“W-what? I don’t think so.”
“Scared?”
“You don’t scare me.” She folded her arms across her chest and pushed out her boobs so he could get a good long look at what he was never going to have again.
“You sound pretty sure of yourself. With that kind of confidence, I don’t know what you’re so afraid of.”
“Nothing.” Except for maybe the determined look shining in Riley’s eyes, similar to the first night they’d met. He’d come after her then, too.
Riley stepped close enough to tip her chin up. “There is one thing. You’re afraid you still have feelings for me.”
“I hate you. That’s what I feel.”
His finger skimmed the length of her arm and he squeezed her hand. “You don’t hate anyone.”
“Except for you.” She pulled her hand out of his and took a step back.
“Why did you kiss me then?”
“You kissed me first.”
“And I told you why. I wanted to. Why did you kiss me?” He stepped uncomfortably close again.
The couch was right behind her and she was running out of room. “Same reason, I guess.”
He was staring at her lips and while she tried hard not to even notice that he had a mouth, a shiver of recognition ran down her spine.
Riley reached out to tuck a few hairs behind her ear. “We had something special.”
“Maybe. Past tense,” she said, and became fixated on his eyes.
They had softened the way they always had for her. She’d seen Riley stare down men. Drunk men in a bar getting a little mouthy and a lot gropey. Nikki. He’d had the same hard gaze in his eyes when he’d first met her friend long ago. He had a hard look in his eyes when he wanted it there. Flinty. Dark. Brooding. But his eyes were always tender and liquid when they looked at her. They’d always made her feel adored. Safe.
“No doubt about it.” He didn’t kiss her, but simply traced her lips softly. “We’re not done.”
She watched him walk out her front door, leaving the papers on the counter. They were back with her, like a boomerang.
She ran to follow him out the door. “Riley?”
He turned back to face her. “Yeah.”
“The kiss wasn’t unmemorable.”
He nodded and walked back to his house.
Later that night, Sophia curled up in bed with Hershee at her feet, keeping them warm. It shouldn’t be this hard. She was supposed to hand over the papers and he was supposed to sign them and give them back to her. He wasn’t supposed to care. She’d moved on. Sort of. He’d moved on. The lack of communication or caring over the years spoke louder than anything he said now. He couldn’t show up and expect her to forgive him, let him back in, forgive and forget. Start over like she was still twenty-one years old and a bride for the first time with stupid and silly dreams and faith in all of humanity.
He’d called her out on being afraid that she still had feelings for him, and she hated that he’d been right. She didn’t want to still love him when there were so many reasons not to. He was still a man who couldn’t resist choosing a dangerous profession. Sure, he was chief of a small town but he still rode patrol and knowing him the way she did, she realized he’d never shy away from a conflict. Perfect for law enforcement, and a terrible husband for her. She needed someone like a postal worker or an engineer. A teacher. Someone safe. Definitely not Riley Jacobs.
It shouldn’t be hard for her to fall in love again once she found the right man. She had a thirsty and willing heart. But Riley being back felt a little like seeing the ghost of the boy she had loved more than she needed to breathe. Bringing back all those memories wasn’t fair. He had an unfair advantage over anyone else. There were memories, some too precious to let go. Sure, she’d loved him once with her whole heart but it didn’t mean she had to love him again.
It didn’t mean she had to step back into that unsafe and risky place where she’d almost lost herself.
10
It had been a beautiful autumn day in September when Riley left for Iraq, the leaves turning red, gold and orange, bright colors she’d never seen on trees back home in California. It also turned out to be nothing at all like the movies or television shows she’d watched. All those sad buses lined up to take the men away, the women, men and children waving goodbye and holding U.S. flags. Sophia didn’t do any of that, mainly because Riley decided she wouldn’t.
“We’ll say goodbye here at home.”
“Why?”
“It’s better this way, baby. Trust me.”
She hated the idea. “What’s wrong? Are you afraid you’ll cry in front of all your Marine buddies and then they’ll see you’re just a big ole softie?”
“Yes. That’s it exactly.” He grinned.
Sophia clung to him all night long, trying to memorize every inch of him. She attached herself to his back, studying every freckle and scar. Counting them. The next morning came far too quickly. Zero dark thirty, Riley called it. It wasn’t hard to wake up when she’d never fallen asleep. She’d fixed him coffee and eggs, then tried to pull him back to bed to make love one more time.
“I’ll be late,” Riley said, and went to take his shower.
Nothing like a dedicated man. She should have been proud, except in that moment she recognized he was already distancing himself. At the door, she kissed him goodbye a hundred times and, her heart dying a little bit, she watched him walk down their street towards the bus until she couldn’t see him any longer. Then she’d stepped out the front door so she could continue to watch him walk away. Like he sensed her, Riley stopped and turned. Smiled. A few more feet and she couldn’t see him anymore because he’d turned on to another street.
Back inside her little house where she felt safe for the moment, Sophia slid to the ground. Hot tears slipped down her cheeks and she seemed to be shaking. She already missed the big lug.
No less than five minutes later she got a text from Riley: Chin up. I love you.
Come back to me was Sophia’s only reply.
Then she’d lifted herself up off the floor, dried her tears and gone to clean up the kitchen. Nothing like keeping busy. She could do this. If Riley could go to war, she could stay home and tough it out alone. And she wasn’t really alone. Living on base, she had support everywhere. Many of the wives went home during deployments, but even though Daddy-o insisted a plane ticket would be waiting for her the moment she asked for it, Sophia didn’t go home. Family was only a Skype call away anyway. She couldn’t very well make this house a home for her and Riley if they both spent most of their time away. And then there were the divorce statistics. The cheating. Wives who went back home were more likely to cheat, she’d been told. Sophia knew that wouldn’t be her in a million years but she didn’t want to take any chances. The eighty percent rate of divorce for young enlisted men scared her a little bit, even if she realized that wouldn’t be her and Riley. Never.
Sophia kicked looking for a job into high gear. It wasn’t easy as her only work experience had been out-of-state in her father’s restaurant and Genevieve’s bakery, and her only references family members. But finally Billy Jack cut her a break and hired her at a local diner, Fork It. Part-time only, but it was something to keep her busy and her mind off Riley.
Their relationship now consisted of emails and the occasional Facetime but even that was difficult as there was little privacy. She got by on his emails, which rarely discussed where he was and never what he was doing. To make matters worse, occasionally there would be two week stretches in which he couldn’t access email. She didn’t think about what he’d be doing during those times, and relief flooded her when she received the first email from him after one of those trips. Sophia updated him on her job, the progress she’d made on decorating their house, and the friends she’d made.
Actually only one real friend her age, but she was so great she counted twice. Ironic that Sophia had met Nikki working together at the diner because she was also the wife of an
enlisted man. Her husband was an Army guy but rather than stay on his base in Atlanta she’d come back home to Jacksonville and rented a studio apartment not far from her parents. She and Nikki were so much alike, everyone at the diner immediately nicknamed them ‘the twins.’ Both were Italian American with long dark hair and eyes. Both from a three-girl family in which they were the youngest. The same age with birthdays within a month of each other. Both married young within weeks of meeting their man.
Love at first sight, Nikki claimed. “Girl, I swore up and down I’d never marry a soldier. Grand-daddy was Navy, Daddy was too, and my brother is a Navy Seal. God help me, I married a pussy Army boy. But I love him to pieces.”
And David really was a great guy. Sophia met him when he was on a short leave and came to the diner to pick Nikki up. Not surprisingly, Nikki guarded their time together and arranged her shifts so that she’d be home every minute of David’s leave. Once David too was deployed, Sophia and Nikki spent even more time together, getting their hair and nails done down at Tips Salon, shopping, and even once driving to a Luke Bryan concert in Nashville. They both had a sunny and positive outlook on their men being overseas that most people didn’t quite understand.
“I’m praying for you,” Mrs. March, an elderly woman and one of Sophia’s best customers, would say every time she saw her. “And your darlin’ husband.”
Behind Mrs. March, Nikki would roll her eyes. “Her man doesn’t need prayer, Mrs. March. He’s a Marine.”
“I’m praying for your man, too.” Mrs. March said to Nikki.
“Oh, thank you! He needs all the help he can get.” Nikki smiled and wiped down a table.
Sophia didn’t quite understand Nikki’s jokes about the service branches and their pecking order. The worst of them in her mind was the Air Force (which she called the chair force.) Still, apparently David wasn’t high enough on the pecking order either. She didn’t care as she said he worked hard to make up for it in the bedroom, where he was a real ‘wild man.’
They were different in that respect as Sophia was a romantic through and through. Her sex life wasn’t open for discussion the way Nikki’s seemed to be. While David was home she’d come in to work and wonder out loud how she could still be walking, as David had really ‘worn her out’ that morning. But once he too had been deployed, the conversations shifted to shower heads and the pulse dial and water logged skin from too much time spent in the water.
That’s how Sophia learned about the shower pulse dial, sad to say. Better than nothing.
Three months passed and Sophia got word that Riley was headed back for leave and would arrive before Christmas. He’d sent her an email that he’d be headed home on Tuesday and she could pick him up at the bus, and then surprised her by showing up on their doorstep a day early. Smiling, dressed in his cammies, he somehow appeared thinner. She didn’t manage to get a word out but tackled him instead. He took her against the wall, then once on the floor before finally making it to the bedroom.
Dear God in heaven, he was back. He’d come back to her like he’d said he would, like she’d known he always would. Separations were tough but reunions made up for them. Sophia and Riley didn’t really leave the bedroom for a couple of days. She got Nikki to happily cover her shift (don’t come back until you can barely walk, she’d said) and spent every moment with Riley. It was during this time that he’d accidentally knocked down the plastic shower paned door with a little too much enthusiasm. She wound up on the bathroom floor, face down on top of the broken shower panel door and pretty much the happiest she’d ever been in her life.
“Look what you made me do, baby.” He hauled her up over his shoulder and carried her to the bedroom where he threw her on the bed.
Two days later, Sophia went back to work reluctantly on Christmas Eve. Riley’s leave was only two weeks long and he’d been fortunate to get time off at all during the holidays.
Fork It was decorated for the season with tinsel and flashing red and green lights hanging in the windows. A Charlie Brown tree Sophia had personally decorated with cheap ornaments from the dollar store sat in a corner. Every customer who came in had a cheerful smile and a ‘Merry Christmas’ shout-out.
One of her customers had dressed her baby in a reindeer onesie.
“She’s so cute!” Sophia said and asked her customer if she could hold the baby after she washed her hands.
Sophia got to hold and fuss over the baby, getting a big tip from her customer. “Merry Christmas!”
“Wow, nice tip,” Nikki said. “Maybe I should pretend to like babies, too.”
“Who’s pretending?”
Nikki winced. “Really? But they’re so sticky. And loud.”
“Don’t you and David want children?”
“I guess.” Nikki shrugged.
“I’m working on Riley. He’s not ready yet, but soon.”
Nikki didn’t seem to be much into the season other than all the presents she was expecting from her parents. Sophia had received plenty of calls and text messages and early presents for her and Riley that she’d placed under their tree at home. Her father wasn’t happy that he wouldn’t be seeing them at Christmas time, and Sophia had done plenty of Skype calls to make it up to him.
“Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? I hate for you to be alone.” Sophia asked Nikki as they closed up.
Sophia had borrowed a table from Mrs. Kirk next door so she and Riley could have a nice Christmas Eve dinner, their first as a married couple. Her heart went out to Nikki who would have to spend it without David, even if she had family nearby.
“Are you sure? Don’t you want to be alone with him?”
“I will be, after you leave. I think I can share him for a couple of hours.”
“Choose your words carefully. I’m a horny woman. Remember?” Nikki laughed. “Sure, I’ll be over. What can I bring?”
“How about the wine?”
“Wine? I don’t know jack shit about wine. I’ll bring y’all some beer.”
“All right, that’s fine.” Probably wouldn’t go as well with her Pasta Carbonara, but no big deal.
Sophia planned to get busy cooking as soon as she got home, but Riley tackled her when she walked in the door and kept her busy for an hour. She jumped out of bed and showered, threw on some clothes and started a pan of boiling water for the pasta.
“She’ll be here any minute.”
“She’ll understand,” Riley said, slipping his arms around her waist.
“More than you know.”
Nikki arrived right on time, naturally. “Hey, y’all! Brought you some beer.”
Sophia introduced her to Riley, who had showered and wore his cargo pants and a thin and worn Marines t-shirt.
“I’m running a little bit late,” Sophia apologized.
“Of course you are.” Nikki grinned at Riley.
He thanked her for the beer and took it into the kitchen.
An uncomfortable silence followed. Sometimes Riley wasn’t great with new people. His nature was to be initially suspicious of everyone, she’d learned, probably due to his choice of profession. He tended to get quiet and introspective at the most inopportune times. Sophia tried to make up for the quiet by talking too much, as usual.
“David is in the Army. Remember? I told you that, Riley.”
“Yeah,” Riley said.
“Yep, that’s my David. A pussy Army boy. But what can I say? I just love the big dolt.”
Riley quirked an eyebrow but didn’t say a word.
“She’s kidding!” Riley probably didn’t get Nikki’s strange humor. Sophia didn’t either sometimes.
“Sure I am,” Nikki said.
Sophia couldn’t believe how incredibly nervous she was to have a guest in her house. But she’d never entertained as part of a married couple. “I need to finish up dinner. Riley? Why don’t you take Nikki in the garage and show her your Harley?” She knew how proud he was of that bike. Maybe he’d say more than two words to Nikki.
“A Harley? Wow. I love motorcycles,” Nikki said.
“So do I!” Yet another thing she and Nikki had in common. They seemed to find a new thing every day.
While Riley and Nikki were in the garage, Sophia finished up dinner. Her favorite dish and she already knew Riley liked it. Both he and Nikki would lick their plates clean when she was done with this meal. She added garlic, pancetta and white wine. A few red pepper flakes. Separated her egg and stirred the yolk with water to temper. The pasta she’d set to boiling earlier was ready so she drained it and threw it in the sauce. Added the egg mixture and big handfuls of parmesan cheese. It was Mama’s favorite recipe, and now Sophia’s. She would share it with her husband and new best friend. Tonight she could pretend she was home and back at the restaurant for a little while, enjoying good company and good food. Food was love and tonight they’d both understand how much they each meant to her.
Sophia opened the door to the garage. “Dinner is served!”
Nikki stood near Riley, who looked mighty pissed. Hopefully she hadn’t made another disparaging comment about her Army husband, because Riley hadn’t seemed to find it funny. Before she could ask what was wrong, Riley closed the distance between them and pulled Sophia into his arms. He kissed her long and hard right there in front of Nikki, putting his hands on Sophia’s ass and squeezing.
“Baby,” Sophia said shyly when he broke the kiss. “We have company.”
“I don’t care,” he growled.
Sophia took a look at Nikki, who had the slightest little smirk on her face, a look Sophia had never seen before. She was uncomfortable as they all made their way into the kitchen. It took roughly a year for dinner to be over, and the entire time Riley wouldn’t stop kissing Sophia and squeezing her ass every chance he had. Which, to be honest, was not the norm for him in public.
Finally, Nikki made her excuses, skipping dessert because she had to get up early to meet her family. “Merry Christmas and thanks for everything.”
“I’m sorry,” Sophia whispered at the door. “He’s not usually like this.”
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