Why are you pensive? And why does she in anger stand apart from you?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Whoever you are, whatever is your name, old gentleman, I call to witness supreme Jove and the Deities ——
OLD MAN
For what reason, or what matter of all matters?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
That I have neither done wrong to that woman, who is accusing me of having purloined this pointing to the mantle away from her at home ... and which she solemnly swears that I did take away. If ever I set foot inside of her house where she lives, I wish that I may become the most wretched of all wretched men.
OLD MAN
Are you in your senses to wish this, or to deny that you ever set foot in that house where you live, you downright madman?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Do you say, old gentleman, that I live in this house? Pointing at the house.
OLD MAN
Do you deny it?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By my faith, certainly do deny it.
OLD MAN
In your fun you are going too far in denying it; unless you flitted elsewhere this last night. Step this way, please, daughter. To the WIFE. What do you say? Have you removed from this house?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
To what place, or for what reason, prithee?
OLD MAN
I’ faith, I don’t know.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
He’s surely making fun of you.
OLD MAN
Can’t you keep yourself quiet? Now, Menaechmus, you really have joked long enough; now do seriously attend to this matter.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Prithee, what have I to do with you? Whence or what person are you? Is your mind right, or hers, in fact, who is an annoyance to me in every way?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Don’t you see how his eyes sparkle? How a green colour is arising on his temples and his forehead; look how his eyes do glisten ...
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
O me! They say I’m mad, whereas they of themselves are mad.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
How he yawns, as he stretches himself. What am I to do now, my father?
OLD MAN
Step this way, my daughter, as far as ever you can from him.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
aside . What is there better for me than, since they say I’m mad, to pretend that I am mad, that I may frighten them away from me? He dances about. Evoë, Bacchus, ho! Bromius, in what forest dost thou invite me to the chase? I hear thee, but I cannot get away from this spot, so much does this raving mad female cur watch me on the left side. And behind there is that other old he-goat, who many a time in his life has proved the destruction of an innocent fellow-citizen by his false testimony.
OLD MAN
shaking his stick at him . Woe to your head.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Lo! by his oracle, Apollo bids me burn out her eyes with blazing torches. He points with his fingers at her.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’m undone, my father; he’s threatening to burn my eyes out.
OLD MAN
Hark you, daughter.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What’s the matter? What are we to do?
OLD MAN
What if I call the servants out here? I’ll go bring some to take him away hence, and bind him at home, before he makes any further disturbance.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
aside . So now; I think now if I don’t adopt some plan for myself, these people will be carrying me off home to their house. Aloud. Dost thou forbid me to spare my fists at all upon her face, unless she does at once get out of my sight to utter and extreme perdition? I will do what thou dost bid me, Apollo. Runs after her.
OLD MAN
to the WIFE . Away with you home as soon as possible, lest he should knock you down.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’m off. Watch him, my father, I entreat you, that he mayn’t go anywhere hence. Am I not a wretched woman to hear these things? She goes into her house.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
aside . I’ve got rid of her not so badly. Aloud . Now as for this most filthy, long-bearded, palsied Tithonus, who is said to have had Cygnus for his father, you bid me break in pieces his limbs, and bones, and members with that walking-stick which he himself is holding.
OLD MAN
Punishment shall be inflicted if you touch me indeed, or if you come nearer to me.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
shouting aloud . I will do what thou dost bid me; I will take a two-edged axe, and I will hew this old fellow to his very bones, and I will chop his entrails into mincemeat.
OLD MAN
retreating as far as he can . Why really against that must I take care and precaution. As he threatens, I’m quite in dread of him, lest he should do me some mischief.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
jumping and raising his arms . Many things dost thou bid me do, Apollo. Now thou dost order me to take the yoked horses, unbroke and fierce, and to mount the chariot, that I may crush to pieces this aged, stinking, toothless lion. Now have I mounted the chariot; now do I hold the reins; now is the whip in my hand. Speed onward, ye steeds, let the sound of your hoofs be heard; in your swift course let the rapid pace of your feet be redoubled. Points at the OLD MAN as he pretends to gallop.
OLD MAN
Are you threatening me with your yoked steeds?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Lo! again, Apollo, thou dost bid me to make an onset against him who is standing here, and to murder him. But what person is this that is tearing me hence by the hair down from the chariot? He revokes thy commands and the decree of Apollo.
OLD MAN
Alas! a severe and obstinate malady, i’ faith. By our trust in you, ye Gods ... even this person who is now mad, how well he was a little time since. All on a sudden has so great a distemper attacked him. I’ll go now and fetch a physician as fast as I can. (Exit.)
MENAECHMUS SOSICL
ES
Prithee, are these persons gone now out of my sight, who are compelling me by force, while in my wits, to be mad? Why do I delay to be off to the ship, while I can in safety? ... And all of you to the SPECTATORS , if the old gentleman should return, I beg not to tell him, now, by what street I fled away hence. (Exit.)
Enter the OLD MAN, very slowly.
OLD MAN
My bones ache with sitting, my eyes with watching, while waiting for the Doctor, till he returned from his business. At last the troublesome fellow has with difficulty got away from his patients. He says that he has set a broken leg for Aesculapius, and an arm for Apollo. I’m now thinking whether I’m to say that I’m bringing a doctor or a carpenter. But, see, here he comes. — Do get on with your ant’s pace.
Enter a DOCTOR.
DOCTOR.
What did you say was his disorder? Tell me, respected sir. Is he harassed by sprites, or is he frenzied? Let me know. Is it lethargy, or is it dropsy, that possesses him?
OLD MAN
Why, I’m bringing you for that reason, that you may tell me that, and make him convalescent.
DOCTOR.
That indeed is a very easy matter. Why, I shall heal innumerable times as many in the day.
OLD MAN
I wish him to be treated with great attention.
DOCTOR.
That he shall be healed, I promise that on my word; so with great attention will I treat him for you.
OLD MAN
Why, see! here’s the man himself.
DOCTOR.
Let’s watch what matter he’s about. (They stand aside.)
Enter MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
to himself . By my faith, this day has certainly fallen out perverse and adverse for me, since the Parasite, who has filled me full of disgrace and terror, has made that all known, which I supposed I was doing secretly; my own Ulysses, who has brought so great evil on his king — a fellow that, by my troth, if I only live, I’ll soon finish his life. But I’m a fool, who call that his, which is my own. With my own victuals and at my own expense has he been supported; of existence will I deprive the fellow. But the Courtesan has done this in a way worthy of her, just as the harlot’s habit is: because I ask for the mantle, that it may be returned again to my wife, she declares that she has given it me. O dear! By my faith, I do live a wretched man.