by Plautus
Enter TOXILUS, from the house of his MASTER.
TOXILUS
to himself . I’ve hit upon the whole matter, so that with his own money the Procurer may this day make her his fieed-woman. But see, here’s the Parasite whose assistance I have need of. I’ll make believe as though I didn’t see him; in that way I’ll allure the fellow. Goes to the door, and calls to the SERVANTS within. Do you attend, you there, and quickly make haste, that I mayn’t have any delay when I come in-doors. Mix the honied wine; get ready the quinces and the junkets, that they may be nicely warmed upon the dishes, and throw in some scented calamus. I’ faith, that boon-companion of mine, I fancy, will be here just now.
SATURIO
apart . He’s meaning me — bravo!
TOXILUS
I think that he’ll be here just now from the baths when he has bathed.
SATURIO
apart . How he does keep everything in its due order.
TOXILUS
Take you care that the gravy-cakes and the cheese-biscuits are hot; don’t be giving them to me unbaked.
SATURIO
apart . He’s speaking the very fact; they are worth nothing raw, only if you swallow them warm. Then, unless the broth for the gravy-cakes is of a thick consistency, that miserable, thin, pale, transparent stuff, is worth nothing at all. The broth for a gravy-cake ought to be like a soup. I don’t want it to be going into my bladder, I want it for my stomach.
TOXILUS
pretending not to see him . Some one, I know not who, is talking near me here.
SATURIO
accosting him . O my earthly Jupiter, your fellow- feaster addresses you.
TOXILUS
O Saturio, you’ve come opportunely for me.
SATURIO
Upon my faith, you are telling a lie, and it becomes you not; for as Hungerio I’m come, not as Saturio am I come.
TOXILUS
But you shall have something to eat; for now the creature-comforts for the stomach are smoking away in-doors. I’ve ordered the remnants to be warmed.
SATURIO
Why, it’s the proper thing for the gammon to be served up cold the day after.
TOXILUS
I’ve ordered it so to be done.
SATURIO
Any caviare?
TOXILUS
Get out — do you ask the question?
SATURIO
You have a capital notion of what’s good.
TOXILUS
But do you at all remember the matter about which I was making mention to you yesterday?
SATURIO
I recollect; that the lamprey and the conger ought not to be made warm; for they are much better stripped of their meat when cold. But why do we delay to commence the engagement? While it’s the morning, it befits all people to eat.
TOXILUS
It’s almost too early in the morning.
SATURIO
The business that you begin to do in the morning, that same lasts on throughout the day.
TOXILUS
Prithee, do give your attention to this. For yesterday I mentioned it to you, and entreated you to lend me six hundred didrachms.
SATURIO
I recollect it and am aware, both that you did ask me, and that I hadn’t any to lend. A Parasite’s good for nothing that has got money at home; he has a longing at once to begin upon an entertainment, and to gobble away at his own expense, if he has anything at home. A Parasite ought to be a right down needy Cynic; he ought to have a leather bottle, a strigil, an utensil, a pair of slippers, a cloak, and a purse; and in that a little of the needful, with which he may just cheer up the existence of his own household.
TOXILUS
I don’t want money now; lend me your daughter.
SATURIO
By my troth, never to any person whatsoever have I lent her as yet.
TOXILUS
Not for that purpose which you are insinuating.
SATURIO
Why do you want her then?
TOXILUS
You shall know; because she’s of a pretty and genteel figure.
SATURIO
Such is the fact.
TOXILUS
This Procurer pointing to the house of DORDALUS neither knows yourself nor your daughter.
SATURIO
How should any one know me, except him who finds me food?
TOXILUS
Such is the fact. This way you can find some money for me.
SATURIO
I’ faith, I wish I could.
TOXILUS
Then do you allow me to sell her.
SATURIO
You to sell her?
TOXILUS
Why no, I’ll depute another person to sell her, and to say that he is a foreigner; since it isn’t six months since that Procurer removed hither from Megara.
SATURIO
The remnants are spoiling; this, however, can be done afterwards.
TOXILUS
Do you understand on what terms it can? Never, on my word, shall you eat here this day, so don’t be mistaken, before you declare to me that you’ll do this that I’m requesting; and unless you bring your daughter with you hither at once as soon as you can, by my faith, I’ll cashier you from this squad. What now? What’s the matter? Why don’t you say what you will do?
SATURIO
I’ troth, prithee sell even myself as well, if you like, so long as you sell me with my stomach full.
TOXILUS
If you are going to do this, do it.
SATURIO
For my part, I’ll do what you desire,
TOXILUS
You act kindly. Make haste, be off home; cleverly tutor your daughter beforehand, instruct her cunningly, what she is to say, where she is to declare she was born, who were her parents, how she was kidnapped. But let her declare that she was born at a distance from Athens; and let her shed tears when she makes mention of it.
SATURIO
Now won’t you hold your tongue? Three times more artful is she than you would have her be.
TOXILUS
I’ troth, you say what’s excellent. But do you know what you are to do? Get a tunic and a girdle, and bring a scarf and a broad-brimmed hat for him to wear who is to sell her to this Procurer ——
SATURIO
Well-capital!
TOXILUS
As though he were a foreigner.
SATURIO
I approve of it ——
TOXILUS
And do you bring your daughter cleverly drest up after a foreign fashion.
SAGARISTIO
“Où sont” the dresses?
TOXILUS
Borrow them of the chorus-leader. He ought to lend them; the Ædiles have contracted for them to be found.
SATURIO
I’ll have them here just now. But I’m to be acquainted with nothing of these matters?
TOXILUS
I’ faith, nothing, in fact. But, when I’ve got the money, do you at once claim her of the Procurer.
SATURIO
Let him keep her for himself, if I don’t immediately carry her off from him.
TOXILUS
Be off and attend to this. Exit SATURIO. In the meantime, I want to send a boy to my mistress; that she may be of good courage, and that I shall manage it to-day. I’m talking too much at length. Goes into the house.
ACT II.
Enter SOPHOCLIDISCA and LEMNISELENE, from the house of DORDALUS.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
It were enough to tell an untaught, thoughtless, silly girl the same thing so many times over; really, in fact, I do imagine that I’m quite looked upon by you as a blockhead and a country booby. Although I do drink wine, still I’m not in the habit of swallowing down your commands together with it. I really had fancied that both myself and my ways had now been sufficiently proved by you; for, as for me, I’ve attended you now these five years; whereas, in that time, a cuckoo even, I do believe, if he had gone to school,
could by now have been made to know his letters well; while, in the meantime, whether speaking or not speaking, you have not made yourself acquainted with my disposition. Can you not hold your tongue? Can you not cease advising me? I remember, and I know, and I understand, and I keep in mind; i’ faith, you are in love, poor thing; on that account your mind’s disturbed. I’ll cause that that shall be calmed for you.
LEMNISELENE
Wretched is the person that’s in love. Goes into the house.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
to herself . Good for nothing, indeed, he certainly is, who is in love with nothing. What need has that person of life? I ought to go, that I may prove obedient to my mistress; that through my aid she may the sooner become a free woman. I’ll go meet this Toxilus, however; his ears I’ll stuff with what has been enjoined upon me. Stands aside.
Enter, from the house, TOXILUS and PÆGNIUM.
TOXILUS
Are these things quite clear and certain to you — do you quite remember and understand them?
PÆG.
Better than you who have instructed me.
TOXILUS
Say you so, you whip-rascal?
PÆG.
I really do say so.
TOXILUS
What did I say then P
PÆG.
I’ll tell it to her all correctly.
TOXILUS
I’ faith, you don’t know it.
PÆG.
Troth now, lay me a wager that I don’t remember and know it all.
TOXILUS
Why, for my part, I’ll lay a wager with you on this, whether you know your own self, how many fingers you have this day upon your hand.
PÆG.
Without hesitation — if you are desirous to lose.
TOXILUS
A fair truce rather let there be.
PÆG.
For that reason, then, do you let me go.
TOXILUS
I both bid and permit you. But I wish you so to attend to it, that you are back home while I’m thinking that you are there.
PÆG.
I’ll do so. Moves towards their own house.
TOXILUS
Whither are you now going?
PÆG.
Home; that I may be at home while you are thinking that I am there.
TOXILUS
You are a rascal of a boy, and —— for this service I’ll give you something to add to your savings.
PÆG.
I’m aware how want of shame is wont to be imputed to a master’s word, and that masters cannot ever be compelled to appear before the judge on account of those promises.
TOXILUS
Be off now.
PÆG.
I’ll give you reason to command me.
TOXILUS
But, Pægnium, take you care and give that letter to Lemniselene herself, and tell her what I bade you.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
apart . Do I delay to go whither I was sent?
PÆG.
I’m off.
TOXILUS
Then do be off; I’ll off home. Take care and manage this business with attention. Fly post haste. Goes into the house.
PÆG.
That’s what the ostrich is wont to do in the Circus He’s off from here m-doors there. But who’s this woman that’s coming towards me?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
advancing . Surely this is Pægnimn.
PÆG.
This is Sophoclidisca, the private servant of her to whom I’m sent.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
aside . There’s not a person this day that’s reported to be more artful than this boy. I’ll accost him.
PÆG.
At this bar I must come to a stop.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Pægnium, my charmer of a boy, save you; how are you? How do you do?
PÆG.
Sophoclidisca, the Gods will favour me.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Why “me?” Which of us?
PÆG.
I’ faith, I don’t know. But if they were to do as you deserve, by my troth they’d hold you in hate, and treat you but badly.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Do leave off your abusive talking.
PÆG.
Since I’m saying just as you I’m talking to deserve, properly, not abusively.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
What are you about now?
PÆG.
Standing opposite to you, looking at a worthless woman.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
For my own part, assuredly, I do not know any more good-for-nothing boy than yourself.
PÆG.
What mischief do I do, or to what person do I speak abusively?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
I’ faith, to every one that you have the opportunity.
PÆG.
Not an individual has ever thought so.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
But, i’ faith, full many a one knows that so it is.
PÆG.
Heyday, indeed!
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Heyday, indeed!
PÆG.
According to your own disposition you judge of the ways of others.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
I certainly do confess that I’m just as befits one of a Procurer’s household to be.
PÆG.
I’ve now had enough of your chattering.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
What say you? Do you plead guilty to what I take you to be?
PÆG.
If I were so, I should confess it.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Be off then; you’ve got the victory.
PÆG.
Now then be off with you.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Do you then tell me this — whither are you going?
PÆG.
Whither are you?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Say you.
PÆG.
Say you.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
I was the first to ask.
PÆG.
Then you shall be the last to know.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
I’m going not far hence.
PÆG.
And I, indeed, not far.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Whither then, you rascal?
PÆG.
Unless I know first of you, you shall never know this of me that you are enquiring.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
On my honor you shall never this day know before I’ve heard it of you.
PÆG.
Is such the fact?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Is such the fact?
PÆG.
You are a worthless one.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Rogue.
PÆG.
That befits me.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Me then it does not befit.
PÆG.
What do you say? Are you quite determined, you hussy, to conceal whither you are going?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
And are you quite resolved to hide whither you are betaking yourself, you scoundrel?
PÆG.
You are giving answer to what I say like for like; be off with you then, since such is your determination. I don’t care at all to know. Good-bye. Moving.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Stop!
PÆG.
But I’m in a hurry.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
And, i’ faith, I as well.
PÆG.
Have you got anything? Pointing to her hand.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Have you anything? Pointing likewise.
PÆG.
Really nothing whatever.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Show me your hand then.
PÆG.
showing his right hand . Is this the hand?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Where is that other, the pilfering left hand?
PÆG.
hiding his left hand . Why, it is at home, d’ye see;
I’ve not brought one hither.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
trying to seize his hand . You’ve got something, what it is I know not.
PÆG.
pushing her away . Don’t be mauling me about you she-groper.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
But suppose I’m in love with you.
PÆG.
You employ your pains to no purpose.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Why so?
PÆG.
Why, because you are in love with nothing at all, when you are in love with one who doesn’t return it.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
It befits these youthful looks and age to be on the watch for pleasure il good time; so that, when your hair comes to change its hue, you may not be always in a grovelling servitude. Why, really, as yet you are not eighty pounds in weight.
PÆG.
Still, that warfare is waged much more successfully by spirit than by weight. But I’m losing my pains.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Why so?
PÆG.
Because I’m teaching those who know it all. But I’m loitering here. Moves.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
taking hold of him . Do stop.
PÆG.
You are annoying to me.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
And so I shall be then, if I don’t find out whither you are betaking yourself.
PÆG.
To your house.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
And I to your house, i’ faith.
PÆG.
Why thither?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
What’s that to you?
PÆG.
standing before her . Why, you shan’t go now, unless, in return, I know.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
You are teazing.
PÆG.
I choose to.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
Never, upon my faith, shall you wring this out of me, so as to prove yourself more artful than I am.
PÆG.
It’s a misery to contend with you in artfulness.
SOPHOCLIDISCA
You are a mischievous baggage.
PÆG.
What is there for you to fear?
SOPHOCLIDISCA
The very same that there is for you.
PÆG.
Say then, what is it?