by Plautus
Consider every now and then how faithful I have been to you. If you do that, then at last you’ll know who is honest towards you and who dishonest.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I know it; I have often found that true, as well before as to-day in especial.
PALAESTRIO
Do you know it? Aye, and this day I’ll make you hereafter say still more how true it is.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I can hardly refrain from bidding you to stay.
PALAESTRIO
Take you care how you do that. They may say that you are a liar and not truthful, that you have no honor; they may say that no one of your slaves is trustworthy except my-self. If, indeed, I thought you could do it with honor, I should advise you. But it cannot be; take care how you do so.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Be off; I’ll be content then, whatever happens.
PALAESTRIO
Then, fare you well.
PYRGOPOLINICES
‘Twere better you should go with a good heart.
PALAESTRIO
Still, once more, farewell. Exit.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Before this affair, I had always thought that he was a most rascally servant; still, I find that he is faithful to me. When I consider with myself, I have done unwisely in parting with him. I’ll go hence at once now to my love here: the door, too, I perceive, makes a noise there.
Enter a BOY from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
A BOY.
to some one within . Don’t you be advising me; I remember my duty; this moment I’ll find him. Wherever on earth he may chance to be, I’ll search him out; I’ll not be sparing of my pains.
PYRGOPOLINICES
’Tis I he is looking for, I’ll go and meet this boy.
A BOY.
O, I’m looking for you; save you, dearest sir, one loaded by opportunity with her gifts, and whom before all others two Divinities do favour.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What two?
A BOY.
Mars and Venus.
PYRGOPOLINICES
A sprightly boy.
A BOY.
She entreats that you will go in; she wishes — she longs for you, and while expecting you, she’s dying for you. Do succour one in love. Why do you stay? Why don’t you go in?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Well, I’ll go. Enters the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
A BOY.
There has he entangled himself at once in the toils. The snare is prepared: the old gentleman is standing at his post to attack the letcher, who is so boastful of his good looks; who thinks that, whatever woman sees him, all are in love with him; whom all, both men and women, detest. Now I will on to the uproar; I hear a tumult within.
ACT V.
Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house, with CARIO and other SERVANTS, dragging PYRGOPOLINICES.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Bring that fellow along. If he doesn’t follow, drag him, lifted on high, out of doors. Make him to be between heaven and earth; cut him in pieces. They beat him.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By my troth, I do entreat you, Periplecomenus.
PERIPLECOMENUS
By my troth, you do entreat in vain. Take care, Cario, that that knife of yours is very sharp.
CARIO
Why, it’s already longing to rip up the stomach of this letcher. I’ll make his entrails hang just as a bauble hangs from a baby’s neck.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’m a dead man.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Not yet; you say so too soon.
CARIO
Shall I have at this fellow now?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Aye, — but first let him be thrashed with cudgels.
CARIO
True, right lustily.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why have you dared, you disgraceful fellow, to seduce another man’s wife?
PYRGOPOLINICES
So may the Gods bless me, she came to me of her own accord.
PERIPLECOMENUS
It’s a lie. Lay on. They are about to strike.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Stay, while I tell ——
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why are you hesitating?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Will you not let me speak?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Speak, then.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I was entreated to come here.
PERIPLECOMENUS
How did you dare? There’s for you, take that. Strikes him.
PYRGOPOLINICES
O! O! I’ve had enough. Prithee, now.
CARIO
Am I to begin cutting him up at once?
PERIPLECOMENUS
As soon as you like. Stretch the fellow out, and spread out his pinions in opposite ways.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By heavens, prithee, do hear my words before he cuts me.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Speak before you’re made of no sex.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I supposed that she was a widow; and so her maid, who was her go-between, informed me.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Now take an oath that you won’t injure any person for this affair, because you have been beaten here today, or shall be beaten hereafter, if we let you go safe hence, you dear little grandson of Venus.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I swear by Dione and Mars that I will hurt no one because I have been beaten here this day; and I think that it was rightfully done; and if I don’t go hence further injured, I am rightly punished for the offence.
PERIPLECOMENUS
But what if you don’t do so?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Then, may I always have my word not to be trusted
CARIO
Let him be beaten once more; after that I think he may be dismissed.
PYRGOPOLINICES
May the Gods ever bless you, since you so kindly come as my advocate.
CARIO
Give us a golden mina, then.
PYRGOPOLINICES
For what reason?
CARIO
That we may now let you go hence unmaimed, you little grandson of Venus; otherwise you shall not escape from here; don’t you deceive yourself.
PYRGOPOLINICES
It shall be given you.
CARIO
You’re very wise. As for your tunic, and your scarf, and sword, don’t at all hope for them; you shan’t have them.
A SERVANT.
Shall I beat him again, or do you let him go?
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’m tamed by your cudgels. I do entreat you.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Loose him.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I return you thanks.
PERIPLECOMENUS
If I ever catch you here again, I’ll insert a disqualifying clause.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Well: I make no objection.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Let’s go in, Cario. PERIPLECOMENUS, CARIO, and SERVANTS go into his house. Enter SCLEDRUS and other SERVANTS of the CAPTAIN.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Here are some of my servants, I see. Tell me, is Philocomasium off yet.
SCELEDRUS
Aye, some time since.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Ah me!
SCELEDRUS
You would say that still more if you were to know what I know, for that fellow who had the wool before his eye was no sailor.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Who was he, then?
SCELEDRUS
A lover of Philocomasium’s.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How do you know?
SCELEDRUS
I do know: for after they had got out of the city gate, they didn’t wait a moment before falling to kissing and embracing each other at once.
PYRGOPOLINICES
O wretched fool that I am! I see that I have been gulled. That scoundrel of a fellow, Palaest
rio, it was he that contrived this plot against me.
SCELEDRUS
I think it was properly done. If it were so done to other letchers, there would be fewer letchers here; they would stand more in awe, and give their attention less to these pursuits.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Let’s go into my house.
AN ACTOR
to the AUDIENCE . Give us your applause.
MOSTELLARIA
Translated by Henry Thomas Riley
Mostellaria, which has been translated as ‘The Haunted House’, is set in Athens, on a street in front of the houses of Theopropides and Simo. The narrative concerns a young man called Philolaches, who enjoys a carousing lifestyle, while his father is away on business. He has also borrowed a lot of money to buy the freedom of the slave-girl he loves. One day he is having a house party with many friends, when his slave Tranio interrupts the merry-making to announce that Philolaches’ father has returned unexpectedly and will arrive from the harbour at any moment. Amid the general panic, Tranio has an idea. He hustles Philolaches and his friends into the house and locks the door; when his father arrives, Tranio greets him respectfully but pretends that it is dangerous to enter the house as it is haunted…
CONTENTS
THE SUBJECT.
THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.
ACT I.
ACT II.
ACT III.
ACT IV.
ACT V.
THE SUBJECT.
WHILE Theuropides is absent from home on business, his son Philolaches leads a dissolute life at home with his friend Callidamates and his own servant Tranio While they are in the midst of their carousals, the father of Philolaches unexpectedly arrives at Athens. Their first impulse is to leave the house immediately, but, Callidamates being in a state of helpless intoxication, they are prevented from so doing. In this dilemma, Tranio undertakes to rescue them. He requests them to remain perfectly quiet in the house, and not to stir out of it. The house is then shut up, and he sallies forth to meet Theuropides. He pretends to him that the house has been shut up for some months past, in consequence of its being haunted. In the midst of the conversation, he is accosted by a Banker, who duns him for the interest of some money which Philolaches has borrowed of him for the purpose of procuring the freedom of Philematium, his mistress. Theuropides enquires what the money was borrowed for, on which Tranio says that Philolaches has purchased a house with it. On Theuropides making further enquiries, Tranio says that he has bought the house in which Simo is living. On this, Theuropides wishes to examine this new purchase, and sends Tranio to request Simo to allow him to do so, if not inconvenient. Tranio obtains the permission, Simo being ignorant of the object, and they go over the house, Theuropides being much pleased with his son’s bargain. Tranio is then sent by Theuropides into the country to fetch Philolaches thence, he having pretended that he is there. Shortly after, a servant of Callidamates comes to the house that is shut up to fetch his master home. Theuropides questions him, and then finds out the deception that has been practised upon him; and on receiving further information from Simo, who declares that he has not sold his own house, he resolves to punish Tranio. The latter, on finding this to be the case, runs to an altar for refuge. Callidamates, who is now sober, and has got out of the house by the back-gate, now makes his appearance, and, at his earnest intercession, pardon is granted by Theuropides to Philolaches and Tranio.
THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.
[Supposed to have been written by Priscian the Grammarian.]
PHILOLACHES has given liberty to (Manumisit) his mistress who has been bought by him, and he consumes all (Omnem) his substance in the absence of his father. When he returns, Tranio deceives the old man (Senem); he says that frightful (Terrifica) apparitions have been seen in the house, and (Et) that at once they had removed from it. A Usurer, greedy of gain (Lucripeta), comes up in the meantime, asking for the interest of some money, and again the old man is made sport of (Lusus); for the servant says that a deposit for a house which has been bought has been taken up (Acceptum) on loan. The old man enquires (Requirit) which it is; he says that of the neighbour next door. He then looks over (Inspectat) it. Afterwards he is vexed that he has been laughed at; still by (Ab) the companion of his son he is finally appeased.
ACT I.
Enter, from the house of THEUROPIDES, GRUMIO, pushing out TRANIO.
GRUMIO
Get out of the kitchen, will you; out of it, you whip-scoundrel, who are giving me your cavilling talk amid the platters; march out of the house, you ruin of your master. Upon my faith, if I only live, I’ll be soundly revenged upon you in the country. Get out, I say, you steam of the kitchen. Why are you skulking thus?
TRANIO
Why the plague are you making this noise here before the house? Do you fancy yourself to be in the country? Get out of the house; be off into the country. Go and hang yourself. Get away from the door. Striking him. There now, was it that you wanted?
>
GRUMIO
running away . I’m undone! Why are you beating me? TRA. Because you want it.
GRUMIO
I must endure it. Only let the old gentleman return home; only let him come safe home, whom you are devouring in his absence.
TRANIO
You don’t say what’s either likely or true, you blockhead, as to any one devouring a person in his absence.
GRUMIO
Indeed, you town wit, you minion of the mob, do you throw the country in my teeth? Really, Tranio, I do believe that you feel sure that before long you’ll be handed over to the mill. Within a short period, i’ faith, Tranio, you’ll full soon be adding to the iron-bound race in the country. While you choose to, and have the opportunity, drink on, squander his property, corrupt my master’s son, a most worthy young man, drink night and day, live like Greeks, make purchase of mistresses, give them their freedom, feed parasites, feast yourselves sumptuously. Was it thus that the old gentleman enjoined you when he went hence abroad? Is it after this fashion that he will find his property well husbanded? Do you suppose that this is the duty of a good servant, to be ruining both the estate and the son of his master? For I do consider him as ruined, when he devotes himself to these goings on. A person, with whom not one of all the young men of Attica was before deemed equally frugal or more steady, the same is now carrying off the palm in the opposite direction. Through your management and your tutoring has that been done.
TRANIO
What the plague business have you with me or with what I do? Prithee, haven’t you got your cattle in the country for you to look to? I choose to drink, to intrigue, to keep my wenches; this I do at the peril of my own back, and not of yours
GRUMIO
Then with what assurance he does talk! Turning away in disgust. Faugh!
TRANIO
But may Jupiter and all the Deities confound you; you stink of garlick, you filth unmistakeable, you clod, you he-goat, you pig-sty, you mixture of dog and she-goat.
GRUMIO
What would you have to be done? It isn’t all that can smell of foreign perfumes, if you smell of them; or that can take their places at table above their master, or live on such exquisite dainties as you live upon. Do you keep to yourself those turtle-doves, that fish, and poultry; let me enjoy my lot upon garlick diet. You are fortunate; I unlucky. It must be endured. Let my good fortune be awaiting me, your bad yourself.
TRANIO
You seem, Grumio, as though you envied me, because I enjoy myself and you are wretched. It is quite my due. It’s proper for me to make love, and for you to feed the cattle; for me to fare handsomely, you in a miserable way.
GRUMIO
O riddle for the executioner, as I guess it will turn out; they’ll be so pinking you with goads, as you carry your gibbet along the streets one day, as soon as ever the old gentleman returns here.
TRANIO
How do you know whether that mayn’t happen to yourself sooner than to me?
GRUMIO
&nb
sp; Because I have never deserved it; you have deserved it, and you now deserve it.
TRANIO
Do cut short the trouble of your talking, unless you wish a heavy mischance to befall you.
GRUMIO
Are you going to give me the tares for me to take for the cattle? If you are not, give me the money. Go on, still persist in the way in which you’ve commenced! Drink, live like Greeks, eat, stuff yourselves, slaughter your fatlings!
TRANIO
Hold your tongue, and be off into the country; I intend to go to the Piræus to get me some fish for the evening. To-morrow I’ll make some one bring you the tares to the farm. What’s the matter? Why now are you staring at me, gallows-bird?
GRUMIO
I’ faith, I’ve an idea that will be your own title before long.
TRANIO
So long as it is as it is, in the meantime I’ll put up with that “before long.”
GRUMIO
That’s the way; and understand this one thing, that that which is disagreable comes much more speedily than that which you wish for.
TRANIO
Don’t you be annoying; now then, away with you into the country, and betake yourself off. Don’t you deceive yourself, henceforth you shan’t be causing me any impediment. (Exit.)
GRUMIO
to himself . Is he really gone? Not to care one straw for what I’ve said! O immortal Gods, I do implore your aid, do cause this old gentleman of ours, who has now been three years absent from here, to return hither as soon as possible, before everything is gone, both house and land. Unless he does return here, remnants to last for a few months only are left. Now I’ll be off to the country; but look! I see my master’s son, one who has been corrupted from having been a most excellent young man. (Exit.)
Enter PHILOLACHES, from the house of THEUROPIDES.
PHILOLACHES
to himself . I’ve often thought and long reflected on it, and in my breast have held many a debate, and in my heart (if any heart I have) have revolved this matter, and long discussed it, to what thing I’m to consider man as like, and what form he has when he is born? I’ve now discovered this likeness. I think a man is like unto a new house when he is born. I’ll give my proofs of this fact. To the AUDIENCE. And does not this seem to you like the truth? But so I’ll manage that you shall think it is so. Beyond a doubt I’ll convince you that it is true what I say. And this yourselves, I’m sure, when you have heard my words, will say is no otherwise than just as I now affirm that it is. Listen while I repeat my proofs of this fact; I want you to be equally knowing with myself upon this matter. As soon as ever a house is built up, nicely polished off, carefully erected, and according to rule, people praise the architect and approve of the house, they take from it each one a model for himself. Each one has something similar, quite at his own expense; they do not spare their pains. But when a worthless, lazy, dirty, negligent fellow betakes himself thither with an idle family, then is it imputed as a fault to the house, while a good house is being kept in bad repair. And this is often the case; a storm comes on and breaks the tiles and gutters; then a careless owner takes no heed to put up others. A shower comes on and streams down the walls; the rafters admit the rain; the weather rots the labours of the builder; then the utility of the house becomes diminished; and yet this is not the fault of the builder. But a great part of mankind have contracted this habit of delay; if anything can be repaired by means of money, they are always still putting it off, and don’t * * * do it until the walls come tumbling down; then the whole house has to be built anew. These instances from buildings I’ve mentioned; and now I wish to inform you how you are to suppose that men are like houses. In the first place then, the parents are the builders-up of the children, and lay the foundation for the children; they raise them up, they carefully train them to strength, and that they may be good both for service and for view before the public. They spare not either their own pains or their cost, nor do they deem expense in that to be an expense. They refine them, teach them literature, the ordinances, the laws; at their own cost and labour they struggle, that others may wish for their own children to be like to them. When they repair to the army, they then find them some relation of theirs as a protector. At that moment they pass out of the builder’s hands. One year’s pay has now been earned; at that period, then, a sample is on view how the building will turn out. But I was always discreet and virtuous, just as long as I was under the management of the builder. After I had left him to follow the bent of my own inclinations, at once I entirely spoiled the labours of the builders. Idleness came on; that was my storm; on its arrival, upon me it brought down hail and showers, which overthrew my modesty and the bounds of virtue, and untiled them for me in an instant. After that I was neglectful to cover in again; at once passion like a torrent entered my heart; it flowed down even unto my breast, and soaked through my heart. Now both property, credit, fair fame, virtue, and honor have forsaken me; by usage have I become much worse, and, i’ faith (so rotten are these rafters of mine with moisture), I do not seem to myself to be able possibly to patch up my house to prevent it from falling down totally once for all, from perishing from the foundation, and from no one being able to assist me. My heart pains me, when I reflect how I now am and how I once was, than whom in youthful age not one there was more active in the arts of exercise, with the quoit, the javelin, the ball, racing, arms, and horses. I then lived a joyous life; in frugality and hardihood I was an example to others; all, even the most deserving, took a lesson from me for themselves. Now that I’m become worthless, to that, indeed, have I hastened through the bent of my inclinations. He stands apart.