by Plautus
PALAESTRIO
aside . ’Twas he that saw her billing, so far as I have heard him say.
SCELEDRUS
Who’s that?
PALAESTRIO
Your fellow-servant. How are you, Sceledrus?
SCELEDRUS
I am glad that I have met you, Palaestrio.
PAT.
What now? Or what’s the matter? Let me know.
SCELEDRUS
I’m afraid.
PALAESTRIO
What are you afraid of?
SCELEDRUS
By my troth, lest, this day, as many domestics as there are of us here, we shall jump into a most woful punishmient by way of torture.
PALAESTRIO
Jump you alone, please; for I don’t at all like this jumping in and jumping out.
SCELEDRUS
Perhaps you don’t know what new mischance has happened at home?
PALAESTRIO
What mischance is this?
SCELEDRUS
A disgraceful one.
PALAESTRIO
Do you then keep it to yourself alone: don’t tell it me; I don’t want to know it.
SCELEDRUS
But I won’t let you not know it. To-day I was following our monkey upon the tiles, next door there. Points to the house.
PALAESTRIO
By my troth, Sceledrus, a worthless fellow, you were following a worthless beast.
SCELEDRUS
The Gods confound you!
PALAESTRIO
That befits yourself, since you began the conversation.
SCELEDRUS
By chance, as it happened, I looked down there through the skylight, into the next house; and there I saw Philocomasium toying with some strange young man, I know not whom.
PALAESTRIO
What scandalous thing is this I hear of you, Sceledrus?
SCELEDRUS
I’ faith, I did see her, beyond a doubt.
PALAESTRIO
What, yourself?
SCELEDRUS
Yes, I myself, with these eyes of mine.
PALAESTRIO
Get away, it isn’t likely what you say, nor did you see her.
SCELEDRUS
Do I, then, appear to you as if I were purblind?
PALAESTRIO
‘Twere better for you to ask the doctor about that. But, indeed, if the Gods only love you, don’t you rashly father this idle story. Now are you breeding thence a fatal dilemma for your legs and head; for, in two ways, the cause is contrived for you to be ruined, unless you put a check upon your foolish chattering.
SCELEDRUS
But how, two ways?
PALAESTRIO
I’ll tell you. First then, if you falsely accuse Philocomasium, by that you are undone; in the next place, if it is true, having been appointed her keeper, there you are undone.
SCELEDRUS
What may happen to me, I know not; I know for certain that I did see this.
PALAESTRIO
Do you persist in it, unfortunate wretch?
SCELEDRUS
What would you have me say to you, but that I did see her? Moreover, she is in there, next door, at this very moment.
PALAESTRIO
What! Isn’t she at home?
SCELEDRUS
Go and see. Go in-doors yourself; for I don’t ask now for any confidence to be put in me.
PALAESTRIO
I’m determined to do so.
SCELEDRUS
I’ll wait here for you. PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN’S house. SCLEDRUS, alone.
SCELEDRUS
In this direction will I be on the watch for her, how soon the heifer may betake herself from the pasture this way towards her stall. What now shall I do? The Captain gave me to her as her keeper. Now, if I make a discovery, I’m undone; if I am silent, still I am undone, if this should be discovered. What is there more abandoned or more daring than a woman? While I was upon the tiles, this woman betook herself out of doors from her dwelling. By my troth, ’twas a brazen act she did. If, now, the Captain were to know of this, i’ faith, I believe he would pull down the whole entire house next door, and me he would send to the gibbet.. Whatever comes of it, i’ faith, I’ll hold my tongue rather than come to a bad end. I cannot keep effectual guard on a woman that puts herself up for sale. Enter PALAESTRIO from the CAPTAIN’s house.
PALAESTRIO
Sceledrus, Sceledrus, what one man is there on earth more impudent than yourself? Who more than yourself has been born with the Deities hostile and enraged?
SCELEDRUS
What’s the matter?
PALAESTRIO
Do you want those eyes of yours gouged out, with which you see what never existed?
SCELEDRUS
How, what never existed?
PALAESTRIO
I would not buy your life at the price of a rotten nut.
SCELEDRUS
Why, what’s the matter?
PALAESTRIO
What’s the matter, do you ask?
SCELEDRUS
And why shouldn’t I ask?
PALAESTRIO
Why don’t you beg for that tongue of yours to be cut out, that prates so at random?
SCELEDRUS
Why should I beg for that?
PALAESTRIO
Why, Philocomasium is there at home, she whom you were saying that you had seen next door kissing and toying with another man.
SCELEDRUS
’Tis a wonder that you are in the habit of feeding on darnel, with wheat at so low a price.
PALAESTRIO
Why so?
SCELEDRUS
Because you are so dim of sight.
PALAESTRIO
You gallows-bird, ’tis you, indeed, that are blind, with a vengeance, and not dim of sight; for, sure enough, there she is at home.
SCELEDRUS
How? At home?
PALAESTRIO
At home, i’ faith, undoubtedly.
SCELEDRUS
Be off with you; you are playing with me, Palaestrio
PALAESTRIO
My hands are dirty, then.
SCELEDRUS
How so?
PALAESTRIO
Because I am playing with dirt.
SCELEDRUS
A mischief on your head.
PALAESTRIO
Nay rather, Sceledrus, it shall be on yours, I promise you, unless you change for fresh your eyes and your talk. But our door made a noise.
SCELEDRUS
Well, I shall watch here out of doors, for there is no way by which she can pass hence in-doors, except through the front door.
PALAESTRIO
But there she is, at home. I don’t know, Scledrus, what mischief is possessing you.
SCELEDRUS
I see for my own self, I judge for my own self, I have especial faith in my own self: no man shall frighten me out of it, but that she is in that house. Points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS. Here I’ll take my stand, that she may not steal out home without my knowledge.
PALAESTRIO
(aside) This fellow is in my hands; now will I drive him from his strong hold. (To SCLEDRUS) Do you wish me now to make you own that you don’t see correctly?
SCELEDRUS
Come, do it then.
PALAESTRIO
And that you neither think aright in your mind, nor yet make use of your eyes?
SCELEDRUS
I’d have you do it.
PALAESTRIO
Do you say, then that the lady of your master is there in that house?
SCELEDRUS
I assert, as well, that I saw here here in this house (points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS) , toying with a strange man.
PALAESTRIO
Don’t you know that there is no communication between our house here and that one?
SCELEDRUS
I know it.
PALAESTRIO
Neither by the terrace, nor by the garden, only thr
ough the skylight?
SCELEDRUS
I know it.
PALAESTRIO
What then, if she is now at home? If I shall make her, so as you may see her,come out hence from our house, are you not deserving of many a lashing?
SCELEDRUS
I am so deserving.
PALAESTRIO
Watch that door, then, that she may not privily betake herself out thence without your knowledge and pass here into our house.
SCELEDRUS
’Tis my intention to do so.
PALAESTRIO
Upon her feet will I place her this moment here before you in the street.
SCELEDRUS
Come, then, and do so. PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN’s house. SCLEDRUS, alone.
SCELEDRUS
I wish to know whether I did see that which I did see, or whether he can do that which he says he can do — make her to be at home. For, really, I have eyes of my own, and I don’t ever ask to borrow them out of doors. But this fellow is forever fawning about her; he is always near her; he is called first to meat; his mess is given to him first. For this fellow has been, perhaps, about three years with us; nor fares it better with any other servant in our family than with him. But it is necessary for me to mind what I am about; to keep my eye upon this door. If I take my station here, this way, in faith, I warrant they will never impose on me.
Enter PALAESTRIO and PHILOCOMASIUM from the CAPTAIN’s house.
PALAESTRIO
(speaking to her in a low voice as he enters) Be sure to remember my instructions.
PHILOCOMASIUM
(aside) It’s strange you should so often remind me.
PALAESTRIO
(aside) But I fear you may not prove cunning enough.
PHILOCOMASIUM
(aside) Give me even ten scholars, though far from artful, I could instruct them so as to prove artful; in me alone is there a superabundance of artfulness; come, then, now put your plans in force; I’ll step aside here. (Steps aside.)
PALAESTRIO
What have you to say, Scledrus?
SCELEDRUS
(not lifting up his eyes) I’m about this business of mine; I have got ears, say what you please.
PALAESTRIO
I think that in that self-same position you will have to die outside the gates, when, with hands outstretched, you will be carrying your cross.
SCELEDRUS
For what reason so?
PALAESTRIO
Just look on your left hand; who is that lady?
SCELEDRUS
looking . O ye immortal Gods, it really is the lady of my master!
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, so she seems to me as well. Do then, now, since so you would have it ——
SCELEDRUS
Do what?
PALAESTRIO
Die this very instant.
PHILOCOMASIUM
advancing . Where is this faithful servant, who has falsely accused me in my innocence of this most heinous crime?
PALAESTRIO
See, here he is; ’tis he that told it me, — assuredly ’twas he.
PHILOCOMASIUM
Villain, did you say that you had seen me next door here kissing?
PALAESTRIO
Besides, he said it was with some strange young man.
SCELEDRUS
I’ faith, I did. say so, undoubtedly.
PHILOCOMASIUM
You, saw me?
SCELEDRUS
Yes, with these self-same eyes.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I fancy you will lose those eyes, which see more than what they really do see.
SCELEDRUS
By my faith, I shall never be intimidated from having seen what I really did see.
PHILOCOMASIUM
In my foolishness I am delaying too long in parleying with this madman, whom, by the powers, I’ll punish with death.
SCELEDRUS
Forbear to threaten me: I know that the cross will prove my tomb; there are laid my forefathers, my father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather. ’Tis not in possibility, however, for these eyes of mine to be dug out by your threats. But I want a few words with you; prithee, Palaestrio, whence came she hither?
PALAESTRIO
Whence but from our house?
SCELEDRUS
From our house?
PALAESTRIO
Do you credit me?
SCELEDRUS
I do credit you: but ’tis a thing to be wondered at, how she has been able to return from that house to ours. For, beyond a doubt, we have neither a terrace to our house, nor any garden, nor any window but what is latticed. To PHILOCOMASIUM. But, undoubtedly, I did see you in the house next door.
PALAESTRIO
Do you persist, you rascal, in pretending to accuse her?
PHILOCOMASIUM
In good sooth, then, the dream has not turned out untrue, that I dreamed last night.
PALAESTRIO
What did you dream?
PHILOCOMASIUM
I’ll tell you; but, I pray you, give attention. Last night, in my sleep, my twin-sister seemed to have come from Athens to Ephesus with a certain person, her lover. Both of them seemed to me to be having their lodgings here next door.
PALAESTRIO
to the AUDIENCE . The dream that’s being related is Palaestrio’s — pray, go on.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I seemed to be delighted because my sister had come, and on her account I seemed to be incurring a most grievous suspicion. For, in my sleep, my own servant seemed to accuse me, as you are now doing, of being caressed by a strange young man, whereas it was that own twin-sister of mine, who had been toying with her own friend. Thus did I dream that I was wrongfully accused of a crime.
PALAESTRIO
And isn’t just the same thing befalling you when awake, that you speak of as seen in your sleep? Capital; i’ faith, the dream is verified: go in-doors, and pray. I should recommend that this be told to the Captain.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I am resolved to do so; nor, in fact, will I allow myself, with impunity, to be accused of disgraceful conduct. Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house.
SCELEDRUS
I fear for the thing I have done; my back does so tingle all over.
PALAESTRIO
Are you not aware that you are done for?
SCELEDRUS
Now, indeed, I’m sure she is at home; I am now resolved to watch our door, wheresoever she may be. Places himself at the door.
PALAESTRIO
But, prithee, Sceledrus, how very like the dream she dreamt to what has happened; and how you really did believe that you had seen her kissing. * * * * *
SCELEDRUS
And do you suppose that I didn’t see her?
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, I verily believe you’ll come to your senses when ’tis too late. If this matter should only reach our master, you certainly are undone.
SCELEDRUS
Now, at length, I find out that there was a mist placed before my eyes.
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, that really has been plain for some time now; as she was here in-doors all the while.
SCELEDRUS
Not a word of certainty have I to utter; I did not see her, although I did see her.
PALAESTRIO
By my troth, through this folly of yours you certainly have nearly ruined us; while you have wished to prove yourself faithful to your master, you have been almost undone. But the door of our next neighbour makes a noise; I’ll be silent.
Enter PHILOCOMASIUM, dressed in another habit, from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
PHILOCOMASIUM
to a servant SERVANT . Put fire on the altar, that in my joy I may return praises and thanks to Diana of Ephesus, and that I may send up for her a grateful smoke with odours of Arabia: she who has preserved me in the realms of Neptune and amid the boisterous temples, where with raging billows I have been
so recently dismayed.
SCELEDRUS
discovering her . Palaestrio! O Palaestrio!
PALAESTRIO
Sceledrus! O Sceledrus! What is it you want?
SCELEDRUS
This lady that has come out of that house just now — is she Philocomasium, our master’s lady, or is she not?
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, I think, it seems to be she. But ’tis a wondrous thing how she could pass from our house to next door; if, indeed, it is she.
SCELEDRUS
And have you any doubt that this is she?
PALAESTRIO
It seems to be she.
SCELEDRUS
Let us approach her, and accost her. Hallo! how’s this, Philocomasium? What is there owing to you in that house? What is your business there? Why are you silent now? I am speaking to you.
PALAESTRIO
No, faith, you are talking to yourself; for nothing at all does she answer.
SCELEDRUS
I am addressing you, woman, brimful of viciousness and disgrace, who are roaming about among your neighbours.
PHILOCOMASIUM
To whom are you talking?
SCELEDRUS
To whom but to yourself?
PHILOCOMASIUM
What person are you? Or what business have you with me?
SCELEDRUS
O, you ask me who I am, do you?
PHILOCOMASIUM
Why shouldn’t I ask that which I don’t know?
PALAESTRIO
Who am I, then, if you don’t know him?
PHILOCOMASIUM
You are an annoyance to me, whoever you are, both you and he.
SCELEDRUS
What? don’t you know us?
PHILOCOMASIUM
No, neither of you.
SCELEDRUS
I very much fear ——
PALAESTRIO
What do you fear?
SCELEDRUS
Why, that we have lost ourselves somewhere or other; for she says that she knows neither you nor me.
PALAESTRIO
I wish, Sceledrus, to examine into this, whether we are ourselves, or else some other persons; lest secretly somehow some one of our neighbours may have transformed us without our knowing it.
SCELEDRUS
For my part, beyond a doubt, I am my own self.
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, and so am I.
SCELEDRUS
My lady, you are seeking your destruction. To you I am speaking; hark you, Philocomasium!
PHILOCOMASIUM
What craziness possesses you, to be calling me wrongly by a crackjaw name?