by Vikki Vaught
Once Alex made it to the stable, he saddled the horse and led him around the house. After making it around to the front, he looked up at Anissa’s bedroom window, reassured when he saw it dark. She was asleep, or at least he hoped so. Putting his foot in the stirrup, he swung his leg over and settled in the saddle as he looked back at the house one more time.
What would my grandfather think of me dishonoring Anissa in his house?
Pain slammed through his heart. Like a thief in the night, he crept away. Only a coward would do this, but he would do it because it would be better for Anissa.
With a snap of the reins, he turned Blazer toward the open road and headed out of town. He set off at a vigorous pace, wanting to put as many miles between him and Anissa as quickly as possible. The entire way back to Baltimore he castigated himself for his appalling behavior. It would be a long time before he could face her again.
Now that he drew close to Baltimore, he questioned his decision to leave without seeing her. Seeing it in the light of day, leaving was as dastardly as staying would have been. He should have faced her, instead of leaving without seeing her. He had left her a note instead.
For Christ’s sake, what a bastard I am.
Anissa will surely hate me forever.
And I deserve it.
Alex arrived back in Baltimore around two in the afternoon. When he arrived home, his mother greeted him and immediately asked, “What’s wrong? I didn’t expect you back until tonight. Is everything all right in Alexandria? Son, you look awful. I’ve never seen you look so disheveled.”
Unable to meet his mother’s questioning eyes, he looked away. “Nothing’s wrong. I decided to leave at dawn this mornin’. I’m tired, and I need a bath. I’m going to my room to get cleaned up. Don’t hold dinner for me, I’m not hungry.” His mother would not stop asking questions until she pried some answers out of him, but this time she would not succeed.
Chapter Twelve
Anissa woke up the next morning with her eyes scratchy and swollen, since she had cried herself to sleep the night before. She had to get up, but what she really wanted was to keep her head under the covers and never come out. Of course, she could not do that. She had a son to take care of. Glancing at the mantel, she saw the clock showed the nine o’clock hour. The last time she had slept this late was after attending a ball the night before. As she climbed out of bed, she felt sore and sticky between her legs. Shame washed all over her.
How could I allow this to happen?
She had abhorred immoral behavior in others, and she admitted it, she had prided herself on thinking she would never behave that way. But look at her now, she had given in to lust without any struggle. It was all her fault. Men were weak when it came to sex, but women were supposed to be strong.
Oh, Lord, please forgive me for my wanton behavior.
If they were going to arrive at church on time, she had better hurry. If there was ever a time when she needed church, it was now. After taking a quick wash, she threw on her clothes and twisted her hair up in a knot on top of her head. As she started to open her door, she noticed a piece of parchment lying on the floor. She picked it up, but did not take the time to read it and laid it on the desk. Leaving her room, she went to get Harry, but he was not in his chamber. He must have dressed himself and gone down to breakfast by himself.
Stiffening her spine and holding her head high, Anissa walked down the stairs with all the grace of the marchioness she was. She could not allow Alex to see how mortified she actually felt. She would act as if nothing had happened. When she entered the dining room, Harry sat alone, eating his pancakes and sausages. Relief washed over her. At least she had received a reprieve.
As Anissa took her seat, Lucy hurried into the room with a plate of pancakes and more sausages and sat them down on the table. “Mornin’, Mrs. Carlson. I’d begun t’ think ya might be ill. Master Harry came down all by hisself today. He told me he’d looked in on ya, but ya was asleep, so he didn’t want t’ disturb ya. Th’ cap’n ain’t come down neither. It’s not like ’im t’ miss a meal.”
Harry spoke up, “The captain wasn’t in his room. Perhaps he went for a ride and has not returned yet. Mama, can we go back to the pond today?”
Shaking out her napkin, Anissa laid it across her lap. “Not today. It’s Sunday. We need to hurry or we shall be late for church.” Then looking at Lucy, she said, “I’m fine, Mrs. A. I overslept for some reason. Thank you for looking after Harry for me.”
“He weren’t no problem. Well, I’ll leave y’all t’ eat yor breakfast. Let me know if ya needs anythin’ else.” Turning around, Lucy hurried from the room.
Anissa tried to eat, but her stomach rebelled, feeling as if rocks were in it. After a few bites, she pushed her plate away. She stood. “Come, Harry. Let us go to your room, so we can get you ready for church.”
In some ways, it relieved her when Alex did not join them at breakfast. On the other hand, she wanted to see him and get it over with. Once she had Harry cleaned up and changed into his Sunday clothes, they went back downstairs. There was still no sign of him anywhere in the house, so he must not be attending the service.
Anissa and Harry entered the church without a minute to spare. She had a hard time concentrating on the sermon, between wondering where Alex had gone and the shame of what she had done the night before running through her head. She had given herself to a man she was not, nor would ever be, married to. This fact appalled her. She had always been disgusted with the way some of the widows in society seemed to jump from one bed to another. She had never thought she could ever give herself to someone out of wedlock.
When church ended, she tried to leave without speaking to anyone, but Mary Lou waved to her. The last thing she wanted was to stand around chatting about inane topics, but she could not ignore the woman.
As her friend approached, she called out, “Good mornin’, Anissa. It’s good to see you, my dear. And this must be Harry. What a fine young man he is. Would you like to come for dinner, if you don’t have any plans?”
Since the thought of food had her stomach twisting in knots, she made up an excuse. “It’s lovely of you to ask, but I shan’t be able to make it today. Perhaps another time. I promised to spend time with Harry this afternoon teaching him how to ride his new pony. I hope you will understand.”
“Certainly, my dear. Well, I see Melissa talking with her beau. I’d better get over there and chaperone those two. Please feel free to stop by any time.” Then giving her a hug, Mary Lou turned around and went to join her daughter.
Taking Harry’s hand, Anissa hurried away before anyone else could approach her. When she arrived home, she sent her son outside to play with Barney. Deciding she wanted to see Alex and get it over with, she went looking for him. She did not find him in the study and when she asked Lucy if she had seen him, she told her no. When she asked Mr. Allen, he told her the captain’s horse was gone, so he must still be out riding.
That did not make sense to her. Alex could not stay out riding this long. He probably dreaded a confrontation with her, thinking she might expect him to declare himself. Then remembering the scrap of parchment she had found that morning, she wondered if it could be a note from him. Running upstairs to her room, she found it on her desk, opened it, and immediately recognized Alex’s handwriting:
Dear Anissa,
I have no excuse for my abhorrent behavior last night. I am so sorry I forced myself on you. I am completely to blame for what happened in the library. I do not normally over imbibe when drinking, but as I said, that is no excuse. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Under the circumstances, I felt it would be better if I left this morning so you did not have to see me.
If I have any news of Lord Howard’s arrival, I will let you know. Please know that I respect and admire you greatly, and I hope you do not suffer any consequences from my ungentlemanly conduct. If you need anything at all, please let me know. Tell Harry the pony is his to use for as long as
he is in America.
Your humble servant,
Alex
Anissa sat down on the bed, stunned. She could not believe he had left without talking to her. He obviously felt as bad as she did. It was so like Alex to accept all the blame, when she was as much at fault as he. If she were completely honest with herself, she had wanted to make love as much as he had, and she did not have the excuse of drinking too much. Perhaps it was better that he had left. It would have been terribly embarrassing for both of them. Time would give each of them a chance to put this behind them.
By the time they saw each other again, it would be in its proper place and there would be no need to mention it ever again. While Anissa would never forgive herself for her immoral behavior, she could make sure that nothing like this ever happened again.
Over the next two weeks, Anissa managed to keep busy, between tutoring Harry in the morning, and either teaching him to ride in the afternoon or going to the pond to swim. She found the sweltering heat oppressive. England never had summers this hot and humid. The nights were so hot, that even though she opened all four of her windows, no breeze stirred. Each morning, she awoke with her night rail plastered to her body, damp from sweat.
Harry had turned dark as a ginger cake from being out in the hot sun each day, but he thrived. He decided on a name for his pony, Sir Lancelot, after the knight in the book she had read to him about King Arthur’s round table.
She had not heard a word from Alex. Albeit, she had heard from Georgia several times, and from those letters, she gathered he stayed extremely busy now that his partner had left for England. She hoped Barrington would write back quickly, in time for her to return to England before the winter. She did not want to spend any more time in America than she had to. She needed to get away from Alex so she could forget him. Every night, she relived their passionate interlude in her dreams, and she slept poorly. Between that and the heat, she found herself wanting to sleep during the day, which was not like her at all.
The ladies at the church had invited her to join their prayer group, so every Wednesday morning she had that to look forward to. She prayed fervently for God’s forgiveness regarding her transgression with Alex. She found solace from reading about Jesus’ acceptance of Mary Magdalene, when others had shunned her. She had always enjoyed going to church, and even though the service differed from the way the Church of England performed it, there were still great similarities, and it brought her comfort.
On the third Sunday in July, she arose earlier than usual. After the church service, she planned to attend another picnic with the other parishioners. The last one, only a couple of weeks ago, was to celebrate America’s Independence Day. At that celebration, she was not able to contribute as the other ladies had done. She wanted to contribute some food for this one. Lucy had taught her how to cook since then, and she promised to help Anissa put together the basket she wanted to take to the picnic. After an early breakfast, she sent Harry out to play with Barney and joined Lucy in the kitchen.
While Lucy prepared the dough for the biscuits, Anissa dipped the chicken pieces in egg and flour, as Lucy directed. “Make sure ya coat th’ chicken twice so there’s a nice thick crust when ya fry it. After yor done, the grease should be hot enough. Mind yor careful when ya drop da chicken in da hot grease. Ya don’t want none o’ it splashin’ out and burnin’ ya.”
“I will be careful. Thank you for teaching me how to cook, Mrs. A. I never appreciated how much work goes into preparing a good meal. My cook in England would have been appalled if I had ever suggested helping her in the kitchen.”
Once she had the chicken nicely coated, she tested the grease and found it hot enough. She slowly dropped the pieces in, watching the hot grease bubble around them.
With the chicken fried to a nice golden brown and the biscuits baked, she iced the chocolate cake she had baked the day before. It had taken several attempts, but finally her cakes rose as they should. She glowed with pride over her accomplishments.
Once she had the cake iced, she took off her apron and hung it on the hook beside the back door. “I’m going to get Harry and take him upstairs. After we are dressed, I will come back downstairs and help you pack everything in the basket, Mrs. A.”
Lucy turned back to the sink to wash the dirty pots and pans, as she called out, “Honey, ya done a fine job on icin’ dat cake. I couldn’t o’ done a better job myself. Ever’body at th’ picnic is goin’ t’ rave about yor cookin’. Ya hurry on now and get ready for church.”
After Anissa and Harry came back downstairs, Lucy and Alfred joined them in their Sunday best. Alfred carried the heavy basket, and they set off down the sidewalk. When they arrived at the church, he took the basket around to the back where the tables were set up.
Lucy and Alfred joined her in the front pew for the service. Normally they sat in the back, but she insisted they join her up front today. Even with all the windows open, most of the ladies waved their fans in front of their faces, trying to create a breeze and find some relief from the sweltering heat.
Father Muller kept his sermon short, because of the picnic. Everyone went around back. Anissa looked at the tables heavily laden with food. The Allens went off with some of their friends, and Anissa joined Mary Lou and Melissa.
She greeted them warmly, sharing hugs and kisses. “I’m so excited about this picnic. I think it is wonderful that everyone is getting together. In England, the picnics I went to were with my family, or a beau, before I married. I attended garden parties, where we ate outdoors, but they were always so formal. I like this much better.”
Mary Lou laughed as she took her arm and pulled it through hers. “Oh, you’ll have fun today. Have you heard from Georgia lately? I wondered if she’s planning to come to Alexandria while you’re visiting.”
Anissa stopped at one of the tables to peruse the offerings as she answered her friend. “No, Kathleen and her beau have become quite close. Kathleen does not want to leave him. Plus, the heat is not as bad along the coast as it is here, from what I understand. They may come after it cools down.” Looking around, she saw Alice Nicholas coming over to them. “Good afternoon, Alice, it’s nice to see you. Are you enjoying the picnic so far?”
“Oh, yes, I always love them. Oh, look, there’s Father Muller. He can say the blessing so we can eat.”
After the rector prayed over the food, everyone converged on the tables. Anissa fixed a plate for her and another one for Harry. Everything tasted delicious, from the fried chicken to the potato salad. Her son ate all the food on his plate and even went back for seconds. With the food eaten, the games began.
Harry and Anissa entered the sack race. As they hopped across the field, they tried to keep from falling, and probably looked like two drunken sailors. Right before they reached the finish line, they tumbled to the ground. Harry laughed and she giggled. While they had a marvelous time, they were the last over the line.
With the games over and the contests finished, Anissa found out that her cake had received second place. A thrill of pride swelled up and she even had to brush away a tear. It felt so good to be a part of this community. She would never have had the opportunity to participate in a cooking contest back at home. Heaven forbid. The ton would have been horrified. At five o’clock, the picnic broke up, and, after saying goodbye to her friends, Anissa and Harry, along with Lucy and Alfred, headed back to the house.
Harry had played so hard all afternoon he went to bed early. Once he fell asleep, she sat in the front parlor and did some sewing. It seemed as if her son had grown several inches since coming to America, so she was attempting to make him some new breeches. At ten o’clock, she went upstairs to bed, but yet again, the heat kept her from falling asleep. Finally, after tossing and turning for hours, she fell into an exhausted slumber.
The next few days passed quickly. Harry spent time with his new friend, Freddie, each afternoon, and Anissa had even allowed his friend to come with them when they went to the pond. Freddie knew how t
o fish, so he taught Harry. This became her son’s new passion, and Lucy cooked the trout for dinner. So proud he could contribute to the meal, his little chest puffed out as he ate with gusto.
When she glanced at the calendar the next day, waves of terror rushed through her body. Her skin grew clammy and her heart pounded so fast she feared it might break out of her chest. She stared at the date, not wanting to believe her eyes. Her monthly courses should have arrived on Saturday, the tenth. That made her over ten days late and the only time she had ever been late was when she carried Harry. Every four weeks, her monthlies came almost down to the minute.
Oh, please God, I cannot be with child.
What will I do?
Trying to keep the panic away, she tried to blame it on all the stress she had been under, but then why had her courses not been late when she fled England? Dropping down to her knees, she sent a frantic prayer to heaven. If she were increasing, it would be the worst thing that could happen to her. It would be an impossible situation, one she could never have imagined happening to her.
Oh, dear Lord, please let my monthlies come!
* * * *
For Alex, the morning of the twenty-first started out like any other day. When he arrived at the shipping office, he met with Captain Merryweather, who gave him a report on his new ship’s construction in the Baltimore dry dock.
The captain bowed and took a seat. “At the rate they’re going, I expect the Intrepid to be ready for sea trials as early as the middle of August, well before we expected.”