by Finn
“When is the audition?” I asked, breaking the silence that I had caused.
“It’s next month,” Bradly answered after a moment. “So, I have three weeks to freak-out over it.”
“You could just not freak-out over it?” I suggested, knowing that it was a stupid piece of advice.
“Wow, thank you so much for that wisdom,” Bradly drooled sarcastically, and I offered him a smile in return, before deciding to give him some better advice.
“I don’t know why I had to give you advice on whether you should do the audition, or why I’m helping you out now, but whatever.” I paused for a moment to recollect my thoughts because if I was honest, I had no clue what I was going to say, but I gave it my best shot anyway.
“I’ll say what I said before—the worst-case scenario is that you don’t get it. In which case, nothing changes. You’ll still be dancing, and you’ll still be here, and you can forget about it. The best-case, of course, is that you get the part, and the world will be filled with rainbows and a bunch of other happy crap.”
“I’m not really following what you’re trying to say…” Bradly interjected, looking a little confused by what I was saying. Though, I didn’t blame him. I was confusing myself, too.
“I’m saying—you need to stop worrying. Whatever happens, everything is going to turn out fine. You’re on a good path. Don’t ruin it by lighting it on fire.” I gave a thoughtful nod after I finished speaking as if it would help provide what I said more merit. Though, it was almost exactly the same as what I had told him before.
Bradly looked at me for a few moments before looking around my room again. I wasn’t too fond of seeing the people I care about worry, even if it was my brother who could occasionally be a massive asshole.
“Yeah… I know you’re right,” Bradly muttered, his eyes falling back on me as he stood up from my computer chair. “Uh, thanks. Night, Pete.”
Bradly gave me a nod and lingered for a moment, giving me a look as though he was waiting for me to say something. He looked at me the same way he had the morning after my birthday party.
It made me feel as though he knew something, but before I could say anything, he awkwardly made his way out of my room, closing the door behind him. Sighing to myself, I placed my pillow back on the bed and reached behind me, flicking the light switch. When we had first moved into the house, I’d had no idea why there was a second light switch in the corner of the room. But now I knew, and I was eternally grateful.
Shoving my face deeper into my pillows and curling up into a tight ball, I let the darkness of my room envelope me as I tried to settle my mind on Samuel. However, much to my dismay, my thoughts kept drifting, and before I knew it, I was falling asleep thinking about Leroy.
-Nine-
From Bad To Worse
“Pete,” a familiar voice carried me out of my sleep, and God I hated them for that.
“Go away,” I mumbled, digging my face further into my pillow.
“I need to talk to you.” Paying more attention to the voice, I realised it was Brad, which made me hate him even more.
“I’m going to rip your throat out. Let me sleep.”
“Pete, your alarm is going to go off in ten minutes, and I wanted to catch you before school.”
“Brad, ten minutes, means everything before school.”
“This is important,” Brad pressed, and I groaned.
“What do you want?”
“Get up and dressed and meet me downstairs.”
“Fine. Now get out of my room.”
After a few moments of silence, I heard Brad make his way out of my room. Weighing up my options for another minute, the thoughts of being a good brother and seeing what Brad wanted were too overpowering, and I flung my blankets off and rolled out of bed.
Soon, I was down in the kitchen, sitting on the middle island, eating my patented cheese on toast, and Brad was sitting on the other counter, avoiding eye contact.
“Oh, gee, I could have sworn someone woke me up for some Goddamn reason,” I said sarcastically, and Brad finally looked at me.
“Look, I don’t know what to say,” Brad said, before shaking his head. “No, I mean, I know what to say, I just don’t know how to say it.”
“Jesus Christ, Brad.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything at all,” Brad mumbled, and I almost flung myself across the kitchen to attack him.
“I swear to fucking God, if you woke me up ten minutes early for no reason, I’m going to rip your intestines out.”
“That’s a little graphic.”
“And you’re a little slag.”
“Okay, I’m just going to say it,” Brad said, taking a deep breath and finally looking at me, though continuing not to say anything.
“I’m seriously going to kill you,” I threatened, finishing off my breakfast and glaring at Brad, feeling more tired by the second.
“I saw,” Brad mumbled, which made me even more tired and confused.
“What?” I mumbled, struggling to keep my eyes open.
Moving closer to Brad, and rubbing my eyes in the hopes to wake myself up, my mind started to run his words through my mind. As they echoed in my mind, my heart began to beat faster as my brain began to focus on one particular thing.
“On Friday night,” Brad said, and I could feel my hand begin to shake as I clenched my jaw.
“Don’t say it,” I muttered, wishing I could get out of this situation. Hoping that I hadn’t done anything to get myself into it in the first place.
“I saw the video,” Brad said, jumping off the counter and closing the gap between us.
I could feel my heart almost bursting out of my chest, and my stomach falling to the floor. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
“How?” I managed to get out, feeling my hands shake.
“Your computer was on, the video was minimised, I know I shouldn’t have, Pete.”
“You haven’t… told anyone?” I asked nervously, trying to stop my brain from thinking of the worst possible scenario.
I was failing.
“What? No, Pete!” Brad said, quickly shaking his head, and I felt my heart steady for a moment, before the realisation that Brad had seen the video set back in.
“You weren’t supposed to see that,” I mumbled, stumbling into the seat next to the counter, keeping my eyes off Brad.
“I know, and I’ve spent the past few days thinking of telling you that I saw, but I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t want you to react like this.”
“Like what? Paranoid? Scared?”
“I thought it would be best if you knew that I know.”
“I didn’t want you to know!” I yelled, feeling my body shake as I found it harder and harder to keep myself composed. “I just wanted to be normal!”
“Pete, you are normal.” Brad got up from his seat and started moving toward me, but I stood up and walked away.
“No, Brad. Just… leave me alone.”
Pushing past Brad, he reached out to me, but I brushed his hand away, heading out of the kitchen.
“Pete!”
“What going on?” my mum’s voice came from the bottom of the stairs as I walked into the hallway and made my way toward the front door.
“Nothing. I’m going to school.”
Quickly grabbing my car keys from off the dresser that sat in the hallway, I reached the front door, walked outside, and soon I was sitting in my car, breathing heavily as I gripped the steering wheel.
My mind raced as I thought of the video, and I cursed at myself for making it.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!” I growled through clenched death, slamming my hand against the steering wheel and feeling a tear slide down my cheek.
Anger boiled in me. Anger at Brad, but also at myself. I knew I shouldn’t have acted how I had toward Brad, as it seemed as though he genuinely cared, but I couldn’t help it.
Doing all I could to calm myself down, I starte
d my car. Deciding that I couldn’t keep sitting in front of my house, I began the journey to pick up my friends. I tried to make it seem like nothing was wrong. I tried to act as normal as I could. I laughed at Andy’s jokes when he told them, and I smiled at Blaire when she got in the car. I nodded along with Leroy when he spoke about his soccer game and made a loud announcement when it was time to stop for coffee.
I tried.
“You seem to have been zoning out all morning, Pete. Are you alright?” Blaire had waited for me to park my car after we had arrived at school before pulling me aside, away from the growing crowd of students.
It was customary for me to drop my friends off right in front of the school before circling to find a place to park. Usually, Andy and Leroy also would have waited, but something told me that Blaire had made sure we could get some alone time.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lied, though, I had no idea why I lied and quickly corrected myself. “Well, no. I’m not good.”
“Oh?” Blaire questioned, looking around at the students passing us, and I replicated her, before speaking to her in a softer tone.
“I have a problem.”
“You saw?” Blaire's voice seemed to slide up an octave, just as my heartbeat almost broke through my rib cage, but Blaire continued before I had a chance to say anything. “I mean, I only just saw it, and Andy quickly rushed over to tell me it was only recently, and we’d be introduced at lunch. I’m sorry, Pete.”
“I’m sorry, what?” my mind was racing, mainly because I had no idea what Blaire was talking about, but if she thought it was a problem, it usually was.
“Leroy’s new girlfriend.”
My heart that was once beating as fast as the speed of light almost stopped dead, and it felt as though it had fallen into the pit of my stomach with enough force to smash through the ground.
“That… wasn’t… girlfriend?” I was struggling to get any words out as I lowered my voice even more and scanned the surrounding areas once again.
“Oh. You have a different problem. That was… okay, now I’m really sorry!” Blaire scrambled to get her words out as I took in the panicked look on her face
“No, it’s fine. Leroy has a girlfriend. It was bound to happen at some point. So, it’s fine. I don’t care. They kissed, didn’t they? That’s what you saw?”
“Pete—"
“No, I don’t care. I don’t want to know. I have a bigger problem.”
My heartbeat was slowly starting to get back to normal, though my mind was still going wild, and I couldn’t get the image of Leroy and some mystery girl out of my head. Though every time I pushed it away, the thought of Brad seeing the video raced back into my mind.
Would he tell my parents? He had said he didn’t tell anyone, but he could, right?
“I’m all ears!” I could still see the apologetic look in Blaire’s eyes. It was as though she was trying to scream that she was sorry but didn’t know how to convey it accurately. But it didn’t matter. Leroy didn’t matter. I had bigger problems.
“Well, you know… I’m gay,” the words shook as they came out of my mouth, as I still wasn’t used to saying them yet. It was a side effect of still trying to learn how to accept myself.
“Yes, Pete, I know that part,” Blaire joked, obviously trying her hardest to make the situation less tense and awkward, though it wasn’t working.
“Okay, so I… before I came out to you… I did something.”
My voice was becoming quieter and quieter, and I found myself grabbing Blaire gently and moving her even further away from the other students. Giving my surroundings one more look over and catching a glimpse of Andy eyeing us off before heading into the school, I continued.
“I made a video. A coming out video sort of thing. It was something to help me come to terms with who I am. It’s stupid, I know—”
“It’s not stupid, Pete,” Blaire quietly interjected, and I gave her a soft smile.
“Thanks, but it is. Well, it was. And, well, I thought my computer was safe, but I must’ve left it open.”
“Is this going where I think it’s going?” Blaire asked, though I could tell that the look on my face told her it was going exactly where she was thinking.
“Brad saw it. I thought I closed it, but I guess I didn’t, and he saw it.”
“What? When?”
“It’s so stupid, and I’m such a fucking idiot. He said he saw it when he was setting up for the party.”
“Why—" Blaire began to ask, but I cut her off almost instantly.
“Because I’m a fucking idiot!” I repeated slightly louder and was glad that the other students had all but disappeared.
“Okay, okay… okay… okay,” Blaire mumbled over and over, as I could start to feel my heartbeat speed up again.
“I don’t know what to do, Blaire. I’m not ready to come out to anyone else yet, especially my family. Hell, I wasn’t even ready to come out to myself. I can’t… I can’t breathe.”
It became very apparent to me extremely quickly that I was starting to have a panic attack. I knew that it would happen at some point, but I still wasn’t prepared for it.
“Pete, are you okay?” Blaire asked, placing her hand on my shoulder as I began to shake, and my airway started to feel more restricted.
“No,” I managed to choke out while shaking my head and quickly moving over to a nearby wall and latching onto it for dear life.
My head was spinning as I tried to level out my breathing, but with each breath out, I felt as though I needed to take five breaths in. I pushed my back against the wall and felt myself slide down it, knowing that it probably wasn’t the best thing I could do, but I didn’t care.
Blaire was still beside me with her hand resting on my shoulder, freaking out and not knowing what to do. I could hear her muttering, “breathe, breathe, Pete,” though it wasn’t doing me much good, as I sat on the ground, feeling as though I was about to pass out. It felt like no air was getting into my lungs, no matter how much I gasped for it.
Every thought in my mind was focusing on the bad things. The video that Brad had seen showed him who I truly was. It showed the part of me I tried to keep hidden because I was afraid. Yes, I wanted to be out. I wanted not to care and just be myself, but what if there was a cost to that? What if it cost me everything? That seemed like the absolute worst-case scenario, but they were the thoughts my mind was trained on.
“What can I do?” Blaire’s soft voice sidled into my ear and managed to pull me out of my thoughts as I continued to fight to even out my breathing and lower my heart rate.
“I don’t know,” I managed to choke out, and my thoughts landed on Leroy.
His radiant face and the happiness he emitted. His smile that seemed to engulf his surroundings and cast everyone in his light. His eyes that always seemed to shine bright, even when he was feeling down. My mind rested on the thought and the image of him, and I could feel my breathing begin to level out. My heartbeat started to slow, and my head stopped spinning. I had no idea why I had started getting these feelings for Leroy, but in a moment like this, I was glad I had him.
“Pete?” Blaire whispered, and I could still feel her hand on my shoulder as I looked up into her eyes.
“I’m okay,” I murmured back, knowing that I wasn’t okay. The good thing was—I was no longer having a panic attack.
“We should head in.” Blaire looked up at the school, and I followed her gaze, seeing the last few students making their way into the school.
“Yeah…” I trailed off as I gave Blaire a soft smile before pulling myself off the ground.
Shooting Blaire one more smile, we both made our way to the front of the school and walked inside.
*
It took most of the morning for me to calm down completely. Well, to calm down as much as I could in the situation—I was in one hell of a situation. The worst part of it was, I could have prevented it all if I wasn’t such an idiot. I had no one else to blame but myself.
&n
bsp; As the morning wore on, I finally heard the bell ring for lunch and stepped out into the hallway and began my search for Blaire. Usually, I would try to find Andy and Leroy as well, but from what Blaire had told me in the morning, I wanted to put the inevitable off for as long as possible. I even managed to avoid both Andy and Leroy in the halls in-between classes and didn’t look around the classroom when I was in maths. I didn’t want to catch a glimpse of Leroy. The thought of him may have helped with my panic attack, but I could bring myself to look him in the face.
“Watch it, Pete!” Donny’s sharp voice ripped into my ear, right before a towering figure knocked into my shoulder.
“Oh, yeah. ‘Cause there’s definitely no room to walk around me, is there?” I called after him and watched him turn around and begin walking backward, before yelling back.
“Sorry, I don’t listen to dipshits!”
“How clever,” I mumbled before making my way down the hall along with the rest of the students.
“He really holds a grudge, hey?” a deep voice came from beside me, and I turned to see who was speaking. I recognised him straight away as Mitchell. We had talked before but only briefly.
“You know about the thing with his sister?” I asked with a raised eyebrow, and he let out a small chuckle.
“Most people do. The day after you rejected her, he went off and pretty much told everyone you were dirt.”
“Gee, I’m glad only a few people gave a damn.”
“Yeah, it could be worse.” Mitchell laughed. “It could have been because you were a fag.”
It felt as though the world around me stopped at Mitchell’s words, and I did my best not to show how much they stung. The fear I felt about coming out became solidified as Mithcell’s voice echoed in my mind.
“Anyway, I gotta go. See ya around, Pete!” Mitchell shot me a smile before pulling away from me.
Giving him a small wave and a forceful smile, I watched him disappear into a crowd of students heading to have lunch. Still trying to get my thoughts straight again, I scanned the hall for Blaire who I spotted waiting for me near the exit.