by Amy Cecil
After dinner, everyone goes into the family room to hang out and visit. I stay in the kitchen and clean up. Emma and Ari insist on helping, but I shoo them both away. I need some me time. Cleaning is therapy for me. The time alone will give me the opportunity to sort through all these conflicting emotions that I am having.
Several minutes after everyone leaves the kitchen, Hawk comes back in.
"Hey Honey," he says.
"Hey," I reply. Well, so much for me time.
"Can we talk for a minute?" he asks.
"Sure, what's up?" I reply. I know exactly what he wants to talk about and I'm not sure that I am ready to have this conversation.
"I wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm doing fine, Hawk. Really," I reply.
"Have you thought any more about us?" he asks.
"Yeah, I have."
"Yeah?"
I'm tired of the beating around the bush on this. Maybe if I just give in to the feelings that I have for Hawk, I can move on and get over the mixed emotions I have about Ice.
I walk over to Hawk. Standing close, I wrap my arms around him and pull him close. He looks a little surprised by my boldness and before he can speak I move in and kiss him. He hesitates at first, not sure what to make of it, and then all his inhibitions subside when he pulls me to him and takes over the kiss, drinking from my lips. It's nice. My body goes weak and I know I made the right decision. Hawk has been nothing but good to me. He's been my confidant, my friend, and the only one whom I can confide in and I know he will still love me. He's always been there for me and I've taken him for granted for far too long.
When the kiss breaks, he says breathlessly, "I've waited so long for you, Amanda."
"I know, you've been so patient with me. I'm sorry that it took me so long to take a chance on us."
"Can I take you to dinner Saturday?"
"I'd love that." I couldn’t make the smile on my face go away if I wanted to. I'm too happy to care.
"I'm gonna make you so happy, babe," Hawk says as he pulls me into a bear hug.
When he releases me, I say, "I know."
He steps away and says, "I gotta go. See you tomorrow?"
"Count on it," I reply and with that, he turns to leave.
Chapter 15
The next day, the boys leave early for a meeting. Emma has a doctor's appointment. Ari and I offer to go with her, but she insists that she wants to go alone. It's a pretty quiet day until everyone comes back. When Emma gets back from the doctor’s, she goes straight to her room. I don't question her because I figure she is still not feeling well and just wants to rest.
When the boys come back, dinner is almost ready. Rebel's phone rings just as they walk in the door and her steps into the living room to take it. Ice goes upstairs to check on Emma and when they come back down, Emma is practically glowing. Ice looks a bit wary and I realize my assumptions are correct. They're having a baby. He then confirms my suspicions with the big announcement. My heart shatters, not only for my unborn child, but for the fact that it’s not me having Ice’s baby. Why couldn’t it have been me? I would have done anything for him. I laugh at myself. I still would do anything for him.
"OMG!" Ari squeals. "I'm gonna be an aunt!" She runs over to Emma and hugs her tightly then steps back. "Are you really pregnant?" I laugh at her excitement. Despite my jealousy, I have to say that I am excited for them as well.
Emma laughs too. "Yes, Ari, I'm really pregnant, and yes, you are gonna be an aunt."
She runs over to Ice and jumps up and down. "My big brother is gonna be a daddy! I'm so excited!" she sings.
I walk over to Emma and give her a hug. I'm fighting back tears and I don't know if they are tears of joy for them or tears of loss for me—not for Ice, but for the baby I lost all those years ago. I will regret that every day of my life. Ice is the only one that knows about that and I prefer to keep it that way. He catches my solemn look and I know he's thinking about it. I smile at him to show him that I am truly happy for him and Emma. He replies silently, indicating to me that he understands just by the look on his face. I walk over to him and say awkwardly, "You're gonna make one hell of a dad, Ice."
"Ya think?"
"Hell yeah, I sure do," I say confidently.
He smiles and then replies with feeling, "Thanks, Honey, that means a lot."
He looks around at everyone and smiles. "Well, this could not have come at a better time. We are all whole, we've finally made peace with the Satans, and things should be calming down now significantly."
Before anything else is said, we hear Rebel yell, "What the fuck! What do you mean you don't know where they are?" Ice turns to Rebel to see what's going on.
"Find them! I'll get there as soon as I can!" He hits end on his conversation and looks at Ice with total despair in his eyes. I've never seen Rebel like this. Rebel says, "Ice, man, I need you. We have to go to Belfast."
"Belfast? What the fuck, Rebel? I just fucking got home and you're telling me I have to leave. Have you lost your mind, brother?"
"That call was from my brother, Damon. My parents are missing. Actually, they've been missing for a couple of weeks now, but those fuckers decided to wait until now to tell me," Rebel replies.
"Missing?" Ice asks. Rebel goes on to explain that his parents are IRA and something went down in Ireland and he needs to go there and find them. Ice doesn't even hesitate. He just got back with his family, but instead of saying no and telling Rebel he's on his own, he readily agrees to help him.
Emma, Ari, and I are not too pleased about this as we soon realize that our men are going to Ireland. It's not gonna be a vacation, either, as we gather there is quite a bit of danger involved. And most importantly, they are not taking us along.
They spend the next day engrossed in making plans. We hardly see them, but I am pleased to find out that Hawk is not going. Ice needs him to stay back and move things forward with the MC. I have to say that I kind of like those plans. This change in our relationship status is new and the thought of him leaving indefinitely had me worried. I also think it will be good for us that the Ice factor will be thousands of miles away.
The boys are leaving tomorrow morning and we are having a ‘going away' dinner for them tonight. Ari is heading back to school tomorrow as well. It will be just Emma and me here. She and Ice have assured me that I can stay as long as I want until the new clubhouse is finished. Everything seems to be settling down, except for the guys leaving. But I know they will be ok, they will do what they have to do and be back before we know it.
I'm in the kitchen working on dinner when Emma comes in. "Hey girl," I say as she walks in.
"Hey. Can I help you with anything?"
I smile and reply, "No love, I'm good. But thanks for asking." I'm in an unusually good mood today and I begin to hum. I catch Emma watching me curiously and I know she is wondering what's up. Finally, she asks, "Ok, Honey, what's going on?"
I stop humming and look up at her. "Nothing,"
"Don't tell me ‘nothing', girl. You're humming! You never hum!" she says and she's fucking right. I can't help but laugh.
"Am I that transparent?"
"Yeah! So what's up?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know. Silly girl, you've become a good friend. If something is going on with you, of course I want to know."
"Well, I think things might be getting better for me in the relationship department," I say and I can't help the smile on my face. Hell, every time I think of that kiss I smile.
"Oh my God! Did Hawk finally admit that he has feelings for you?"
"How did you know?" I pause then say, "I mean, what makes you think Hawk has feelings for me?"
"Oh come on, really? That man is so smitten with you it's written all over his face. I've been waiting for him to make his move. I'm guessing that he finally did?"
"Well, he didn't really come out and say he had feelings for me, but he did invite me out to dinner
on Saturday."
"Really?"
"Really."
"It's about damn time! I'm so excited for you!" Emma squeals. Hesitantly, she adds, "You did say you'd go, didn't you?"
I laugh. "Of course I did! I may be foolish sometimes, but I'm not a fool." Suddenly, I feel that I need to reassure her about my feelings for Ice. There are times when she looks at me and I can see her questioning my feelings for him.
"Can I tell you something? When the club first took me in, it was Hawk who was always there for me. He and I became close and I always hoped that there would be more than friendship between us. But it never happened. When Ice started to take an interest in me, I had pretty much given up on Hawk," I lie. The last thing I want her to know is how deep my feelings for Ice run. Yeah, I know he will never be mine, but she doesn't need to know exactly how I feel about him.
I continue, "I knew that if I started a relationship with Ice, Hawk would back off. These boys don't mess with another brother's woman. I mentioned to Hawk one night that Ice had expressed an interest in me and he told me to go for it." I shrug. "I took that as him saying that he didn't want me. Looking back now, and knowing more about the club and the loyalty between the brothers, I realize that he was just stepping down for his prez."
"So, it was Hawk that you wanted all along?" she asks, and I can hear the hopeful tone in her voice. Even though everything I just said to her is a lie, it's what she needs to hear.
"At the time, yes. But as you know, I did fall in love with Ice." She knows that I loved him, so I can't lie here. "When Ice and I started dating, if that is what you want to call it, Hawk backed off completely. I even lost the friendship that we had built. Then you came into the picture."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh, Emma, don't be. At first, as you know, I was hurt and very jealous of you. But as time moved on and you and I became friends, I realized that it was always Hawk that I had wanted. During those early months, he and I developed a bond. I've always loved him, deeper than I could love any other man. I am really looking forward to our date next week." I think I've finally given her the reassurances that she wants. I care for Hawk, I really do, but I'm not in love with him. At least not yet, but I hope that our relationship will develop into something special.
"I think the feeling is mutual. I really do. I have watched him with you and it is so obvious. He chooses your company over anyone else." Emma pauses. "I hope it all works out for you."
"Me too!" And I realize at that moment, I really do.
"Hey, we need to go shopping next week before your date. Get you a killer outfit, get your hair and nails done, the works!" Emma suggests.
"Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't have the extra funds. Since the clubhouse burned down, I've lost a lot of money from tips from the bar. Things will pick back up when we move into the new clubhouse, but until then, I need to watch what I spend."
"I'm sorry, Honey. I didn't realize." She pauses and then asks, "Will you let me treat you? It would mean the world to me if you would."
"Why? Why would you want to do that?" Is this girl for real? I'm totally shocked by her offer.
"Well, there are a lot of things that you may or may not know about me. First of all, my family is loaded, which practically guarantees that I'll always have money. I have two trust funds and I earn a living. I know it sounds snooty, but money has never been a problem for me. I'm not one to spend money frivolously, but if I can spend some money on a friend to cheer her up or make her day, I'll do it. So, what do you say? Will you let me treat you to a girl's day out?"
"You would really do that for me?"
"Of course I would. What is the point of having all this money if I can't spend it to make a friend happy?"
I laugh. "It's a date!"
"Woohoo!" she exclaims. I am slowly finding out what it's like to have a true girlfriend.
Emma gets a lost look on her face and I ask, "Emma, are you ok?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking that the last time I had a girl's day out was with Brianne. It just makes me sad to think of all that she has endured because of Cade and me. Mark would never have targeted her if she weren't connected to me. I feel so guilty knowing that she is addicted to drugs and lying in a hospital bed totally out of it because of me."
"Can you go visit her?"
"Cade says not yet. Apparently, she is going through a detox right now and isn't herself, so to speak," she says.
"Oh, I see. I'm all too familiar with the whole detox thing. It's rough. I'm sorry." I pause and then add, "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to go with you when you do visit her."
"I would love that. I think I'm going to need all the moral support I can get, especially with Cade being gone. He said Hawk will be monitoring her progress while he is in Ireland and that Hawk will let me know when I can go see her."
"Honey, if you are sure you don't need any help, I'm gonna try to get some work done."
"Absolutely, hun. You do what you need to do."
She grabs her laptop and sets it up on the open spot on the counter, get herself a glass of tea, and turns from girlfriend to work mode.
Chapter 16
At 6:30 pm, Emma and I both hear Ice's Harley pull in the drive. He comes in the house and goes straight to Emma. "Hey, beautiful," he says as he walks over to her and kisses the top of her head lovingly. "Honey, that smells wonderful. I'm famished." He adds, "Reb and Hawk should be right behind me. They made a stop at the liquor store on the way. And the rest of the boys are coming behind them."
"Oh, good," I reply. "Dinner is just about ready."
"I didn't fuck things up by inviting the boys, did I?" he asks.
"Naw. You know me, Ice, I'm used to cooking for an army. We have plenty," I tell him. He sits down next to Emma and begins to inquire about her day. I work at putting the finishing touches on dinner so that everything will be ready when everyone gets here.
Not long after Ice returned, in walk Ari, Rebel, and Hawk. Ari had gone into to town to run some errands—she must have returned just as Hawk and Rebel arrived. Rebel has his arm around Ari lovingly … it's good to see them both happy. Not long after their arrival, the rest of the boys filter in. The house is now full of noise and laughter. I sure have missed this. It was always like this at the clubhouse, but since the explosion…well, things have been different. It's nice to see things falling back to some type of normalcy.
"Dinner's ready," I call out from the kitchen.
"Great, just let me drop these bags in my room and I'll be right out," Ari says.
"Honey, that smells amazing," Hawk says as he strolls into the kitchen. He comes up behind me and kisses me on my neck. My body tingles at his touch.
"I'll give you a hand," Rebel says as he follows Ari into her room.
During dinner, Rebel tells us a little about his parents and family, but when the conversation gets too involved, Ice quickly stops him and changes the subject. Instead, we talk about Ari leaving for school in the morning. She is not happy about it, but Ice insists. And like a good sister, she doesn't protest.
When dinner is over, Ari and Emma help me clean up. The majority of the club leaves after thanking me for a good meal.
Hawk and Rebel remain with Ice as they take their scotch and cigars and head for the game room. They start a game of pool as they smoke and drink.
After the kitchen is spotless, we join the guys and watch Ice and Hawk finish their game. When Hawk wins, he suggests that the girls play the guys. Oh, I'm down for that. It’s a good thing us girls are not competitive where pool is concerned. The guys, on the other hand, are. Well, at least at first—but then Emma and I kept them laughing so much, I think they forgot to care.
When we are done playing, Ice announces that he and Emma are calling it a night.
"Yeah," Hawk says, "I need to go, too." He looks over to me. "Walk me out?" he asks me. I smile as we walk toward the door.
My heart soars as I walk out of the house with Hawk. When we get to his bike he just stares
at me as he continues to hold onto my hand.
"Is this really gonna happen?" he asks.
I nod and reply, "I hope so."
"And Ice?"
"I'm not gonna lie to you; I have feelings for Ice. I always have." I see his expression turn from hopeful to disappointment and it breaks my heart, but he needs to understand. "Baby, look at me." He does, and I continue. "You, more than anyone, know what a mess I was when I came to this club. Ice is my savior because he gave me a home and a family. I thought I was in love with him. But when Emma came back, I realized that although it may be love, it's not the kind of love that he has for Emma or that I have always had for you. He may have been my savior, but you were always my confidant, my rock, and as I'm slowly learning, my love." I'm not being completely honest with Hawk, but I want him to understand that Ice is my past and he is my future. Hopefully, we can build on that.
"I needed to hear that," he says.
"And I needed to say it."
He caresses the side of my cheek and then says, "When you hooked up with Ice, I thought we were done. He is my prez and best friend, and there was no way I was going to interfere with that. I couldn't go against my prez. But then Emma came into the picture and I realized that he had been in love with her all his life. She was the woman for him. As much as I hated seeing you hurting, I was hopeful. But you had already pushed me so far out of your life I didn't know what to think."
"I'm sorry, I should never have pushed you away. But I never wanted there to be any trouble between you and Ice. So I felt that keeping my distance would make things easier."
He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close against him. "Are you still pushing me away?" he asks breathlessly.
"No," I reply, feeling his hot breath against my lips as he bends down to kiss me. At first, his lips are soft, hesitant, as if he is afraid that I will push him away. But when a moan escapes my lips, he knows there is no way in hell I'm pushing him away and he deepens the kiss, pulling me closer and ravaging my mouth.
Instinctively, I wrap my arms around his neck and my body molds against him. I can feel his erection pushing against my core as my tongue meets every desperate stroke of his tongue. I want him to take me right here, so I reach for the buckle of his belt. His hand immediately goes to my hand to stop me.