Liam

by Alexis Winter

  Hearing him talk about me moving into his house at the ranch causes my heart to pound uncontrollably. I open my mouth, but no words come out. These last few months, I’ve been doing exactly what I said I would. I’ve been present in the relationship, but I’ve also kept my distance, waiting for the day he was done with me.

  “It’s not something you have to decide on right now, Ves. Just something to think about.” He stands from the bed and walks over to the bathroom where I hear the shower start up.

  My mind is an endless loop of what should I do? I love my job at the clinic and only said I’d take this full-time spot at the ranch to help him out. But I feel like if I do take that step, move in and work there, I will only be getting further away from my dream. It would be all too easy to work at the ranch and wake up one day to realize that I’m out of time and I never got to do what I wanted to do.

  I think its time to look more into those applications, see if I can find him a full-time vet. I can keep working toward my dreams and we could continue the relationship like we have been.

  With a plan in place, I can finally breathe easy.

  Liam and I spend the day truck shopping. He ends up buying a black Ford F-250. It’s big enough to use on the ranch, and it has four-wheel drive for the winter months. In the spring, he can go back to driving his little sports car around while the ranch has a brand-new truck to use.

  I drive the truck back to the ranch and he follows me behind in his sports car. Every time I look at the mirror behind me, he’s slipping and sliding all over the road. Several times, I had to brace myself when I stopped at a stop sign, thinking he was going to slam into me. Luckily, he never did.

  We walk into the house and remove our coats. While he begins preparing dinner, I slip into a pair of his flannel pj bottoms and one of his t-shirts, then pour us both a glass of wine.

  “How did the truck drive?” he asks, tossing some onions into a pan to sauté.

  “Great. It’s a smooth ride. I think once you get used to driving that big truck, you’ll hate that little sports car.”

  He laughs. “I doubt that.”

  “After riding in SUV’s and trucks for so long, every time I get in that little car of yours, I feel like I’m going to bump my ass off the road.” I laugh, and he joins in.

  We have idle chit-chat while he finishes up dinner and I load the dishwasher. When we sit down, I feel like I need to tell him I’ve thought about what he said this morning but there is a growing knot forming in my stomach.

  “Liam,” I breathe out his name.

  He looks up from his plate and wipes his mouth with a napkin.

  “I’ve thought about what you said this morning, about moving in and taking the position.”

  He nods once. “And?” His blue eyes look so hopeful, and I hate knowing that I’m going to be the reason that changes.

  “I think I’m going to keep my spot at the clinic.” A weight has been lifted from my chest, but he diverts his eyes back to his plate.

  “It’s just that, I have dreams of my own, you know? I want to bring in more business, so I have the money to expand. It’s always been my dream. And if I take you up on your offer, I know I’ll be so busy and comfortable here, that it won’t ever happen.”

  “I understand, Ves.” He picks up his fork and continues eating.

  “I will go back to looking at the applications on Monday, if you’d like. I know I forwarded you some before. Did you not like any of those?” I pick up my wine glass and take a sip while watching him.

  “Honestly, I didn’t even look at them.”

  “What?” My brow furrows. “Why?”

  He drops his fork and it clatters to his plate. “Because I don’t want anyone else. I want you!” He has worry lines forming on his forehead, and his eyes nearly burn with passion. He’s not used to not getting something he wants.

  “I understand that, Liam. But I’m not something you can buy. I declined the offer. You need a vet,” I point out.

  “You’re not something I can buy!? What the hell does that mean, Ves? Have I ever given you the reason to believe that I’m trying to buy you?”

  “No,” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “That’s not what I meant.” I let out a long breath. “I just meant that I know you’re used to getting what you want. And I’m sorry, but I can’t give you what you want. I have to make this decision for myself. Why is that hard for you to understand?” I stand up, picking up my plate, and carrying it to the sink. I’m too amped up to eat, not to mention, I need to put some distance between us.

  “It’s not hard to understand. I just don’t like it.” He stands and throws his arms in the air.

  “Look at the applications, Liam. Set up the interview. Then we can go back to living the way we have been these last few months. Instead of coming here to check on Lucy, I can just come here for you.” I feel like I’m pleading with him.

  He looks at his feet, and breathes out a soft, “Okay, Ves.” He looks back up at me, but his eyes don’t hold the same emotion as they did before. Now he looks defeated. “If that’s what you want.”

  “Really?”

  He presses his lips together tightly. “Really.”

  I feel my smile stretch across my face as I move in to hug him. “This means a lot, Liam. I love what we’re doing. But I love my job too, and I have to be true to myself and give my dream a shot. If I give up now, I’ll always wonder what if.”

  He hugs me close. “I know,” he whispers in my ear.

  In the morning, I leave Liam asleep in bed and go downstairs to make a pot of coffee. While it brews, I head out to the barn to check on Lucy. I stand at the bottom rung of the fence and pet her nose. “Good morning, Lucy. How are you and that baby today?”

  I hear the crunch of gravel and turn to see Tyler standing at the open door of the barn. He walks in and closes the door behind him.

  “You really should leave this closed, so the heat doesn’t get out.”

  “Sorry,” I say, turning back to Lucy. “I just wanted to check on Luce really quick.”

  “You’re here awfully early to have such a long drive.” He grabs a saddle and tosses it onto a hay bale.

  “Yeah, I just got an early start.”

  He nods his head like he accepts my answer, but then walks closer. “You’ve been here a lot lately. I see your car here at all hours of the morning and night, but don’t ever find you in the barn.”

  I know what he’s getting at. He’s going to ask about me and Liam. But I’m still confused about us. This whole time, I thought we were just hanging out and having sex, but lately, Liam seems as if he wants more. I am not even sure what we are at this moment. I don’t have an answer for him. And not only that, but it’s none of his business.

  I step down and start toward the door.

  “You know, I’ve noticed a difference with you two. Are you dating now? I haven’t seen that super model girlfriend of his around lately.”

  I reach the door and turn to face him. “Tyler, what I do is none of your business.” I open the door and step through, closing it behind me.

  When I walk back into the house, Liam is standing in the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee. “Hey, where were you?” he asks, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my lips.

  “I went out to check on Lucy.” I step around him and pour a cup for myself. “I ran into Tyler. He’s asking questions about us.” I take my coffee and sit at the table.

  “And what did you tell him?”

  “That it is none of his business,” I answer.

  He presses his lips together in a tight line. “Mmm…” He takes a sip of his coffee. His response confuses me. Did he want me to tell Tyler that we’re sleeping together? Is it his way of bragging or something? Surely, he didn’t want me to tell him we’re in a relationship. We haven’t even had that conversation yet.

  I open my mouth to ask, but my cell rings. I pull it from my pocket. “Hello?”

  “Ves, you need to get to the clinic now. We’v
e had an emergency call in. Mr. Arnold’s dog got hit by a truck. He’s needing him to put down.”

  My heart cracks and breaks. This is the worst part of the job. “Well, how bad is it? Can he be saved?”

  “I haven’t seen him yet. I’m on my way now. But from his description, it sounds pretty bad.”

  “I’m on my way.” I hang up the phone and stand, spinning in circles as I look for my coat, purse, and keys. “I have to go. There’s an emergency down at the clinic.”

  Liam stands. “Is there anything I can do?”

  I shake my head, finally spying my purse on the counter. I rush over to it. “No. I’ll talk to you later.” I grab my purse and dig through it for my keys.

  “Ves,” he says, following me to the front door.

  I open it and pause in the doorway. “Yeah?”

  “I’ll let you pick the vet for the ranch. Just let me know when the interview is.”

  “Okay.” I nod, leaning in for a kiss.

  I pull away and rush out the door.

  “Ves!” he calls after me.

  I look over my shoulder.

  “Never mind. I’ll talk to you later.” His hand sails through the air as if he’s pushing away his thoughts. He retreats back into the house, closing the door between us.

  I want to ask him what’s going on. Why he’s acting so strangely, but I don’t have time. I make a mental note to call him later and figure out whatever is bothering him.

  21

  Unfortunately, Mr. Arnold was right about his dog. He had several broken bones and internal bleeding. It would cost a lot of money to try and save him, and chances were, with his age, he still wouldn’t survive. I left them to say their goodbyes, then went to the back to euthanize him. Buster’s eyes closed, his breathing and heart rate slowed, then he was gone.

  Tears pooled in my eyes as I tore off my gloves and went to the front. “Amy can you please finish up for me. I think I’m going to get out of here for the day. I have a lot on my mind, and that didn’t help matters.”

  “Of course, honey,” she replies as I push out of the door.

  I climb behind the wheels and drive. I don’t know where I’m going, only that I need to get away, have some alone time.

  I drive for miles down every back road I can find. Suddenly, I remember that I forgot to call and set up the interview. I already had a vet in mind from the stack of applications I had gone through. That way if Liam asked for my opinion, I would be able to tell him which one I would choose for myself.

  I pull to the side of the road and open my email on my phone. Scrolling through, I find the email I had sent to Liam months ago. I go through it and find the name I’m looking for; Dillon West.

  Tapping on his number, the phone dials.

  “Hello?” he answers.

  “Hello, this is Vesper Lawrence. Is this Dillon West?”

  “Yes, how are you, Vesper?”

  “I’m great, thanks for asking. I know it’s been a while since you submitted your application, but I was wondering if you were still interested in the job at The O’Connor Ranch?”

  “Yes! I would love to,” he replies.

  “Great. Would you like to set up a time for your interview?”

  He agrees, and I set it up, texting the information to Liam. I shift back into drive and head home, wanting to take a long, hot shower to forget all about this day. In fact, I think I might make a whole day out of it. I’ll lounge on the couch, watch tv, eat junk food, and drink until I forget all about Liam’s weird behavior and Buster.

  It’s going on eight p.m. when Liam walks through the door, completely unannounced.

  I’ve been drinking wine most of the day. To say I’m a little buzzed is an understatement.

  “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming by.”

  “I didn’t either. I was planning on calling you, but I figured this conversation is better in person.” He sits down on the couch beside me.

  “Oh.” I push myself up into an upright position. “What’s up?”

  “Why didn’t you tell Tyler about us?”

  I shrug. “It’s none of his business.”

  “Why haven’t you invited me to meet your parents?”

  My face scrunches together. “You can meet them if you want?” I say, but it sounds like a question.

  “Yeah?” he challenges, his brows pulling together. “How would you introduce me?”

  That’s what this is about. A label. “I don’t know. How would you want me to introduce you?”

  He lets out a deep breath, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. “What I am to you, Vesper?”

  I hold up my hand but let it fall back into my lap. “You’re Liam. My friend, currently my boss since I’m taking care of Lucy. And… we have fun together.”

  “And by have fun, you mean what exactly?”

  “You know. We hook up or whatever you want to call it?”

  “Damn it, Vesper!” He stands, pacing back and forth. And all I can do is watch him.

  “We’ve been together exclusively for months. And you still think all we are, is fuck buddies?”

  “I… I…”

  He scoffs and shakes his head. “I want more with you, Ves. Why do you think I asked you to move in?”

  My heart is pounding in my chest as I watch him pace back and forth. “I don’t know. It came as a surprise to me. I thought we were just having fun. I told you that I didn’t want anything serious months ago!” I stand up, a little light headed from all the wine.

  “I told you I wanted you by my side every single day. I love you, Vesper. And I want to move forward. I want a real relationship with you. I want to meet your family. I want to be called your boyfriend until the day I slip that engagement ring onto your finger.”

  Whoa! Engagement rings? How did we get to this? My heart hammers faster than it ever has before and my head now feels like it’s completely detached from my body, like it’s a balloon floating up to the ceiling. My stomach tightens into a knot, and I need to sit back down.

  “Liam, I…” I shake my head.

  “If you can’t give me all of yourself, we can’t keep doing this. Every day, I fall more in love with you, and you can’t even call me your boyfriend?” Anger is rolling off him in strong waves, and each of those waves are drowning me.

  “I just…”

  “What?” His voice is deep and rough.

  “I just need some time. Please. Let me think about all of this.”

  He nods. “You do that, Ves.” Without another word, he storms out, slamming the door behind him.

  I’m stuck in a place, wondering how in the hell did we get here. Yesterday, we were happy and together. There wasn’t any threat of a life changing decision hanging over my head. Now, it feels like it’s time to choose. I don’t want a relationship. I want to keep my time open, so I can dedicate all the time I need to my clinic and work on expanding the business. I didn’t plan on doing the whole relationship, love, marriage thing until much later—when my business was growing and standing on its own.

  If I do this with Liam now, will it take me away from my dreams? Am I okay with that, if it does? What do I want more, love or my dream?

  I feel like stomping my foot. I want both. I just want one before the other. Why can’t he understand that? Why can’t he be okay with doing what we’re doing now, until everything is in place like I’ve always planned it?

  Tonight, is not the night to decide. I’ve had a shitty day. I’m drunk, and I’m in desperate need of sleep. I push all my thoughts aside, lock up, and go to bed where I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  When I wake up in the morning, I feel even more tired than I did before I went to sleep. My head is pounding, and my eyes are sensitive to light. I hold my hand in front of them as I stumble to the bathroom, hoping a hot shower will make me feel better.

  When I step out, I find Amy in my apartment. I pull on my robe and sit on the couch next to her.


  “What’s up with you today?”

  I let out a long breath. “Liam. He wants a relationship. A real relationship.”

  “That’s great, Ves!”

  I look up at her. “Is it?”

  “Isn’t it?” she replies.

  “No. I’m not ready. I have my life planned out. I was going to open my clinic, find some steady ground to stand on, then work toward expanding. Love comes after all of that. And now, here he is, confessing his love for me and forcing me to make a decision.”

  She looks over at me with kind eyes. “You can’t plan everything, Ves. No matter how hard you try.”

  “I know,” I mumble.

  “Do you want to be with him?”

  I nod. “I do, I just want a chance at achieving my dream first.”

  “He can’t sit around and wait for you to be ready.”

  “I know that.” I lean my head back, looking up at the ceiling.

  “Why can’t you see yourself achieving your dream with him by your side?”

  I look over at her, and open my mouth, but I don’t have an answer.

  Over the past week, I’ve picked up my phone several times to call Liam, but every time I see his name on the screen, I chicken out and hang up. He hasn’t called, texted, or come by. He’s giving me space to make the decision. And even though talking with Amy has put some things into perspective, I still have no idea about what I’m going to do. It almost seems easier to forget about it and ignore the fact that if I don’t decide soon, I’ll lose him whether I want to or not.

  I stay late at work, cleaning up, paying some bills, and going through the applications. I decided that if I want to expand and grow, that needs to start happening now. The practice is making a little more money each week, and I finally have enough in the budget to hire another vet and someone to fill in for Amy—someone to book appointments, answer phones, and help to clean up around here.

  Amy peeks into my office. “Hey, what are you still doing back here?” she asks, walking in and sitting down across from me.

  I lean back in my seat and push my strawberry-blonde hair away from my face. “Just working… thinking.” I meet her eyes. “I think I’m going to focus on the clinic and let things with Liam calm down. It’s just not the time.” I shake my head.