“Ooh hookers.” The gun pulled away from my face and I cracked open my only working eye and found Shawn standing up with a childish grin on his face. “You can have some time to enjoy that broken leg, pretty eyes. I’ll kill you the next time I’m here.” He made sure to kick my bad leg before striding to the door and I bit down on a pained yell as I almost blacked out from the agony.
He headed upstairs and I was fairly sure I passed out because the next thing I knew, soft hands were pushing some hair away from my forehead and I found Mabel there.
I looked at her in surprise as she took my hand, unsure why she hadn’t seemed to think any worse of me even after I’d told her what I’d done to Rogue and my friends.
“We’ll find a way out of this, Chase,” she said assuredly, but as she glanced down at my fucked up leg, her brow furrowed with a look that told me exactly how condemned I was. I knew it. She knew it. Fucking Shawn knew it. And it was soon going to be time to face the music.
I realised leaving her down here was one of the worst things about Shawn coming to kill me the next time he was here. She didn’t deserve that. She had a good heart and had lost the final years of her life to this prison.
“I’m sorry I can’t get you out of here,” I whispered to her and she squeezed my fingers.
“Oh sweet boy,” she sighed. “Life is too short to be sorry for things that aren’t your fault.”
I stood in front of the mirror in my room at Harlequin House, fiddling with the tumble of curls that I'd styled my rainbow hair into as I got ready for my night out with Tatum.
Today was a better day.
I was wearing a pair of pale denim dungarees, the strings from the shorts part trailing down my thighs and tickling my tattoos. I'd opted for a no bra situation despite the way my brain kept filling with thoughts of what fucking Shawn would say to the side boob I was currently flashing.
I hated that he still lived in my head like that sometimes. I couldn't even figure out if I was showing more skin to prove a point to myself about not having to bow to his bullshit anymore, or if I was just picking something I wanted to wear for myself.
Mutt whimpered from his position on the bed as I fell into the trap of my reflection, and I swallowed thickly before taking the flick knife Fox had given me and slipping it into my pocket.
Tatum was going to swing by and pick me up in half an hour on her way to the underground cage fighting place and I was caught between excitement over going and the crippling need to crawl back under my bed covers and cry some more.
But I'd done enough of that last night. I'd fallen into the dark in me and I'd let myself feel all of that emptiness inside me. I'd drowned in my grief over Chase, and I'd fallen apart until I was certain I'd never be able to pull myself back together again. But then I had. Somehow, I'd dragged my shattered pieces together when the sun rose and I'd forced myself to function once more.
I'd gone down to the beach for a surf with Di, Lyla and Bella and though they'd noticed how quiet I was, they hadn't pushed me on it. And the sea had been the balm my soul needed to hold myself in place despite the mini platoon of Harlequins who had been sent with me to keep an eye out for Shawn from the beach.
I ran my fingers over the key to the Rosewood crypt which still hung around my neck, my mind trailing to Chase’s and Rick's which I'd hidden beneath a floorboard in the corner of the room. I needed to speak to Fox about them. This weight which hung around my neck would never go away while our secrets stayed buried in that crypt and I was pretty certain it was time for us to cleanse ourselves of them once and for all.
It had been a long time since we'd buried those memories in there and had sworn never to speak of them again, but now that place was a burden. We needed to exorcise our demons and destroy the things we'd hidden in there so that there was no chance of them ever seeing the light of day again.
When we'd been fifteen that had seemed impossible, but now I knew we would be able to do it. And once those secrets were gone, maybe there would be some hope of us finding peace again.
I blew out a breath, painting some cotton candy lipstick onto my lips then turned and headed for the door.
Fox and JJ were talking out by the pool and my heart twisted as I hesitated by the foot of the stairs.
I hadn't seen Johnny James since I'd paid my debt to him and I had no desire to see him now either. But that wasn't going to happen. He lived here and I did too - at least part time. And Fox couldn't know about the two of us, so I wasn't going to be able to just freeze him out. Not as thoroughly as I'd like anyway.
Mutt licked the backs of my ankles as he passed me and scurried out to the pool, glancing back as if to say 'come on, bitch, you can't let that asshole win.' And he was right.
I took my phone from my pocket as I went, tapping into the speakers by the pool and starting up Montero by Lil Nas X, letting the music sink into my skin until my plastered on smile felt a little more real.
Fox and JJ looked around from their sun loungers as I strode out with something of an extra swing in my hips, because fuck letting Johnny James see me hurt for him. In fact, I planned on ignoring him as much as possible from here on out. I didn't have to be good enough for him - I just had to be good enough for myself and I happened to think I was pretty damn awesome most of the time. At least on the outside. The broken mess of a girl who I kept locked in a box on the inside didn't count. Appearances were everything and I was happy to fake it 'til I made it real. Or real enough anyway.
"Hey, hummingbird," Fox said gently, pushing himself to sit up as I approached.
He was looking at me like I might break at any moment and I cursed myself for not just going back to the fucking trailer last night. I'd tried to hide as much of my meltdown from him as possible, but I was willing to bet even the sounds of my muffled sobbing into my pillow had travelled.
"Hey, Badge," I said brightly, giving him a wide smile which only made him frown harder.
"Look, I know you're all perky again now," Fox began slowly, cutting a glance to JJ which I automatically followed.
The moment my gaze met JJ's honey brown eyes my heart imploded like I'd just run smack bang into a wall at high speed, so I reached out for Fox's beer and quickly downed the half he'd had left in the bottle.
"But I think we should all talk about last night," Fox pushed on, eyeing me with concern.
"I'm going out tonight," I said, ignoring him and tipping my head back as I began to dance to the music.
"We heard you crying. We sat outside your room so you wouldn’t be alone," Fox tried to go on, his hand catching my thigh and his fingers curling tight around the back of it as he tried to force me to face his questions.
"Well I warned you," I replied a little harshly. "I told you I was all fucked up inside, but you didn't wanna hear it. So now you know. Now you've seen it for yourself. And now I wanna go out. So what's it to be, Badger? Are you gonna come watch some cage fighting with me and help me drink my pain away or are you gonna keep on with this bullshit and make me run again?"
"Rogue," JJ growled behind me and I whirled on him.
"What?" I snapped as I turned to glare down at him. "What is there that you wanna add to this conversation so desperately, Johnny James? Is there something you wanna say about me too? Are you going to impart some great knowledge upon me over my mental state and give me some advice on how I could be better?"
"Stop it," JJ snarled, lurching to his feet and glaring down at me.
Tension crackled between us, my heart twisting and aching as the space that divided us felt like this endless abyss of pain waiting to swallow me whole, then I just laughed. I tipped my head back and laughed, spreading my arms wide and wishing for rain which wouldn't come.
JJ tried to catch my wrist in his hand but I jerked my arm away, turning and striding into the kitchen again as Mutt shot forward to intercept him, snarling and baring his teeth when he tried to follow.
"What's up with you two?" Fox asked, getting to his feet too.
"I broke his Pikachu mug and he's all butt hurt over it," I called over my shoulder.
"What?" JJ asked in confusion but I'd made it to the kitchen so I just grabbed the mug in question, gave it a silent apology then tossed it down on the tiles. "Rogue!" JJ cried as it shattered but I ignored him, grabbing a bottle of rum and unscrewing the top. I ignored the sad little kicked puppy look he was sporting over his mug and turned my head sharply away.
"Someone tell me what this is about," Fox demanded but I left that little mind fuck to JJ as I took a long swig of my booze.
"She's just pissed because I didn't wanna hang out with her at the club yesterday. Now she's being a brat," JJ said coldly but there was something in his eyes which said he was hurting just as much as I was. But that was on him, not me. I wasn't the one who decided he wasn't worth the effort anymore.
"Rogue, we need to talk about last night," Fox said firmly, striding into the kitchen and looking all big bad boss man. He looked seriously hot when he did that, but it also wasn't gonna fly with me today.
"You said you weren't gonna play the Harlequin prince when we were in this house," I said to him before he could continue with that train of thought. "So here's my counter offer. I'm a big girl. I've been alone and dealing with my shit for a long fucking time. Did I fall apart last night and scream into a bathtub full of water for hours before crying all night long? Who can say for sure? Am I standing here right now, telling you that what I need is to go out and have some fucking fun if I want any hope of not falling into that darkness again tonight? Yeah, I am. So you can either come out and play with me or you can keep pushing me on this and I'll go find someone who's willing to give me what I want."
It was a low blow. I was a grade A asshole and I knew it. But I couldn't do this with him right now. I couldn't even face all of the hurt in me without bringing JJ into it at the moment and I definitely couldn't do that. I might hate the prick right now, but I wasn't going to throw him under the bus. I'd seen what Fox did to his brothers when he thought they betrayed him and as angry as I might have been with Johnny James, I refused to hurt him like that.
Fox hesitated and I could see the struggle in him as he battled against the desire to force what he wanted from my lips, but I could see that resolve cracking and he glanced at JJ before swiping a hand down his face.
I stayed where I was as Fox approached me, his hands landing on the work surface either side of me as I leaned back against it and his forehead pressing to mine as he exhaled slowly.
"Yeah, I'll come play with you, hummingbird," he murmured. "I promised you I always would."
I swallowed as the weight of his presence settled around me and my racing heart slowed a little. He'd seen it now. I knew that. He'd gotten a good look behind my bullshit and he'd seen the gaping hole inside me, but he was still here.
My fingers trembled where I held the bottle of rum and he eased it out of my hand before placing it down beside us.
"I'm here, baby," he promised in a low whisper just for me. "I'm not going anywhere and I'll be what you need me to be. You wanna go out and play? I'm in. But if you wanna scream and cry and rage at the world then I'm here for that too. You don't have to hide any of it from me. I swear. I'm here. No matter what."
I nodded slowly, trying to accept that as my fingers landed on his forearm and I brushed them over the hummingbird tattoo he had inked there.
"I need to fake it, Fox," I breathed. "I need to laugh and smile and dance and just keep faking it until it starts to feel real again."
"Then let's go out," he agreed heavily, lifting his head and placing a kiss against the top of my hair. "Give me five minutes to get changed and I'll take you wherever you wanna go."
I nodded silently, expecting him to leave, but he wound his arms around me and pulled me close instead, crushing me against his chest and showing me how strong he could be for the both of us if I'd just let him. And I wanted to do that. I wanted it so fucking bad. To just fall apart in his arms and let him find a way to put me back together again.
Only I couldn't. Because as much as I might have wanted to, I still couldn't trust these boys with my heart. And I couldn't accept his either because he was asking me to choose him alone. Even with the choice JJ had made, I couldn't give him that. My heart had always belonged to all of them, and I needed Maverick and Johnny James just as much as I needed him.
Fox released me when I managed to stop shaking and he headed upstairs to grab a change of clothes, leaving me standing there alone. Or at least, I thought I was alone until JJ spoke from the side of the room, making me realise he hadn't actually left.
"See, pretty girl? You were always gonna end up in his arms."
His words struck me with bitterness and rejection and all the hurt he was feeling, but I didn’t have anything left in me to be able to take it on. The void inside my chest was opening up and threatening to swallow me again and I just felt numb to it. Numb to him and his words and the pain in his eyes. Numb to the memories which haunted me and the damage which scarred me. I was his and he didn't want me. Story of my life.
I just stared at him impassively, letting that numbness travel all the way through me until I didn't care anymore then I dropped his gaze, took my phone from my dungaree pocket and sent Tatum a text telling her I didn't need the ride and that I'd meet her there.
JJ walked away while I was still typing and each of his footfalls echoed through my brain like a death toll, but I still didn't look up.
This was just what happened to me. I was trash with a shine on it. Something about me drew people in but in the end, they realised I was worthless and tossed me aside again.
By the time Fox had reappeared, I'd painted a new smile on for him and he hesitated a moment as he approached me. He was wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a grey tank top with long arm holes which showed off enough of his cut abs and chest to be distracting.
"You don't have to do that," he said to me as he moved to take my hand.
"Do what?"
"Fake smiles for me."
"How can you tell it's fake?" I asked brightly, accepting his hand and winding my fingers between his as I started backing up towards the garage door.
"I can't. That's the problem. If I didn't know how you'd been last night, then I wouldn't have any idea there was anything wrong."
"Good," I replied, tugging him after me. "I spent ten years perfecting this mask, Badge. I'd be pissed if there were cracks in it."
Something shattered in Fox's gaze at my words so I booped him on the nose then turned and ran for the door. I snatched the key to his truck from the hook and sprinted down to it without bothering to switch the lights on, ducking down beside his vehicle and waiting for him to appear.
Fox flicked the lights on as he followed me, his footsteps approaching across the concrete and I crept around the truck as he rounded the hood, staying out of sight.
"Come on out, Rogue," he called and I smirked to myself as I kept going, staying low as I circled his truck.
He started heading for the back of it by the time I made it around the hood again and I leapt at him with a laugh, landing on his back and locking a hand around his throat.
"Oh shit," I gasped. "Did I just take out the great Fox Harlequin?"
He breathed a laugh as he caught my thigh, dragging me around his body and pushing me against the door of his truck the moment we were face to face.
"You always were my weak spot," he admitted, studying my face for a long moment. "Just tell me your smiles aren't always fake."
My amusement stuttered for a moment before I shook off the feeling that I was disappointing him. After all this time of searching for me, he'd just realised I wasn't who he'd been looking for anymore.
"Not all of them," I agreed softly and he nodded before dropping me to my feet and opening the door for me to get in.
I did as he wanted and he climbed in behind me, taking the key from my hand before tugging me close so that my thigh was pressed to his as he started th
e engine.
"Well I guess I'll just have to keep working on that until you don't have to fake them anymore at all," he said.
I didn't say anything to that, but I dropped my head on his shoulder as he pulled away, enjoying the feeling of his skin against mine and stealing a little bit of his strength while he wasn't paying attention.
We drove into the heart of the Cove. Not the flashy, prissy side of town where rich assholes liked to swan about in their luxury cars with their bleached teeth and even more bleached assholes acting like they shit hundred dollar bills for fun all the time. No, we headed into the real heart of the town. Where the streets were painted with every colour of graffiti you could imagine, alleyways made up homes for folk who were down on their luck and you could buy just about every kind of sin, if you could only figure out where to find the cash.
Fox seemed to know exactly where he was headed even though I couldn't say I'd personally ever been to this club. In fact, I was fairly sure this place hadn’t been here when I was last in town at all.
We pulled up on a side street, Fox's shiny truck looking a little out of place amongst the half rusted shit heaps that surrounded us, but I did notice a few other cars with a little bit more value to them parked here and there.
We got out and Fox slung an arm around my shoulders as we started walking towards the low thump of bass which was rattling the windows of the club up ahead.
It wasn't much to look at from the outside. Just a lone black door with a line of people leading up to it as they waited to get in.
"Chase was the one who set this place up," Fox said, grief touching his words for a moment as he guided me right past the queue of people.
The bouncer dipped his head in respect as he spotted us, stepping aside to let us head through.
"Of course this is Chase's baby," I muttered as a girl in a bikini top and booty shorts looked up from behind a desk with a wide smile, holding out a rubber stamp and ink pad as she jerked her chin towards a sign stating it was twenty dollars to get in.
"Oh, sorry, Mr Harlequin," she muttered, taking a step back again as she realised who had just walked in. "Didn't recognise you for a sec. You can just go on in."
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 23