Complete Works of Plautus
Page 99
PAMPHILUS
How fares it, Epignomus?
EPIGNOMUS
How with you? How long since you came into harbour?
PAMPHILUS
Not very long ago.
EPIGNOMUS
aside . And is it since then that he has become on smooth terms with you?
ANTIPHO
overhearing . More smooth than the sea, on which you have both been borne.
EPIGNOMUS
You do as you are wont to do other things. Do we unlade the ship to-day, brother?
PAMPHILUS
I would rather go quietly to work. Let’s rather lade ourselves with delights in their turn. How soon will the dinner be cooked? I haven’t breakfasted to-day.
EPIGNOMUS
Go in-doors to my house and bathe.
PAMPHILUS
I’ll only step home to my own house, to salute the Gods and my wife. If I do that as I wish, I’ll forthwith return to your house.
EPIGNOMUS
But your wife is hastening to come here with her sister.
PAMPHILUS
’Tis very good; there will then be the less delay on that account. I shall be at your house this instant.
ANTIPHO
to PAMPHILUS. Before you go away, in your presence I wish to relate a single story to him.
EPIGNOMUS
By all means.
ANTIPHO
There was once an old gentleman, just as I now am; he had two daughters, such as mine now are; they were married to two brothers, just as mine now are to yourselves.
PAMPHILUS
I wonder how the story is to turn out?
ANTIPHO
One of these young men had, as you to PAMPHILUS now have, a damsel, a music-girl; he had brought her from abroad, as you have now done. Now, this old gentleman was a widower, just as I now am.
PAMPHILUS
Do proceed; this story is really à propos.
ANTIPHO
Then said this old gentleman to him to whom the music-girl belonged, just as I now say to you ——
PAMPHILUS
I’m listening, and carefully giving heed.
ANTIPHO
“I gave you my daughter, to be a comfortable bedfellow for you; now, I think it fair that one should be given me in return by you, to be my bed-fellow.”
PAMPHILUS
Who says that? Does he say it just as though you were to say it?
ANTIPHO
Just as I now say it to you. “Aye, I’ll give you two of them,” says this young man, “if one’s too little; and if you are not satisfied with two,” says he, “two more shall be added.”
PAMPHILUS
Prithee, who says that? Does he say it just as though I were to say it?
ANTIPHO
He says it just as though you were to say it. Then says this old gentleman, just as though I were to say it, “Well, give me four, if you like, so long only as, i’ faith, you find them something to eat as well, that they mayn’t consume my victuals.”
PAMPHILUS
Why surely it must have been a stingy old chap to say that, in asking food as well of him who promised them to him.
ANTIPHO
Why surely, this young man must have been a good-for-nothing fellow, who forthwith, when the other asked him, refused to give him a grain of wheat. But, i’ troth, the old gentleman asked what was fair, inasmuch as the dowry which he had given to his daughter, he wished him to have as an equivalent for the music-girl.
PAMPHILUS
I’ faith, for sure I really do think that the young man was well advised, who wouldn’t give a mistress to that old fellow in return for the dower.
ANTIPHO
The old gentleman wished, indeed, if he could, to bargain for their maintenance; because he couldn’t, he said he wished it to be done on what terms it might. “Done,” said this young man. “You do me a kindness,” said the old gentleman. “Have I the thing agreed upon?” said he. “I’ll do even as you wish it to be done,” said the other. But I’ll be off in-doors, and congratulate my daughters on your arrival. Then I’ll go wash me at the bath; there will I take all care of my old age; after that, when I’ve bathed, lying down, I’ll await you at my leisure. (Exit.)
PAMPHILUS
A funny mortal, Antipho; how cleverly he did make up his story. Even yet the rogue considers himself a young man. A mistress shall be given to the fellow, to sing to the old chap at night in bed; for, i’ faith, indeed, I know not of what other use a mistress can be to him. But how fares our Parasite, Gelasimus? Is he well, too?
EPIGNOMUS
I’ faith, I saw the fellow not so very long ago.
PAMPHILUS
How fares he?
EPIGNOMUS
Like one half-starved.
PAMPHILUS
Why didn’t you invite the fellow to your house to dinner?
EPIGNOMUS
That on my arrival I mightn’t be wasting anything But see, here’s the wolf in the Fable; here he is in person with his ravenous fit.
PAMPHILUS
We’ll have some sport with the fellow.
EPIGNOMUS
You put me in mind of a plan I had already resolved on.
Enter GELASIMUS.
GELASIMUS
... to the AUDIENCE . But as I had begun to tell you; while I have been absent hence, I’ve now been consulting with my friends and with my relatives. They have been my advisers to the effect that I should this very day kill myself with starvation. But don’t I see Pamphilus with his brother Epignomus? Yes, ’tis he. I’ll accost the man. Goes up to PAMPHILUS. O longed-for Pamphilus! O my salvation! O my life! O my delight! right welcome. I rejoice that you’ve returned safe from abroad to your native land. Welcome.
PAMPHILUS
Welcome, Gelasimus.
GELASIMUS
Have you been quite well?
PAMPHILUS
I have taken good care of my health.
GELASIMUS
I’ troth, I’m glad of it. I’ faith, I confoundedly wish I had now a thousand measures of silver.
EPIGNOMUS
What need have you of it?
GELASIMUS
I’ faith, that I might invite him to dinner, and not invite you.
EPIGNOMUS
You are talking against your own interest.
GELASIMUS
This, then, that I might invite you both * * * * * * for my part * * * * * I should not avoid * * * * * * there is nothing so * as this * * * *
EPIGNOMUS
Troth, now, I’d ask you with pleasure, if there were room left.
GELASIMUS
Well, standing, then, I’ll gobble down a bit in the scramble.
EPIGNOMUS
No, only this one thing can be done.
GELASIMUS
What?
EPIGNOMUS
When the guests have gone, that then you may come ——
GELASIMUS
Hurra! capital!
EPIGNOMUS
To wash the pots, I mean; not to dinner.
GELASIMUS
The Gods confound you! What say you, Pamphilus?
PAMPHILUS
I’ troth, this day I’m engaged to dine elsewhere abroad.
GELASIMUS
How, abroad?
PAMPHILUS
Really abroad, on my word.
GELASIMUS
How the plague do you like, thus wearied, to be supping abroad?
PAMPHILUS
Which do you advise me?
GELASIMUS
Order a dinner to be cooked at home, and word to be sent to him who invited you.
PAMPHILUS
Shall I dine at home, alone?
GELASIMUS
Why, not alone; invite me.
PAMPHILUS
But I’m afraid lest he should scold me, who has been to this expense for my sake.
GELASIMUS
It may easily be excused — only listen to me; do order a dinne
r to be cooked at home.
EPIGNOMUS
. Not by my advice, indeed, will he act so as to disappoint that person this day.
GELASIMUS
Will you not be off from here? Perhaps you suppose that I don’t see what you’re about. Do you look to yourself, please. To PAMPHILUS. How that fellow is gaping after your property just like a hungry wolf. Don’t you know how men are set upon here in the street at night?
PAMPHILUS
So many the more servants will I bid to come and fetch me, that they may protect me.
EPIGNOMUS
He won’t stir — he won’t stir; because you persuade him so earnestly not to go out.
GELASIMUS
Do order a dinner to be cooked at home with all speed for me and for yourself and your wife. Troth, if you do so, I don’t think you’ll say that you are deceived.
PAMPHILUS
So far as that dinner is concerned, Gelasimus, you may be dinnerless to-day.
GELASIMUS
Are you going abroad to dine?
PAMPHILUS
I’m going to dine at my brother’s, hard by.
GELASIMUS
Is that fixed?
PAMPHILUS
Fixed.
GELASIMUS
By my troth, I hope you may be struck with a stone this day.
PAMPHILUS
I’m not afraid; I shall go through the garden; I’ll not go abroad.
EPIGNOMUS
What say you to that, Gelasimus?
GELASIMUS
You’re entertaining your deputies; keep them to yourself.
EPIGNOMUS
Why, faith, ’tis your own business.
GELASIMUS
If, indeed, ’tis my own business, avail yourself of my assistance; invite me.
EPIGNOMUS
By my faith, I see, as I fancy, one place still for yourself only, where you may recline.
PAMPHILUS
Really, I do think it may be managed.
GELASIMUS
O light of the city!
EPIGNOMUS
If you can manage to recline in a small compass.
GELASIMUS
Aye, even between two wedges of iron. As little space as a puppy can lie in, the same will be enough for me.
EPIGNOMUS
I’ll beg for it some way or other; come along. Pulls him along.
GELASIMUS
What? This way?
EPIGNOMUS
Yes, to prison. For here, indeed, you’ll not find any further entertainment. Let’s be off, you Pamphilus.
PAMPHILUS
I’ll but salute the Gods: then I’ll pass through to your house forthwith.
GELASIMUS
What then?
EPIGNOMUS
Why, I said that you might go to prison.
GELASIMUS
Well, if you order it, I’ll go there even.
EPIGNOMUS
Immortal Gods! really, by my troth, this fellow might be induced by a dinner or a breakfast to bear extreme torture.
GELASIMUS
Such is my nature; with anything can I struggle much more easily than with hunger.
EPIGNOMUS
I know it: at my house full long enough has this facility of yours been experienced by me * * * * * * while you were the Parasite of myself and my brother, we ruined our fortunes. Now I don’t wish you to be made by me from a Gelasimus into a Catagelasimus. EPIGNOMUS and PAMPHILUS go into their houses.
GELASIMUS
And are you gone now? Surely he is gone. Now have I need of a wise resolution. Both are gone; consider, Gelasimus, what plan you must adopt. * * * * What, I? Yes, you. What, for myself? Yes, for yourself. Don’t you see how dear provisions are? Don’t you see how the kindness and the heartiness of men have vanished? Don’t you see how drolls are set at nought, and how they themselves are sponged upon? By my troth, not a person shall ever behold me alive on the morrow; for, this instant, in-doors will I load my throat with a bulrush dose. And by this I shall not give cause for men to say that I died of hunger. (Exit.)
ACT V.
Enter STICHUS, and provisions, a table, and couches on the stage.
STICHUS
Foolishly and unwisely is it done in my opinion, if people are in the habit, if they are expecting a person; of looking out for him; faith, ne doesn’t on that account come a bit the faster. I’m now doing that same thing, in looking out for Sagarinus; who, still, for that reason won’t come a jot the faster. Troth, I shall just now be taking my place alone, if he doesn’t come here. I’ll now fetch that cask of wine hither from home, and then I’ll take my place. The day, like snow, is melting away apace. Goes into the house of EPIGNOMUS.
Enter SAGARINUS.
SAGARINUS
Hail! Athens, thou nurse of Greece; country of my master, hail! How joyously do I behold thee. But I have a wish to see how my mistress and fellow-servant, Stephanium, is faring. For I bade Stichus to give her my regards, and to tell her that I should come to-day, so that she might cook a dinner in good time. But, surely, here’s Stichus. with a cask of wine
STICHUS
to himself . A clever thing you did, master, when you presented your servant, Stichus, with this gift. O ye immortal Gods! how many delights do I carry, how many smiles, how many jokes, how many a kiss, dancing, dalliance, and good-fellowship.
SAGARINUS
Stichus, how fare you?
STICHUS
Right well, Sagarinus, most delightfully; I’m bringing Dionysus, as my guest and yours. For, i’ faith, the dinner’s cooked; free range has been given me and you at your house. For at our house there’s an entertainment; your master’s dining there with his wife, and Antipho as well; there, too, is my master. This was given me as a present.Points to the cask.
SAGARINUS
How? Are you dreaming?
STICHUS
I’ faith, I’m telling you the truth.
SAGARINUS
Who then gave you this?
STICHUS
What matters that to you? I wish us this day to wash away everything of foreign climes. Leave them alone; let’s now attend to Athens; follow me. Do you at once make haste, and bathe.
SAGARINUS
I have bathed.
STICHUS
Very good follow me, then, this. way in-doors, Sagarinus.
SAGARINUS
Of course, I follow. By mytroth, this beginning pleases me as I return home; a happy omen and augury has met me in my path. They go into the house of PAMPHILUS.
Enter STEPHANIUM from the house of EPIGNOMUS.
STEPHANIUM
to the AUDIENCE . I wish that it may appear wondrous to no one of you, Spectators, why I who live there pointing to the house of PAMPHILUS am come out hither from this other house: I’ll inform you thereon. Just now was I sent for to this house by the back way. For as soon as news was brought that the husbands of these ladies were about to come, we all hurried thither. We attended to laying the couches, and setting all in order. Still, amid these duties, I had a care for my friends, Stichus and my fellow-servant Sagarinus, that their dinner should be cooked. Stichus has been caterer; but for cooking it, I’ve appointed one my deputy. Now, I’ll be off hence, and attend to my friends, who, I see, are coming here. Goes into the house of PAMPHILUS.
Enter STICHUS and SAGARINUS from the house of PAMPHILUS with provisions, a PIPER following.
SAGARINUS
Come, out of doors with you; lead on the procession. Stichus, I appoint you commander of the cask. I’m resolved to prove our banquet in every fashion this day. So may the Gods love me, we are well entertained in being feasted in this place. I will that each person that passes by shall be invited to join the banquet.
STICHUS
Agreed, so long only as, i’ faith, each man comes with his own wine; for of this, a mouthful shall be given to no person but ourselves, this day. Eating alone, let’s wait upon ourselves.
SAGARINUS
This banq
uet, for our means, is quite sufficient, with its nuts, beans, figs, a dish of olives, pounded lupines, and a cake.
STICHUS
It better becomes a man who is a slave to bring his expenses within moderation than beyond. Each one to his own station; they, who have wealth at home, drink from cups, goblets, and bowls; we, if we are now drinking from our Samian jug, still build our walls according to our means.
SAGARINUS
But while she who is your mistress and mine is arranging her hair, and bedecking herself, I wish us to have some diversion among ourselves. I appoint you the commander of this feast.
STICHUS
Very aptly does it suggest itself to your mind.
SAGARINUS
Wouldn’t we be more suitably entertained like Cynics on benches here, than upon couches?
STICHUS
Aye, but this is far the most pleasant.
SAGARINUS
On which side is each of us to recline by our mistress?
STICHUS
Of course you go to the upper place. And, so that you may understand it, I make a division with you on these terms: consider, and take which province you would even like now to take. They take their places.
SAGARINUS
But what’s your meaning about this “province?”
STICHUS
Whether you would choose to hold the command over the water or over Bacchus.
SAGARINUS
Over Bacchus, most distinctly. But, in the meantime, general of ours, why stands this goblet here? See how many cups we have drunk.
STICHUS
As many as there are fingers on your hand. The Greek song is, “Drink either your five cups or your three, but not your four.”
SAGARINUS
about to drink . I pledge you. Do you take for yourself the tenth part from the fountain, if you are wise. Here’s luck to you, luck to us; here’s luck to thee, luck to me; luck to our Stephanium as well.
STICHUS
’Tis bravely done. I pledge you in a goblet. Drinks.
SAGARINUS
Keep your wine; I’d very much like something by way of a relish.
STICHUS
If you are not satisfied with what’s here, there’s nothing else. Take some water.
SAGARINUS
You say right; I care for no dainties. Drink away, Piper; drink, if you do drink. I’ faith, this must be drunk — don’t shirk it. Holds the goblet to the PIPER. Why flinch at what you see must be done by you? Why don’t you drink? Do it, if you are to do it. Take it, I tell you, for the public pays for this. That’s not your way to shirk your drink. Take your pipes out of your mouth. The PIPER drinks.