by David Horne
“Have you managed to cry it out now? We should get back in there. Did you know that Bob had a brother?”
“What? Simon, I don't care about that. What I care about is you.”
“Well, I don't get why you're shouting at me. All I said was—”
“I know what you said. Don't you see how hurtful it is? Look, I get that you haven't had the best time of it over the past couple of years, but sometimes you act like the world is against you, and it really isn't. It's not easy for any of us, but we all just have to make the best of it and carry on as best we can. You got your heart broken, but that doesn't have to define your life. Can I be perfectly honest with you?”
“Nothing's ever stopped you before.”
“I'm not sure I like the person you're turning into. I don't think it's healthy. You always look at the negative in life. Sometimes I wonder where you find any joy. I get that it's not easy, and that you've had a few knocks, but it's not like you to internalize them and only focus on them. You can't see the good either, and if you don't start developing a more positive outlook on life, it's only going to get worse. I just wanted to tell you now because I can't handle any more of it. I don't want you to turn into a bitter husk of a man. And I just...I just want you to be happy, you know? I remember when we were younger, we'd talk about the future and you were always the one who saw things for the way they should be, not just the way they were. I loved that about you, but as the years have gone by, it's just...it's all different, and sometimes I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes it's like I have to watch my best friend die right in front of my eyes, and there's nothing I can do.”
Simon sat there, stunned. He looked toward the fountain and stared at the unending stream of water rushing out of the cherub's mouth.
“I had no idea you felt that way,” he said in a small voice.
“Probably because you've been so wrapped up in your own problems.”
“That's not fair. I always try and make time for you.”
Amy dried her eyes again and leaned her head on Simon's shoulder. “You're right. I'm sorry. That wasn't fair of me. A lot of this is the drink talking, you know.”
“They do say that the truth comes out when you're drunk.”
“What you said really hurt me. About me not being someone special.”
“You know I didn't mean it like that. Of course you're special. You're the most special person in the world to me. I can't imagine my life without you. You're the one who keeps me on track. You're the one who helped me survive my teenage years, and I'm pretty sure I'd be a virgin if it wasn't for you. I'm sorry for what I said, really, truly, deeply. I wish I could take it back. You know, sometimes things just slip out of my mouth.”
“And more often than not things slip in,” Amy said with a wicked smile. Simon playfully hit her arm.
“Not as often as I'd like,” he added, and the two of them laughed loudly.
“It's just bad at weddings you know, seeing all the things that you really want. I love you more than life itself, but friendship-love isn't the same as romantic love.”
“I know, but it's the same for me too. It's not like I've set the world alight with my romances. Do you believe in soul mates?”
“Maybe, but I don't know if it's always the way we think it is. I mean, I can't imagine anyone being a better soul mate than you. You know me better than I know myself.”
“Then we should make a pact. If we get to forty and neither of us are married, let's just give up and make a go of it ourselves.”
“It'll be an interesting fifteen years. Can you imagine where we'll be?”
“Hopefully on the arms of rich, handsome men who will buy us lots of sparkly things and take us on trips to glamorous and exotic locations.”
“Ever the dreamer,” Simon said, chuckling to himself. “Come on, you want to go back inside?”
“Actually, I think I've had enough of this wedding. I think I'd just like to go home now.”
“Did you hear what I said about Bob's brother? I think we really should go back inside. It seemed like it was a pretty big deal.”
“A big deal for Bob maybe,” Amy said, wincing as she slid her shoes over her feet. Simon turned his head away, hiding his smile. One thing he would never understand about women is how much pain they put themselves through for their outfits. It was as though they were doing some kind of penance, as though they had to make a sacrifice to look beautiful.
As they walked, Simon felt Amy get heavier in his arms, and by the time they reached a cab she was almost asleep.
“What's the deal with this brother Amy? Do you know anything about it?” Simon asked.
“He was lost...” she breathed, but any further words were lost in a yawn as she closed her eyes and settled into sleep. Simon climbed in behind her and gave the driver the destination. The cab pulled away from the stately home and the wedding. Simon looked back longingly, thinking about all he was missing, for he was unable to shake the image of the man out of his mind.
Once again he thought about things being different in his life. It had turned out to be one of his most consistent habits, even though it only led him to feeling unsatisfied with the status quo. If he stayed he imagined sidling up to Logan, asking him all manner of questions, getting to know the man. Then they would stroll around the gardens and the two of them would realize they had been searching for each other. There would be a secluded kiss under the moonlight and their worlds would be transformed.
It was a nice thought, a pleasant thought, but one that Simon knew would never have come to pass. More than likely he was that he would have avoided talking to Logan. He would have stared, sure, and tried to catch his attention, but never would he have been brave enough to approach the man himself. It would always just be another possibility in a sea of them, all the winding paths he could have taken leading into unknown mists. Thinking about what Amy had said, Simon considered the path he was on now. Would it lead to where he wanted to go? Would it turn him into the man he wanted to be?
It was time to turn over a new leaf. For too long, Simon had been letting external factors influence his outlook on life. It was time for a change. Amy had said some harsh things to him, but they were all true, and that was one of the reasons why he loved her as much as he did. From that moment he promised to be more positive, to look for opportunities rather than think back to all the times things he wanted had slipped through his fingers. He was twenty-five years old, and it was time to stop thinking like a lovesick teenager. He was a man, and an adult, and he had to act accordingly.
Chapter Three
The following morning, Simon awoke and made some coffee. He took a mug into Amy's room and held it in front of her nose. After a few moments she stirred, and immediately groaned.
“Please tell me I have some more sick days to take,” she said. Simon handed her the mug. She took one sip, groaned again, then her head fell back to the pillow.
“Come on, you know you'll only feel worse if you stay in bed,” he said, nudging her. Amy tried to resist, but eventually she scowled.
“Fine. I don't even know what happened last night. I didn't think I drank that much.”
“I think you did. You got through that wine pretty quickly.”
“We did.”
“I think you'll find that you had the vast majority.”
“Well, it was a wedding, you have to do that sort of thing don't you. Still, as much as I love Bob and Jackie I can't believe they had their wedding on a Sunday. What kind of people do that?”
“They're very religious. I suppose they wanted it to be sacred.”
“When I get married, I'm definitely making it a Saturday, or waiting until everyone has some time off. I do not want to go back to work right now.”
“I'm sure you'll cope,” he said. “Listen, I was thinking about what you said last night and I think you're right. I have lost myself somewhere along the way, and I'm not entirely sure where it happened, but it did. Did your dad ever have one of
those conversations with you about growing up?”
“My dad? Please. He barely had a conversation with me about anything that wasn't football. Even my mom didn't, all she said was that I should find a good man to settle down with, like that's the only aim I ever had.”
“Well, that's probably a whole other thing we should talk about, but I was thinking about the time my dad sat me down after graduation. It was this really somber moment. I mean, you know my dad and how he likes his little dramatic speeches, so I was expecting it, but it really came from the heart. He talked to me about life and how so much of our graduation seemed like the culmination of everything, when really it was just the beginning of something even bigger. He told me that the secret to life was ignorance, that when we're kids we always think adults know everything, but as soon as we grow up we realize that, actually, nobody knows anything. We're all just muddling through, trying to be the best version of ourselves that we can be.”
“I'd say that he got it pretty spot-on.”
“Yeah, turns out he knows a lot of what he's talking about. Anyway, the thing that stuck most in my mind was when he told me that being a man, an adult, is about choosing who you want to become. I think that over the past few years I've lost sight of that option. It's been too easy for me to let the world shape me. Maybe that's because I haven't had him to remind me.”
“Things will get better Simon. They always do, and no matter what, you'll always have me to remind you.”
“Yeah,” Simon said, smiling weakly. Thinking about his father like that brought back so many emotions, some happy, like remembering how the two of them would spend so many summer nights in the garage making model replicas of famous landmarks and vehicles. Then there was the moment when Simon came out to his parents. It had been a big deal, but only because the world had made it a big deal.
It had always seemed strange to Simon that coming out was such a thing. It wasn't like straight people had to come out and announce that they liked the opposite sex. Being attracted to men was just the way Simon was wired, and yet he had to sit his parents down and tell them. Of course, they already knew. Somehow. Simon still hadn't figured out how. His father had only enigmatically told him that when he was a parent one day he would know. Thankfully, neither of them judged him. Both accepted him for who he was and, to this day, Simon's father was his role model. It all could have gone badly. Simon heard about so many other stories where kids were shamed for the way they were. He hoped that his father knew how grateful Simon was.
“So what happened at the end last night? You mentioned something about a brother?” Amy asked, shaking him from his trip down memory lane. Instantly thoughts of Logan filled Simon's mind. Blood rushed through his body. His heartbeat became frantic, and he was sure that his skin was flushed.
Pretending to be useful and tidy up some of the clothes strewn on the floor—living with Amy had really opened up his eyes as to how messy girls could be—Simon tried not to let Amy know about his desire for the mysterious man.
“He came out of nowhere. Strode right into the room. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked right at him. Bob ran up and hugged him, and called him brother. I left after that. I had no idea Bob even had a brother.”
“I think I remember him mentioning it once. Guess it's not something they like to talk about. I never knew the ins and outs of it. Bob was, well, never the most talkative when it came to emotions.”
“Was it weird seeing him get married to Jackie yesterday?”
“Only in the sense that they beat me. The thing I had with Bob was never serious, and come on, if it hadn't been for me they never would have gotten together.”
“Are you really trying to take credit for their marriage?”
“Well, I played a part,” Amy said, taking another sip of coffee. She was sitting up in bed now, and looking a little more alert. “If I hadn't broken up with him, Bob never would have been so distraught that he crashed his car into that tree and Jackie wouldn't have gone over to help him. So in a way I'm like their little cupid.”
“Anyway,” Simon said, trying not to roll his eyes, “about his brother?”
“Oh, yeah, well, like I said he never mentioned it much. The only reason I know about it at all is because there were pictures of a random kid dotted around their house. When I first asked I thought the child had died or something. Maybe going missing was worse. Bob seemed to think so, as they didn't know what happened to him. All he told me was that his brother went missing when he went on a trip and they hadn't heard anything from him. There was no trace. It was the first time I'd seen a man cry. It's good that he's back though. He must have a hell of a story to tell.”
“Yeah, he must,” Simon said, his imagination running wild. So many questions ran through his mind, not that he would ever get answers to any of them. “Maybe we should go and see Bob and Jackie soon… make sure they know how much fun we had at the wedding.”
“Oh sure, and you can get to know this brother while you're at it.”
“That's not what I was thinking at all,” Simon said defensively. “I don't even know if he's gay.”
“Don't you guys have gaydar?”
“If that's a thing, then I have not been blessed with it. I've never been able to tell for sure,” Simon said. “And his name is Logan by the way.”
“How wild. Like an animal,” Amy said, and made cat claws with her hands.
“Settle down there,” Simon said. “Promise me you'll go into work. We need the money.”
“I know, I know. The sooner I find myself a sugar daddy the better,” Amy said, struggling to push away the covers and rise to meet the day.
“You know that's not what you want. You're just as much of a romantic as I am.”
“Yes, both of us are cursed with the need to love,” Amy said dramatically, placing the back of her hand to her head and swooning, falling back on the plush sheets. Simon pulled her up, ignoring her groans, and sent her into the shower. He moved into the front room and sighed at the mess. For such a small place there was a hell of a lot of mess, and it seemed as though it was always there, no matter how many times he cleaned. Glancing at the clock, he tidied a little bit before he had to leave, and then threw on some clothes and grabbed his satchel. He yelled goodbye to Amy, even though he doubted she could hear him over the cascading downpour of the shower. Then he made his way to work, idly thinking about the way life worked out.
Sometimes it was too easy to get lost in his own problems and not realize that other people had other things going on too. He'd been acquainted with Bob for a long time. They'd all been to high school together. Simon had known him through Amy, but had never really hung out with them together. Simon never knew that Bob had a long-lost brother. It was funny how there were so many mysteries all around him, waiting to be discovered. Everyone was a world unto themselves with hopes, dreams, desires, and fears wrapped up in the turbulent bundle that was a human life. Even Amy had a little mystery about her, even though they had been friends for years. Rarely did she talk about her parents. They had a frayed relationship at best. Over the years Simon had picked up a few nuggets about her past. Usually they came out when she was drunk. Whenever he pressed her about them, she always changed the subject, or warned Simon off.
He often thought of himself as an open book. There wasn't much more to him than what met the eye, and this brought shame to him. He wanted to be mysterious, to have some kind of illicit secret that would draw people in. He knew he would never be like Logan, who could simply walk into a room and have all eyes on him. Even if Amy wasn't up for it, Simon was going to visit Bob and Jackie to see if he could meet Logan properly and find out what had happened in his lost years.
Chapter Four
Winding through the streets and suffocating on the subway, Simon let his mind wander as he made his usual trek to work. There were so many different faces on the subway, but many of them were the same each day. There was the craggy-faced man with the hook nose always buried in a b
ook, the young woman who looked as though she was moments from falling asleep, the man with dreadlocks who always hummed a reggae beat. Simon used to be annoyed by him, but over time he had grown used to the noise. He saw these people more often than he saw his own family and yet they were strangers to him. Sitting there, looking at them, he wondered what was happening in their own lives. What secrets and mysteries did they hold?
The subway stopped. Some people alighted, others got on. There were fluttering of newspapers. A few people were engaged with intense phone calls, despite it still being early. At some points Simon almost burst out laughing at how absurd it all was, all of them jostling in this tin can like sardines, being carried through the city where they would all go and do a day's work just so they could afford a small corner of the world in which to live. If only it were easy to break free of the shackles of life, to live without obligations to society. The framework was like a prison from which there was no escape.
And Simon wondered why his mindset was negative. It had been bred into him by what he saw every day. The struggle of people who were eking out a living, grinding their fingers to the bone, and where would it lead them? Would he be making this same journey in fifteen years?
In his final year of high school one of Simon's assignments, along with everyone else in the year, had been to write an essay about where he thought he would be in five, ten, fifteen, and twenty years. It was perhaps the most difficult school assignment he had ever had to complete. While some people had clear plans for the future, Simon had only seen a bleak mist. He envied those who knew where they wanted to be and how to get there. All Simon knew is that he wanted to be happy. How he would get there was another matter entirely. It seemed like the key to happiness was love. He wanted to have a good home, a relationship like his parents, and ultimately even perhaps a child of his own.
The longer life went on, the farther away that future seemed to be. Life kept moving, but it took his dreams with it, and there was no way to ever let the ride slow down. It was as though he was caught on a roller-coaster, completely at the mercy of the ride.