by Plautus
BALLIO
Theatrical nonsense; expressions which, in comedies, are wont to be used to a procurer, which boys are acquainted with. He said that I was worthless, and wicked, and forsworn.
SIMO
I’ faith, he told no lie.
BALLIO
’Twas for that reason I wasn’t angry. For what matters it for you to speak uncivilly to him who cares not for it, and who don’t deny the truth of what you say?
SIMO
Why is it that you are in no fear of him? That I’m longing to hear.
BALLIO
Because he never will carry the woman off now, nor is he able. Don’t you yourself remember that I told you, some time since, that she had been sold to a Macedonian officer?
SIMO
I remember.
BALLIO
Well, his servant just now brought me the money, and the token with the impression, which had been arranged between himself and me.
SIMO
What then?
BALLIO
He took away with him the woman, not long since.
SIMO
Do you say this in real truth?
BALLIO
Whence could I possibly have that quality?
SIMO
Do you only take care that he hasn’t been playing some trick there.
BALLIO
The letter and the impress on the seal make me sure. Indeed, ’twas but just now he took her off for Sicyon.
SIMO
Troth now, ’twas well done. Why do I delay to make Pseudolus give a name to a colony at the mill-stones? But who’s this fellow in the scarf?
BALLIO
I don’t know, i’ faith; however, let’s observe whither he’s going, and what business he’s upon. They stand on one side.
Enter HARPAX.
HARPAX
to himself . That slave’s a base and worthless fellow, who values his master’s commands at nought; and he, too, is good for nothing who is forgetful to do his duty unless he’s put in mind. But those who forthwith deem themselves to be at liberty, when they have hidden themselves from the sight of their master, who riot, wench, devour what they have, — aye, what they have not, — long do those same endure the name of servitude. Nor is there any good disposition in them, except only that they may uphold themselves by their dishonest contrivances. With these, neither their company nor their conversation suits me, nor by these persons have I been ever known. Although he is away, I consider my master as being here; I fear him when he isn’t here, that I may not have to fear him when he is here. Therefore, as I have been ordered, to this business will I give my attention. But that Syrus, to whom I gave the token, would have been letting me stay even yet in the shop. As he bade me, I stayed there; he said that he would send for me when the procurer was at home. But since he hasn’t come, or called me while staying there, I’m come hither of my own accord, that I may know what is the fact, that that fellow mayn’t be playing tricks with me. And there is nothing better than that I should knock at this door, and call some out here from indoors. I want this procurer to take this money of me, and to send off this woman with me. Goes towards BALLIO’S door.
BALLIO
from behind, to SIMO . Hark you!
SIMO
apart . What do you want?
BALLIO
apart . This fellow’s my own. SIMO. apart . How so?
BALLIO
apart, pointing to the purse in the hand of HARPAX . Because that booty’s mine. He’s in search of a mistress he has got money. I already long to fix my teeth in him.
SIMO
apart . Are you going to devour him already?
BALLIO
apart . While he’s fresh, while he’s in the habit of giving away, while he’s warm upon it, ’tis proper for him to be gobbled up. The good men keep me poor, the bad ones support me; the virtuous are a benefit to the public, the debauched to myself.
SIMO
aside . A mischief may the Gods send you; such a villain are you.
BALLIO
apart . Venus bestows upon me these blessings, when she drives hither these haters of money, these who quite long for losses, who carefully pamper themselves and their youthful age, eat, drink, and wench. Of quite different dispositions are they and you.
HARPAX
to himself . I’m now delaying myself, in not knocking at this door, that I may know whether or no Ballio is at home now. Calls out, going up to the door. Hallo! where are you? Hallo! where are you?
BALLIO
apart . Why, he’s going straight up towards my house. I shall come off finely loaded with plunder from this fellow; I know it’s a lucky omen for me.
HARPAX
knocking violently at the door . Does any one come to open this door?
BALLIO
calling out to him . Hallo! you in the scarf, what’s owing you at that house?
HARPAX
I’m enquiring for Ballio, the procurer, the master of the house.
BALLIO
Whoever you are, young man, make short work of your enquiries.
HARPAX
Why so?
BALLIO
Because he himself in person sees you in his presence before him.
HARPAX
What, are you he?
SIMO
You in the scarf, take you care, please, of some crooked misfortune, and point your finger at him; this fellow is a procurer.
BALLIO
pointing to SIMO . And this is an honest man. To SIMO. But you, worthy fellow, are many a time being hunted after in the Forum with noise enough, when you haven’t a groat in the world, unless this procurer here comes to help you a bit.
HARPAX
But why don’t you address yourself to me?
BALLIO
I do address you. What is it you want?
HARPAX
You to take this money. He holds out the five minæ.
BALLIO
holding out his hand . Already have I extended my hand, if you are going to give it.
HARPAX
Take it; here are five picked minæ of silver counted out. Gives him the money. This did my master, Polymachæroplagides. order me to deliver to you, the sum which he was owing, and that you were to send Phœnicium with me.
BALLIO
Your master?
HARPAX
I say to that effect.
BALLIO
The Captain?
HARPAX
I speak to that effect.
BALLIO
The Macedonian?
HARPAX
Such is the fact, I say.
BALLIO
Polymachæroplagides sent you to me?
HARPAX
You say what’s fact.
BALLIO
To give me this money?
HARPAX
If you really are the procurer Ballio.
BALLIO
And for you to take away the woman from me?
HARPAX
Even so.
BALLIO
Did he say that it was Phœnicium?
HARPAX
You remember it exactly.
BALLIO
Wait there; I’ll return to you this instant.
HARPAX
Make haste, then, with all speed, for I’m in a hurry. ’Tis now late in the day, d’ye see?
BALLIO
I see; still I wish to call this person aside. Do you only wait there; I’ll return to you this instant. He takes SIMO on one side. What’s to be done now, Simo? What are we to do? I’ve detected this fellow that has brought the money in the fact.
SIMO
How so?
BALLIO
And don’t you understand what this plan is?
SIMO
About as much as the most ignorant do.
BALLIO
Your servant, Pseudolus, has sent this fellow on the message, as though he was from the Macedonian Captain.
SIMO
> Have you got the money from the fellow?
BALLIO
Do you ask about that which you see? Shows the purse in his hand.
SIMO
Harkye, remember to give me one half of that plunder. It’s right that that should be in common.
BALLIO
Why, plague on’t, ’tis all your own.
HARPAX
coming forward a step . How soon are you going to attend to me?
BALLIO
I’ll attend to you, indeed. Aside. What now do you advise me to do, Simo?
SIMO
aside . Let’s make some fun of this counterfeit spy, even until he himself shall be sensible that he is being made a fool of.
BALLIO
Follow me. To HARPAX. What have you to say? You are his servant, I suppose?
HARPAX
Most certainly.
BALLIO
At what price did he purchase you?
HARPAX
With the victory of his prowess in battle; for I was a very great general at home in my own country.
BALLIO
Why, did he ever capture a gaol in your country?
HARPAX
If you utter affronting speeches, you’ll be hearing them.
BALLIO
In what time did you come from Sicyon hither?
HARPAX
In one day, by noon.
SIMO
Bravo! By my troth, you did come quickly; how very swift of foot this man is.
BALLIO
When you look at his calves, you might know that he can wear heavy fetters. How say you — were you also, when a child, in the habit of sleeping in a cradle?
SIMO
Of course.
BALLIO
And were you, too, in the habit of doing — you know what I mean?
SIMO
Of course he was in the habit of doing as other children did?
HARPAX
Are you men in your senses?
BALLIO
What, because I asked you that? At night, when the Captain was going on guard, and when you were going with him, did the sword of the officer fit your scabbard?
HARPAX
Go to utter perdition.
BALLIO
You, indeed, shall have the opportunity of going there in good time to-day.
HARPAX
But do you bring out the woman to me, or else give me back the money.
BALLIO
Wait a bit.
HARPAX
Why should I wait?
BALLIO
That scarf, tell me for how much it has been lent.
HARPAX
What matters it?
SIMO
How much is the sword hired for?
HARPAX
These fellows surely stand in need of hellebore.
BALLIO
How now — Takes hold of him. HAR. repulsing him . Leave me alone.
BALLIO
What wages does that broad-brimmed hat hire to-day for its owner?
HARPAX
What owner?
SIMO
What do the shoes? * * * * * * *
HARPAX
What are you dreaming about? Why, I’m the owner of all these things, bought with my own savings.
BALLIO
Those, you mean, which the upper part of your thighs supports.
HARPAX
aside . These old fellows have been anointed; they want themselves rubbed down, after the old-fashioned custom.
BALLIO
I’ faith, prithee, answer me this truly and seriously, which I ask of you: What are you to earn? For how trifling a sum has Pseudolus hired you?
HARPAX
Who is this Pseudolus?
BAR.
Your tutor, who has instructed you in this knavery, to take away the woman hence from me by stratagem.
HARPAX
What Pseudolus, and what stratagem are you talking to me about? A person that I know of no colour, black or white.
BALLIO
Will you not be off from here? There’s no profit here for swindlers to-day. Therefore you may tell Pseudolus that another person has carried off the prize-the first Harpax that came.
HARPAX
On my word, I really am that Harpax.
BALLIO
Aye, on my word, you want to be. This is nothing more nor less than a downright impostor.
HARPAX
I have given yourself the money, and a while ago, immediately on my arrival, the token to your servant; a letter sealed with the likeness of my master, here before the door.
BALLIO
You gave a letter to my servant? What servant?
HARPAX
To Syrus.
BALLIO
to SIMO . The wicked rogue has assurance enough. He hasn’t contrived his knavish scheme amiss. By my faith, that whipping-post of a fellow, Pseudolus, how cleverly he has managed his plans; just as much money as the Captain owed, he has given this man, and has dressed out the fellow that he might take away the woman * * * * * * * * To HARPAX. But the real Harpax himself brought that letter hither to me.
HARPAX
My name is Harpax; I am the servant of the Macedonian Captain. I’m doing nothing roguishly or cheatingly, nor do I know or understand this Pseudolus, what mortal being he is.
SIMO
Unless it’s something wonderful, procurer, you’ve clearly lost the woman.
BALLIO
Assuredly, by my troth, I’m in dread of that more and more, when I come to hear his words. I’ faith, that Syrus, too, has already set my heart a-freezing, that received the token from him.
SIMO
’Tis a wonder if it isn’t Pseudolus. To HARPAX. How now, you! of what appearance was the person to whom you delivered the token?
HARPAX
A certain red-haired fellow, pot-bellied, with thick calves, swarthy, with a big head, sharp eyes, red face, and very large feet.
BALLIO
You prove our undoing, when you mention the feet. It was Pseudolus himself. It’s all up with me. I’m dying now, Simo.
HARPAX
By my troth, I shan’t let you die, unless the money’s returned me-twenty minæ.
SIMO
And another twenty minæ to me as well.
BALLIO
to SIMO . And is the sum to be taken of me that I promised by way of a joke?
SIMO
From unprincipled men it’s proper for both their money and their plunder to be taken.
BALLIO
At least you might give up Pseudolus to me.
SIMO
I, give up Pseudolus to you? What has he done amiss? Did I not tell you a hundred times that you were to beware of him?
BALLIO
He has ruined me.
SIMO
And on me he has laid a fine of twenty fair minæ.
BALLIO
What am I to do then?
HARPAX
When you have given me the money — go hang yourself.
BALLIO
The Gods confound you. To HARPAX. Follow me, then, this way, please, to the Forum, that I may pay you.
HARPAX
I follow you.
SIMO
What am I to do?
BALLIO
Strangers I’ll pay at once; to-morrow I’ll settle with fellow-citizens. Pseudolus has been holding a councilgeneral against my life, in sending that fellow to me to-day to carry off the woman. To HARPAX. Do you follow me, To the AUDIENCE. Now don’t you be expecting that I shall be returning home this way. As matters stand, I’ve determined to go through the alleys.
HARPAX
If you had walked at the rate you talk, you’d by this have been at the Forum.
BALLIO
I’m determined to make this, instead of my birthday, my dying day. (Exit BALLIO, HARPAX following.)
SIMO, alone
SIMO
I’ve touched this fellow handsomely, and cleve
rly has my servant managed his adversary. Now am I resolved to lie in ambush for Pseudolus in a different manner to what’s done in other plays, where people lie in wait with goads or whips. Without revenge will I at once pay down the twenty minæ which I promised if he should effect it. I’ll carry them to him of my own accord. This creature is very clever, very cunning, very artful. Pseudolus has surpassed the Trojan stratagem and Ulysses too. Now I’ll be off in-doors. I’ll take out the money; I’ll lie in ambush for Pseudolus. Goes into his house.
ACT V.
Enter PSEUDOLUS, drunk, with a chaplet on his head.
PSEUDOLUS
staggering . How’s this? And is it the fact? Feet-are you standing or not? Or is it this you want, some; one to pick me up here as I lie? But, by my faith, if I do fall down, yours will be the fault. Are you going to go? Heigho! I must wait upon myself. This is the great fault in wine; it first lays hold of the feet; ’tis a cunning wrestler. By my faith, assuredly am I now come off right well drenched; with such exquisite viands, with such becoming elegance, in such a delightful place, have we been delightfully entertained. What’s the need for me to make much prosing? This is the thing for a man, an object for him to pass his life for; here are all pleasures and all delights. I think that the ecstasy is equal to that of the Deities, when the lover embraces his mistress, when he places lip to lip, when melting kisses are exchanged, when breast is pressed to breast, or else, if they please, they are locked in strict embrace; then for your most loving mistress, with her white hand, to be pledging you in the luscious goblet, for no one there to be disagreable to another, for no one to be indulging in silly conversation; for unguents and perfumes, ribbons and festive wreaths, to be provided in profusion; and for the rest of the entertainment, too, to be provided in no niggardly style. That no one may have to question me then, in this manner have myself and my young master been spending this day in jollity. After I had fulfilled all my task just as I intended, the enemy put to flight, I was leaving them reclining and drinking, each lover with his mistress, and my own mistress there as well, indulging heart and soul. But after I had risen, they begged me to dance. After this fashion he dances did I show myself off there quite charmingly, in a master-like style, to wit; for I am thoroughly acquainted with the Ionian step. Thus, clad in my little mantle, full of fun, I was stepping about, this way. Some of them clapped me, others cried out for me to dance again. In that same Ionian fashion once again did I begin to take a turn; I presented myself to my mistress, that she might caress me; as I was pirouetting, down I tumbled: that was the funeral dirge for my sport. And so, while I was a-struggling to get up, near —— , almost, I mean, I soiled my mantle. Then, by my troth, I was the cause of plenteous mirth. A goblet was presented me on account of my fall. Forthwith I changed my mantle, and put on this; thence have I come hither, that I might get rid of my surfeit. Now I’m going to my old master, to put him in mind of our bargain. Open-open the door. Hallo, there! Tell Simo, somebody, that I’m here. Knocks at the door of SIMO’S house.