by Gwyn McNamee
Stone remains near the door, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room and shifting uncomfortably, tension obvious in his stance.
What happened?
He looks terrible, and I didn’t think it could get much worse than the other night.
Savage runs his hands back through his hair, a move so darn similar to Stone. They’re more alike than they want to admit. “Mom, this isn't gonna be easy for you to hear, but I need you to listen. I know how much you care about Dom, and I understand where your loyalty to him comes from, but there’s something that you need to know. You need to know the truth about what's been happening and what happened early this morning when we left the fire.”
Mrs. Hawke freezes and glances between Savage and Gabe. “I don't understand what you're talking about.”
“You will.” Skye reaches over and wraps her arm around her mother shoulders, giving her a pat. “Just listen to them, Mom. It's important.”
It's clear Skye already knows what's going on, or at least part of it. That much has been evident since we were at the fire.
But I’m still standing over here completely in the dark. And I don’t like it.
Savage nods and glances at Gabe before starting again. “I guess it's best to start at the beginning. With Dani.”
Dani sighs and reclines back on the couch. “I've been investigating Dom for years.”
That doesn’t surprise me. I knew Dani had some big story she’d been working for years and years, but she never let me in on what it was. Dom makes sense. She’s always been hell-bent on taking down men like him. Something she inherited from Dad, no doubt.
“What? Why?” Mrs. Hawke’s startled question almost makes me chuckle.
She can’t be that naïve or blind to who and what Dom Abello is. Even I know he’s dangerous, and I haven’t known him his whole life.
Skye turns to her mother. “Because he's a criminal, Mother. He's a goddamn gangster. And don't try to argue that point with me right now because you'll soon realize that your trust and belief in him is misplaced.” She looks to Savage and nods.
“Dani had been digging, just looking for anything she could pin on Dom to finally get him sent away. I, of course, knew nothing about this until it was almost too late. You remember when Dom's men were killed last year, and we told you Dani and I were at the scene because she was doing an article about it?” His mother nods. “Well, that's only sort of true. She was there because his men had lured her and her source to the abandoned market in order to kill them.”
Mrs. Hawke’s gasp matches mine and Storm’s. Dani didn’t tell. How could she keep this from me…from Mom?
“We barely got to her in time once we realized what was happening.”
The matriarch of the Hawke family turns her eyes to Gabe. “You killed them.” It isn’t a question. Given Gabe’s history, I guess it’s an obvious assumption to make.
He nods. “I didn’t have a choice. They had already killed her source, and the gun was aimed at her head. Thirty more seconds, she would have been dead.”
Storm rises from her seat. “Dom planned that? Okayed it?”
A grim look passes between Savage and Gabe before he answers his sister. “Yes. We met with Dom and turned over a copy of what Dani found, including some very damaging evidence on Gabe’s father.”
Mrs. Hawke shifts forward in her seat. “Brian? Is that why he…” she trails off, her question doesn’t need to be finished. Former Mayor Brian Dunne went out with a bang and left everyone wondering how such a successful and loved politician could fall so hard so fast.
Gabe shakes his head and runs a hand over his face. “I don’t know for sure. But part of our deal with Dom was that he wouldn’t touch me, Savage, or Dani, and he needed to get my father to retire from government service. In exchange, we agreed not to make anything Dani found public.”
Storm approaches Gabe and Savage. “I don’t understand. What does any of this have to do with you being at the police station today? Did they arrest Gabe for what happened? Why now? Wasn’t that well over a year ago?”
“No, I was cleared a long time ago.” Gabe takes her hand and pulls her against him.
She pushes away from him and looks to Savage and Stone, who has remained silent and lurking near the door. “Then why are you telling us this? What does what happened with Dani have to do with anything? Why does it matter now?”
Stone finally moves, stepping into the front of the room between his brother and Gabe. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, holding his head in his hands for a moment before raising his eyes and looking to everyone gathered in the room. His gaze lingers on me long enough for me to catch the true depth of the despair burning there.
Whatever this is, it’s epically bad.
It takes me a few moments to work through the giant lump in my throat. I shouldn’t have looked at Nora. That was a huge mistake. I’m going to break a lot of hearts with what I say, but hers is the only one that matters. She’s all that’s ever mattered.
Another deep breath helps me clear my head.
Can’t put it off any longer.
“Because of something that I did a really long time ago.”
Mom’s mouth opens to ask a question, but I raise my hand. There’s no way I’ll get through this if I’m interrupted.
“Something happened when I was twelve…something I never could've imagined or anticipated…something I've tried to forget the last fifteen years.”
Unsuccessfully.
“Stone, you're scaring me.” Seeing Mom’s lip quiver shatters my already broken heart. “Just tell me what happened.”
I sigh and shove my hands through my hair. “It was one of those days when you sent me off with Dom to do whatever. The boys were fishing, and the girls and you were doing something girly. He brought me to a warehouse and said he had some business to take care of, that it wouldn't take long.” I heave in a deep breath before I continue. “He set me up in the office there and told me to keep myself occupied for a few minutes until he was done. He said there might be a book or something to do in one of the drawers.”
Breathe, Stone.
“So, I opened one and found a gun.”
The looks from around the room tell me they can already anticipate what road this story is taking. Savage and Gabe have already heard it. I spilled everything at the police station. Telling strangers was hard enough. Seeing the reactions of my brothers was like being kicked in the balls again. Knowing what this will do to Dani and Nora though, I’m not sure how I’ll survive it.
“Dom had taken me to the range numerous times. I knew how to handle it and to not do anything stupid. I just looked at the revolver to check to see if it was loaded, and I was just about to put it away when…Christ, this is harder than I thought it would be…”
I close my eyes. I can’t look at any of them when I finish this. “There was shouting and the sound of gunfire, and I didn't know what was going on. I opened the door, and when I went into the warehouse, I found two of Dom's men shot to death.”
Mom gasps, and I can’t stop from opening my eyes to make sure she’s okay. She holds her hand over her mouth. “Oh, my God, Stone. I'm so sorry you had to see that. I had no idea…”
The last thing I want is for Mom to feel guilty about what happened. She did what she thought was best for me by making me spend time with Dom. There’s no way she could have known what would happen.
“Honestly, I didn’t even have time to think about it. I was so worried about what might be happening, so I followed the sound of shouting and found Dom being held at gunpoint. I didn't know who the guy was, just that he had killed two of Dom’s friends and now had a gun pointed at the man who was essentially my father. Dom taught me not to panic in situations like these, so I didn't. I watched. But the yelling got louder and louder, and the man shook his gun at Dom and screamed something I couldn't understand. It looked like he was about to shoot Dom, and then he turned toward me…so…”
Jesus, thi
s is fucking hard.
“So, I shot him first. I emptied the gun, all six rounds. I barely even registered what had happened before Dom grabbed me and dragged me out of there. He told me never to mention it to anyone, not even him, and to pretend like it never happened. He said I had done the right thing but not everyone would see it that way. I believed him because what other choice did I have? I was twelve years old, and I was scared as hell, and the man I trusted more than anything was telling me that it would be okay if I just did what he said.”
Tears stream down Mom’s face, and I chance a look at Nora. She’s frozen in place, her hand over her heart, as if trying to keep it inside her chest. I know what’s coming. That heart will be decimated.
By me.
But she needs to know. They all need to know.
“I tried to push the whole thing out of my mind and forget about it. Of course, that's impossible, but I did my best, at least the best a twelve-year-old can. That was kind of a turning point in my life, thinking that I could go to prison for something really made me want to become a lawyer.”
Mom rises and walks over to me, her lip trembling. “Stone, how come you never said anything to me?”
How do I answer that question?
“Because I packed it away with everything else, all my other feelings about everything that happened. I listened to him and moved on with my life.”
She shakes her head and swipes at her tears. “What does any of this have to do with what happened with Dani? I don't get it.”
Dani steps forward on shaky legs, tears shimmering down her cheeks. “When did this happen?”
The question is cold and direct.
She knows.
But that date wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else in the room except her and Nora.
I close my eyes again and fight the urge to turn and run. But this isn’t something I can run from. Running from what I did back then is what got us here in the first place.
“August 10, 2002.”
Nora gasps and rises from the stool she’s been perched on since I started talking. She shakes her head back-and-forth, taking a few steps forward. “No…no…that's impossible…you can't mean…”
I can’t even begin to fathom what words to say to her right now. What can I say that will mean anything in this moment?
“I'm so sorry, Nora.”
Dani stops in front of me, her fists clenched at her sides. “You killed my father?”
Gasps fill my ears, but I look at Nora, even as I answer Dani. “I'm so sorry. I didn't know he was a cop. I didn't know what was going on…” Dani lets me pass her, and I move toward Nora.
She holds her hands up, halting me from advancing further and shakes her head and takes a step back until she hits the stool behind her. She’s never looked at me with so much fear in her eyes. Not with everything I’ve pushed her to experience.
“No…I can't…I don't…”
How did everything end up so fucked?
Six months ago, things were amazing. Life was exactly how I’d always imagined it. I had a great job, a great apartment, a great sex life, everything a man could ever want. Except I don’t want that life anymore. I haven’t since the moment I touched Nora.
Right now, I’m just dying to comfort her. I’ve never needed anything so much in my life as I need to take her in my arms and hold her right now.
I move toward her slowly.
A trembling raised hand stops me in my tracks. She shakes her head and takes another step back, flinching away from me. Her eyes meet mine, tears streaming down her face, and she says the one word that can shatter my entire fucking world…
“Cupcake.”
THREE MONTHS LATER
The coffee shop looks exactly the same as it did that morning so many months ago..
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t even be back in New Orleans. I should have stayed in California, but I have to see her.
Even after three months of rehab and endless hours of therapy to try to deconstruct the spider web of lies, guilt, and pain, she’s still the only thing I can think about. I can’t just let her go.
No fucking way.
She’s been the only thing good and light in my world for so long, I can’t imagine living without her in it.
It’s a real possibility she’s going to walk away and refuse to even talk to me. And I can’t really blame her for that. After everything I did to her family, and to her, it would be completely warranted. But I’m a fucking selfish prick, and I need for her to at least hear me out before I can attempt to reassemble my life again.
I knew I needed help. After that night when she found me coked out and spiraling down into the darkness, and then after what Skye said…
And it wasn’t just about the coke.
Yes, I was using it as a crutch and letting it become my fallback when shit got too heavy. But it all stemmed from the disorder in my head, stuff I had buried deep for so damn long, I hadn’t even realized it existed.
Dealing with what happened with Nora and Dani’s father, what I did…it needed to happen. And even though I may never be able to accept what occurred and my role in it, therapy at least helped me get a grip on it enough to keep me from reaching for blow.
But it can’t stop me from craving Nora like fucking air. Or change the dreams I have of her every single night.
The familiar scent of coffee and baked goods fills my nose as I step into the shop.
My eyes find her instantly. She’s like a goddamn beacon shining out to me across the dark water, drawing me to safety.
Christ, she’s beautiful.
She’s practically fucking glowing in the pale morning light filtering in from the bay of windows in front of her. The halo of light surrounding her and the white, gauzy shirt she’s wearing make her appear ethereal. She’s a fucking angel.
Images of her in the angel binding return to my head. That was the single best night of my life.
That then became the worst. She fucking safe-worded on me. And instead of staying and facing the fallout, I fled, like the fucking coward I am. I left NOLA, I left my family, I left the mess Dom’s death left, I left a madman like Castillo unchecked, and I left Nora, broken and sobbing in the arms of Dani. Other than a phone call with Skye to tell her where I went and why, I completely cut off everyone. It was the only way I could wade through my own issues and hopefully find my way back. She told me Savage and Gabe explained to everyone what happened with the fire and how Dom died.
Her description was apt. She said it was the perfect bookend to the turmoil he created by just existing, and that the healing was just starting. Without me there. No amount of begging could convince me to return. I needed to leave. To give everyone time. To give myself time to get things in order.
I force myself to shake off the memories and concentrate on the here and now.
She’s at our table.
Does she even realize it?
Maybe she did it intentionally. But it’s more likely just a freak twist of fate designed to make this even harder for me.
I gather what little strength I have and move slowly toward her.
The laptop on the table occupies her focus, and her fingers fly over the keyboard. I don’t think I’ve seen her so intent on something, other than maybe trying not to swear while I was fucking her.
A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth at that memory. One of the ones that kept me going through the last several months.
I stop next to the table, every word I had planned to say disappearing instantly.
Her fingers pause, hovering over the keyboard. Wide blue eyes lift to meet mine, and she sucks in a breath. Her hands fall to the table.
“Stone? What are you…I thought you were…”
I should have known Skye would tell her if she asked, if she even wanted to know. The fact that she did ask has to mean something. At least, my aching heart hopes so.
“I was, but I had to see you. Please, just give me five minutes.”
The hesitance and apprehension in her gaze breaks what’s left of my already demolished heart. But it beats the fear and hatred there the last time I saw her, when I left her standing in Savage and Dani’s condo, sobbing and reeling from finally knowing the truth.
I accept her silence as reluctant acquiescence and plow forward.
“You have every damn right to hate me. I’m an asshole. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I can’t even begin to apologize for everything that happened, everything I did…to you, and your family. I wouldn’t know where to begin because no words can ever take back what happened or what I said.”
Tears stream down her face, but she doesn’t look away or try to interrupt me.
Strong girl.
“I’ve spent the last three months trying to work through my shit. And I finally realized something I already knew that night before the fire, I just wasn’t able to accept it then.”
My heart thunders in my chest. I take a deep breath and prepare to put everything on the fucking line. They’re words I never imagined I would say to anyone, let alone in such a messed up situation as we find ourselves now. But they’re true.
“You fucking own me. I can’t live my life without you in it. I love you.”
She shakes her head and fists her hands on the table. Anger and tears shimmer in her eyes. “They told you, didn’t they?”
I don’t have a fucking clue what she’s talking about. “Told me what?”
She slams her palm on the table, rattling the dishes. Tears drip down her cheeks. “I begged them not to. How could they not understand?”
Understand what?
Her distress has my chest tightening. I want to comfort her, but I don’t dare move closer. “Nora, what are you talking about?”
A man appears at her side and glares at me, but I barely spare him a glance. My entire focus is on her. “Everything okay, Nora?” When his hand lands on her shoulder, my gut seizes.
Holy shit. She’s with someone.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to smash his fucking face in for touching her, but I want her to be happy. And she looked happy when I came in. She certainly doesn’t anymore, and it’s my fault, yet again.