by Paige Powers
“When I think I know you…you just..surprise me,” he said quietly, his voice distant but soft. I glanced over at him and hugged my knees to my chest. There were butterflies in my stomach that disrupted my thoughts.
“I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Surprise people.” I looked over at him, amused. He smirked for a moment.
“You definitely do. But you’re still mysterious.” Those butterflies were making my mind go crazy. I looked over at him and looked away quickly. It took everything not to reach over and touch him. And I didn’t know how long it would be until I gave up and did just that.
Chapter 38
“Are you going to college after high school?” I asked. He shrugged.
“I’m not sure yet. I don’t know what I want to do. Maybe become a mechanic.”
I nodded.
“A mechanic? Not bad.”
He laughed a short and hard laugh.
“I’m not sure if I have enough money for college,” he mumbled, staring down at the cup of water in his hands. I frowned.
“Couldn’t you get a scholarship?” He sighed.
“You have to be very smart or athletic. And I’m neither.” I made an ‘O’ with my mouth.
“That sucks.”
“Tell me about it.” It was silent for a moment. “So, you want to be a doctor?” I nodded.
“Always have. My mom…,” I shook my head.
“What?” he asked.
“She doesn’t want me to do anything like that. She wants a perfect Barbie doll daughter. And I’m nothing like that,” I told him, my voice annoyed and angry.
“Yeah, I know that!” he muttered. I snorted and rolled my eyes. I nudged him playfully on the arm. He nudged back but kept his arm touching mine.
“No. it’s just…she wants me to be fake. She thinks I can’t get a guy if I don’t let my boobs hang out and wear short skirts. She thinks men should take care of women. And let women shop and drown in their selfish little lives.” I said angrily as my hands turned into fists. Jack was watching silently. “I hate it. I hate her sometimes. The way she doesn’t say anything when she knows Dad cheated on her. I never ever want to be like her.” I shook my head in disgust. “Either way, I’m going to college and becoming a doctor.” I stared off into the fire, feeling its warmth.
“You should do what you want to,” Jack said. “I think any woman should be able to do and say what she wants. Don’t listen to your mom. She doesn’t know.” I looked at him and my stomach felt heavy. “And I know for a fact you will succeed in anything you try.” His words sounded so different. They sounded kind and soft and truthful.
“You think I can do it?” I whispered. He smiled and nodded.
“I know you can.” I smiled.
“And you? Do you believe in yourself?” He looked down. His black and blue eye was actually open but still a little sore.
“Not really. But I’ll survive.” He smiled halfheartedly. I frowned.
“Why?” I asked. He shrugged.
“My life is screwed up, Lidia. It’s hard to keep your head held high when you have people telling you that you can’t do anything.” My heart was aching for him. I sat closer, leaning further toward him and keeping my eyes on him.
“Keep your head high even when people tell you that you can’t. I think you can do anything and live through anything as long as you watch the prize ahead of you.” He got closer, his eyes serious.
“And what would that prize be?” I bit my bottom lip feeling my breath getting faster.
“Whatever you want it to be.” My body was craving him and I knew it was going to take over my mind. I wanted him so badly. The way he looked at me; the way he saw me. I can’t just say I have no feelings. Oh I do! His eyes wanted something. It made me think thoughts and I wanted to make them come true.
“Jack,” I whispered. He leaned forward and kissed me lightly but it made my head buzz. He pulled back and smiled sadly. I opened my eyes and swallowed. He looked at me and I stared back. His mouth was open slightly and all I could think was I wanted it back on mine. His eyes were so intense. Something in them told me that he was thinking the same thing I was. I sat up on my knees and put one on either side of him. His eyes didn’t get wide or shocked. I leaned down and kissed him again as his hand wound around my waist. I pulled back, hair getting in his face. We looked at each other while my hands traveled down his chest then under his shirt. I brought it up and he put his arms up and threw it off. He slid his warm hands under my shirt and pulled it off of me. It fell to the floor. I kissed him again as he undid my bra, letting it fall to the ground. He put his warm hands on my back as I kissed him with my eyes tightly shut. He took hold of my legs, turned me over and laid me back on the blanket softly. Like he was messing with a delicate glass vase. He looked down at me and ran his hand down from my cheek to the middle of my breast to my belly button making a shiver run down my spine. My lower stomach throbbed for him. My body ached in places I wanted him to touch me, in ways that I had never felt before. He undid my jeans and slid them down. My normal breathing was hard to maintain. He let his hand slide down my thigh to my knee then back up. I watched him and saw that look of happiness and...something else…I put my hands to his pants and pulled them down slowly. He kicked them off. I put my hands on his neck and brought him down to me, kissing him again. My body was on fire from his body being so close to me. I felt the bulge from his boxers on my leg and I shivered again knowing what was going to happen and wanting it. He kissed down my neck to my chest where that freckle was and kissed all around my breast. I moaned quietly. I felt my lower stomach craving for more. He kissed down to my belly button and all around it. Down onto my hip then lower then on my thigh. I moaned louder grabbing his head. He came back up and kissed me with force. I gently pushed him over and got on top of him. I saw the bruise on his chest and kissed it. I kissed his neck then up to his lips. I kissed his eyelid softly then his forehead. I looked down at him and kissed his chest, his hip, his thigh where the bulge was getting bigger. I nipped at his tanned skin just close enough to the bulge. He groaned roughly. I came back up and pressed myself against him and he winced as I hurt his chest too much. I pulled back, my eyes wide.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. He smiled.
“It’s fine.” He pushed me back over and I took a deep breath. He put his hand down at my underwear and gently removed them. I felt self-conscious again as he looked down at me. Like I said, I wasn’t the skinniest, but my curves weren’t bad. He put his hand on my cheek and leaned down on me to kiss my neck. I put my hands in his hair and closed my eyes. He sucked softly and then he got to my spot. I gasped again and opened my legs up. He leaned close to me to let me feel him. I pulled him closer wanting it more now. He pulled back and pulled down his shorts. He flipped them off as I looked down at him. He blushed a little. I smiled and put his lips back to mine. I trailed my tongue along his and it wiggled to life. I moaned again. “Now?” he asked, between our lips. I nodded and braced myself. He pulled back and I felt him gently go in me. I gasped because it hurt. “Am I hurting you?” he asked, panic in his voice. He pulled himself back out.
“No, no, it’s okay,” I said, my breath catching. It felt good but it hurt. It felt strange but something in me said it was natural. He tried it again and it didn’t hurt as much. As he went in again I felt myself getting hotter and hotter. He was groaning as he kissed my neck. I kissed him again and moaned as he went out and in. He was doing it slowly and sweetly as I held onto him and kissed him, everything feeling so good. He didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to do anything that would be uncomfortable. I could feel him getting closer and I was too. He sucked on my neck and I moaned louder than I had before. My fingernails dug into his back as we came together and I felt everything! My eyes could only see him and his blue eyes were staring down at me. I smelled his bittersweet cologne. My head was foggy, but I liked it. He groaned.
“Lidia,” he said in my ear, his breathing heavy.
I grabbed his hair, liking the way he said my name like that. In a desperate need. A sexual one. Begging almost.
“Jack,” I whispered into his ear. A ripple went down his body and I arched my back wanting him the whole way in me. He moaned. I leaned up to him feeling sweat on both of us. “Faster,” I whispered breathlessly in his ear. He admittedly did as I told and started thrusting into me faster. I steadied myself and took each thrust easily. I moaned, wanting to say his name but knowing I shouldn’t. He started to thrust faster to where I was going to come again. I gave out a muffled cry as we both finally did. He was out of breath as he fell halfway down on me. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he looked down at me. It was another intent gaze. He pushed my hair back from my face silently. He pulled himself out of me and fell down beside me. I turned on my side to him and pulled a blanket off the floor onto me and onto him. He turned on his side, facing me.
“This was my first time,” he said quietly. I raised an eyebrow.
“You haven’t done it before?” I asked, surprised. He half smiled and shook his head. “I haven’t either.” We both looked at each other. We didn’t touch again; we just stared into each other’s eyes. We both settled down and I fell asleep, watching him looking golden and glorious by the fire blazing behind the grate.
Chapter 39
I felt a tickling on my palm. I frowned and my hand jumped. I heard a quiet laugh. It started again but somehow I liked the feel of the hard finger tips touching my hand. I opened my eyes and looked at Jack who was perched on his elbow, his hand tickling my palm lying open on the pillow beside my head. He had his jeans on but no shirt. His boxers were showing from under his pants. His hair was messy but he was still very cute. His chest still had the fading bruise on it and his eye was a little swollen. His blue eyes were a lighter color than usual but his lips were in a small smile. I smiled back and sighed.
“That tickles,” I mumbled. He laughed again.
“I noticed,” he said, using his husky, sweet voice. He stopped. I looked over at him.
“I like it.” He stared at me with a smile still on his lips. I shivered as I remembered the previous night. The way he ran his fingers down my body... “What time is it?” I asked before he could say anything. He grabbed his cell phone from behind him and flipped it open.
“7:30 a.m.” I yawned.
“Ugh, it’s too early.” The sunlight came in through the window and I pulled the blanket up around me. He chuckled.
“The electricity didn’t come back but the fire went out sometime last night,” he said. I nodded, closing my eyes again, feeling his fingers still on my palm. Last night...was amazing. It was probably the best night of my life. I care so much about him. More now than I did before. I could feel him close to me. If we did it, then maybe he liked me back. Just the thought of it made my heart jolt. But I wasn’t going to say anything. Not yet. Maybe he'll tell me he likes me and we can actually be together for real. I smiled but then frowned. But doesn’t he like Kendra? Wait, didn’t I like Grant? What happened to our goal? I don’t think I like Grant anymore. Does he still like Kendra? Is that why he slept with me? Because he wanted to brag to Kendra about ‘doing it’ with me? Jack pulled the cover back. I looked up at him as he smiled down at me.
“Thinking?” he asked. I nodded. “I can see the smoke,” he joked. I didn’t laugh or smile. He frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked coming closer to me. He pushed my hair behind my ear and I repressed myself from shivering from his touch.
“Nothing,” I answered licking my chapped lips. He frowned even more. I closed my eyes again avoiding his eyes and sighed. I felt him lay down next to me and his hand was left by my hair. He curled his finger around the end then let it twirl back again. It felt good. The worry I had about him using me to get back at Kendra vanished. I don’t even care if he used me or not! I was getting a lot out of it! He let his fingers run from the end of my hair past my collar bone to my back and made a single circle. Goose bumps appeared on my arms. He laughed a throaty laugh. I smiled.
“Mm, stop,” I mumbled. He laughed again.
“Don’t you like it?” he whispered, his voice joking and teasing. I nodded my eyes still closed. He didn’t stop, hell I never wanted him to.
“I need to get up,” I muttered, opening my eyes. He shrugged, taking his hand off me. I turned onto my back and rubbed my face, pushing back my messy hair. I probably looked horrible. Jack was quiet and I looked over at him, frowning. He was staring at my chest. My bare chest and stomach. I quickly grabbed the cover and covered myself up, blushing a little. He laughed and winked at me. I rolled my eyes. I sat up and made sure the blanket was around me tightly. I yawned again and stood up. Jack looked up at me with a small frown. “I think I’m going to get in the shower,” I said, feeling sticky. He smirked.
“Want me to come, too?” I rolled my eyes again.
“No, thank you,” I said, even though I wanted him to. He laughed.
“Fine, fine, fine. I’m going to get something to eat.” He stood up and I went up the stairs, dragging the blanket with me. I got jeans and a T-shirt from my drawers, along with my innerwear. I went to the bathroom and stripped. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized how bad I looked. My hair was a rat’s nest and my makeup was running. I looked tired but my skin was glowing, almost. I smiled and the girl in the mirror smiled, too. I turned on the shower and got in. I turned the knob so it was hot and let the water run over me. When I saw the blood going down into the drain, it hit me. Tears wheeled up in my eyes and I almost fell to the floor. I leaned against the wall, grabbing myself so the sobs wouldn’t hurt so much. But they did. I cried hard. I realized that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I wasn’t a little girl. My innocence was lost. And I had actually made a promise to stay a virgin until marriage. ‘I can’t believe I let this happen,’ I thought, grabbing my hair. I didn’t make the promise with my parents. They figured I’d do it so all they promised me was the pill! But I promised myself and my grandma that I would stay a virgin until my wedding night. I would show my parents that I could. I screwed it up! I cried harder. I screwed it all up. Like I always seem to. I stared at the shower curtain while the water ran, my eyes still full with salty tears. I couldn’t believe I’d just had sex with Jack. I probably won’t even marry him! Even if...even if I would, he would never want to be with me. I scoffed then sniffed. Okay, so I screwed up. I asked for forgiveness. I got it. I sniffed again and wiped my tears. I couldn’t let that happen again. I went back to the water and let it drain everything away. I was not a little girl anymore and I would pay for this one day.
Chapter 40
After I cleaned myself up and got dressed, I could still feel the pressing weight of everything on me. I didn’t want to tell my mom as she wouldn’t understand. She would just say something like, ‘Oh well, it had to happen sometime.’ I wanted someone to say that it was okay and that maybe it was meant for after marriage but because things do happen, you can’t really get punished for having sex before marriage. But I could definitely pay for that, because Jack didn’t wear a condom. I know that for a fact! But right now I would gladly take anything that might happen, any sort of punishment, because I’d had sex before marriage. I tried to tell myself that it was okay. Doctors are always prompting it. Safe sex! It’s okay! No. Sex was made for two people who both have a ring on their fingers and who have promised each other their hearts. I had to screw it up, didn’t I? Now on my wedding night, I will be thinking about Jack. When my husband is kissing me, I will get a picture of Jack. How horrible is that? To try to have sex with your husband and get a picture of the guy you lost your virginity to? As I walked down the stairs, I tried on a fake smile but it didn’t quite work. Jack was eating cereal and reading the newspaper. Suddenly, I stopped and stared at him. A vision flashed across my mind of him sitting there in a mechanic uniform with the words ‘Walker’ printed on his chest. His hair was the same but his jaw and body was older. He looked to be about 35. And the thing
that stopped my breathing was the gold band around his wedding finger. Before I could really see anything more I blinked my eyes and the same old Jack was there.
“Lidia?” Jack asked, looking up at me. His blue eyes were cornered. How could I have seen him like that? It’s not like we were going to get married! This was fake! This relationship had been fake! Why did it come to this?! Us sleeping together? Why?
“Nothing,” I mumbled and walked quickly into the kitchen. I got a long drink of water. I felt a hand touch my hip and I flinched slightly. Jack put his bowl in the sink coming around me. “Sorry,” he said and turned the water on, filling the bowl up.
“We have a dish washer, you know?” I said. He snorted.
“They don’t work as good. And I’m just soaking it.” I raised an eyebrow. He half-smiled.
“Never mind.”
“So, your mom makes you wash the dishes, I’m guessing?” He laughed and blushed a little.
“Occasionally.” I smiled. I turned and winced as my lower stomach was sore.
“Are you okay?” Jack asked, quickly turning towards me. I smiled sadly.
“I’m just...just a little sore.” He looked down and then back up at me quickly.
“Um…oh,” he said and turned around. I almost smirked but didn’t. I got a bowl of cereal and ate it while Jack went back into the living room. After I was done, I went in too, and looked out the window. I heard the sofa squeak as Jack stood up. The snow was almost gone. It looked like a lot of it had melted from the sun that was shining brightly that morning.
“Wow,” I muttered.
“Yeah, I should probably head home. I’m sure my mom is there now.” I nodded and turned to my right to see him standing next to me holding part of the curtain up. His blue eyes looked light and bright. My heart beat speeded up again. He looked down at me and smiled. One of those breathtaking smiles. Before I could stop him, he leaned down and kissed me. He pulled back just as fast. I stared wide eyed at him. Why did he do that? That couldn’t be fake! Maybe he does like me. “Let’s clean up,” he said. I nodded and we cleaned up the blankets and trash. As I put the blankets away, the lights flickered and came back on. “The lights are back on!” Jack yelled. I laughed.