I felt like utter shit any time I thought of giving her that stupid bill to pay for my services. It had been so immature and every time I remembered her paying me the money, I wanted to destroy something. She’d been so angry with me and who could blame her?
I’d shoved the cash in my nightstand drawer, not touching a single dollar of it since, but every time I slept in my room I could feel it there. And it felt like regret and shame.
Fox swallowed and I could see how hard he was trying to mask his own pain over Chase. The day we’d come home from the hospital after we’d found him, we’d just sat up all night talking about Chase and Shawn and all the things this could mean. We’d drank our weight in Chase’s favourite rum and ended up falling asleep out on the sun loungers, sharing in our relief, our pain. But since then, he’d shut down again, sliding his Harlequin armour back in place.
“We have to be careful. We don’t know what he’s told Shawn,” Fox said, a crease forming on his brow.
“He wouldn’t sell us out,” I scoffed in disbelief.
“I don’t know what he’d do anymore,” he muttered. “He already betrayed us once.”
“Fox…” I started, but the sound of a car pulling up outside the door reached me and I ran forward, wrenching it open as Mutt started barking.
Rogue was already out of the cab, grabbing the wheelchair from the trunk and Chase pushed the door open and hopped out. He dropped into the chair as Rogue rolled it up to him. She propped up his left leg which was in a cast, and I took in the gauze he had taped over his right eye too.
He wore a simple white tank top and black shorts, but wherever I could see exposed flesh there were cuts, old wounds and burn marks. My heart broke all over again and I found myself just standing there, frozen in place as Rogue greeted Mutt then moved to wheel Chase towards the house, ignoring me entirely. The dog immediately jumped up onto Chase’s lap, making him curse as he made his bad leg jolt and the dog sat facing me as he used Chase like a moving throne.
“Hey,” I said hoarsely as Rogue pushed him right up to me and I knew I was blocking the way inside, but I still couldn’t make myself move.
“Hey,” Chase said with the ghost of a smile on his lips, but it was quickly swallowed by the darkness in his gaze and a look of utter fucking horror which hung about him. I needed to make that go away, I knew it in my soul. It was my damn duty to heal that pain somehow, but I didn’t know where to begin.
“I was just telling Chase how badass he’s gonna look with an eyepatch,” Rogue said, her gaze glinting but I didn’t miss the ripple of pain that ran through her expression. “Don’t you agree, J?”
She was playing the I-don’t-give-a-fuck act again, talking to me like nothing had happened between us and that was worse than being on the receiving end of her anger. At least when she was shouting at me, I knew she cared. But when she was like this, it was as if the two of us had never even happened.
Right now, I needed to put on a brave face for Chase, so I slapped on a grin that stretched a little too tight across my skin and nodded my agreement. “Yeah, it’ll be cool, man. You’ll be like Nick Fury from The Avengers.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Chase said, looking away from me. “I’m not a kid. I know what this is gonna be like and it ain’t nothing good.”
Rogue flicked his ear. “Don’t be a Debbie downer. Scars are hot.”
“Mm,” he grunted and I smirked.
“She’s right, dude, you’re gonna get so laid,” I said, aiming to cheer him up but he just looked empty and that killed me. The sheer fucking happiness and relief I’d felt at having him back was now being wholly swallowed by that void in his gaze. What had Shawn done to him? Was he ever gonna be alright again?
I finally got out of his way and Rogue pushed him up to the front door and I lifted the wheels to help him into the house.
Fox stood staring at Chase for an endless moment where the world was entirely silent and I felt the tension rolling through the air like toxic fumes.
“You can stay here until you can walk again,” he said eventually, his voice hard as he turned away and Rogue started pushing Chase along after him. “You’ll stay in your old room. The rest of this house is off limits.”
“Badger,” Rogue started in a growl.
“Those are my terms,” Fox barked and I gave Rogue a look that told her not to push him on this. I was all for doing it soon, but at this second I just wanted Chase home and I’d figure out how to keep him here later.
She rolled her eyes at me, but didn’t say anything more as we reached the stairs and Fox looked anywhere but at Chase as he pointed up them.
“Thank you,” Chase said quietly.
Fox’s gaze slid onto him and his jaw ticked for several seconds as he took in his broken brother. “Did you tell Shawn anything that will harm anyone in this house or anyone in my Crew?” he demanded.
“Of course he didn’t,” I growled.
“I didn’t ask you,” Fox shot at me, still glaring at Chase.
“Nothing,” Chase said and my heart tugged. “I swear I didn’t tell him anything.”
Fox nodded stiffly then moved forward and offered Chase his hand. “JJ, help me bring him upstairs.”
“I can manage,” Chase started, but Rogue flicked his ear again.
“What are you gonna do? Crawl up there like a zombie?” she asked and he huffed, their little back and forth so familiar that it made a smile twitch at my lips. What I’d give to go back to it being all four of us in this house, even when Chase had acted like he hated her.
Mutt jumped out of Chase’s lap, growling at Fox before running off upstairs.
Chase muttered something incoherent, but let Fox help him out of the chair and slung his arm around his neck as he balanced on his good leg. I drew his other arm over my shoulders and locked my arm around his waist to support him - and fuck it, I took a tight hug too because I’d seriously missed him. He didn’t smell right though, he smelled like hospital chemicals and eucalyptus. It wasn’t him. And that choked me up inside. This wasn’t the man I’d known before Shawn had taken him, he was changed in ways I could probably never understand. And it was destroying me.
Rogue hovered behind us as we made it to the landing and practically carried him to his room. Inside, we laid him down on his bed and he sighed in a way that was full of complete relief, his good eye closing and a moment of peace passing across his expression.
“I’ll bring some food and water up,” Fox murmured, striding quickly to the door but I didn’t miss the agony in his expression before he left.
Mutt reappeared, jumping onto the bed and laying down next to Chase, resting his chin on his stomach and Chase brushed his fingers over his fur in a fluid motion.
“Do you need anything?” I asked as Rogue moved to prop Chase’s broken leg up on some pillows.
“No, this is just…perfect,” Chase breathed and I was pretty sure he fell right asleep.
“It’s the pain meds,” Rogue explained, moving onto the bed and brushing a few dark curls off of Chase’s forehead. “I think I only got him to take them because he was too weak to fight me off. But they make him sleepy.” Her voice broke on the last word and suddenly she was crying and I rushed onto the bed too, wrapping her in my arms as I felt my own heart breaking in time with hers.
I knew she hated me, but I just needed her to be okay, and frankly getting Chase back put so much of my petty bullshit into perspective. She resisted my hold for two seconds before she just clung onto me and tried to hide her face against my chest so I wouldn’t see her cry.
“He’ll get better,” I promised.
“I can’t bear it, Johnny James, all this time he was alive, suffering, thinking no one was coming for him. That no one even cared.”
I held her tighter, my breaths harder to grasp at the thought of that. “He’s here now,” I rasped. “We just have to focus on getting him back to himself.”
She nodded, sniffing as Mutt moved to lick her arm an
d whine gently like he was trying to comfort her too. She pulled away from me at last, wiping her tears as she curled up beside Chase and didn’t look at me again. She’d slipped into my embrace and now that she was absent once more, I felt her missing from me like a vital organ.
Chase was out for the count, but there was no way I wanted to be anywhere away from him, so I lay down on his other side and Mutt curled up between him and Rogue.
Rogue gently pushed her fingers through Chase’s hair, staring at his face like she was afraid he might disappear if she blinked. My mind spun and a veil seemed to lift from it that had hidden the truth from me this whole time. Because I suddenly understood everything so fucking clearly in that moment, understood all she’d been trying to tell me, understood how it made absolute sense when it came to all of us even if it didn’t make any sense to the rest of the world.
“You and him…” I started, unsure how to say it, but her watery eyes snapped to mine and the truth was right there in the depths of them. She didn’t even try to hide it, she just nodded, but then doubts flickered over her features and she looked back at Chase.
“We kissed,” she admitted and I was surprised at how little that bothered me after the anger I’d felt over seeing her kiss Fox. Though that was more to do with how much I feared losing her to him. He’d openly loved her his whole life, decided they were destined to be together, but I didn’t factor into that plan and I knew he’d do anything to make sure it happened. And why wouldn’t she want Fox? He could provide her everything she’d ever need. He was gonna be the king of this whole town one day and why would she choose to settle down with some sex worker over him?
“When Fox banished him, I went to see him at Raiders Gym. We were both so angry at each other, so hateful,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. “But that’s the problem, JJ, I think part of the reason I hate him so much is because I don’t hate him at all.”
“He doesn’t hate you either,” I said in a low voice. “Ever since you got back, he’s been acting like a kid who can’t handle his emotions. But that’s what he is, Rogue. He never did learn to handle shit because he never had anyone to teach him how. And after you left, he shut down. He didn’t talk to me and Fox about his pain over you. He just started drinking, numbing it out and refusing to deal with everything he was harbouring. But sometimes he’d get so drunk, he’d tell me how broken he was inside, how he didn’t think he’d be whole again unless you came home, and how he was afraid that if you did he’d lose you anyway because he was never good enough to have you.”
She sighed, resting her head on Chase’s shoulder as she gazed at him. “Why is everything such a mess?”
“I don’t know, pretty girl,” I said sadly, even though she hadn’t really been talking to me.
Her gaze slid to me and I got caught staring at her, an ache of regret in me over what I’d done. Chase showing up again made me realise how fucking juvenile I’d been, how things could be so fucking bad at the turn of the wind.
Words burned in my chest which I was desperate to say, but somehow I couldn’t force them out. Because I couldn’t take back what I’d done. I’d fucked my one chance with her and shattered her trust all over again. I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole, I’m just afraid to lose you.
I couldn’t make my tongue bend around those words though, because they weren’t enough. So I just pressed closer to my brother, shutting my eyes and bathing in the feeling of having him home. There was a wedge cut out of my heart in the shape of him and now that it was back, I was going to fight to keep him here for good. I wasn’t sure how I was gonna convince Fox of that, but I’d damn well figure it out. The four of us needed each other, he had to see that. And surely Chase had paid plenty for his crimes against us now. The problem was, Fox was one stubborn asshole and I had the feeling convincing him would be about as easy as moving an immovable wall. But I’d try. I just had to try.
***
I woke to a crash and jerked upright, pushing Chase’s arm aside where it was stretched over me. The lamp had been knocked over and had smashed to pieces.
“Turn the light on!” he barked.
“Woah, woah,” I tried to calm Chase down as he shoved me and fought me, his nails digging into my skin.
He tried to scramble his way over me to get off the bed and I forced him back, but he didn’t stop fighting me, seeming to be in some frantic trance.
“It’s me, man,” I told him, trying to see him in the darkness and his hands eased up on me, starting to shake instead.
“The light,” he begged. “Put the light on, JJ.”
I got out of bed, striding across the room and switching it on, just as the door flew open and Fox stood there in his boxers with a gun raised.
“It’s alright,” I said, knocking the gun aside and he lowered it, looking from me to the bed where Rogue still had an arm draped around Chase’s heaving chest, fast a-fucking-sleep.
“What’s going on?” Fox growled, stepping into the room and looking to me for an explanation, avoiding Chase’s pinched expression.
I didn’t exactly have an answer so my lips just sort of hung slack and Chase answered for me.
“He left me in the dark a lot,” he muttered. “For a second I thought I was still…” he trailed off, his jaw ticking and a flush of embarrassment sliding into his cheeks. Anger knotted my chest at that and I strode back to him, kneeling on the bed and getting in his line of vision.
“You’re home, Ace,” I said firmly. “You’re not going anywhere.”
I felt Fox bristling at those words, but he didn’t say anything to contradict them and I was thankful for that. Chase’s frantic gaze eased and he leaned back against the headrest with a sigh of relief, placing his hand on Rogue’s back. She’d shimmied out of her t-shirt at some point so she was just in her sports bra and panties. She nestled closer to him in her sleep, her fingers tightening on his flesh as she murmured his name.
I looked to Fox, finding him fighting a war in his eyes before he turned and marched away in the direction of his room, leaving the door wide open.
Chase’s good eye was scrunched shut as he held Rogue to him in a way that said he’d be hard pressed to let her go.
I moved to the far window, twitching the curtains open and gazing down at the patio area, the sky just beginning to pale. My heart weighed a thousand tons as I stood there, hurting for Chase and knowing that he was never going to be the same after what had happened to him.
I soon found myself sliding back into bed, breathing in the scent of him and trying to find peace in the fact that the four of us were together in this house again. But somehow all I could find was turmoil. Because Rogue was angry with me, Chase was broken, Fox would never let him stay here long term, and Maverick was severed off from this family like a limb that could never be reattached. I felt the weight of all that following me back into sleep, where only nightmares waited for me.
***
The days slipped by and we fell into a routine where Fox avoided Chase as much as humanly possible, bringing food and drink to his room whilst refusing his requests for cigarettes and booze in place of his painkillers. Chase only took the meds if Rogue was there, letting her push them between his lips and swallowing them down with a glass of cold milk. Every time she did that, she kissed his cheek and something told me that was the part he did it for.
Whenever I watched him with her, it was clear to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was in love with her. I guessed I’d always known that, yet it had never been as plainly obvious to me as it was now. Something had shifted in him since his time with Shawn, and he didn’t fight his urges to watch her anymore. Now his gaze followed her like he was the earth and she was the sun, the centre of his universe, the reason his world kept turning. And the only thing I found myself feeling about that was sad. Because Fox was going to send him away again, and he knew that. It was probably why he was letting himself look at her so much, because his recovery period was all he had left with her. And if I
’d been locked up and tortured in a basement for weeks on end, sure I’d never see Rogue again only to find her in front of me once more, I knew I’d want to drink in every moment with her too.
Since I’d been working so much, I hadn’t seen Rogue that often. I missed her so damn hard and I hated this tension between us. But I’d probably fucked any chance of us even being friends again. Let alone anything else.
Fuck.
I despised myself over the bullshit move I’d pulled with the bill. What the hell had I been thinking? I’d pushed her away, and for what? She was the best thing I’d ever had and I’d cut her off because I was too afraid to believe she could really want me. The money she’d paid me with was still in the envelope she’d given me, sitting in my top drawer and making me feel sick every time I looked at it. The idea of what we’d had being reduced to a transaction tore into the most broken parts of my soul but I was the one who had done that. Not her. And I didn’t know how to take it back.
After I’d helped Chase have a shower and put him into some shorts for the day, I propped him up against the pillows on his bed and changed the dressing on his right eye, taking in the savage X cut through it as I did so. The doctors had repaired it as best they could and it was healing up well, but he was never gonna see through it again, the best he could hope for was flickers of light. It hurt me, all of these wounds, each one like a knife in my chest, but somehow this one was the worst of all.
I should never have stopped looking for him.
“You should talk to her,” he said after a while, making me frown. He didn’t say all that much since he’d come back and the first thing I thought was how fucking good it was to hear his voice, but then his words settled in and I knew he’d picked up on the rage between me and Rogue. I mean, I guessed it wasn’t that hard to detect with the way we kept sniping at each other and subtlety had really never been her thing.
I sat on the edge of the bed as I finished redressing his wound.
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 29