Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  PHRONESIUM

  Are you dissatisfied with the number of female slaves I have already, that you must be still making additions to the number, to be devouring food for me?

  STRATOPHANES

  I’ troth, if this indeed isn’t acceptable to you, you boy beckoning to the SERVANT , do you give me that bag. See here, my love, I’ve brought this mantle from Panchæa for you. Take it for yourself. He presents it to her.

  PHRONESIUM

  What, is so little as this to be given me in return for pain so great?

  STRATOPHANES

  aside . I’ faith, to my misfortune, I’m undone! My son’s already costing me his weight in gold. To PHRONESIUM. Do you still set such little value on me? I’ve brought you a purple garment from Sarra, and two pretty ones from Pontus. Takes the garments from the SERVANT, and presents them. Take this for yourself, my love. To the SERVANT. Take those Syrian women hence out of my sight. The SERVANT takes them into the house. Do you love me at all?

  PHRONESIUM

  Not at all, i’ faith; nor do you deserve it.

  STRATOPHANES

  aside . What, is nothing enough for her? Really, to myself she hasn’t even said one word. I do believe that these presents would sell for more than twenty minæ, which I have given her. Now she’s desperately enraged with me I perceive and understand it; but I’ll address her still. To PHRONESIUM. What say you then? Do you wish me, my love, to go to dinner where I was invited, and after that to return hither to your house to sleep? Why are you silent? Aside. I’ troth, beyond a doubt, I’m undone. But what fine affair is this? Who’s this fellow that’s leading such a long train? I’m resolved to watch whither they are taking it. It’s being brought to her, I do believe; but I’ll soon know more. He stands at a distance.

  Enter GETA, at a distance, followed by SLAVES with presents from DINARCHUS.

  GETA

  Get on, get on this way together with you, mules laden with money only to be squandered, you emptyers out of the house, you carriers off of property by waggon-loads! To the AUDIENCE. And can’t he who is in love do without being good for nought, and cleaning himself out by his disgraceful practices? But how I know this, don’t any one be asking that of me; we’ve a lover at home, who’s engaged in disgraceful pursuits; who esteems property just as dung: he’s in dread of the public officers; most cleanly in his ways is he. He wishes his house to be cleaned out; whatever he has at home, it’s swept completely “dehors.” Since he himself is sending his own self to ruin, for my part, i’ faith, I’ll help him by stealth, and not through my assistance, indeed, shall he be ruined e’en a bit the less speedily than he may. For now from these provisions, from the one mina I’ve just now abstracted five didrachms; I’ve deducted for myself the Herculean share. But this is just like as though a person should turn off a stream for himself from a river; if it is not turned off into a channel, still all that water would go into the sea. For this is going into the sea, and is being utterly wasted to no good purpose whatever. When I see these things going on, I pilfer, I purloin, from plunder I plunder take. I take a harlot to be just like what the sea is; what you give her she swallows down, and yet never overflows. But this at least the sea does preserve; what’s in it is seen. Give her as much as ever you please, it’s never seen either by the giver or the acceptor. For instance, this harlot by her blandishments has reduced my poor master to poverty; has robbed him of fortune, life, honor, and friends. Catching sight of her. Heyday! why look, she’s close by. I do think she has heard me saying all this. She’s pale, as she has been delivered of a child. I’ll address her, as though I didn’t know her. Addressing PHRONESIUM. I present you my respects.

  PHRONESIUM

  Our Geta, what is it you’re about? How are you?

  GETA

  I’m well, and I’m come to one who’s not so well, and I’m bringing something with which she may get well. My master, the apple of your eye, bade me bring these presents to you, which you see those persons carrying, and these five minæ of silver.

  PHRONESIUM

  I’ faith, it’s not thrown away, that I’m so very fond of him.

  GETA

  He bade me beg that you would accept these in kind part.

  PHRONESIUM

  I’ troth, I do accept them kindly and thankfully. To CYAMUS, who comes out of the house. Go, Cyamus, and order them to be taken in-doors. Do you hear at all this which has been ordered? The SERVANTS take up the things.

  GETA

  I don’t want them to take away the vessels; I’d like to have them emptied.

  PHRONESIUM

  An impudent fellow, i’ faith, how busy he is.

  GETA

  What? do you say that I’m impudent, you who yourself are a receptacle of villany?

  PHRONESIUM

  Tell me, I beg of you, where is Dinarchus?

  GETA

  At home.

  PHRONESIUM

  Tell him, that, for these presents which he has sent me, I love him the most of all men, and that in return I hold him in the highest esteem of all, and entreat that he will come hither to me.

  GETA

  This instant. But who’s that person, pray (looking towards STRATOPHANES) , that’s devouring himself, scowling with malignant eyes I’ faith, the man’s distressed in his mind, whoever he is.

  PHRONESIUM

  I’ troth, he’s deserving of it.

  GETA

  What’s the matter?

  PHRONESIUM

  Prithee, don’t you know? He that’s yonder used to live with me; he, there, is the father of my child. He ordered it to be brought up till about a before-daylight breakfast. I waited his coming, I listened to his injunctions; I attended to the child.

  GETA

  The good-for-nothing fellow that I knew so well, prithee, is that he?

  PHRONESIUM

  That’s he.

  GETA

  He looks at me as he groans. He heaved a sigh from the very bottom of his breast. Observe that now; he gnashes his teeth; he strikes his thigh. Prithee, is he deranged, that he’s beating his own self?

  STRATOPHANES

  coming forward . Now will I at once summon up my ungovernable indignation and my wrath from my breast! To GETA. Say, whence are you? To whom do you belong? Why have you dared to speak rudely against me?

  GETA

  It’s my pleasure.

  STRATOPHANES

  Do you answer me in that way?

  GETA

  In this way snaps his fingers ; I don’t care one straw for you.

  STRATOPHANES

  to PHRONESIUM. What say you? Why have you dared to say that you love another man?

  PHRONESIUM

  I chose to.

  STRATOPHANES

  Say you so, indeed? I’ll first make trial of that. Do you, for the sake of such a shabby present, vegetables, and comestibles, and vinegar-water, bestow your love upon an effeminate, frizzle-pated, dark-haunt frequenting, drum-drubbing debauchee, a fellow not worth a nutshell?

  GETA

  What new thing’s this? Do you dare, you rogue, to speak ill of my master, you spring-head of vice and perjury?

  STRATOPHANES

  Add a single word to that; by the powers, I’ll that instant here with this cut you up into mincemeat upon the spot. Shaking his sword at him.

  GETA

  Only touch me; I’ll that instant be making a lamb of you on the spot, and I’ll slice you asunder in the middle. If you have the renown of a warrior with your troops, still I’m a Mars in the kitchen.

  PHRONESIUM

  to STRATOPHANES. If you did the thing that’s right, you’d not be abusing my visitors, whose gifts I hold as acceptable and pleasing, and your own which I have received of you as unacceptable.

  STRATOPHANES

  Then, i’ faith, I’m both deprived of my presents and undone as well!

  GETA

  Clearly it is so.

  PHRONESIUM

  Why then are you now here, with y
our annoyance, who confess that you are worsted in every point?

  STRATOPHANES

  aside . I’ faith, I’m this day undone, if I don’t drive this fellow away from you. He approaches GETA.

  GETA

  holding up his fist . Only approach this way; only step this way!

  STRATOPHANES

  Scoundrelly fellow, threatening even? Whom this very, very, very instant I’ll be chopping up into splinters. What business have you coming here? What business have you to approach her? Pointing to PHRONESIUM. What business have you, I say, to be knowing my mistress? You shall die this instant if you make the slightest movement with your hand.

  GETA

  Why shouldn’t I move my hand?

  STRATOPHANES

  Do as I commanded; stop; I’ll this instant cut you up into mincemeat on the spot.

  GETA

  aside . I’m done for. STRAT. ‘Twere best to be off.

  GETA

  It’s a ticklish point; you have a longer sword there than this is pointing to a knife in his girdle ; but just let me go seek a spit, if indeed I must be having a battle with you. I’ll be off home. Warrior, for me and you I’ll choose an impartial judge. Aside. But why am I delaying to betake myself off hence, while with a safe inside I may? (Exit.)

  PHRONESIUM and STRATOPHANES.

  PHRONESIUM

  to her SERVANTS . Give me my sandals, and take me at once in-doors; for my head aches shockingly from the air.

  STRATOPHANES

  What’s to become of me, to whom the two female slaves cause ache enough, with which I presented you? PHRONESIUM is led into the house. Are you off then? Well thus one’s used in return. How can you possibly shut me out, The door is slammed to. Prithee, can anything be more clear than that I’m now shut out? I’m finely fooled. Be it so. With how little difficulty placing his foot against the door might I now be persuaded to break the ankles of this entire mansion! Do the manners of covetous women change at all? Since she has brought forth a son, she has plucked her spirit up. Now it’s as though she said to me, “I neither ask you nor forbid you to come into the house.” But I won’t — I shan’t go — I’ll make her to be saying in a very few days that I’m a cruel man. To his ATTENDANTS. Follow me this way. A word’s enough. (Exit.)

  ACT III.

  Enter STRABAX.

  STRABAX

  to himself . One morning a short time since my father ordered me to go hence, to deal out the mast for food for the oxen. After I got there a person arrived at the farmhouse (so it pleased the Gods), who was owing money to my father, who had formerly purchased some Tarentine sheep of my father; he asked for my father; I said he was in the city; I enquired what he wanted with him. The fellow takes a purse from off his neck, and gives me twenty minæ; with pleasure I receive them, and stow them in my purse; these bad sheep, the minæ, have I brought in my purse hither to the city. By my troth, Mars has proved very angry with my father; for his sheep are not very far away from the wolves. Now, with this one stroke shall I send adrift those finical town gallants, and be bundling them all out of doors. My father, in the first place, I’m quite resolved to ruin, root and branch; then next in turn, my mother. Now to-day I’ll carry this money to her whom I love more than my own mother. Goes towards the door of PHRONESIUM, and knocks. Hillo there — is any one here? There’s not a woman. Is any one going to open this door? opens the door.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Why so a stranger, pray, my dear Strabax? Why don’t you come in at once? Ought you to have been doing so, you, indeed, who are so intimate?

  STRABAX

  I’ll go in then, that you mayn’t think I’m loitering. Goes into the house.

  ASTAPHIUM

  You act obligingly.

  Enter STRATILAX.

  STRATOPHANES

  to himself . It seems marvellous to me, that Strabax, my master’s son, hasn’t returned from the country, unless perchance he has slily slipt in here into this den of corruption of his.

  ASTAPHIUM

  aside . Now, faith, he’ll be roaring at me if he espies me.

  STRATOPHANES

  I’m much less savage now, Astaphium, than I was before; I’m not churlish now; don’t thee fear. She runs to a distance. What wouldst thee be at? What?

  ASTAPHIUM

  What, say you? Why, I’m waiting for your churlishness.

  STRATOPHANES

  Say, command me what thee dost please, and in what way thee dost please. I’ve got all my manners anew: my old ones I’ve parted with. I can e’en fall in love, or take a mistress now.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Upon my faith, you do tell me fine news. But tell me, have you —— ?

  STRATOPHANES

  A mistress, perhaps, thee means.

  ASTAPHIUM

  You’ve understood nicely what I meant to say.

  STRATOPHANES

  Hark you, since I’ve been so many times backwards and forwards to the city, I’ve become quite a chatterer; I’m now a right good stalkers.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Prithee, what’s that? That’s nonsense; perhaps you intend to mean “talking.”

  STRATOPHANES

  Just so; it differs mighty little from stalking.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Prithee, do follow me in-doors, my love.

  STRATOPHANES

  holding out some money to her . Take this for thyself; keep it as a ledger for thee, that thee mayst give me thy company this night.

  ASTAPHIUM

  taking the money . You are the death of me, with your “ledger.” What kind of beast am I to say that is? Thy don’t you say “pledge?”

  STRATOPHANES

  The “r” I make a saving of; just as the Prænestines have “conia,” for “ciconia.”

  ASTAPHIUM

  Prithee, do follow me.

  STRATOPHANES

  I’ll wait here a little for Strabax, till he comes from the farm.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Why, Strabax is at our house. He has just come from the farm.

  STRATOPHANES

  What, before he went to his own mother? Alas, the man’s worth nought, i’ faith.

  ASTAPHIUM

  What now, your old habit?

  STRATOPHANES

  Well, I’ll say nought.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Prithee, do come indoors. Give me your hand. Takes his hand.

  STRATOPHANES

  Well, take it. To the AUDIENCE. I’m being led off into a public-house, where I shall be but poorly entertained for my money. They go into the house of PHRONESIUM.

  ACT IV.

  Enter DINARCHUS.

  DIN,

  to himself . There’s not a person born, nor will there be born, nor can there be found one, to whom I would now wish praises to be given, or on whom attentions bestowed, rather than on Venus. Ye great Gods, how joyous I am, and how I’m transported with joyousness! Such great tidings of joy has Cyamus brought to me this day; that my presents have been esteemed and deemed acceptable by Phronesium. While this now is a delight, then besides this in especial is rare honey-drink to me, that the Captain’s presents are held as disagreable and not acceptable. I’m all enraptured! The ball’s my own; if the Captain’s sent adrift, the woman will be mine. I’m saved, because I’m going to ruin; if I didn’t go to ruin, it’s clear I should die. Now I’ll keep watch, what’s going on there, who goes into the house, who comes out of doors; from here at a distance will I observe what is to be my lot. Because I’ve got nothing, my feelings remind me of one thing; I’ll do everything by begging.

  Enter ASTAPHIUM, from the house of PHRONESIUM.

  ASTAPHIUM

  speaking to her MISTRESS as she comes out . I’ll cleverly do my duty, mistress; do you only take care that in-doors you do yours as well; love that which you ought, your own interest; clean that fellow thoroughly out. Now, while it pleases the fellow, while he has got something, adapt the opportunity to that purpose. Display all your charms to your lover that you may height
en his joys. I meantime will stay here behind and watch at this door so long as he is thus transporting his presents home to you; nor, in the meantime, will I admit any one from there to you who may cause you annoyance. Do you go on, just as you please. Are you not diddling these fellows?

  DINARCHUS

  How now, Astaphium, tell me, who is this fellow that’s on the road to ruin?

  ASTAPHIUM

  Prithee, were you here?

  DINARCHUS

  What — am I troublesome?

  ASTAPHIUM

  More now than you were; for unless a person is of use to us, he is troublesome to us. But, prithee, do lend me your attention, that I may say what I want.

  DINARCHUS

  Why, what is it? Does it concern myself?

  ASTAPHIUM

  Not a rap. But what hauls he is making present of m-doors.

  DINARCHUS

  How? Some new lover?

  ASTAPHIUM

  A fresh one, and a brimming treasure she has hit upon.

  DINARCHUS

  Who is he?

  ASTAPHIUM

  I’ll tell you, but you be mum. Don’t you know this Strabax? Pointing to his FATHER’S house.

  DINARCHUS

  Why shouldn’t I?

  ASTAPHIUM

  He alone rules the roast here at our house. He just now is a landed estate to us. With right good spirit is he wantonly wasting away his property.

  DINARCHUS

  He’s on the road to ruin; i’ faith, I, too, have come to ruin.

  ASTAPHIUM

  You are a simpleton, to expect with words to make undone what is done.

  DINARCHUS

  Even Thetis, too, in weeping, made lamentation for her son. Can I not now be admitted in-doors to your house?

  ASTAPHIUM

  Why so rather than the Captain?

  DINARCHUS

  Why, because I’ve given more.

  ASTAPHIUM

  But you were admitted more, when you were giving more; let those who give, in return for that which they give, enjoy our services. You’ve learnt your letters; since you know them yourself, let others learn them.