Evangeline, Alone. (Book 1): Evangeline, Alone

by Styles, M. A.

  Her blood shot eye screamed with the red starbursts, the blue-green of her iris looking extremely bright in contrast. A few bruises in the shape of finger tips dotted her throat, her cheek still spread over with the old yellowing bruise. He thought of her ribs and shoulder; her head, and the cuts on her arm, everything.

  They stared at each other, no words between them, their eyes locked almost daring the other to say something. Finally her eyes slid off to the side of him, and she brushed passed him into the Block.

  “Don’t ever leave this gate for me,” she spat. Her voice sounding breathless, and exhausted, but also fed-up, as she passed him by.

  He turned with her as she went. “You have to stop at some point.” Stop what? He thought. The words came out without him thinking. Stop and rest? Stop fighting for everyone but herself? Stop looking at yourself for everything that happens to everyone else?

  She hesitated in her stride, then turned back to him. Her face was a mix of pain and anger. She took a step towards him, and with the next one her knee buckled and she went down on it. Her eyes started to roll into the back of her head, Evan’s voice screaming in her ears. She dry heaved into the dirt, going down on all fours, a little liquid coming out with bile. Then she fell over on her side as Jack ran to her, Charlie and Laila behind him.

  CHAPTER 32

  Small Sips

  What is that buzzing sound? Evie’s body was heavy. Every limb felt heavy, like stone, even her eyelids, but she didn’t know where she was. The strange sound gave a surge of panic through her system. She tried to calm herself. Focus. She could hear herself breathing, steadily. That buzzing. Her pulse was a bit loud in her ears. She felt warmth and softness on her hand. She moved her fingertips a bit to feel it. A blanket? She heard a shuffling sound to her right and froze, playing asleep. She felt someone pushing down on the bed she laid in, then the cold of an ice cube being rubbed across her lips. Her eyes fluttered open a bit.

  White rectangles on the ceiling. Dimmed fluorescent lights, buzzing. Drop tiles with their little holes over head. She turned in the direction where her bed was pushed down.

  “Evie?” Her eyes focused in on Chris sitting next to her. A bowl of ice cubes on her lap. “Hey, you up?”

  She tried to pull her eyelids open more, but it was like they were tied down to her cheeks and stuck to her eyeballs, “Why am- Who did-“

  “Alright, it’s alright.” Chris put the bowl on a little filing cabinet next to the bed and pushed some hair out of Evie’s eyes. “No one did anything. You’re severely dehydrated. You collapsed outside.”

  “What?” Her head spun. She tried to remember. There was the darkness of the night. The small swarm of wanderers off in the woods. Jack’s face at the gate.

  “Can you sit up?” She wrapped her arms around the back of Evie, and hoisted her up a bit.

  Evie could feel the woman’s firm bump of stomach against her side.

  “Don’t,” she waved her off, and slowly started pushing herself up. She gave a little gesture to her belly. “I got it.”

  Chris reached to the top of the cabinet again and picked up a cup of water. “Take small sips. I’m going to need you to polish off about two pints before I can have you get up and run out of here.

  Evie’s eyes fell at the comment and sipped. Her mouth was like cotton. She could feel the back of her throat almost sticking together, peeling apart as the cold water dripped down it. The coolness ran all the way through her, and she could feel it falling into her empty stomach. She took another small sip. Her head pounded around the front and sides like she was wearing a crown suctioned to her head. Another sip.

  “Didn’t know you were a drinker,” Chris said, settling back into her chair.

  Evie looked at her confused at first, but then she saw Chris holding up the flat glass bottle she had drained and flung away before she left last night. She took a deep breath in annoyance at what felt like an incoming lecture. She gave no response.

  Chris clanked it down next to her bed, and Evie looked over at it. The memory of the foul, sweet, potent liquor made her stomach turn. She began to breath through her nose in an attempt to settle herself, then took another tiny sip. Beyond the bottle she saw another plastic cup of the Block’s filled with flowers constructed of colored paper and pipe cleaners.

  “The kids saw you collapse outside. Watched Jack carry you in. That’s from them,” Chris said, still looking sternly at her.

  Evie took another sip and avoided her stare. She looked down at the cup and noticed how filthy her hands were, dirt creeping up passed her wrists. Then she felt the thick, stiff patch of her pants on her knee under the blanket. She was still in her clothes from yesterday, but she noticed Chris must have changed her arm bandage while she was unconscious. The red-brown lines weren’t there anymore, and the gauze was a pristine white.

  “You can clean yourself up after you hit that two pint mark. But you’ll have to have two more after that too. And two more after that.” Chris put her feet up on the end of the bed, her legs stretched out straight.

  “You don’t have to stay-“

  “Save it,” Chris said, no patience left for her. “I’m staying until you get those first two pints in you, and you have to do it slowly, so deal with it.”

  Evie couldn’t help it. The corners of her mouth twitched up a little at Chris’s attitude. She nodded her head. “Okay. Got it.” Her voice was raspy, her tongue and mouth still sticky and sour. Her lips cracked when she spoke. She took another sip.

  “I have to tell you, Evie. I like you. Whether you like it or not, we’re friends. So I’m going to be honest here,” she paused for a minute, but had her head laying on the back of her chair, eyes closed, face to the ceiling. Mac sipped some more and waited. “I’m getting really sick of taking care of you.”

  Evie almost spit out the little bit of water in her mouth as she guffawed. Chris rolled her head a bit to the side and opened one eye to look at her.

  “I’m tired, and hungry, and don’t want to have to look at you after you’ve gone through hell anymore.”

  Evie dropped her eyes again to her glass. There was nothing funny about that to her.

  “I forget sometimes,” she mumbled to Chris.

  “What?” she asked, as she put her feet back on the floor, and leaned in closer to her.

  “I forget.” Her eyes swung slowly up to look at Chris, but she kept her head down. “I forget how it feels for everyone else.”

  “Well, when you say it like that, I feel a little shitty. Like I”m upset about being bothered having to make sure you’re not going to die. Like I’m a selfish monster.”

  “No,” Evie shook her head, and immediately regretted it, squinting one eye closed to the pain. When it subsided she looked at Chris. “That’s not what I meant. I just… I don’t care anymore.”

  Chris’s chest slowly rose as she took in a big breath at the words.

  “I go out there, do what has to be done. I just see-“ she cut herself off, thinking, and then waved her finger around her face, “This is part of it. I’m used to it. I heal. I go out again.”

  “Mmhm,” Chris said in yeah-I-know sarcasm.

  Evie let out a soft chuckle. “I forget it’s not like that for a lot of people. Even still now. But,” she paused and cleared her throat taking a bit more water in. “That’s why I do it. I just figure, if I can, and I’m used to it, why put it on someone else who can’t take it or just can’t get the job done?”

  Chris leaned further in and put an elbow on the nurse’s cot. Her other hand took one of Evie’s.

  “Ever think of just taking a break for a little bit? Let people sort some stuff out on their own and know it’s not your fault regardless of how it turns out?”

  “No.” She didn’t even take a moment to think. “If I could’ve done something, and I didn’t, it is my fault.”

  Chris sighed and gave her a small smile. She sucked on her bottom lip. It was true, she would feel the same way too. But she also
knew there was more. She had felt the same thing recently.

  “Who did you lose?” she asked softly.

  She swallowed hard before answering, as if it would keep down what she was feeling from that question.

  “Everyone. Everyone. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever cared about. And it was me who lost them. I lost them. I left them all. They’re dead because of me.”

  Chris tilted her head to the side, looking at her with sad eyes. “Evie, you can’t possibly-“

  “All of them,” she said directly at her.

  Chris let her hand slide off hers and sat back. “I can see how it feels like that. I feel like that sometimes, letting someone go. But at the end of the day, everyone makes their own decisions, Evie. You’re not responsible for that.”

  Her eyes glistened a bit, as she shook her head no. “What if the decisions I made are what did it? I made the choices that took them all away. Put them in the places where they were hurt. Where they died.” Her voice wavered a bit as she spoke, clenching with emotion that she fought to keep down.

  “Why do you think you have so much power that you could do that?” Chris asked the question kindly, but directly.

  Evie stopped for a moment and looked at her. She didn’t know what to say to that.

  Chris smiled at her. “I want you to think of those times you’re talking about, honey. Regardless of how it ended, whatever you supposedly told these people to do, think of why you told them to do it. All you have is your intensions, and I’m sure they were not only good, but the right thing to do. What ever happened beyond that, it’s not your fault. “

  Her eyes slid to the ceiling trying to block the tears, the tingling sensation creeping up through her sinuses. She sniffed them back.

  Chris stood up and brushed the hair out of Evie’s face again. “No one knows what’s going to happen. They can only think of what would be best. I have no doubt, whatever you’ve done, you thought it was best.”

  They stayed together quietly for a little while, letting the silence take them in.

  “Now, I’m going to go see what I can scrape up in the common room from dinner, because, like I said, I’m hungry. All the time.” She headed for the door out of the office, stopping at the sink to fill up another glass and handed it to Evie, taking the empty one away. “I’m going to get you some apple sauce too. Keep working on that one. Little sips still.”

  She went for the door, and it opened in front of her. Jack stood in the doorway. He glanced over at the bed and saw Evie sitting up awake. His face perked up.

  “Well, this works out. Could you just sit with her while I grab us some food? Have her keep sipping at that water.” She stood aside so he could come in. She leaned into him as she went to leave, speaking softly. “I was going to swing by your room, and tell you she was up, but I guess you saved me the trip.” She gave him a smile and left.

  Evie was back to quietly sipping and staring at her glass.

  “Hey,” Jack said as he walked to her bedside.

  She sipped from her full cup. “Hey.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  The water slurped a bit as she took some in again, and she shrugged. “This is helping.” She showed him the full, plastic glass.

  He looked at her and swallowed hard, trying to get up the nerve to ask her something. “Do you remember what you said to me before you collapsed?”

  She looked for the answer in her cup, not ready to look at him yet. “No.”

  He scoffed a bit, eyes up at the ceiling, feeling a little frustrated, but when he looked back at her, his face was soft.

  “You told me to never go after you outside of this place.”

  She took a drink in response. He waited. Nothing.

  “You have no right,” he said to her firmly.

  She turned to him in surprise. That hadn’t been what she expected him to say. Now they were looking at each other, almost unable to look away.

  “You come around here, and act like you’re not worth anything. Not worth our efforts. But you can go all over, doing whatever, for us?” He shook his head, aggravated. “That’s not how we work. And honestly, all the other places you’ve taken us to… that’s not how it works there either. You come to us, and give and give, and expect us not to care about you? We all care about you, and there’s nothing you can do to stop that. And I know you try hard to find something, but there’s nothing. Whether you want to stay here with us or not, for whatever reason. You’re always going to be welcomed here. Your room will always be there.”

  He broke their gaze when he looked down at the floor, seeming to find where to go next since she still had nothing to say.

  “My way here wasn’t easy or quiet. We all saw things, or had to do things we never thought ourselves capable, after it all happened. Or had to go through things we never thought we would. I know it’s still nothing compared to what you’ve gone through, but I understand the feelings of being lost or worried about what’s going to happen next. Who to believe, to trust. I trust you. I’m not asking you to trust me, but I would like you to. I. Trust. You. I’m asking you to trust yourself, too. You help so many people through their nightmares. I want you to help yourself now. You’ve done good for us, beyond good.” He leaned over to her bed, his eyes almost pleading, the sincerity pouring out of his mouth. “Do it for yourself for once, and know we’re here if you need us, too. I’m here… if you need me.”

  Evie could feel her hands trembling as she fought back all the pain she pushed so far down. She grabbed her cup a bit tighter to hide it. Her chest felt hollow, and she wanted to tell him how much she needed the people here and at the Ranch, including him. But she couldn’t. Not with the little voice still ringing in her ears when she’d start to lose herself, when she closed her eyes at night.

  “Plus,” he said, sitting back in the chair and laughing a bit. “Who’s going to keep me grounded with my archery skills now that I can actually loose an arrow?”

  She laughed a bit. She couldn’t help it, but it felt good. She looked over at him again. The hollowness in her chest pulsated at the sight, and she thought of all the things she’s told him, that she’s shared. It was easy with him, because she could tell he really did care. Fucking Robin Hood, in it for the good of the people.

  She gave him a weak smile and a little shake of her head. “I, I just don’t know where to start, or if I can even face it?”

  He leaned back over to her, putting his hands on the bed at her side, their hands inches apart. “There’s only one place to start.” He watched as she closed her eyes, knowing what he was going to say next, whether he really knew what it meant or not. “At the beginning.”

  He watched as the tiniest bit of moisture gathered at the corner of her eyes, but she blinked it away. She wasn’t ready for that yet, to let it stream down her face. So she took another sip of water, finishing her second pint. Just then, Chris returned holding a bowl of salad and a few strips of dried fish. A tiny jar of apple sauce teetered on the edge of the tray. She looked at them, but glanced away, heading for her desk to set the things down.

  Jack sat back, and cleared his throat again. “I also wanted you to know, we brought your stuff back from the Jeep. I placed it on top of your closet since there’s guns and all these kids around. Including your derringer.”

  Her head turned to him at the information. “What? I thought they took it at the cabin. I thought it was gone.”

  “Nope,” Chris chimed in as she opened the jar of apple sauce with a pop and headed her way. “Found it under the cot when you left last time. It must have fallen out of your clothes when we checked you over.” She gave her a tiny smile. “I gave it to Jack when you guys came back not knowing, frankly, what or whose it was.”

  She looked back at him. His eyes were now fearful, and sad. He knew what it was.

  “I wasn’t sure if I should give it to you… right now.” He looked at her knowingly. “But that’s not my place.”

  She began to tremble again. He
knew where it came from, how important it was, and why she kept it around. She had never told anyone else. How has he acquired all of these secrets in these months? She didn’t want to look at him and see the knowledge in his face, but she wanted him to know how much it meant to her.

  “Thank you for that,” she said, gripping the empty glass tight to still her hands and ground her. She realized how ridiculous she felt holding an empty cup and placed it back down on the filing cabinet next to her with the paper flowers.

  He nodded, his eyes low, then they went to hers again. “I just really hope you don’t have to use it.”

  He stood up to go, and as he placed his hands on the bed to help himself up from the chair, he let their fingertips touch for a moment. Chris looked at him as he left, each giving the other a nod goodbye. She handed Evie the jar and a spoon.

  “Eat up, slow with this too. I’ll get you another cup of water.” She took the empty one and refilled it.

  Evie took a spoonful of the apples, the sweet tartness tasting better than she ever thought it could. Funny what hunger can do to you. Chris put the full cup back in its place next to her. Then she stood and watched her eat until the little jar was empty. She took it, and placed it next to her tray, the food still not touched.

  “Good job. Back to the water now. You don’t have to sip, but don’t chug it yet either.”

  She watched as Evie took a good sized gulp, letting it sit in her mouth for a bit. Evie looked at her after she had brought her tray of food over and took her seat at the bed again. Then she began to devour the food in front of her.

  “I’d really like to go take a shower. Is it alright now, if I head up?”

  Chris froze mid-bite, a piece of lettuce hanging from her lips. She slurped it in and chewed to clear her mouth.

  “Are you actually asking me for permission, as if my medical expertise means something to you suddenly?” she asked sarcastically.

  Evie smiled at her, letting out a laugh. “I always respected your medical expertise. It just wasn’t always convenient.”