by Keya Jay
Chapter twenty: Ryder Ferris
Ryder’s hands tightened around the steering wheel as he sped down the road toward Banquet St. He didn’t hesitate and sit in the confines of the car like he normally did. He couldn’t take that risk; not with Robert in town. Ryder didn’t want him anywhere near his mother, and he wanted him to know nothing of her location she was safer that way—they all were.
“Loretta buzz me in,” Ryder instructed as he stopped at the gated area.
The gates opened slowly a little too slowly and it took every ounce of patience Ryder still owned—which is little to none at this point in time—to not ram right through the gates and open them forcefully.
“She’s woke Ryder,” Loretta warned.
Ryder stopped at the door of his mother’s room and looked over his shoulder at Loretta who seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. “
You came here for a reason child; you look like you’re on a mission, don’t throw all of that away because you’re afraid to see her,” she forewarned. Besides Ryder’s little Bēlua, Loretta was the only woman he let get away with talking to him the way she does.
Ryder nodded his head slightly knowing she was painfully right and continued the four steps that stood between him and his mother’s door.
Ryder wanted to knock but he couldn’t, he didn’t want permission to see what he knew he was about to. No one should have to ask to see that kind of punishment.
Ryder slowly cracked the door and the heavenly sent of a mixture of Lilac which belonged to his mother and Cinnamon and apple’s which came from the Febreze® bottle on her nightstand filled the room.
Ryder slipped through the little crack he had created in the door and closed the door behind himself. The moment the door closed he wanted to open it back up—wide; the thought of being alone with her scared him more than the claustrophobic-ness of the small room.
“Robby?” his mother croaked. Ryder wanted to correct her and tell her not to call him that but he knew she’d just tell him what she always does.
“You’re being ridiculous, just because you have the same nickname as that man doesn’t mean you’ll become him. You’re your own man Robby.”
Little does she know I’m already fast becoming him.
Ryder didn’t answer her nor did he even look her in the face as he walked slowly toward the chair that sat next to her bed.
“Loretta tells me you came by once before,” she said leaving a lot unsaid.
Ryder knew what she was thinking how come I didn’t wake her or wait for her to wake? Ryder couldn’t and he knew she wouldn’t understand. If it wasn’t so important he wouldn’t be here now.
“How are you feeling?” he forced himself to ask bracing himself for the truth he knew she’d give me.
She huffed before turning slightly away from him.
“Why are you here?” she asked shocking him into looking at her.
Ryder so wished he hadn’t though. She looked so fragile and broken lying in that bed.
“Robby why are you here?” she asked again as he continued to stare at her. Ryder was shocked silent but what she said next shocked some sense into me.
“Loretta can you escort Robby out for me please?”
Ryder could see the tears shining in her eyes as she said it and it broke him to pieces but he refused his own to fall.
“You don’t owe me anything you don’t have to visit me I’m not forcing you nor am I asking you. I know this is hard for you so just go,” she said as she tried to turn her back on him but the pain it caused made a silent breath of air escape her mouth as she lay there shocked waiting for the pain to subside.
What kind of son can just sit here and watch his mother in pain like this? What kind of son was he to not realize how much she needed him…how much he needed her?
You can’t get too close you’ll just lose her and end up hurting all over again, he reminded himself.
“I want so much for you to be happy, for this to have never happened to you,” Ryder said to her.
“Life happens Robby and eventually we’ll lose it, that’s just the way it goes.”
It hurt to hear her talk like that. “I came here for a reason,” he said as it donned on him that Loretta wasn’t coming to escort him out.
“Roberts back in town—”
“I know,” she said cutting him off.
“You know?” he almost jumped out of his chair by the strong beat of his heart her words had caused. Panic had stricken him bare to the bone.
“What the hell do you mean you know?”
“Robby,” she reprimanded.
Ryder sat back down in his chair and willed his heart to stop the stupid erratic beat it had going on.
“He called me…twice. I made the mistake of picking up the first time but I didn’t the second,” she said seeming so vulnerable as she lay against her white in-need-of-changing sheets.
Ryder knew how much Robert meant to her so he couldn’t fault her for answering but his heart swelled with pride at the thought of her ignoring the second call. Ryder truthfully didn’t think she had it in her.
“Now you should get out of here I’m fine,” she said as she slightly turned away from him. That’s the third time she did that. Ryder got the feeling that her ignoring Roberts calls was more because she was upset with him and the way she’s treating Ryder…it just made him bubble up inside. She’s treating him like she’s treating her douche of a husband; she thinks they failed her—but Ryder’s nothing like him!
“Fine I’ll let you rest,” he said as he got to his feet.
“But first I want to make sure you do it comfortably.”
Ryder walked over toward where his mother lay against her bed immobile with the start of shock taking over her features as Ryder knelt down and picked her up and cradled her in his arms. He walked over toward the wheel chair that sat near the window trying to get himself to not think about how strangely light she felt in his arms; too light for a 40 year old woman.
Ryder sat his mother down carefully and turned back toward the bed. He then stripped off her bedding and walked out of the room to discard of them in the laundry room.
“Oh let me take those, I was going to do it in the morning you know,” Loretta said as she took the soiled bedding from his arms.
“Yea well I saw them and thought that—”
“No need to explain. Thank you,” she said as she turned to leave and deal with the comforters. Her thanks seemed as though it held double meaning, Ryder thought as he returned to his mother’s room.
Ryder watched his mother as she sagged against the wheel chair and looked out of the window at the bleak and barren gray-ish sky. Gray-ish Sky? Just the thought of it made him think of Skylar and her murky gray eyes.
Ryder hadn’t realized that his mother had turned around and was staring at him until she spoke.
“What’s there to smile about?” she asked lightly as a smile lingered on her face as well. It’s always been like that with them; she smiled, he smiled, he smiled, she smiled; he just wished it wasn’t the same for all of the other emotions as well.
“Nothing,” Ryder said as he turned toward the closet in the hall way where they kept extra pillows and bedding.
“That smile wasn’t nothing,” she said as he returned. “Especially since you do less of it nowadays,” she added.
Ryder wanted to look at her as he fixed her bed but he refused he knew she’d just see right through him.
“It was nothing I…was just…thinking of something,” he said as he grabbed the pillows from where he sat them in the chair and piled them on top of the bed.
“Not so many,” she said referring to the pillows.
“You were thinking of what?” she asked obviously not wanting to let it go.
“It was nothing mom,” he repeated as he turned toward her and lifted her from the wheel chair and back onto the bed.
“You know I know when you’re lying to me,” she p
ointed out as he tucked her into bed.
“Not so tight,” she protested. “I do want to be able to move just a little,” she said as she wiggled weakly.
“So I’ll ask only one more time: who made my boy smile like that?”
“Who?” Ryder said as he sat back down in the visitor’s chair.
“Yes who?” she said. “I may be weak but I’m not old and I know what those kinds of smiles mean so who is she?” she asked as a smile crept on to her face a complete and utter contrast to the firmness of her voice.
“She’s nobody mom,” he said having this sudden strong urge to roll his eyes and push her playfully.
Ryder missed how they used to be before she got so sick, or at least before her sickness was so noticeable.
“I want my boy to be happy if anyone deserves it it’s you,” she said austerely.
Ryder wanted to poke fun at her reasoning but he hated the fact that he caused that beautiful smile that seemed to bring her dead and ashen face alive, to disappear.
“She’s a friend mom,” he said vaguely giving in.
“Does this friend have a name? It’s not Sidney is it?” she asked as her brows furrowed.
“No it’s not Sidney,” he said shaking his head slightly.
The last time Sidney had ever seen his mother was before her father had died and she had never seen his mother so sick before; not like this and he didn’t want anyone to.
“So what’s her name?” his mother pressed.
“Her name is...Skylar,” he answered with clear reluctance.
Ryder’s mother’s face immediately softened.
“Her name is beautiful, your grandmother thought about calling my younger sister the same thing,” she said as happy tears shone in her eyes. Ryder had to look away because he hated to see his reflection in them he didn’t deserve to be a part of the smile that bloomed on her face and the tears that seemed to radiate and bring her pale blue eyes alive.
“I want to meet her,” she whispered.
The word No danced on his tongue and he immediately swallowed the words as he watched the tears she didn’t bother to hold back take a joy ride down her pale face.
“Mom you’re not—”
“I want to see her,” she demanded more forcefully. “Please,” she added once she saw the defiance in his eyes.
At this moment his mother no longer looked so sickly just sad and Ryder wanted to beat himself up for making her look that way.
“I’ll ask her,” he whispered as he gave in.
“I’ll be waiting for your answer,” she said assuming that he’d be back and that’s when it hit him—he couldn’t stay away even if he tried.
“Get some sleep,” Ryder said as he got to his feet.
Ryder held his breath against the rancid smell of her and kissed the top of her head before moving toward the door.
“Thank you for coming Robby it meant the word to me and I can’t wait to see the woman who caused that smile I haven’t seen for years,” she said as her face seemed to disappear behind the river of tears that seemed to take over her face. Ryder’s heart broke for her, he wanted to avoid this, he didn’t want to get this close just so that she can be ripped away from him.
I must not have suffered enough, he thought as he closed her door slowly.
When Ryder turned he almost smacked right into Loretta but she stabilized him with her shacking hands.
Ryder looked down at Loretta’s face and into her glimmering eyes they were too streaming with tears, he could see every emotion that played across her face they were all open and there for the viewing.
Not you too, he thought.
Loretta lifted her shacking fingers to his check and swiped at the wetness there. Ryder looked down at the tear she held on her finger that he hadn’t known he had even cried. Though it was just one tear it was something he hasn’t done sense he was 10.
I have to get out of here, he thought as he removed Loretta lightly but very forcefully away from his path and headed straight for the door.
This woman is going to royally destroy me, he thought as he pulled out of the gated area and back onto the road. Ryder knew exactly where he was going before he even got there.