Chapter 8
When john first got to New York he began attending regular meetings because he was actually more comfortable there than the gay meetings. Coming out was a difficult step by step process for John. His relationship with Gina was a set back for his confidence as a gay man. For a while he decided to put his love life on the back burner and concentrate on his work and his AA Program. Although he was out to his family and close friends his sexuality continued to be a guarded subject. But a gay man can’t live in New York for very long before realizing the gay community was everywhere and eventually he began attending gay meetings and soon had many friends that were veteran New Yorkers. They introduced him to the theaters on Broadway, museums and Fifth Avenue. They went to the clubs together as little gangs of sober soldiers.
And yet, it was alarming to John how many of these friends drifting in and out of the program. Seemed someone was always disappearing and rumored to have relapsed usually to show up a few weeks or months later telling terrible stories.
John would retreat to the meetings in which he knew there was long term sobriety and recovery. The old timers at those meetings reminded him of the meetings he’d attended back in Georgia. It would be this compartmentalizing of his life that would be his undoing. Sometimes he was with non-drinkers and sometimewith those who drank. It seemed he had his straight friends and then other times his gay friends. Sometimes he was comfortable being gay and sometimes he wasn’t. On some days, it felt like being gay was a war, some battles he’d win and then depending on the situation or circumstances some battles he found himself surrendering.
Through a friend he met a guy named Enrique and they were sleeping together. It seemed as if they might someday be a couple.
Enrique was sober, slick and cool. He was classically Hispanic and could charm the socks right off practically anyone. He certainly did John’s. He was pure New York and John fell for him like a ton of bricks.
Enrique and John explored Greenwich Village together, taking in the sights and sounds of the best New York had to offer. Enrique taught John how to get around, showed him where to shop, and basically taught John how to be a New Yorker rather than a tourist.
In the beginning Enrique dazzled John but as the months went on a new Enrique began to appear. Seemed he wasn’t the confident gay man that he had presented himself to be. He shared with John his occasional desire for women. Eventually, there began periods of time when Enrique would vanish. When John asked him where he had been Enrique would respond with anger, accusing John of being paranoid and jealous. John feared he was losing his soul mate. Eventually Enrique began showing up at John’s apartment smelling of liquor. They had deep conversations about how important sobriety was for them and yet Enrique was one of those unfortunate ones that just couldn’t grasp the concept of sobriety. He made promises with the intent of keeping them but when someone pushed a drink his way he just couldn’t say no.
John felt as if he loved Enrique and found himself trying to shield him from the temptations. He had given everything within himself for this relationship to work and couldn’t bear the thought of losing Enrique. His entire life he had dreamed of a relationship like this one and feeling it crumble away was more than he could face. He would do anything to make this partnership work.
At first Enrique stayed sober a few weeks at a time which gave John a great deal of hope. John had known deep down that being with a practicing alcoholic was very dangerous for him. His people at the meetings had warned him of such things and he knew they were right. Occasionally John had suggested they go to a counselor but Enrique wouldn’t have it. His Hispanic pride was greater than his desire for John or sobriety. It was beginning to become apparent to John that Enrique was just one broken promise after another.
John eased his mind with his work and distracted himself by going back to school for his masters in social work. He’d enrolled at the University of New York’s Masters Program and was thankful for the diversion from his home life. Incredibly, the more John tried to better himself the more Enrique seemed to descend into his troubles.
John thought of Ray and how he had self destructed and watching Enrique doing the same thing was sad and painful. So much potential going to waste and yet John knew that almost everyone has potential but some just never seem to achieve it.
By the time John received his Master’s degree his love life was an eerie resemblance to his childhood. He was living with a man who punished him with silence and whenever he tried to communicate his concerns or feelings Enrique would criticize him for being too emotional. Eventually they hardly communicated at all.
Enrique had promised John dinner as a graduation present. He had made reservations at an upscale restaurant on 42nd street in Chelsea. Enrique had been sober a few weeks and they had been getting along fairly well lately. John wanted it to be like this all the time.
When the waiter came to their table he arrived with a bottle of complimentary wine from the manager of the restaurant. Ironically, John and the manager had just graduated in the same class.
The two men sat looking at the bottle of wine and the two glasses and then looked at each other. Neither said a word as Enrique poured some wine into the two glasses and held up his glass and eloquently as always proposed a toast to John’s graduating from grad school.
John didn’t want to argue anymore, the night had been going so well and besides he had just graduated from grad school maybe one drink wouldn’t hurt. Just like that he relapsed.
Within a few days John and Enrique were drinking every night and for a while things seemed to be going okay although John greatly missed some of his friends from the program. He and Enrique were getting along better than they had since they had first met. But as the weeks went by the romantic evenings of wine and roses turned into broken glass, cursing and slammed doors. With an enraged drunken Enrique threatening him John had no choice but to call the police and watch with deep sorrow as they hauled him off to jail. John would never forget the look Enrique gave him as the police lead him away. A couple of days later Enrique collected all his things and disappeared for the last time.
It was a terribly sad time for John and even though he tried desperately to control his drinking, within a very short period of time he was drinking more than he ever had. And then came that night in the club when the gift of desperation turned on a light inside John’s fogged mind.
John estimated it had been around four years since he had last spoken with George, his AA sponsor from Georgia. He felt guilty about calling him only when he was in trouble. John thought about how good it was to hear his voice. George sensed something was wrong but decided to let his old friend broach the subject.
After they spoke for a while, George suggested he get out of New York for a while and come down to Athens for a visit. John knew this was a good idea.
So he had relapsed. George reminded him this wasn’t the end of the world, it was just something that had happened and they would get things straightened out again. John tried to appreciate George’s positive attitude but at this point was finding it hard to be positive about anything. He was mystified how this had happened. Once he was so strong in the program of AA and now he was one of their failures.
He made the arrangements at work to take a couple of weeks off and caught a plane for Atlanta.
George met him at the airport, and the two men embraced and at once it felt just like the good ole days. They caught up with each other on the car ride to Athens. It was good to see his mom and dad but it always felt strange being back in the old neighborhood.
John was nervous when he and George went to an AA meeting that night. It was difficult for him to sit among the old crowd and talk about how he had gone off to New York and relapsed. He felt as if he had let them down, betrayed them. There were some who had warned him of the temptations before he left for the big city but he reassured them he had it all under control. Others in the meeting shared of their relapses, how they had tried for years to get sob
er, had spent thousands of dollars, been in countless treatment centers and then one day for some unknown reason, got it. They spoke of the families, businesses, careers, and homes they had lost and would have to lose before being blessed with the gift of sobriety.
John felt especially embarrassed due to the fact that he himself was an alcohol counselor and yet couldn’t seem to counsel himself. The group reminded him of the doctors, lawyers, psychiatrist, engineers, and accountants in the rooms of AA along with the butchers, plumbers and mechanics. Not one person judged him; in fact they rallied around him, giving him nothing but love and support. The New Yorker was reminded that love and tolerance was their code in the AA program and he realized yet one more time there was no cure for this thing.
George and John had dinner before the meetings and coffee afterwards, sometimes they sat in silence enjoying each other’s company and sometimes they would work on the twelve steps of the program.
John caught the red eye back to New York. When the lights of the city came into view he had mixed feelings. He felt relief to be back in the Big Apple but was already missing George and the comfort and safety of a simpler life In Georgia. He took a cab from JFK to his apartment in Brooklyn and called his old friend back in Georgia just to talk. He went to work the next day and hit an AA meeting that night. Over the course of the next couple of weeks John came to realize he could never become too busy to work his program of recovery. John came to a deep understanding that the only way he could live peaceably in this world was with the help of his friends in AA. He knew at an even greater depth that he could never try to live as other people do and could now appreciate what he thought was failure was now a grand exercise of humility and an opportunity for further growth and self discovery.
And John knew he would have to explore his thoughts up to the moment he had drunk that glass of wine with Enrique. Why was it Enrique seemed to be hell bent on his own destruction? Why was It Ray had drank himself to death? And why had he himself flirted with the same fate as these two men.
The answers came as the layers peel off an onion, slowly piece by piece. It is always some form of fear that brings about one’s destruction. Whether it’s a fear you’re never going to be good enough or someone’s going to abandon you or not like you anymore if they knew the truth about you. Its always fear that keeps people in rotten relationships and allow someone else to steal their soul rather than be alone. It’s always fear that keeps people isolated; from letting anyone break through their armor, because it’s too much of a risk. John explored the idea that furthering his education made Enrique feel less than and punish him with the only weapon he had, silence. For many being gay is a source of a never ending fear that if not attended to can and does lead to stories like Ray and Enrique’s.
John was part way out of the closet but not completely. He realized if he was ever going to have any serenity he would have to let his internalized homophobic monster go. He’d have to kiss that monster on the nose and let him go but this time forever. It would not be easy and it would take fortitude but he was determined to try to not keep going around and around the same old mountain.
A few months after John had returned to New York he and a friend, Tom was sitting in a coffee café. Tom thought John had lost his mind when he told him of his latest idea. Tom told him leaving New York was a crazy idea.
“This is your home, you belong here,” Tom said, but the more John thought about it the more he liked the idea.
John studied a map of the United States; he had lived in the Deep South and the northeast so he decided it would have to be west, but still he had no ideas. He gathered information about various places, checking their economies, cost of living and amenities and still couldn’t make a decision. Finally, one day he and Tom tacked a map to a wall in his kitchen.
Tom asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
And so, a dart would decide his fate. The dart flew through the air and hit the map, Tom laughed and said, “Oh my God,” at the same time.
There was a mysterious force compelling the New Yorker to go through with this. He had had a lot of fun in the City but there were painful memories as well. He sought out advice from trusted confidants and was sure this wasn’t a geographical cure. He had to be sure he wasn’t running away.
John knew he needed a new environment to calm the inner noise and promote a healing, a healing he felt he couldn’t get while living in New York City. At the end of the day this was just something he felt he had to do. After all, like his friends had told him, he could always come back.
John dialed Enrique’s number and anxiously listened as the phone rang a few times. A woman answered saying, “Hola.” He had heard Enrique had married a woman so he wasn’t surprised. He also knew Enrique was still frequenting the gay bars in Chelsea. He asked to speak with Enrique and after being quizzed about who he was she handed over the phone. Their conversation was business like as John explained that he was leaving New York and wanted to say good bye. John was surprised when Enrique suggested they get together before he left.
They met in a diner and embraced as if they were still together. Old emotions floated up as they took a booth by one of the big windows overlooking the street. John began by saying, “Congratulations on your wedding.” Enrique made a sour face saying, “She’s a good girl.” John pressed his luck and asked, “Do you love her?” Enrique replied, “Hell no,” with a slick smile.
John felt disgust as he looked across the table. There was a time when he had envied his former partner, he had seemed so confident and dashing but now he only seemed pathetic.
This man from a small town in Georgia had known all too well it’s a life a lot of gay men live. A life of lies and deceit rooted in overwhelming fear. John found himself confused and almost ashamed he could have ever fallen for such a man as this. He thought of Enrique’s wife and how she had no idea of the miserable life she will have with this guy.
Silence fell between the two men as they both knew this conversation was over. They parted with a quick handshake.
As John was walking back to his apartment he was trying to look for the lesson that his time with Enrique had provided for him. In his pocket, his fingers found the sobriety coin he always carried. He knew the words of Shakespeare were printed on that coin, to thine own self be true. This was the answer.
Enrique wasn’t a bad person, he had good qualities, but it was fear that made him a fraud and a coward, not the man that he tried to present himself to be. He would ultimately pay a high price for that but by that time he would be only a distant memory for John Lincoln.
The Pride of Howard County Page 9