by Gwyn McNamee
“You can always come down here, Ma.” I hated leaving her there, but she isn’t alone. Not really.
She has her cousins and friends, her church group, and the Italian society meetings. She has a life there, one that she’s built over the years since putting NOLA in her rearview.
“You know I can’t.” Her words are barely audible, but the heavy emotion in them screams loud and clear over the line.
She’s right.
I can never go back there, and she can’t come here. There’s too much bad blood. The people of New Orleans are not going to welcome her with open arms after what he did. After what I’m continuing to do.
She may not know what I’m up to, even though she no doubt suspects it, but what he did will haunt her for the rest of her life.
How could it not?
She tried to bury her head in the sand when they were married. She tried to ignore what was happening around her, but she definitely knew. And every time his name appeared in the paper, anytime any scandal arose, anytime there was any danger and it might have touched us, it was like another stab to her poor heart.
Getting out of NOLA was the best thing that ever happened to her…and me.
“You can always come home, baby.”
An ache forms in my stomach with her words.
Home.
I don’t even know what that word means anymore. Is NOLA my home? After being kicked out? Is Jersey my home just because Mom is there? Even if I wanted to go back, it’s out of the question.
“No, Mom. I can’t.” I burned all my bridges there the day that they found out what I am. There’s no going back. I’m staying in New Orleans. This is my home, for better or for worse. This is where I started, and it’s where I will end. Hopefully, sometime far out in the future and with less of a bang than dear ol’ Dad got.
She sighs again, and a momentary silence hangs on the line. I know that silence. She’s gearing up for a question she knows I probably don’t want to answer. “Have you reconnected with the Hawkes yet?”
It’s a loaded question, one she knows the importance of, but I knew she would ask. She knew one of my major goals in returning home was to regain my friendship with the people we both once considered family.
I run my hand back through my hair. “It’s complicated.”
Which she knows.
It almost broke her when she heard what happened to Ben and the truth about Stone and his relationship with Dom. There are so many things she feels guilty about, but allowing Dom to get his hooks into Stone at such a young age is toward the top of that list. She feels like she let it happen because she agreed to leave with me. That somehow, had we stayed, Stone wouldn’t have been dragged so fully into that world.
She doesn’t understand the reality. There was no staying. If she had fought going to Jersey, he would have made sure we went there, or somewhere else, by force, if necessary.
“I’m sure it is, honey. If you talk to them again, send my love.”
A genuine feeling from one of the most loving people I’ve ever met. Despite everything, Mom always tried to protect me and shield me from the harsh realities of who I am and what the world is like today. It’s not her fault she failed miserably at it. And she truly loves the Hawkes and misses them as much as I do.
“I will. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, baby. You’re sure you’re okay?”
This time, I sigh. Okay. It’s such a simple word but such an incredibly difficult concept. “As okay as I can be. Goodbye, Mom.”
I end the call and lean back in my chair. My eyes sweep over the office. Nothing has changed since Dom sat here. Except for the chair my ass is in. This is where he ran his empire. This is where he ordered horrible things against innocent people. This is where he died.
I won’t repeat his mistakes.
I can’t.
6
“Mr. Abello? Sir, there’s someone here to see you.”
Who the fuck is bothering me now?
It’s been one thing after another ever since I got here, but now that I’m no longer spending my time keeping an eye on Storm and have been in the office more, it just means even more bullshit. In the week since Alessandro noticed the car, things have piled up and gotten even more complicated. I haven’t even tried to contact Byron again, even though my finger has hovered over my phone a hundred times wanting to.
He needs to come to me when he’s good and ready. Forcing him to make a decision now would only back him into a corner, and a man like Byron backed into a corner would only result in him lashing out at someone. Mainly me. I’m the one he sees as the enemy, not the Hawkes. He can’t see that what he’s doing by giving in to what he thinks they will accept and condone is completely backward.
Time will change that.
In the meantime, I’m stuck here dealing with months of ignored businesses and partners and a thick-headed moron for a bodyguard.
“Who is it?”
Alessandro clears his throat and looks down the hallway toward the front door. “Pretty sure he’s the chief of police.”
Shit.
“Okay, show him in.”
I should’ve known this would happen eventually. I can’t come into town and set up shop and not expect to draw attention. Attention from the very people who were trying to nail the former Abello don for years before he was killed.
A silver-haired man in his fifties enters my office, and I rise to my feet. “Chief O’Donnell, is it?”
Alessandro closes the door as I walk around the desk to shake the man’s hand. He knows I don’t need him in here protecting me. I’m more than capable and willing to do what it takes with my own two hands, if necessary.
The chief takes my hand and grips it tightly. “Yes, Daniel O’Donnell, Mr. Abello.”
I flash him a smile. “Please, call me Luca.”
His hand drops from mine, and he shakes his head. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that, Mr. Abello.”
Wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re too friendly with the bad guys.
I suppress a chuckle as I return to my seat with a shrug. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. So, what can I help you with today?”
He lowers himself slowly into one of the chairs across from me, and any humor or friendliness that was on his face a moment ago instantly dissipates. “Well. Mr. Abello, here’s where we stand. I’ve heard rumors over the last couple months of you being around, but I only recently got confirmation that you’ve reestablished your father’s business dealings.”
I chuckle. “Let me guess, a little birdie named Gabe told you.”
The corners of his mouth turn up. “Yes, a little birdie told me, though I’m not sure why you think Mr. Anderson has anything to do with this.”
He’s lying.
It was Gabe, and it’s not surprising. Given that Gabe single-handedly took out the former Abello boss and at least half a dozen of his best men on more than one occasion, his relationship with the chief of police, especially when it comes to my family, is quite strong. He probably made a call to the chief the moment I left the club the other night to let him know I was back and what I was up to.
“So, you thought that required a personal visit?” I raise an eyebrow. I have to give the man credit; he doesn’t even flinch under my stare.
“As you know, your father’s, let’s just say, ‘activities’ caused a lot of people, myself included, a lot of grief, and I wanted to make sure we weren’t going to be having any similar problems now that you’re here.”
I steeple my hands in front of my mouth and sigh. “I don’t have any intention of causing any trouble, sir. I’m here to hopefully clean up the Abello name.”
He snorts. “Do you really expect me to believe that you decided to go legit and squeaky clean? I know what you did in Jersey, so don’t play innocent with me. You’re here because there’s a power vacuum that was created when your father was killed, and there are other players like Castillo who tried to swoop in and
snatch up some of your territory and business, but nobody has really dominated yet. This is your opportunity to step in, so let’s not play games.”
I raise my hands. “I don’t play games, but you can’t expect me to divulge business secrets and plans to you.”
He chuckles and rises to his feet, smoothing his button-down shirt. “No, I don’t, Mr. Abello, but what I do expect is for you to not cause any fucking trouble. I went through a lot with your father for a long time, and he managed to slip through our fingers, but I won’t let that happen again if you start up with the same bullshit.” He moves to the door and turns back to me. “You saw how easy it was for Gabe to take your father out, and while I don’t condone indiscriminate killing or vigilante justice, let’s just say, if you start causing any problems, I won’t be sad to see you go the same way your father did.”
Wow. This chief has balls.
I like him.
I rise to my feet and walk around to shake his hand again. “I appreciate the visit, Chief. I’ll keep what you said in mind.”
“I’m sure you will.” He smirks as he opens the door and steps out in the hallway.
Alessandro nods at him, and I hook my thumb toward the front door to let him know the chief is free to go. Anything else wouldn’t do any good at this point. He’s a good man just doing his job while I’m a bad one just trying to do mine. I’m not going to interfere with him, as long as he doesn’t interfere with me.
The words on the page in front of me all blur together into a giant mass of black against the white background. Nothing registers, and nothing has in the hour I’ve been staring at this book. The one I’ve been dying to read. The one I was so engrossed in before I met a certain dark-haired man with eyes the color of night.
People chatter around me, and the clink of silverware and mugs fills my ears, yet none of it distracts me, helps clear my mind, or manages to make me forget the sound of his voice or his words.
He wasn’t wrong. About what he said.
I’m an adult and should be able to be with whoever I want without guilt.
I shouldn’t have to ask for permission or look to anyone for any sort of confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. It’s not anyone’s business.
Then why does my gut hurt so much when I think of what’s going on with him?
Relationships should make you happy. Content. Fulfilled. You shouldn’t be agonizing and worrying constantly. But this is a unique situation and is very different than any other man I could be with. This is about as complicated as it gets.
“Byron?”
I jerk up my head at the soft, familiar voice. Nora stands next to my table, looking down with concern etched onto her beautiful face, her slim, pale eyebrow raised over a shrewd blue gaze.
“Are you all right?”
Not really.
I force a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Are you okay?”
She rubs her huge belly and holds up a Styrofoam cup. “Decaf tea. I sure miss my caffeine, but even though they say it’s safe in small doses, even one cup makes this little one jittery, and he kicks me relentlessly.”
I chuckle. “You’re due soon, right?”
“Yeah, just a couple weeks.”
I can’t believe how fast time has flown. It seems like only yesterday she was applying at The Hawkeye Club and Dani stormed in to try to rip her off that pole.
“Are you anxious to be done?”
She points to the empty chair across from me. “Mind if I sit?”
“No, of course not.”
Maybe some company will help take my mind off all this.
She settles in across from me and drops her purse onto the table. “I don’t know. This whole pregnancy thing is kinda weird.”
I snort and take a sip of my luke-warm coffee. “Yeah, I bet.”
“So, what’s going on with you? You definitely don’t look like you’re okay. You look like you were a million miles away, staring off into space.”
I really can’t tell her what’s going on. Not as wrapped up in the situation as she is.
Keep it vague.
“Have you ever been with someone you know is really bad for you?”
She snorts and takes a sip of her tea. “I don’t know that it’s that simple.” She twists the cup in her hands and gets a faraway look in her eyes. “There are probably people who think me being with Stone is bad for me. Given everything that’s happened and all the history that exists between us…” Her gaze flicks up to meet mine. “Does this guy treat you badly?”
I shake my head. “No, actually, he treats me really well.”
Luca may be aggressive and demanding, but he’s never been abusive or cruel. He just knows what he wants and takes it. And he’s anything but a selfish lover. He takes care of me the same way I do him. And then some.
“Did he cheat on you?”
I shake my head again. “Not that I know of, but it’s not like we’ve discussed being exclusive, either, so even if he has been with somebody else, I really can’t fault him for that.”
She raises an eyebrow at me over the rim of her cup. “Then what’s the problem? Why do you think he’s bad for you?”
And here’s where things get tricky.
“It’s not so much what I think; it’s what I know. He’s not the type of guy I should be with, and there’s a history that makes things even more complicated.”
Her eyes narrow on me. “A history that makes things even more complicated?” She releases a sigh and sets her cup on the table. “Look, Byron, you know I’m not one to dole out advice. I’m usually the one looking for it, but if you want to talk about complicated histories, I don’t think you get much more complicated than Stone and me. We were hot and hard and heavy for only a short period of time before the revelation about Stone killing my father came out, and I wanted nothing to do with him.” She laughs and rubs her belly. “Then I found out I was pregnant, and he came back, and everything changed. Not because of the pregnancy, but because I’d had time to really think about the situation and grow up a little bit.”
The truth of what Stone did had a devastating effect on all the Hawkes, but what it did to Nora and Dani was ten-fold. I can’t even imagine learning someone so close was responsible for the death of your parent, even if it wasn’t done maliciously.
She shakes her head. “I’d be lying if I said Dani and I don’t still struggle sometimes with the truth of what happened, but what these months taught us is that we all do things in a split-second that can have a ripple effect of consequences we never expect. Stone was just a boy. He was protecting the man who was like a father to him. There’s nothing more to it than that. My dad was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people, and I’ve learned to accept that. If I can get over the fact that Stone killed my father, still love him, and still be planning a future and having a child with him, then whatever it is that’s in the history between you and this guy can’t be that bad.”
Well, damn.
When she lays it out like that, it does make it seem a little less complicated. Except it’s not my history. It’s theirs. And just like Stone was responsible for Dani and Nora’s father’s death, Luca’s father is responsible for Ben and Caleb’s.
And while the sins of the father should not necessarily be taken out on the son, Luca isn’t exactly doing anything that’s helping to convince everyone he’s not going down his father’s path. He’s still a mobster with bad intentions.
I nod and offer Nora a tight smile. “You’re right, and if it were about my own past, I might agree with you. But this involves other people, other people important to me.”
She narrows those shrewd eyes again, and I can practically see the wheels turning in her head. She glances at her watch. “Crap, I have class in twenty minutes. I have to go, but just think about what I said. Life is too short to get hung up on what other people want or to bend to what other people think about your relationships. If he makes you happy, if he treats you well, if you can see yo
urself having a future with him, then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks or feels about the guy.”
Words of wisdom from a mere babe.
“Thanks, Nora.”
She grins at me.
“I miss having you around. When you were at the club, you always managed to brighten my day.”
She chuckles as she slowly lumbers to her feet. “There are days I miss it, too, but I don’t think that this,” she rubs her belly, “would be popular with the clientele.”
I laugh. “You’d be surprised. Some people have some real freaky fetishes.”
And I seem to be a masochist to actually be considering trying to make this work with Luca.
7
Luca’s strong arm wraps around my waist. I squeeze it gently and then roll away from him to sit on the edge of the bed. My feet hit the carpet, and I focus on the slit of sunlight streaming in through the sides of the curtains on the floor-to-ceiling wall of windows.
Shit.
I hadn’t intended to stay this long. I hadn’t intended to come at all last night, yet when I left the club, I found myself driving the familiar route here instead of the one home. I rub my eyes, and he shifts behind me.
“Where are you going?” His deep, gravelly voice, heavy with sex and contentment, envelops me.
Anywhere but here.
Every time we’re together, the guilt intensifies. It’s like having a ten-pound elephant sitting on my chest, restricting my ability to breathe. The longer this goes on, the longer I lie to myself and to my friends, the worse it becomes.
Today, it’s unbearable. Almost a living thing with its own pulsing heartbeat and presence.
“Stay.” His large warm hand lands against my naked back, and his finger lazily strokes down my spine.
A shiver rolls through me. It’s not from the chill in the air. “Don’t.” The word comes out as a harsh command, not a request. I glance at the clock. “I have to be at work in like five hours, and I need to shower and get cleaned up before I go.”