"It's taken care of," Fox said firmly. "The Harlequins look after their own."
"Are you saying my gang membership comes with a health care plan?" I teased but when neither of them laughed, my amusement fell into a frown. "What aren't you telling me?"
"You should get some more rest," JJ said softly, tugging on my blankets to tuck me in better.
"Just spit it out," I demanded as he avoided my eye and Fox sighed, dropping into a chair beside my bed and giving me an intent look.
"They called off the search, hummingbird. They've stopped looking for survivors in the rubble," he explained slowly.
"So?" I demanded. I might have been out of it a lot, but I'd had enough lucid moments to understand that it must have been days since they'd pulled me out of that building.
"So...Chase didn't make it out," Fox breathed, his face written with pain as those words passed his lips.
I heard them. I understood them. But they didn't make it beyond that part of my brain. I interpreted the words, and I knew what they meant but I rejected them as fast as I computed them.
"No," I said simply.
I'd been away from my boys before. I'd been far away and aching for them and hurting over all they'd done, but deep down inside me I'd still felt them there. Sometimes it felt like a splinter of glass driving into my heart and other times like a kiss whispered across my lips while I slept, but either way, I felt them. I felt them then and now and always and I still felt him.
"No," I repeated more firmly.
"Pretty girl," JJ croaked, his hand finding mine again and his honey brown eyes filling with tears as he looked up at me with more hurt in his heart than I'd ever thought possible. "We stayed out there for days. We didn't sleep, hardly ate...all we did was dig and dig, but it's been too long. The rubble is too dense. The authorities called off the search for survivors and-"
"No!" I yelled at him, snatching my hand out of his and slapping him when he fought to take it again.
JJ jerked back at the feeling of my palm striking his cheek, the pain in his eyes cutting into me like razor blades, but I didn't care. Because it shouldn't have been there at all. There was no need for it.
"I feel him," I snarled, jabbing my chest above my heart so hard that it hurt. "He's still here, which means he's still out there. So stop looking at me like that and let's go and find him."
I grabbed the line attaching the needle to my hand and yanked it out, cursing at the pain of it but throwing the blankets off of me without even looking to see how much I was bleeding.
I just needed to get out there. I could find him. This hurt in my heart was tethered to him and it would draw me to him. All I had to do was get back out there and I knew I'd figure it out. He was waiting for us to save him. I could feel it. And I wasn't going to let him down no matter what other shit had passed between us.
Fox and JJ grabbed me, trying to wrestle me back into the bed but I smacked their hands and knocked them away, ignoring the things they were saying to me as I focused on the only thing that mattered.
Chase was out there somewhere, and he needed me.
That was all I cared about.
I shoved out of the bed, but a cry escaped me as I tried to stand and my legs gave way, leaving me to crash to the floor.
Pain radiated through my feet and legs, clearly the result of the hours I'd spent trapped in that hell in those fucking shoes, unable to do anything other than stand in them and slump against the walls in agony.
Strong arms banded around me and I was hoisted back off of the ground just as the door swung open and several nurses and a doctor hurried in.
"Let me go," I demanded, fighting against Fox as he shoved me down onto the bed, ignoring the way my fingernails were slicing into the skin of his arms as I thrashed and tried to force him to release me.
I was vaguely aware of JJ informing the nurse about what was happening and people rushing all around me as Fox shoved me down against the mattress and used his weight on my shoulders to keep me there.
"We'll give her a sedative," the doctor said between my yells and I started cursing.
"Let me go!" I screamed. "I'm warning you, Fox, I'll never forgive you for this if you don't take me out there! He needs us! Chase needs us!"
Fox shushed me, his eyes brimming with emotion as the sharp scratch of a needle drove into my arm.
"You need to rest, hummingbird," he said, his grip on me only loosening when the drugs began to steal the strength from my limbs and all I could do was glare at him as I slumped back against the bed.
"I'm so sorry, pretty girl," JJ choked out, wrapping his fingers between mine as a long blink slipped across my vision.
I turned my gaze to him as a tear finally slipped free of my control and tracked a path down my cheek.
"He saved me," I breathed, my voice so low that even I couldn't hear it and JJ's brow furrowed as he leaned in, trying to catch the words.
I blinked once more and this time, I couldn't open my eyes again after. My fingers fell slack in JJ's grip and the only thing I was left with in the dark was pain.
Memories of the boy I'd lost welled up in my heart and I slipped away from consciousness with them destroying me, two bright blue eyes staring back into my soul from that corner of my heart which would always belong to Chase Cohen.
He saved me.
And now he was gone.
T he weeks slipped by and I felt like my chest was in a vice, the metal closing over my heart tighter and tighter day by day. JJ was still angry with me, and Rogue seemed so broken that I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to juggle the running of the Crew and the attacks across town from Shawn’s gang while starting to rebuild something normal in my home. It was impossibly hard and left me exhausted, every moment of every day another trial I had to weather.
JJ spent a lot time out of the house and when he was here, he headed off into Chase’s room with Rogue where they’d talk about old times and I’d find myself listening at the door, wishing I belonged in that room with them. But I didn’t. I was an outsider to this grief, unwelcome to it because of the actions I’d taken against Chase. I knew deep down JJ just needed someone to punish, to blame, but weeks of his anger and rejection were taking its toll on me. So today I wanted to try and fix it.
I headed upstairs with a plate of nachos, walking to Chase’s room with my heart ripping down the middle. JJ’s anger had only burned a deeper hole of guilt in my chest over Chase than I’d already been subjected to. But I couldn’t regret what I’d done. I couldn’t have known things would end up this way, and it wasn’t my fault that he’d been at The Dollhouse the night Shawn had brought it down.
The fact that he’d saved Rogue left my head spinning and placed an ache in me which I tried not to examine. I couldn’t grieve in a normal way, not when I’d put Chase on his knees outside this house and pressed a gun to his head. I’d been so close to pulling that trigger, and I’d wondered afterwards if I should have. Because traitors didn’t get second chances in this Crew and he hadn’t just betrayed me and JJ, he’d betrayed Rogue. He’d hurt Rogue. And that was unforgiveable, no matter what way I looked at it.
I knocked on the door and Rogue and JJ’s voices fell quiet.
“Can I come in?” I asked when neither of them said anything.
“No,” JJ said just as Rogue said, “Yes.”
I opened the door and found them lying close to one another on Chase’s bed, a fact that set a line of jealousy scoring through my heart. But I didn’t say anything. JJ wouldn’t lay his hands on her, he knew better than that. And I knew they needed each other to get through this grief, I just wished I could be a part of it.
Rogue was wearing one of Chase’s black band t-shirts with knee high socks. Her eyes were puffy as she sat up and JJ looked pointedly at the ceiling, ignoring me. Mutt was laid out on the end of the bed on one of Chase’s blankets, upside down and sniffing the air as I brought the nachos closer. He didn’t ever spend any time with me anymore, even my chicken tre
ats not enough to buy his love. He started vomiting up his chicken in the mornings sometimes too and I swear he looked me in the eye while he did like he was punishing me. He’d never gotten over me shouting at him when I’d almost shot Chase and I swear he was going to hold it against me until the end of time.
“I got you something to eat,” I said, offering the food to them.
Rogue took it with a sad smile of thanks and my gaze moved to JJ.
“Can I talk to you, brother?” I asked.
“Is it Crew business?” he asked.
“No.”
“Then no,” he said simply, placing a hand behind his head as his eyes slid onto me, full of iciness. I’d never really experienced being on the end of JJ’s wrath, and I didn’t much like it.
“Just talk to me,” I commanded.
“I said no,” he gritted out.
“JJ,” Rogue tried gently, but he only shook his head.
Mutt jumped up, moving to try and snag a nacho as Rogue placed them down on the nightstand. My gaze snagged on a photo sat there of the three of us – me, Chase and JJ on a night out a few years back. We were all laughing, our arms slung around each other and in that shot you could hardly even see the emptiness in my soul where Rogue should have been. We looked happy, like a family, unbreakable. My jaw tightened and my heart crushed to dust. I turned my head away, needing to look anywhere else and my gaze settled on JJ once more. If he wouldn’t talk to me in private, then I’d just have to say my piece right here.
“I know you’re angry with me,” I started.
“Wow, you should have been a private investigator, brother,” he said dryly.
“Can you at least fucking look at me?” I growled, unable to contain my frustration.
“Yes, boss,” he said, his eyes moving onto me as he sneered. Great, this was fucking worse.
“You have to know everything I do is to protect us, I never wanted any of this,” I said earnestly. “I have a duty to our family, it wasn’t easy to banish him.”
“I get why you did it, Fox,” JJ said in an empty sort of voice. “But maybe I’m getting tired of you doing things in our best interest without consulting us first.”
I bit back my immediate snippy response and tried to hear him out, looking to Rogue as she nodded her agreement.
Give me fucking patience.
“Go on then,” I growled, folding my arms as I gazed at them both. “Give me hell, tell me what an asshole I am.”
They shared a look, seeming intrigued by that idea and Rogue started it off.
“You’re an overbearing, bossy dick,” she said and I nodded, figuring that was fair.
“You’re controlling and domineering, and you don’t listen to anything we fucking say,” JJ snarled next.
“You think just because you’re the Harlequin prince, you can treat us like you treat all the rest of your men,” Rogue said with pursed lips.
“And you call us family, but when it comes down to it, you won’t listen to our opinions because you think the great Fox Harlequin knows best. Always. Even when you fucking don’t,” JJ snapped, venom in his eyes.
“I’m just trying to protect you,” I said heavily, feeling the sting of their words.
“Your way of protecting us is sometimes suffocating,” Rogue said, though her tone softened a little as she gazed at me.
“Don’t spare his feelings, pretty girl, it’s always suffocating,” JJ said with a glare.
“Alright,” I growled. “I’ll try to be less…controlling. Is that what you wanna hear?”
JJ shoved to his feet, stalking toward me and for a moment I thought he was gonna start another fight with me. “No, Fox. Because it’s too late. Chase is gone. Maverick’s gone. And this house is starting to feel real empty.”
“And that’s my fault?” I snarled.
“Maybe it is. And maybe you’re gonna wake up alone in this big old house and wonder why one day, because you just can’t see it, can you?” he hissed then shoulder barged past me and headed out the door, his footsteps pounding off downstairs as my heart jerked.
I looked to Rogue, heat rising up the back of my neck. I turned to leave but she called out to me, “Wait. Stay.”
Those two words meant more to me right then than she would ever know. Between gang meetings and handling the attacks on our hometown, plus wrestling with the cloying grief and guilt that plagued me over Chase, I barely slept and spent way too much time alone.
I was trying so hard to hold myself together so I could keep the last of my family safe, that I had barely spent any time with Rogue, unsure if she even wanted me around.
She patted the bed beside her and I moved into the spot JJ had vacated. She slid closer, wrapping her arm around me and resting her head on my chest. The cold clutch of grief on my heart eased a little as the scent of coconut slid under my nose and I just closed my eyes and held her, wishing I could take her pain away, trap it in a jar, weigh it down with rocks and throw it into the ocean.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed, meaning that on so many levels. “Don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Fox,” she sighed. “It’s not your fault. JJ just needs someone to be angry at right now.”
“I know,” I admitted. “And I’ll be his punching bag if that’s what helps him through this.”
Silence fell between us and I listened to Rogue’s soft breaths as I held her close, so fucking tired I wished I could fall asleep. But I had a hundred things to do today, responsibilities I couldn’t escape, but I so badly wanted to. For now, I’d steal a little peace with my girl as our grief spilled between us and bound us together in a new way that I’d never wanted.
“I don’t think I can bear it, Fox,” she whispered. “It doesn’t seem real. I can still feel him right here.” She moved a hand to her heart and I took hold of her fingers, moving them onto my own heart.
“I feel him too,” I said gently.
The last human remains had been pulled from the ruins of The Dollhouse last week, but there was nothing identifiable among them. The bodies had been so badly damaged in the collapse that the police were going to be using dental records and DNA to try and identify the final missing people. But when it came down to it, they’d all been declared dead and that was that. Either way, we had no body to bury, no grave to give us closure. He was just…gone. And maybe that was why we were all so lost in this house, we were waiting for a call that wasn’t going to come. Holding onto the futile hope that he might just walk back in the front door one day, because it didn’t seem possible that he wasn’t a part of this world anymore.
Hot tears ran over my chest and I held Rogue tighter as she came apart.
“He saved me,” she choked out. “That was the last thing he did, and I know he hurt me before and that he was a raging asshole sometimes but…” She didn’t have words to finish that sentence and I just soaked in the weight of that final thing he’d done, wishing I could thank him for it.
A crash sounded and Rogue lifted her head as we wheeled around, finding Mutt had knocked the nachos onto the floor and he dove down after them with a yip of celebration before he tucked into his meal.
A low laugh escaped me, breaking the tension in my body and Rogue chuckled too, her watery eyes lighting up a little.
She looked back at me and traced her thumb over the corner of my lips where the smallest of smiles sat.
“Go talk to JJ,” she urged. “I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “Though I don’t think it’ll do much good.”
“It will,” she said firmly. “Just don’t be an asshole.”
“Impossible,” I said with something of a smirk and she returned it.
“I have faith in you, Badger.” She got off the bed, heading into Chase’s en suite and leaving Mutt to his meal.
I headed out of the room and shut the door, walking downstairs to find my brother. I didn’t really know what I could say to fix things between us, but I had to try even if he didn’t wanna
hear it.
I found him sitting with his feet in the pool on the patio, smoking Chase’s cigarettes and staring at the water like it held the key to curing his misery. The sky was dark today, the air heavy with the promise of rain and the humidity made my skin prickle. I noticed he was wearing one of Chase’s wife beaters and I guessed he and Rogue were just trying to surround themselves with him for as long as they could before they had to let go. It wasn’t like I wanted to move on, but maybe it was time we tried to say goodbye. Though the mere thought of that sent a sharp pain daggering through my chest.
I moved to sit beside him, swiping a cigarette from the box and lighting it up with the green lighter inside it which was covered in palm trees. I decided talking probably wasn’t my best form of action as I only seemed to piss him off when I tried that, so I just sat there, hoping he’d bridge the silence between us and the chasm of anger he felt for me.
“He’d have hated this,” JJ said eventually. “Us all sitting around moping. He always said he wanted us to throw a party if he died.”
I released a soft breath of amusement. “Yeah, and he said we needed to leave a glass of rum out for him night after night so his ghost could get drunk.”
JJ chuckled, but the sound quickly died in his throat and he hung his head, his hair falling forward into his eyes. He looked so broken and I felt a crevice opening in my own soul for Chase, for JJ, Rogue.
“You’re not really to blame,” JJ croaked. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.”
“That’s okay,” I said, knocking my shoulder against his. “It makes a change from me being one.”
He released a cracked laugh and I rested a hand on his back, taking a long toke on my cigarette. It tasted like acid and loss, but I swallowed it down, owning what I’d done. I couldn’t regret it. My decisions had to be made with full confidence because if I waivered on them at all, I’d weaken my authority in the Crew. There were rules for a reason and though I’d never wanted to become my father, I knew why he’d made some of the decisions he had when we were kids. Some things were worth being hated for. And there was no reality that existed where I could have pardoned Chase for his crimes. A traitor was a traitor, brother or otherwise. I’d spared his life and fate had taken it anyway. I had no choice but to live with that.
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 4