“Maybe? You did overreact. You overstepped, Toby. You abused your authority, and you belittled me. That’s not something you do to someone you supposedly care about.”
He glanced away. She could see she was making him uncomfortable. Good!
“You asked me about us the other night before the fire,” he said. “You wanted me to put a label on this thing we have, and I know I danced around it, but you have to know why.”
This time, he gave everything to her. His blue eyes weren’t filled with the usual teasing mischief that had her wanting to do anything for him. They were suddenly serious, too serious. She could feel the desk behind her. The uneasiness in her chest was building to something that was so damn uncomfortable. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what he had to say.
“You know, Toby, you don’t have to explain. I know I push at times, and you’re right; you made it clear you wanted nothing serious. I get it.”
He was shaking his head. “Just listen to me. It’s not that. I’ve never met anyone like you, Suzanne. Nothing scares you, you’re confident… Look at you. You take things head on and don’t care what anyone thinks. You’re smart as all hell, but at the same time, every time we’re together, it both excites me and terrifies me.”
She didn’t know what to say to that.
He took another step closer to her. “When you asked me where I was for those two hours, I knew you knew that I was blowing you off, but it isn’t as you think. Yes, I was with someone…”
“I don’t want to hear this.” She cut him off and lifted her hand, then started to walk past him, but he reached out and grabbed her arm and stopped her.
“Well, you’re going to hear it. I was at the Lighthouse with a few of the guys here, and I met a woman. I bought her a drink and flirted, and of course she was all ready to go back to my place or hers, but when she went to kiss me, there was something about it…” He shook his head. “She wasn’t you, and I was furious with myself and you, because I knew, even though I wouldn’t admit it, that I was in love with you, and the last time I allowed myself to fall for a girl, give my heart to her, she shredded it, and I swore, never again.” He let go of her arm and stepped away, shaking his head, looking up at the ceiling. He paced in a circle back over to the window, and she was too stunned to say anything. At the same time, she wasn’t sure what he expected from her.
“So what is this?” she said, glancing back to the closed door.
Toby looked down and then over to her. “I don’t want to lose you, Suzanne. I’ll just put it out there. I love you. You wanted an answer, you’ve got it. You scare the hell out of me, but worse is that when you went into that fire and I was outside that store, knowing you were inside that building, all I could think of was getting you out. You criticized how I handled things? Get in line. I already heard it from Kyle too, and my grandfather. So evidently you’re not the only one who thinks I fucked up. But the thing is, Suzanne, I can’t be a good leader with you here. After giving you the week off and not having you here, I realized that if something were to happen, something serious, and we got a call, I could handle the situation with a clear head because you weren’t there.”
She stared at Toby and realized what he was saying. “You’re firing me, aren’t you.”
He glanced away. There he went, hiding his feelings, though he’d completely pulled the rug out from under her and gutted her.
“I guess you didn’t hear me,” he said. “I love you, but I don’t want to work with you.”
Chapter Fourteen
Suzanne lay on her back on the concrete underneath her jacked-up MGB, giving everything she had to loosening the stuck plug so she could change the oil, even though she’d changed it not even three months earlier. It was the only thing she could think to do aside from taking her engine apart and putting it back together, trying to come to terms with how she’d basically been hung out to dry.
She finally reached for the mallet and whacked the end of her wrench until it gave and she could loosen the bolt. She slid the pan under before pulling out the plug, letting the black oil pour out.
She heard a knock on the open door of her garage, and she held the wrench, looking over and seeing feet, men’s feet, wearing black boots.
When she pushed herself out and looked up, there was Harold staring down at her—in amusement, she thought. He lifted his gaze and took in her single-car garage, which was the only thing about her small older house that she loved.
“So this is where you hang out,” he said. “Marcus said you’ve created the ideal man cave, or rather woman cave, and you spend more time under the hood of your car than is normal for a woman.”
He stepped into the garage. Along one wall was a bench she’d built with a metal shelf and every tool a home mechanic would use. She wasn’t sure what to make of the way he was looking at her.
“You have grease on your face,” he said and gestured.
She sat up on the concrete, taking in her grease-stained old torn-at-the-knee jeans and her faded blue and red shirt, which was also smudged. Her hands were dirty, but being clean in a garage was just something that didn’t happen.
“What are you doing here?” she said, still sitting there, holding her wrench. She put it down beside her on the concrete when he held out a hand to help her up. “You sure you want to do that? I’ll get you dirty.” She held up her hands, showing him the grease. She had no problem admitting to anyone that this was her happy place.
He said nothing for a second. “It’s just dirt. It washes off. Come on.” He reached down, taking her hand and pulling her up with little effort.
She took in his casual side, blue jeans and a faded gray T-shirt. She noted his badge tucked over the waistband of his jeans and his holstered gun. “So is this a casual day on the job, or are you off duty?”
This was just something she wasn’t used to seeing from the town deputies. She brushed back a lock of her hair that had fallen free from her ponytail.
His amber eyes hinted at his amusement. “I’m always on the job. Never knew you had such a love of mechanics. Marcus says you’ve basically rebuilt this car from scratch.”
What could she say? It was just something she’d fallen into. Some people took up gardening or renovations; she had taken up automotive repair. There was just something about tinkering in her car, working with tools, that gave her a sense of peace. She knew many wouldn’t understand.
She reached for a cloth from the top of the car and wiped her hands. She didn’t know why she was so uncomfortable in this silence with Harold, who she had to remind herself had never been a chatty guy. She’d always done all the talking, and he’d listened.
Maybe he was waiting for her to say something as he walked around her garage, taking in her car.
“Yeah, this is my baby,” she finally said. “So, you didn’t answer me when I asked you why you’re here. And how did you know where I live, anyway?”
He lifted a socket wrench and then her old clutch from the workbench and took them in, then set both down before walking around the car to her. “Finding people is what I do. I’m a cop. But Marcus told me where you were.”
He stopped right in front of her, and she took in his arms, his chest, and the way he walked. There was just something about him, how buff he was and the way he carried himself. She couldn’t help but watch him. He allowed his gaze to drop, taking her in, and she fought the urge to cross her arms as she stood before him. He had a way of going deep, the distance, not keeping her at arm’s length.
“Wanted to check on you, see how you’re doing,” he said, not pulling his gaze, giving everything to her. She wondered how much he knew. Everything, likely.
“So you heard that my job with the department is basically gone. My week off is likely to be permanent, and I’m sitting at home, awaiting my fate. I’m basically fighting an uphill battle to get my job back after someone I cared about very much decided he could just yank it away.”
He didn’t nod but finally looked aw
ay, pulling a breath before giving everything to her. “Yeah, heard they’re looking for a fall guy for the fire. Word traveled that you’re out. You should know that Marcus is fighting it from his end. He won’t stand for it, but he also doesn’t have much leeway in the jurisdiction of the fire department. He’s gone to the mayor to fight for you, but at the same time…” He shook his head, and she had a sinking feeling she wasn’t going to want to hear this.
“You know it’s Toby behind this,” she said. “How can a man who says he loves me basically destroy my career to protect himself?” She knew he didn’t get it by the way his expression turned hard and confused. “Yeah, that was exactly what he said to me. I took him the required doctor’s note, and he said that having me with the department is too much of a distraction for him, that he can’t think clearly with me around, and because of me, he couldn’t make the right calls at the fire. He said the few days I wasn’t there were basically the deciding factor in him tossing me away like I’m garbage. What does that say about his role as a leader if he can’t separate his feelings from the job…?”
Harold settled his hands over his waistband of his jeans and seemed to be considering something. She wondered if he agreed. “The fire was a big deal, but you know that,” he said. “It’s about the dollars, city taxes that still have to be collected, and the fact that someone has to take the blame. They want a fall guy. The store is closed for months, and people are out of work, so they need someone accountable on paper. It doesn’t matter who it is. I was at the scene, and so were other firefighters, but it’s Toby Chandler and the chief who are meeting with City Council. This is when you see no one wanting to step up and say what really went down. Yeah, you’re right that Toby screwed up and made some bad calls, but no one is willing to say so. They want their jobs. They don’t want their heads on the chopping block.”
She wondered if Harold being here was an official warning, maybe a heads-up.
“So where exactly does this leave you and Toby?” he said.
She wasn’t sure what to make of that, considering she’d walked out of Toby’s office the day before and hadn’t spoken to him since he’d said he loved her and then basically fired her. Who did that? Toby, evidently. It had given her a close-up view of who he really was. She’d ignored his six phone calls and deleted his voicemails without listening to them.
“I guess news travels fast, doesn’t it? So everyone knows that we were involved? Let me emphasize were, as in past tense. You ask where this leaves me and Toby…” She shrugged. “Where do you think? Nowhere. You really expect that I could be with someone who could toss me away that easily and rip away something that I love, then in the next breath say he loves me? It’s shitty and wrong. You know I trained him, but evidently not well. So in case I didn’t answer you, there is no Toby and me. If I’m being honest with myself, there never really was.”
She pulled in a breath, feeling so many things as she stood there with Harold, waiting for him to say anything that could make this better. She felt as if the world and everything she knew wasn’t how she’d thought it was just a week earlier.
“Well, he’s a fool, and it’s his loss. At the same time, you can’t hide out here and just wait for someone to decide something. This is your life someone’s screwing with, Suzanne.”
“I realize that, but what am I supposed to do when the deck is stacked against me?” She gestured to herself, at a loss.
“File a grievance before the board. Order an investigation. Fight this. Don’t just lie down and take it. You’re right about one thing: When a man loves a woman, he doesn’t mess with her career just because he can’t keep his head screwed on and separate the personal from the professional. He had a job to do and didn’t do it. Then there’s his promotion to captain. There’s no way you should want that to happen. As much as I’d like to fight this for you, this is your fight.”
The way he said it, the way he was looking at her, she wished so many things hadn’t happened. She felt the what-if nipping at her.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” she said, “but you know what the biggest regret is, the thing I wish I could go back and undo?”
He didn’t say anything. He gently shook his head, and she wondered if he knew.
“I wish I never listened to Jessa,” she said. “I wish I’d called her out. I wish I had gone to you about her lie. Out of all that’s happened, that’s the one thing out of this that I regret. Do you ever wonder where we’d be right now…?”
He stepped closer and lifted his hand, pressing his fingers over her cheek and brushing back her hair. He was so close that she could feel everything about him, and it was calming. “You can spend your entire life with regrets and what-ifs, but the fact remains, Suzanne, you believed her. Neither of us could know where you and I would be right now, whether we’d even be together. It could’ve been something else or someone else for either of us. I don’t know that, and you don’t know that. What I do know is the council is meeting this afternoon. Marcus is going to be there, and so are the chief and Toby. You need to be there, Suzanne. Only you can fight for your job.”
He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips. It was so tender, and he stepped back and took another look around her garage, pressing his hand to the side of her head before looking at her again.
“Think about it,” was all he said before he stepped around her and started out of the garage.
“Harold…” she called out.
He turned, taking her in. “Yeah?”
“Thanks for everything.”
Chapter Fifteen
Walking into City Hall, she wore her blue work uniform, her hair tied back. She’d scrubbed the grease from her hands the best she could.
She took in Jessa Armstrong, who was walking down the stairs in heels and a cream pantsuit with a red silky blouse. She hesitated when she spotted Suzanne, and for a second, Suzanne thought she was about to turn and race back up the stairs. It was ridiculous, so what did she do but stand there at the bottom of those stairs and give her everything?
“Jessa, do you have a minute?” she called. She took in the woman she was now, the woman she’d loved so deeply at one time, her best friend from so long ago, until, one moment, she wasn’t anymore.
“Well, I have to get into chambers for that meeting, so I don’t really have a minute, actually—but we should catch up. Why don’t you call my assistant and see that she gets you on the books?” The way she said it was an unmistakeable tell of how nervous she was.
“No, actually, this won’t take long, Jessa.” She stepped in front of her. Only a fool could’ve missed how on edge she was.
Jessa lifted her wrist, looking at her watch. “Only a minute, Suzanne. I have responsibilities. What is it?”
“I wanted to ask you something about Harold. Do you remember when you came to me and said that you slept with my boyfriend and then begged for my forgiveness? You even cried. I have to know why you did it.”
She made a face and gestured vaguely. Her blue eyes glanced away, then pulled back to her. “Look, that was a long time ago, Suzanne, and who’s to say what really happened? Maybe I don’t quite remember it that way.”
She took a step into her space. She couldn’t believe she’d said that. Maybe her expression said as much, as Jessa hesitated. This was one of the two people who had messed with her life, and that thought was getting to her.
“Don’t lie to me, not me,” she said.
Jessa sighed. “Look, Harold already came at me over that. I’m sorry. I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. It was a stupid move, and maybe I did bend the truth just a bit, but it was high school and a long time ago. We’re grown-ups now. I’m married. Haven’t we all moved on?” She reached over and rubbed her hand on Suzanne’s arm as if they were friends, as if she cared. “I’m sorry, Suzanne,” she said, really emphasizing the point. “But really, what does it matter now? You did things, too, if you really want to get into it. You weren’t the greatest of friends.” She lifte
d her wrist again. “Look, I really have to get in there.”
“You said Harold talked with you already.” She wondered if she’d heard her right.
Jessa just rolled her eyes. “Yes, he showed up at my office and called me out over my little fib. I’m sorry. He was a little mad, but as I said to him, it was ages ago. We all did things as kids that were really dumb, and that was mine. I’m caught, it’s out. No, we didn’t sleep together.” She stopped talking and let out a sigh before looking up to her and then past her. “Look, Suzanne, I feel bad, okay? But at the same time, you should know he really cares about you. The way he came into my office, the way he’s fought for your job…”
“Wait, what?” she cut in, holding her hands up. “What do you mean, he fought for me? What are you talking about?”
Jessa smiled and shook her head dramatically. “I can see when a man loves a woman. Harold has feelings for you. He’s fought for your job with the fire department, saying you were railroaded, the fall guy, and he’s going to bat for you. I’ve never seen that before. When a man is willing to fight like Harold is for you, despite the fact that fingers were being pointed your way, people saying you didn’t follow orders and you’re about to be officially fired… He won’t stand for it. He asked—no, demanded that I back you up. He said I owe you.”
Suzanne just stared at her, not knowing what to say.
A slow smile touched Jessa’s lips. “He’s right; I do owe you. And another thing, Suzanne. No one really believes you should be the fall guy, but at the same time, so many questions are being asked about why the fire wasn’t put out quickly, why more couldn’t be done to save the store so people could get back to work in weeks rather than months. They want someone to blame. Even though I understand they have a suspect and the official report is arson, tossing you under the bus seems to have satisfied the mayor and a few of the other city councillors.”
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