by Finn
“Andy was making-out with Carly,” Leroy slurred, not taking his eyes off Blaire. My eyes followed his, and I saw that Blaire had her eyebrows raised.
“Didn’t they used to date?” she asked, and I turned to look back at Leroy, who nodded.
“For like a year. But then she broke up with him and started seeing Brad.” Leroy paused for a moment and looked at me, before adding, “Not your brother. A different Bradly.”
“Thank you for the clarification,” I replied sarcastically with a smile, and watched as Leroy flipped his hair, causing my stomach to drop even further and my heart to go wild.
“Sassy, Stone.” Leroy let out a chuckle before becoming serious. “I must go.”
With that, Leroy spun on his heel and made his way back toward the house, high-fiving a few people on the way. Once he was inside, I turned to face Blaire, who was shaking her head.
“The hero we deserve.”
“But the one we don’t need right now,” I added with a laugh and Blaire continued to shake her head.
“Are we gonna join the party, or are we just gonna watch?”
“You know I’m happy with watching.”
“Yeah, but we should have some fun. Let loose a little.” Blaire nudged me slightly and shot me a smile, which I returned.
“Alright, fine.” I sighed. “Lead the way!”
I gestured toward the house and held my hand out toward Blaire who quickly took it and began dragging me back across the yard. Soon, we were back in the house, and with a quick pitstop to grab a few more drinks—downing a few then and there and taking a few with us—we ended up in the living room of my house. Most of the people at my party were there already, dancing to the music pumping out of the sound system. With its appropriate location next to the kitchen, where the alcohol was, everyone seemed to agree this was the best place to be.
As Blaire and I stood in the middle of the room, where a coffee table usually was, we started to sway to the music.
“This music isn’t really swaying music,” Blaire stated, laughing, though I could only just hear her.
“I’m hurrible doncing though,” I said, giggling uncontrollably as I slurred. I wasn’t too sure on how many drinks I had when we stopped in the kitchen, but they seemed to have all hit my head at once.
“Everyone’s drunk, Pete. Who cares! Let loose!”
At her own words, Blaire started to dance wilder, swinging her arms around, while dipping her head and throwing her hair all over the place. Smiling to myself and holding in a laugh, I decided not to care. Or, more like, the alcohol decided that for me.
It wasn’t long before everyone was dancing in the same hectic way as Blaire and I, while most people had lost themselves in laughter. One song after the other, Blaire and I continued to dance with each other, and through the flailing of arms, I caught glimpses of Andy cheering us on, as well as making some rather vulgar hand gestures. Sometimes, I would even see Leroy smiling drunkenly at us, and I had to stop myself from going over to him and dragging him amongst the dancers.
The night continued to move on, and the wild dancing once again became swaying, as some people went home, and others took a seat or laid themselves on the floor. The only reason Blaire and I had stayed on our feet was because people kept bringing us drinks. It was one of the perks of being the birthday boy.
As we stood swaying on the spot, I found myself holding Blaire in my arms as she rested her head on my chest. It was a nice feeling—having someone to hold. Though, in the back of my mind, much to my annoyance, I wished it was Leroy, even if that could never happen.
I loved all of my friends. I always had. But the feelings that I was starting to develop for Leroy suddenly were something more. It wasn’t like I hadn’t felt something like this before—the butterflies in my stomach, and my heart racing whenever I saw them. Hell, there are times when any cute boy could smile at me, and I would instantly form a crush on them. The Coffee House waiter was a great example. But, for some reason, there was an ebbing thought in the back of my mind, telling me that this wasn’t the same. Telling me that what I was feeling for Leroy wasn’t just an idle crush.
If I was honest with myself, I had always looked at Leroy differently, compared to Blaire and Andy. I didn’t know what it was, but that may have just been because I was still trying to accept who I was. But as time moved forward, I was starting to see who I was meant to be. I was beginning to see the real me. The video that I had made had just been the first step in genuinely accepting myself. Maybe that was a trigger to bring my feelings forward. Whatever it was, I wished that it had kept the feelings locked away because I knew that this would change everything.
Something else that was suddenly beginning to change was a completely different feeling in my stomach. All of the alcohol I’d had was starting to disagree with me, and the swaying seemed to be making it worse.
“I’ll be back,” I quickly said, before pulling myself away from Blaire and moving out of the living room and through the kitchen.
I did my best to pace myself, so it didn’t look like I was about to unfurl the contents of my stomach. Making my way through the people who were still dancing and talking throughout the house, I finally got up the stairs and into the toilet, which was thankfully vacant.
Knowing it was going to be unpleasant, I closed my eyes and prayed that it was over soon.
“Pete?” Blaire’s voice floated through the closed door of the toilet, and I groggily lifted my head away from the bowl.
I had no idea how long I had been in there, but I was feeling better than I had when I’d first entered the toilet. Even if it was only a little bit.
“Yeah?” I called back, my voice raspy and bringing a horrible taste up with it.
“Are you okay?”
“Fantastic,” I called back, pushing myself up from the ground and flushing the toilet.
I slowly moved to the door, unlocking it and swinging it opened it, stumbling as I did so.
“Whoa, are you sure?” Blaire asked, catching me and holding me up.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,” I repeated, seemingly not able to stop saying the same word.
“I think you need to lay down.”
“No, I need to talk to Leroy.”
“Pete, I think if we try to get you back down the stairs, you’ll break your neck.”
“No. You understand, don’t. Need to Leroy,” I slurred, unaware that I was making no sense.
I tried my best to push away from Blaire but immediately almost fell over. If it weren’t for Blaire’s freakishly strong arms, I would have face planted.
“I’m gonna take you to your room,” Blaire said firmly, and I didn’t have it in me to argue.
I let myself be almost carried down the hall. My eyes dropping and my legs falling over each other on the way. After a bit of a struggle though, Blaire finally got me into my room, and I heard her curse under her breath.
“Hey, dumbass! Get the hell out!” she yelled, causing blood to pump in my ears, and I groaned.
“Sorry, Pete,” Blaire whispered before raising her voice again. “Keep fucking walking.”
I heard movement in my room as Blaire moved me forward a bit and spun me around before gently lowering me into something that felt like my computer chair.
“Stay here for a second,” Blaire muttered before she let go of me. “I said, get out!”
Slowly opening my eyes to the point where I could see, I saw someone sluggishly getting up from my bed as Blaire towered over them. It took some time, but eventually, they managed to get out of my room, and Blaire closed the door behind them.
“Do you want to get into bed?” Blaire asked, turning back to face me, and I shook my head.
“No, no, no, no. Just want sit. Just for little,” I muttered back, and Blaire nodded.
“I’m going to get you some water.”
Not waiting for another response, Blaire opened my bedroom door and walked into the hallway, closing the door again behind her,
leaving me alone in my quiet room. Spinning my chair around slowly, and regretting it instantly, I tried to focus my eyes on my computer.
In an effort to stop my room from spinning like a theme park ride in my mind, I tried to keep my eyes trained on my computer's background—something that wasn’t moving.
“Why you even on?” I asked the inanimate object as I tried to remember if I had turned it off or not. I thought I had, but right now, it was on and logged in.
As I sat staring at the screen, I could feel my heartbeat quicken as I thought about the video I’d made. The thought of deleting the video rushed through my mind again, however, as I stared at myself in the computer screen, my mind went blank.
-Seven-
Trying To Breathe
“Peter,” a soft voice called out to me. They had been talking for a little while now, but I could never make out what it was saying. As I slowly pulled my mind out of its groggy state, I started to piece it together.
“What?” I managed to mumble out, attempting to roll my head which caused a sharp pain to shoot through it.
“If you’re going to keep sleeping, I think you should get into bed.”
I knew the voice. I couldn’t quite place who it was, but I definitely knew that I knew them.
“No, no. I’ll go back to the party.”
“Pete, look at me.”
Groaning and generally making a big deal out of opening my eyes even more, I eventually was able to look at the person waking me up.
“Blaire?” I asked, once I finally got a good look at who was in front of me. “Why’s it so bright. And why does my head hurt so much?”
“Because it’s two in the afternoon on Saturday. And you have a hangover,” Blaire said with a smile, holding a glass of water in front of my face. “This isn’t the same one I got last night. I promise.”
“You got me water last night?” I asked groggily, lifting my head up and feeling something unstick from my head and slam back on my desk, where I had apparently been resting it.
“Jesus, Pete. Come on.” Blaire moved closer to me and grabbed my arms, making me moan and mumble.
It was if my body had lost all of its capabilities as Blaire slowly struggled to get me out of the chair I certainly didn’t remember falling asleep in and move me across the room, onto my bed. My head protested against the movement as well, feeling as though it would explode at any moment.
“Is everyone okay?” I asked, letting myself be lowered onto my bed and allowing my head to sink into my pillows.
“Okay is a vague word.” Blaire chuckled. “Everyone got home safely. Some may have regrets.”
“Please tell me you’re not talking about me.”
“No, no. You just passed out at your own computer desk.” I felt my bed sink slightly, and I opened my eyes a slit to see Blaire sitting next to me. “I mean, Andy kissing Carly…”
“Oh… yeah,” I muttered, thankful I hadn’t done anything stupid. “He was furious when she broke up with him,” I added, more so thinking out loud than answering Blaire.
“Should we tell him?” Blaire asked, repositioning herself on my bed and moving to lay beside me.
“Hopefully, he remembers. He usually has a pretty good memory after a big night like that.”
“How’s yours?”
“Pretty good. A bit fuzzy on the end of it, though.”
“Yeah. At least you’re not as bad as Leroy usually is.” Blaire laughed, and I followed suit before wincing at the pain in my head.
“You may not have Leroy’s bad memory, but you’ve definitely got the hangover part down.”
“Shut up.”
“You should be thankful. Hell, you could make-out with Leroy when he’s drinking, and he wouldn’t remember a thing!” Blaire exclaimed, and I groaned. “You’re lucky you only have a sore head.”
“Yeah…” my voice faltered slightly as my mind skipped at Blaire’s words.
Kissing Leroy wasn’t something that I wanted to be thinking about, especially now that I was starting to feel something for him. I didn’t want to make things weird or awkward, but not thinking about it wasn’t as easy as that. The alcohol that I had been drinking wouldn’t be helping, but even when I was sober, I couldn’t not think about him like that. He always seemed to play on my mind ever since Monday night when he smiled so brightly at me.
“Are you okay?” Blaire asked, and I could feel her eyes burning into me.
“No. Yeah. Why?” I managed to get out and was wondering if the alcohol was the reason for feeling this horrible or if it was the feelings for Leroy.
I had definitely drunk enough the night before to feel the way I did now. It felt as though I would never know what it was like to be healthy again. On the other hand, the growing feelings for Leroy and the constant lying I’d found myself doing was taking a toll on me.
It wasn’t just the terrible feeling that was hard about the lying, it was the fact that Blaire had terrific intuition. It was always as if she could see into my mind and feel my emotions. It was a little freaky and absolutely terrifying in situations like this.
“Peter,” she said my name slowly and rested her hand on my arm.
“Blaire,” I mimicked her, not wanting to get into a serious conversation at this time.
I knew that if she asked specific questions, I wouldn’t be able to dance around them. Not like I usually do.
“Something’s bothering you,” she stated bluntly, not taking her eyes off me, and while I wanted to look away, I found that I couldn’t.
“Blaire, I’m fine,” I tried to convince her, but she shook her head at me. The motion making my own head spin.
“You’re not. Something has been bothering you all week,” Blaire said knowingly, moving a little closer to me. “And not just this week, Pete. It always feels like you’re treading on ice. Like you’re trying not to make a wrong move. It’s like you’re afraid the ground beneath you is gonna shatter, and you’re going to fall.”
Blaire paused for a moment, and all I could do was stare at her. Yes, I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted it to be out there, even if only one person knew—because she wasn’t wrong. Every day, it felt as though I was trying to navigate over a thin sheet of ice. Every step I took could cause the ground beneath me to collapse, and I may not be able to recover from that. I may not be able to find my footing again.
“I don’t… Blaire, I just…” I had no idea what to say. Usually, I would find a way out of a conversation like this, but nothing was coming to me.
Damn hangover.
I was so tired. Pain was rippling through my brain, and my stomach was not sitting well. Not only that, but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had been trying to pretend I was someone I wasn’t for as long as I could remember. Always trying to keep things the same and not disappoint anyone. After a while, it becomes draining. It becomes a challenge. There comes a time when I don’t want to do it anymore. I was getting to that point.
“You know that you can talk to me, right?”
That was something that I had heard many times, from many different people. Everyone wanted to seem like they cared, but in actuality, very few people wanted to help. Very few people wanted to listen. But Blaire was different. She had always been different.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” The words fell out of my mouth before I had time to stop them. As soon as they dripped from my lips, my heart began to race, and it felt as though it was going to burst through my chest.
As I felt Blaire’s hand tighten on my arm, I closed my eyes to try and ease my mind and stomach, though it didn’t help. I could feel my stomach twisting itself into knots, and it suddenly seemed as though I couldn’t draw any air into my lungs. I opened my mouth a few times to speak, but each time I did, nothing came out.
After a few more moments, Blaire spoke.
“Pete…” was all she said, as she moved her hand to rest on my shoulder, and I closed my eyes tighter, unsure if I could hold myself to
gether for much longer.
With each passing moment, I got more and more anxious, and I could feel the fears wanting to form in the back of my eyes. In my mind, I had already decided to tell Blaire. It was just a matter of getting the words out of my mouth.
“Blaire, I don’t know how to do this,” I started, my voice shaking and cracking with each word, but feeling Blaire’s hand on my shoulder, and knowing that she cared, gave me the courage to continue. “There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve wanted to say it for a while now, but I could never figure out how, and I was afraid… afraid that it would change things.”
Blaire kept her hand on my shoulder as I paused and took a few deep breaths. Looking at her, I had no idea what she was thinking, but the one thing I could see was her patience with me. It was something that I had always admired. The way that she never rushed anyone or pushed them to do something they didn’t want to do. I felt that’s why I needed to tell her—why I could tell her.
Deep down, I knew that she would be okay with it. Deep down, I knew that she wouldn’t tell anyone else if I asked her not to. I didn’t want to keep living a lie. Making the video proved that. This was the next step, and I was as ready as I was ever going to be.
“I’m gay.”
The words seemed to falter, though I knew that they were heard, even as silence came to rest between us. Blaire hadn’t reacted at all when I told her, not right away at least. She continued to grip my shoulder tightly, and I felt her eyes on me.
“Oh, Pete,” she muttered and leant over me, pulling me into a hug.
As I felt her arms wrap around me, and gently lift me off the bed, I felt tears start to find their way out of my closed eyes and roll down my cheeks. This time, however, I didn’t try to stop them from falling.
Feeling the warmth of Blaire surrounding me was something I had become very used to since we had become friends, but there was something different about this hug.
I was no longer putting a barrier up between the two of us. I had finally let Blaire in and showed her a part of me no one else knew about, and I could feel it in the hug. I could feel the love she was emitting, and in the moments before she pulled away, it felt as though everything was going to be okay.