by Karen Deen
Like hell I don’t worry. I know there’s something not right with all of this. There was something so deep between us, and the way he just broke it off and then disappeared is just not right. At first, I was so angry with him that I couldn’t see straight. But when I got through the tears and anger, my rational brain started thinking how it doesn’t make sense. Until I see him again and talk to him, I won’t believe this is it.
Now this phone call. There is no way I’m sleeping now. It’s going to be another long day. I press the television on and start scanning Netflix for something to watch to try to stop my heart from thumping in my chest. I can’t help but be worried. He must be desperate if he called me and tried to hide who he was. I keep trying to tell myself he’s fine. He’s strong. We would’ve heard something by now if there were anything wrong.
For fuck’s sake, why is everything I scan past either a sappy romance or a damn cop show? That’s it, now I’m resorting to some show about gold mining in the Australian outback. Who comes up with this shit anyway? Reality television has a lot to answer for in dumbing down the population. Who am I kidding? I love to watch The Bachelor just for the laughs and the fashion. Those chicks are batshit crazy. But it’s worth the comic relief.
I must have drifted off a little because opening my eyes now, the television is still going but the sun is shining in through the crack in the curtains. I don’t know how long I was asleep but hopefully it’s enough to get me through another day. Work has been busy, but I’m glad because it keeps my mind occupied. Today is Monday, which means family meeting plus getting the week’s schedules out to the crew supervisors on site. I know I should be up doing my morning gym sessions, but my heart just isn’t in it at the moment. I told Xavier and Nat I’m taking time off and will let them know when I’m coming back. They both tried to tell me it’s important to keep active to help my mood. They might be right, but I just can’t do it. It’s taking all my strength just to function through the day.
I even tried to bargain with Xavier, to make him tell me what’s going on with Kane, and if he did, I’ll come to the gym. He just laughed at me and told me nice try. He swears he doesn’t know anything, but I can tell he’s lying. My only relief is that if he does know something, then he’ll know Kane’s okay. Xavier was Kane’s lifeline before I was around, so it makes sense he would lean back on him.
Looking at the time, I see it’s only six am so the morning is only just beginning. I contemplate if I should lie here a bit longer or not, but I’m feeling restless so swing my legs out from under the covers and start the day. Every time I have a shower I think of Kane. We had some pretty intense shower sessions, and the memories leave me longing for his touch, with no way of relieving it except with my vibrator, which doesn’t even interest me at the moment. I need to snap out of this. Time to get on with the day.
26
Lilly
“ZACH, CAN YOU PLEASE smack Luke around the back of the head for me?” I’m getting frustrated with the stupid shit coming out his mouth this morning.
“Seriously, sis, you need to get some sleep or get laid, one of the two.” Luke laughs at me across the table.
“Luke,” Alesha gasps. “You did not just say that to your sister. Dad would have a heart attack if he heard you say that.
“Can we keep our concentration on work?” Grant speaks above us all talking at the same time.
“Yes, Dad,” we all chant at the same time. It really pisses him off, that’s why we do it.
“Don’t even start. I swear I work with a bunch of kids,” he grumbles, scanning his tablet for the next point on the agenda we need to talk about. “Zach, what came of the chat the police had down at the river job? Did you find out what’s going on?”
“Not really. Just that there’s talk of some shady stuff happening down that end of town to do with a few women going missing. They didn’t give too much away, just wanted to talk to everyone to see if they had seen anything that may be of help.” Zach looks towards Alesha and me. “Did Kane say anything about it to either of you?”
“Well, he would actually have to show his gutless face for me to know anything.” No matter how much I try to push it aside, there’s still anger lying under the surface. I miss him desperately, but I’m still pissed at him too.
“Okay then, maybe we’ll leave that one alone, shall we?” Zach looks to the boys who are both trying to avoid eye contact with me. “So, next agenda point, Grant.” That’s Zach for you. Always the peacemaker in the family.
“Moving along then. Contract renewals with the contractors need to be signed off this afternoon when they’re finishing up for the day. One of us needs to be down there to sign off for the company. Dad has volunteered to accompany whoever’s going down.” Grant rolls his eyes as he does whenever Dad still tries to stick his nose in. “I’ll be in a meeting with council so I can’t. Luke and Zach are both in separate meetings, so can either of you girls go?”
I look to Alesha who looks like it’s the last thing she wants to be doing.
“Okay, I’ll do it. Get me out of the office for a while. Away from you annoying boys,” I volunteer reluctantly.
“You love us, Lilly. We’re the best brothers ever.” Luke puts his hands over his heart and flutters his eyelashes at me.
“You are such a dickhead. You know that?” I laugh at him because what else can you do.
***
After the meeting is finished, I finally manage to get my work done. That’s one thing in my job, as fast as I clear my emails, they just keep scrolling up the screen. Running the administration and finances with Alesha for the whole company and all the jobs is complicated and painstaking. If we get it wrong, we lose money, or jobs are held up. There are so many things that can go wrong if we drop the ball. I know the last few weeks Alesha has been carrying me and double-checking everything for me. My mind just hasn’t been in the game.
I pack up my bag and grab the folder with all the contracts I need for the sign off this afternoon, then I say my goodbyes and head for the garage. Thinking about what I need to concentrate on when I get to the site, I open up my car, placing my bag and files on the passenger seat. Moving to the driver’s side, I’m almost about to slide into my seat when I spot a small parcel on my windscreen. I look around to see if I can spot anyone, but the garage is empty. I take the parcel and sit in my car, closing the door so I’m completely alone.
I can’t help myself, I pull the paper off the small square. The tears start to lightly fall down my cheeks. It’s a child’s storybook version of Little Red Riding hood. The front cover, a picture of Red Riding Hood and the wolf. I open the front cover to see a simple note.
It just reads ‘I’m ok, Red. Wolf’. Four words that mean more to me than the whole alphabet today. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I know for sure that was Kane on the phone last night, and whatever it is that he needed help with, just hearing me must have gotten him through it. This is his way of letting me know that he’s okay. My heart relaxes for the first time today.
But why can’t he talk to me? He must know what he’s doing to me. I’m relieved that he’s okay, yet I’m cranky at him for not giving me more. I need to know what he’s doing and why he ended us, but is still hovering in the background. It’s weird and creepy. I didn’t take him for the stalker type. Does he not have the guts to face me after what he did to me? I’m all of a sudden feeling very confused. He doesn’t want me, yet he leaves me this.
What are you doing to me, Kane?
This is so unlike him. I took him for the straight-up direct kind of guy.
I’m not sure how long I’m sitting there before my phone rings to startle me and snap me out of my state of confusion.
“Hi, Daddy, sorry I got held up at the office. I’ll be there soon.” Starting my car, I need to get to the job site before the end of shift.
“It’s okay, princess, please don’t rush. I don’t want you to have an accident.”
“Dad, are you making
fun of my driving?”
“No, princess, not at all. All seven accidents you’ve had were obviously the other person’s fault. Just take it easy and I’ll see you soon. Don’t worry, I’ll have the contractors all sorted and ready for when you get here. They won’t move before I tell them they can.” I don’t doubt that one bit. When Dad speaks, everyone takes notice. It’s just the way he is. He’s a man of authority, but not in an arrogant way. He is very well respected by all our staff and contractors even though he’s retired.
“Thanks, Daddy, I’ll be there soon.”
As I drive through the city, I glance to the side and see the book on my seat. I’m so torn. My heart is crying for the sweetness of it. The message that only I would understand and the thoughtfulness of letting me know he’s fine. But my head is angry that he’s playing with my emotions and leaving me hanging. I have no idea what to think and no way of being able to talk to him when he’s cut me off.
After two near misses of accidents, I arrive at the job site down near the river, rushing to the site office where I can see everyone waiting for me. Apologizing, I rush through the crowd to find Dad at the table with everything set up and ready to go, just waiting for the contracts that I have with me.
“Okay, people, just give Lilly a minute and we’ll be ready to get you all done and out of here for the day.” They all just nod their heads while I fluster, getting everything I need out.
Dad takes control and the signings go smoothly. No one complains and are all happy to sign what’s being provided to them for the next job’s contract. We are loyal to our contractors providing they do the right thing by us too. It’s a mutual respect. With the last contractor heading out the door of the site shed, I start to breathe a sigh of relief that today is finally over. I’m exhausted and just want to go home, take a bath with a bottle of wine and just shut out the world for a while.
“Thanks for your help this afternoon, Dad. It’s always a bit crazy but we got it done without any hassles with you here. I’m going to head off now.” My arms are full with my bag and files.
“Give me those.” He takes the files from my hands. “I’ve arranged a table at the Italian place down the road for me to take you to dinner. Just the two of us.” He waits for me to start walking to the car.
I sigh, wishing I were going home, but if Dad says we’re doing dinner then who am I to argue? I suppose it can’t hurt. I do need to eat. Plus, it’ll be nice to just have a bit of quiet time with Dad. It’s not often we’re alone, just the two of us. Normally Mom is with him and she tends to dominate the conversation while Dad just puts his two cents’ worth in occasionally. Or when the whole family is together, you can forget getting a quiet conversation with anyone. Dad is usually entertaining the grandkids or helping Mom fussing over the mountain of food she’s prepared. Lastly, his other job is to calm Mom. When she gets carried away, he steps in and centers her. It’s gorgeous to watch. He loves her more than I can put a value on. It’s like this great universal aura that sits around them. Eternal love is what I would call it.
I follow Dad in my car down the road to the parking for the restaurant, where we pull into a quaint little row of shops. This area of the city has started to develop over the last few years and things are looking up. There are still old and rundown buildings. But one by one, they’re getting bought and either refurbished or demolished by companies like ours, to make way for improvements to the area.
Before I can get out of my car, Dad is at the door waiting to open it for me.
“Thanks, Daddy.” He pulls me in for a hug when I stand from my car. Not just a normal one but the kind of hug that says, I love you and I’ve got you. You are always going to be my little girl and I will protect you. I hang on tight because it is exactly what I need today.
Hooking me under his arm, we walk into the restaurant and are seated and quickly order some dinner.
“How come Mom let you out on your own for dinner? That’s not like her. Not that I mind.”
He starts laughing his deep belly laugh. “You make it sound like your mother controls me.” Which we both know she does but only as much as he lets her. He does it to keep her happy, but when push comes to shove, he controls the whole family with a snap of the fingers, including Mom. “She’s over at Alesha’s tonight discussing wedding things. No way did I want to be anywhere near that dinner. Plus, it was the perfect opportunity to catch up with you.” He takes my hand in his.
“What’s going on, princess. You’re totally off-balance. I can see it in your body language, and the sparkle in your eye is all dull and nearly gone. I think it’s time you told me what’s going on. Let me help.” The love and compassion in my dad’s eyes nearly cause me to fall apart instantly. I don’t want to make a fool of myself in public, so I take a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“It’s just been a tough few weeks. You know Kane, Xavier’s best friend?”
“Yes, sweetheart, I know Kane. The great policeman and the man you’ve had your eye on for a while. If I can guess where this is going it’s that this has become more than having your eye on him. Am I right?” He gives me that soft smile that makes you believe you can tell him anything.
“I’m not going to lie. I’ve fallen in love with him.” The tears are sitting just waiting to stream down my face.
“What’s the problem then?” he asks like it’s that simple.
“He doesn’t feel the same.” I pause and sigh at the realization that is the simple truth. “He broke it off a few weeks ago and has disappeared since. He’s left me shattered and heartbroken. More than that, though, he’s left me totally confused. I really thought he felt the same. It’s the first time I’ve felt like this and now I know why I avoided it.”
The waiter arrives with our food and Dad sits quietly waiting for everything to be sorted and for him to leave. Then he just says quite bluntly what he thinks. “I call bullshit on him not feeling the same. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Like he wants to devour you. Then when you look at each other, the sparks that are flying are more than a relationship that’s just a bit of fun. I don’t know what that boy is thinking, but I can tell you, it’s not that he doesn’t love you. That word is written all over his face and body language whenever you’re near him.”
I love my dad. He never pulls any punches. He says it exactly how he sees it. He starts to eat his pizza, just watching me try to digest what he’s just said.
“Then where is he, and why the hell did he tell me to move on and see other people? I know he’s worried about the job he does and what a stress that will be to any woman he’s with, but what if I don’t care? What if I will happily take that risk? He’s just taken off and I can’t even tell him that. It’s just so weak. I thought he had way more balls than that.” I don’t really feel like eating my gnocchi now. I can feel Dad’s eyes looking at me waiting for me to start, though. I feel like I’m six years old again being made to eat my vegetables. Not being allowed to leave the table until I did. So, like the good daughter I am, I pick up my fork and start to eat it slowly.
“Did you ever think in his line of work he’s trying to protect you from something? Don’t you think it’s strange he breaks up with you then disappears? It sounds strange to me. Have you spoken to Xavier about it?”
“Yes, and he’s tightlipped. I know he knows something; he just won’t share it. So damn frustrating. Alesha assures me she doesn’t know. I told her to use her special powers with him, but it still didn’t work.” Putting another forkful in my mouth, Dad says something that nearly makes me choke on it.
“Lilly, too much information on your sister’s sex life. Remember I’m her dad. I don’t need to know what her superpowers are.” Like I would ever tell him that anyway.
“What makes you think I was talking about sex, Dad?” I ask all innocent.
“I might be old, princess, but I’m married to your mother. Let me assure you, I know all about a woman’s superpowers when it comes to the love of their life.”
“Okay, you win on the too-much-information game. Let’s move past talking about your and Mom’s sex life, please.”
Dad lets out a loud chuckle. “Look, all I can say to you, sweetheart, is that you need to trust Kane. I think there’s more to this than you know. From what I know of him from the night we had to rescue Xavier, he’s a good man. I can’t believe he would just dump you and run off. That’s not the sort of man he is. I suggest you hang in there.” He reaches out to put his hand on my shoulder. “Just answer me one thing. If he walked in here this moment, what is the first thing you would say to him?” He looks me straight in the eyes and into my soul.
I can’t lie to my dad. “I love you and please be with me. I need you.” It’s too much now the tears start to flow. Just little trickles coming down my cheeks. Dragging his chair closer to mine, Dad pulls me in for a cuddle. “I never knew love could hurt so much,” I mumble into his shoulder.
“Ah yes, but it can also be such an amazing feeling too. One that nothing will ever match. Your mom and I have been married for a very long time. Can I tell you, it’s not always perfect. There have been times we’ve both hurt each other, badly, and where I wasn’t sure I would recover. But the good thing about love is that it has a built-in forgiveness part. If you are truly meant to be together, then the love will always shine through all you throw at it. This will just be the first of many speedbumps in your relationship with Kane. He’ll be back for you. I’m certain of it.”
I remain with my head lying on his shoulder, letting all he has said sink in.