“That’s because you don’t know what I do. Brooke is different. Right Billy?” Scott leaned over and picked up the bills.
“She’s different all right.” Billy scrubbed a hand over his face.
“Where is she, by the way?” Scott asked, folding the twenties into his wallet with a grin.
“I kicked her out.” All right, he was exaggerating but essentially that’s what he’d done. And also it sounded a lot better than the truth.
Wallace plunked down his flask on the coffee table with a loud thump. “You defend a girl’s honor and then you kick her out?”
“Isn’t that kind of self-defeating?” Scott asked.
“Let’s just say she didn’t appreciate my actions as well as I’d hoped.” Billy poured himself another shot.
“I see. So she’s an ‘I can take care of myself’ type and I don’t need you Alpha males starting up shit?” Wallace scowled into his drink.
Something didn’t feel right talking about Brooke, brothers or not. Also, he wasn’t going to pour out his heart. He’d already done that with his girl and he sure wasn’t going to do it with his brothers. The teasing wouldn’t stop until next Christmas, and then only if he was lucky.
“Yeah.”
“And?” Scott pressed.
“And I’m not talking about it.” Billy slammed down the flask and poured again.
He glanced up to see Wallace and Scott exchange a look.
“It’s worse than I thought.” Wallace said. “This girl played hockey with your brain.”
“No hockey analogies.” Billy slammed back another shot.
“Wait a minute, Billy,” Scott interrupted. “Before you get too sauced there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Now’s not the time,” Wallace gave Scott a pointed look.
“What is it?” Billy poured another shot for Wallace, who just stared at it and then back at Billy.
“Well, you know your ex-girlfriend, Fallon? I didn’t really tell you the whole story. Here’s the thing of it. She’s in trouble, and she needs money,” Scott said.
“There it is,” Wallace said, throwing up his hands.
Billy groaned. Everybody always needed money from him. At least Fallon wasn’t trying to lie about having had his illegitimate child. Wait. Or was she? His brain was a little foggy but crap, he was scared for a minute. He didn’t want to have a family with Fallon.
“Wait. Why does she want money from me?” He became vaguely aware of Wallace moving the bottle out of Billy’s line of vision.
“She’s going through a divorce and fighting a custody battle with the ex. She’s afraid to lose custody.” Scott lifted a shoulder.
Billy threw back his head like this was the worst news he’d ever heard in his life. Malt Scotch had a way of making him feel everything a hell of a lot more intensely. “How much does she need?”
“I don’t know. You’d have to talk to her about that. I just said I’d swing it by you. Also, if you could get her a job too, that would be great.”
What was he, some kind of magician? If he were, he’d waste no time in materializing Brooke in his bed right now. He might have been a bit hasty earlier, come to think of it. He let out a slow even breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Money. A job. Anything else?”
“No, I think that would do it.” Scott grinned, taking a gulp of his beer.
“What does she do for a living?” Wallace asked.
Scott shrugged.
Billy could hire her at the winery. It would upset the hell out of Brooke. But even now, he couldn’t do it. What a sap. “Maybe she can clean my house.”
Scott turned in a semi-circle. “But your place is immaculate.”
“That’s because of Brooke,” Billy said, rubbing his eyes. Suddenly he was exhausted. “But I plan on trashing the place from now on.”
“Oh. Well, then.” Scott said, putting his beer down. “This seems like a good time for me to exit. I told Ma I’d stop by. Later, bro.”
Scott let himself out the door, but Wallace didn’t move. Billy closed his eyes for a minute and when he opened one eye he found his big brother staring at him. “What?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. A little tired.” No one needed to worry about him. He was going to be fine. He just had a lot of decisions to make, but he’d make them in the morning with a clearer head.
“I’ve never seen you like this over a woman.”
Well, she wasn’t just any woman. She happened to be the woman but what did Wallace know about it? Anyway, it was none of his business. “You’ve never seen me like how?”
“Like someone hit you over the head with a baseball bat. Or like that time you actually did have a concussion and we had to run you to the hospital.”
“Get real. I’m fine.”
“What about Fox sports? Are you going to take that?”
The last thing he wanted to talk about. He had been about to tell Gigi to turn the whole thing down, but maybe what he needed right now was some distance from Brooke. Give her some time to think things through. The winery could run without his help. Brooke obviously didn’t need him. “I don’t know.”
What he did know scared him a little bit. He wanted Brooke, and a bunch of children by her. Maybe their own little league team. But it had been his misfortune to fall for a girl who didn’t trust the whole institution. Probably should have checked that out first.
Problem being, he’d had no idea he’d ever wanted those things until Brooke.
17
Brooke spent Christmas day at the farm. She and Billy hadn’t so much as cuddled in twenty days and five hours, but who was counting? They hadn’t split up, not technically, but Brooke certainly recognized the avoidance method. She’d never said she wanted to break up, but she guessed a man like Billy Turlock couldn’t let his ego take a beating like the one she’d inflicted. He’d take it personally, and not understand there was something wrong with an institution that had such a high rate of failure.
Before he’d left for a children’s charity fundraiser he made a point to tell her that they would talk on the 25th when he got back. Eileen had invited her to the Turlock family Christmas, but it was only fair to spend the day with Mom since she’d spent Thanksgiving with the Turlocks.
She would miss everyone, but it wouldn’t be the same without Billy. Anyway, she wasn’t exactly filled with Christmas good cheer and love for her fellow man. But Mom had seen Brooke in every one of her foul moods and still loved her somehow. Probably because it was in the Mom contract.
The farm actually looked festive this year – there were fairy lights strung between the trees (solar, of course) and the sharp smell of pine permeated the air. They usually planted a pine tree outside every year, this one being no exception. No tree inside, because that would be murder.
Inside the smell of a roasted turkey (organic Mom said, from the farm next door), cinnamon, nutmeg and spices.
Looking around the table at dinner, Brooke realized that Mom’s unorthodox collection of hippie friends felt a little bit like family. Sure, an odd conglomeration of quirky characters who didn’t have any blood connection to her. They kept their distance for the most part, and inquired politely about her life while staying on the outskirts where she wanted them to be. Not like Billy’s family who was all up in his business and life.
Wonder what Eileen had made for dinner?
“Would you pass the goat milk, dear?” Mrs. Deering asked at the dinner table.
“Sure,” Brooke passed the little dish that had must have come from Dolly’s nipples.
“I always like to make sure that Dolly’s contributions to dinner are used up.” She took a swallow of the milk, made a face and put it down.
Brooke picked at her dinner. Strange, because it was by far the best food she’d ever had at the farm and yet she had no appetite.
“Are you all right, Brookie?” This was from Al, an odd man she’d long suspected might have a crush on Mom.
<
br /> “Yeah.Fine.”
“Well, you don’t look fine if you don’t mind my saying.”
“I think she does mind,” Mrs. Deering said. “What kind of a thing is that to say?”
“Look at her. She’s too thin. And also, she looks pale. Melinda, what do you think?”
“Al, she’s been working hard. Let’s give her a break,” Mom answered.
Brooke didn’t have the energy for their concern. Maybe some sugar would cheer her up. “So what’s for dessert?”
“Ah! Now you’re talking.” Melinda got up from the large farm table and trotted into the kitchen. She came back with pie. “Pumpkin cheesecake. Your favorite.”
“Wow, thanks, Mom,” Brooke said without enthusiasm. She picked at the filling, leaving most of the crust.
Of course, no one at the farm believed in buying presents because that signified excessive consumerism. For once, Brooke couldn’t care less.
Mom had knitted her a sweater in colorful autumn colors. Mrs. Deering made cards for all of them. Al had whittled Brooke a heart out of wood. She touched the smooth edges of the heart. A lot of work went into whittling. She’d had no idea the man was so talented.
“Thank you,” Brooke said to all the gifts. “I brought you all some wine.”
“Of course you did,” Mrs. Deering said.
She circled around and handed over Mirassu Merlot, Pinot, Cabernet, and Chardonnay. Of course the wine reminded her of Billy.
“So Brooke, when do you think you’ll settle down and bring some lucky guy around to meet us all?” Mrs. Deering elbowed Mom.
This was of course, the running joke every year. Brooke would always quip that no man alive could handle or tame her. Everyone would laugh loudly and say “You got that right” and that would be the end of it.
Ahead of time, everyone began giggling in anticipation. Brooke couldn’t laugh this time, and for some reason, she burst into tears.
Al stood up so fast that he knocked his chair over and nearly fell into the fresh organic cranberry sauce. “What’s wrong with her?”
Mrs. Deering came to pat Brooke’s back. “What do you think, idiot? She’s crying. Obviously she’s upset over something you said.”
“Something I said? What did I say?” Al asked.
“So now you’ve got short term memory loss? You should try some of my flax seed oil.”
“Really, Clara? You want to talk about my memory when Brookie is crying? What’s wrong with you? And who forgot to turn off the stove last week?”
“Stop it,” Mom said, rubbing Brooke’s back and handing her some tissues. “I think I’d like to talk to Brooke alone.”
This was so out of control. Brooke couldn’t stop or get a hold of a breath. Al and Mrs. Deering left the room and Brooke sort of slid off the chair on to the floor. Felt kind of cool down here, but there were crumbs everywhere. Did anyone ever clean this floor? She would ask, but she couldn’t breathe.
Mom didn’t say a word for a minute. “I’m going to let you cry. You need it. And no one should stop you. Don’t worry, I’m fine with it.”
But when Brooke didn’t stop, Mom took her hand and raised her up off the floor. “You’ll be more comfortable on the couch.”
The couch was soft all right, being made from the coat of one of Dolly’s friends, Lana the lamb. So soft that Brooke sunk into the middle. Now she struggled against a sofa that would swallow her whole. After a little while the sobs became hiccups. Finally this torture would end. Really, how did women do this? Crying took so much energy. Energy better spent doing…anything else.
“I’m sorry about this,” Brooke said to Mom’s pale face.
“What’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself all day. You didn’t even roll your eyes when Mrs. Deering mentioned the super algae she’s selling now. And you haven’t mentioned the lack of a tree inside once this year.”
“I guess I’m having some residual Holiday issues. You know, from the divorce.”
Mom narrowed her eyes. “I can always tell when you’re lying. Does this have anything to do with Billy?”
Brooke hiccupped. “Maybe. He wants to have babies, and all that crap I said I’d never do.”
“Oh dear. And what did you tell him?”
“I couldn’t tell him I love him, so of course he won’t talk to me now. Because he’s used to getting his way. He’s a spoiled brat.” Except she didn’t believe that anymore. Did spoiled brats put their mother’s suitors through a background check? Spend Christmas Day in the children’s cancer ward? Buy a vineyard to make his grandfather happy?
“Or maybe he’s hurt that you don’t feel the same way. You do love him, don’t you?”
Maybe Mom was right. He was hurt. “I guess.”
“You— guess?”
“Fine! I love him with the heat of a thousand suns! I love him like crazy! What else do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what you’d do if you weren’t so afraid.”
“Afraid? Me?” Mom had to be talking to someone else in the room.
“It’s been hard to keep my mouth shut, but you can’t go around jumping out of planes to show everyone how brave you are. The real courage is in the everyday living. The single mother who wakes up every morning and takes care of her children, hoping someday it will get easier. Not giving up on love just because sometimes it doesn’t work. Oh honey, I’m so sorry about me and your Dad. We held on too long, because I tried so hard to make it work.”
“It’s okay, Mom. The divorce ruined you, but you bounced back. Sort of.”
“What do you mean the divorce ruined me?”
“You had a career and after the divorce you lost everything. Came to live at this farm to sell shampoo. I’m sorry Dad did that to you. I never told you that before.”
“Is that what you think? The divorce didn’t ruin me, honey. I took him to the cleaners. Believe me, I got my share.”
That didn’t make any sense. “Then why do you live here?”
“I want to live here. This is what I wanted for my life. It’s my choice. And by the way, this is my place. My farm. My land.”
“Yours?”
“And someday it will be yours.”
“But —why didn’t you tell me?”
“You never asked. I assumed you knew.”
“But all these people who live here – do they pay you rent?”
Mom laughed. “Oh no dear. They’re my friends. Some of them need a hand up, and I give it to them. I choose to surround myself with people who think the way I do. I’ve got something to share with the world, and I’m not greedy. Not anymore.”
“How – how did you manage to get all this land? How did you get Dad to pay you that much money?”
“Remember that I was once a damned good attorney. I negotiated a structured settlement – he thought he was getting a bargain, but in the end the stock he had to fork over was worth a lot more a few years later.”
For the love of Pete, her hippie Mom was a financial genius. “You bought all this so that you could make shampoo and farm organic?”
“So that I could create the life I wanted for myself. I’m surrounded by people and things that I love, and I’m happy. Family looks different depending on your point of view. We’re a little family here. And of course, there’s always a place for you should you ever want it. But I always had a feeling you would create your own reality.”
“I did. I created a reality which works as long as I’m in control.”
“I see. If you control it, then you don’t have to be afraid. So you’re brave when you’re in control of your risks.”
Or maybe when she’d fooled herself into having control. “I didn’t want to fall in love. Especially not with a jock.”
“But you did. And living your life in fear is not a good place to be. Love is a better place to begin.”
“But what if I don’t want the things he wants? Why can’t we just stay as we are? Everything was so good.”
“Because
we don’t get to stay still, Brooke. That’s not how it works. You don’t want to grow cobwebs, do you? But if you’re not ready to get married, why don’t you just tell him how you feel? I’m sure he’ll understand. If you love him, you need to tell him.”
Sure. Why hadn’t she thought of that? Telling him how she felt would definitely buy her some more time. And honestly, he already knew so it wouldn’t come as a big surprise. But at least he’d know that she wanted to love him. She wanted to stop holding it inside where it would slowly chisel away at her soul.
Who knew Mom could be so wise?
Billy would be back later today, and she had to see him. Had to tell him she had crazy love for him. A jock. Apparently God had a sense of humor after all.
So she loved a jock that had made millions playing ball. That same possibly over privileged athlete was the kindest person she’d ever known. He gave back to the community, and loved his family. He tried to keep his giving secret, but she’d happened to see some of the cancelled checks. And even though it meant being away from family at Christmas, he and Pop were visiting the children’s cancer ward in LA.
But tonight, he’d be home.
Brooke showered, and later took her time applying her make-up so she could look her utmost best when she told Billy how much she loved him.
“I love you,” she said to the mirror as she flicked on some mascara. “I love you, Billy. I love you, you idiot. I love you, dummy.”
Neither sounded right. She couldn’t make it light hearted just because that would make it easier. No, she had to get this right. Perfect.
She turned in the mirror. “Here’s the thing. I think I love you.”
Wow, no. Think sounded less than committed. I’m sure I love you. No. Sounded like a valley girl. Was there time to rent a romantic comedy and see how to do it right? The grand gesture – that’s what she needed.
A big, humongous grand gesture. Except that was usually done by the man. Not that she wasn’t ready to throw away conventions, but she didn’t want to buy the ring for crying out loud. No, and anyway they weren’t getting married. They were just going to take it a step at a time. She’d tell the big guy she loved him, and ask whether he would mind slowing things down a tad. Remind him they already had an upcoming wedding in June.
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