“Come on,” he said, leading me to the old, rusted pickup truck that sat at the edge of the property.
That old truck hadn’t been driven or even moved in years and had become our spot to look at the stars. Ironically, it had broken down in this very spot after junior prom. Caleb kicked the wheel, and I laughed as the tailgate bounced open, its hinges creaking. An apple rolled, and Caleb reached around me and caught it before it fell to the ground.
“Using those cat-like reflexes again, I see.” I giggled as I hopped onto the bed of the truck. I could see he had set something up from the ground but not all of the little details. Caleb had set up the most beautiful late-night picnic under the stars. A red, white, and blue checkered quilt was spread out across the bottom and throw pillows lined the back. I was sure he’d be getting into trouble for taking those from his mom’s house.
There were two thermoses filled with hot chocolate and a tray of grapes, strawberries, and cheeses. Draped over the side of the truck were two large blankets I knew all too well. Wonderful memories of prom night started to creep back into my mind, but before I could fall too deeply into the past, Caleb appeared beside me, bringing me back to reality.
“Caleb, this is beautiful, but what is all this for?” I asked him, already assuming I knew the answer.
“Let’s just enjoy,” he said and gently pulled me down next to him.
He handed me a mug and opened a thermos. The steam from the hot chocolate floated over to me, and I smiled as he poured. I wanted to remember this scent forever; the hot chocolate, the summer air, Caleb. As I brought the mug to my lips to savor the first sip, thunder boomed and we both jumped. Caleb fell back laughing and his hot chocolate spilled all over the quilt.
“Well, there goes that idea,” he laughed.
“Guess I’ll just have to drink yours then!”
“Caleb! That’s not funny!” I exclaimed, scooting away from him. He was too quick for me and took my mug away, then wrapped his arms around me and kissed me softly on the nose.
“Come on, lie down with me. Let’s check out this sky.”
We laid cuddled up together in the back of the truck for what seemed to be an eternity. It wasn’t until Caleb felt drops on his arm that he looked at me and asked if I was crying. Before he could even get the sentence out of his head, the heavens opened and rain began to pour all over us. We scrambled to get as much of our stuff as we could and ran to the barn, tripping over the hay bales as we finally got inside.
Caleb wiped the rain from my brow and gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind my right ear. I was wearing the small, heart-shaped stud earrings he had given me for graduation. I never took them off. I gently grabbed his hand and brought my gaze to meet his. With tears in my eyes, I swallowed deeply and kissed him. As I broke away from him, I knew his heart was breaking, and there was nothing that could be done to change that.
“Don’t leave, Leah. Stay,” Caleb pleaded. “You can work in your dad’s store and go to the community college. Please. I can’t lose you.” He still had hold of my hands, as if holding onto me in this smelly old horse barn was going to keep me in Grace Valley.
“Caleb, don’t do this. I can’t stay and you know it. This is my dream. I can’t just let it go,” I replied, feeling my heart shatter into a million pieces. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want tonight to end this way.”
“It’s getting late,” was all he could muster. I was afraid his tears were going to spill from his eyes and match the storm outside. “We should probably get home before this gets any worse. Do you want me to give you a ride home? I could borrow Dooley’s car.”
“It’s okay. It’s not that far, but thank you,” I replied, kissing him on the cheek. “I do love you, Caleb.”
Caleb shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, clutching his fists so tightly, I thought they were going to rip right off. He swallowed deeply and I hopped onto my bike and rode away. I turned around when I was almost out of his sight, and I saw him turn around and go back inside the barn. My dad told me months later that after I left, Caleb had sat on a hay bale, head in his hands, and sobbed.
And when Dooley Butler found him there crying, Caleb said the love of his life was gone, and he knew she wasn’t coming back.
8
Present Day
This couldn’t be happening. Only in my world would I break up with my boyfriend, head home for my mother’s funeral, and literally bump into my high school boyfriend. And spill my coffee all over the place. And all over him. Oh my god, could he tell I was freaking out? Play it cool, Leah…
I grabbed a handful of paper napkins from the condiment counter to the left of me and bent down to blot at the coffee dripping down the front of my pants, even though I knew the stains had already begun to set in. Caleb picked up my wallet and the bag I had dropped and handed it over to me. He looked like he was going to throw up. I felt like I was going to throw up, but there was no way I grabbed enough napkins to wipe up both coffee and vomit.
“Leah, oh, wow! Umm, hi. How are… I was so sorry to hear about your mom,” Caleb uttered. He stood there, nervously rubbing his hands together as he kept his eyes pointed down at his brown leather loafers.
Loafers? Wow, who had he become since high school? No more basketball sneakers, I’d guessed. He still looked exactly the same, even down to the ever-so-slight cowlick just above his left ear. Well, minus the loafers.
“Yeah, thanks.” I barely spoke, afraid of what else might come out of my mouth.
It’d been seven years and this was the way we were reconnecting?
“Uh, I should probably get going. My dad is going to be here any minute, and I’d rather not keep him waiting. You know he gets antsy.” I bit my tongue, knowing I shouldn’t have brought up anything that would allow him to think about us in the past. Or present, for that matter.
His face softened and he nodded. I hated how well I could still read him. “See you around, Leah,” he mumbled, and I walked away, my heart in my throat, devastated. The same way I had seven years prior.
I wanted to turn around and look back at him, but I couldn’t. Heartache filled my entire body. How on earth could this still hurt so bad?
I knew my dad wasn’t going to get to the station for at least another ten minutes, but I rushed outside to wait for him anyway. A strong rush of cold air washed over me and I shuddered, tightening my jacket around my neck. I wasn’t sure if it was the snow that started to flurry around me or the fact that I had just seen Caleb that caused the chill to travel up my spine. I really needed to get a grip. It’d been seven years.
I took a seat on one of the benches lined up outside of the station and prepared myself to wait for my dad. The door opened and another gust of wind blew, sending an old newspaper right into my face. Annoyed, I crumbled it up, tossed it in the garbage can, and went back to the bench.
I gasped when I saw Caleb come out of the station. I tried miserably to be inconspicuous while I gawked at him from the bench. He walked with a tall redhead who was wearing the highest stilettos I had ever seen. And I’d lived through seven years of New York Fashion Week. I never understood the point of wearing heels that high when you already almost reached the moon. Sara was a stiletto girl. She once pushed a taxi out of the snow in five-inch heels when it had slid off the road and gotten stuck in a snowbank on New Year’s Eve.
Caleb had his hand placed gently on the small of the woman’s back, leading her toward the parking lot. My heart sank, and I didn’t quite know what to make of my new feelings. After all, I had been in a serious relationship less than twenty-four hours ago.
Just as I started to get into my head a little too much, my dad pulled up in front of the station. I smiled genuinely, grabbed my bags, and walked over to his car. Ever the gentleman, he rushed around to the passenger side to open the door for me. Being home wasn’t just being in the physical place; it was being with the people who loved me most. After everything I did to my mom and the shit I put them through, my dad was
still confidently in my corner, always lifting me up. I felt a sense of belonging when I was with him even though this wasn’t really my home anymore.
“Oh, Dad,” I said and hugged him deeply.
“I missed you, kiddo,” he said, squeezing back. “Let’s get you back to the house and all warmed up. We’re supposed to get quite a bit of snow tonight, and I’ve got a pot of beef stew on the stove for you.”
“That sounds wonderful, Dad. Thank you,” I said as I got into the car.
I buckled my seatbelt and noticed my dad had a wedding picture of him and my mom tucked into the driver side visor. I smiled, happy that he still kept it there after all these years. It brought me so much comfort knowing that men like him still existed. Chivalry was important to my dad and it was something that he had always tried to instill in me when choosing a partner in life. He was beautifully devoted to my mother and he made sure to show her and the world that every single day.
We rode the next twelve minutes to the house in silence, and it was the most peaceful I had felt in ages. It amazed me how being back home with my father could make me feel like myself again. I mean, I felt like myself around Sara, but it was a different version. The calmness that my father exuded was not a trait I had gained. I had a fire in my soul just like my mother. I never appreciated it growing up, but as I got older, I learned just how valuable it was.
The gravel crunched under the tires as we made our way down the winding driveway. I stepped out and stared at my childhood home, suddenly unable to remember why I willingly left Grace Valley in the first place. It was the most beautiful house in town with its one-of-a-kind sage green siding and crisp white trim. I remembered when my mother dragged me to the local hardware store for paint. We stayed there for hours until the right shade was mixed and then we sat outside and watched my dad paint the entire house. It took forever, but we had so much fun.
It was a farmhouse by definition, but the only animal living there was Gnocchi, who I could see curled up in a ball on the swing hanging on the front porch.
“He’s still kicking around,” my dad said with a smile. “Even in the snow.”
I loved that he always knew what I was thinking without me ever having to say a word. “I’ll meet you inside,” I told him, returning his smile. “I want to take it all in first.”
He nodded in understanding. I looked around the yard briefly before I set my eyes back on the house. I closed them and breathed in the scent of winter before slowly walking up the side steps to the wraparound porch. New door. I never thought I’d see the day.
Gnocchi saw me and bounced off the swing. He instinctively rubbed against my legs and purred so loudly it made me giggle. I dropped my bag onto the swing and scooped him up. Our reunion was exactly what I needed, and I was so glad he hadn’t forgotten about me. After a few minutes of kitty snuggles, I grabbed my bag and headed into the house.
The aroma of my dad’s beef stew filled the air, and for a minute, I forgot why I was home. For a split second, I almost called out to my mom to let her know I was there. Even though I hadn’t spoken to her, being here somehow changed how I viewed everything. My heart sank at the realization that I was never going to be able to do that again.
The house was exactly as I had remembered it, all the way down to the wallpaper adorned with laundry baskets, clothespins, and clothing in the mudroom. My mom was notorious for decorating like that, and I always loved those little touches. A picture of Gnocchi asleep in a laundry basket of clean sheets hung on the wall. I could see my father probably hadn’t done a load since my mom’s accident. I would need to remember to go back in there and wash everything after he went to bed.
“Just drop your things in the mudroom, sweetie. We have plenty of time to get you settled after lunch,” Dad told me.
I put my boots on the mat and hung up my coat on the hook that had been put on the wall for me many years ago. I left my suitcase and laptop on the bench and went into the kitchen for lunch.
“Take a seat, pumpkin. I’ll bring you a bowl. Did you want some crusty bread to go with it? People have been dropping food off like crazy, and I can’t keep up with it all,” my dad admitted. “I am so happy to have you home again.”
“Sure, Dad. Thanks,” I said and reached to grab the placemats and napkins to set the table.
I sat across from him in the chair I had sat in for my entire childhood. Just as I was about to put my spoon into the bowl of stew, something caught my eye. My mother’s favorite sweater was draped over the chair to the right of me. The sight of it made my heart sink. How many times had I seen my mother wearing that sweater? Countless.
“You can have that if you want,” Dad said quietly.
“The sweater?” I asked.
“I see you eyeing it. It’s yours. She’d want you to have it,” he replied. I smiled, thankful for his offer, and continued my lunch.
Gnocchi perched himself on the end of the table across from where my mom would have been seated had she been there. He was never allowed on the table before, so I tried unsuccessfully to shoo him off. My dad didn’t seem to mind, though, and Gnocchi looked at me like he owned the place. I playfully rolled my eyes, happy to be sitting at the table with him.
“Hey, Dad. There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you, but I didn’t think it was right to do over the phone.”
His lips immediately drew into a line, and if you looked really closely, you could see the corners of his mouth ever-so-slightly curve into the beginning of a frown. He lifted his head and gently raised his eyebrows as if to say go on.
“Umm, so there’s really no easy way to have this conversation, but what exactly happened to Mom? You just said she was in an accident and she didn’t make it. Can you elaborate?”
“Oh, pumpkin...” He paused, placing his spoon gently in his bowl and looking me right in the eyes. “Well, she was on her way to see you.”
His words had me choking on my stew.
“Excuse me, what?” I asked in between coughs. “Why would she be coming to see me? We hadn’t spoken to each other in seven years. She hadn’t even come to my graduation and she was coming into the city to see me? I find that hard to believe.”
“She was. She couldn’t take the distance between you two any longer and was afraid if she called, you wouldn’t answer the phone. At least if she made it to your apartment and you wouldn’t talk to her, she would have been able to see you in person and know she had tried.”
“Wow. I’m… I don’t know how to respond to that,” I said.
“Now, isn’t that a surprise,” he teased.
“Very funny, Dad. So, what happened? Did the accident happen on the way to the city or on the way home? Was it the day you called? I’m sorry for making you go back over the events with me, but I think I have a right to know. Especially now that I know she was coming to see me.”
“You know your mother liked to get an early start on everything. She woke up and got ready, had a quick bite to eat with me, and headed out. She was about forty-five minutes out of town when it happened. The witnesses said a deer darted out of the woods and the other driver swerved so he wouldn’t hit it. He cut the wheel too hard, hit a patch of ice, and slammed into Mom’s car head on. When the ambulance got there, she was already gone. There was nothing they could do to save her.”
“Daddy, oh my gosh. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here with you when you got that call,” I said, tears forming in my eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening.” I reached across the table to hold his hand, and he squeezed back in acknowledgment.
“It hasn’t really sunk in yet, and I’m not sure when it will,” he said. “But I’m happy to know I have you here with me now. Even though I know you need to get back to the city and your job. I wouldn’t be able to go through the funeral without you. I keep looking down the hall and expecting your mother to come walking out of the bedroom. Or see her grading papers at her desk in the den. I was supposed to go before her.”
“Oh, Daddy, don’
t say that. You couldn’t have known this would happen, and I can’t bear the thought of losing you, too. I’m here for as long as you need me.”
He squeezed my hand again, smiled softly, although still with sadness in his eyes, and stood up to clear his plate. Moments like these never needed to drag on. We both had always known when conversations had ended.
“Dad, I know I just got here, but do you mind if I go up to my room and get settled? I have a little bit of work to do, and I’d like to relax for a few,” I told him, setting my dish into the farmhouse sink that was probably older than I was, but in better shape.
“Of course. Take your time. I’ll be in the den reading the paper. I’ve got Mike in charge of the store for the next few weeks. I’ve started a bit on the funeral arrangements but not too much, so I’ll probably work a bit more on that while you settle in, pumpkin.”
I smiled, grabbing my things and heading upstairs to my old room.
9
I stood frozen at my door, my hand lying gently on the doorknob. I never thought I’d be back in Grace Valley, let alone my old bedroom, so soon. So many years had passed since I had been here, and my heart wasn’t ready. The girl who used to live here was not the same girl who was standing here now.
I sighed deeply and opened the door. It looked exactly the same as I had left it. Except there was no dust, which meant Mom had definitely been cleaning in there. As I looked around, I remembered how my mother used to pop out of the closet with a laundry basket trying to scare me. She never succeeded but I’ll never forget her laugh every time she did it. I wished she had just called me before she decided to come to the city.
My room smelled like vanilla and lavender, the same as it always had. When I moved to the city, I had vowed to never have my home smell the way it had where I grew up. I wanted—no, I needed—to forget it all. How could I have been so stupid? All of that was for nothing. I’d have given anything to go back in time and change things.
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