by Finn
“Because you’re my best friend, and I’m a nice guy,” Leroy said quickly, shuffling on the spot, causing him to move even closer. “I think I need a bigger bed.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to catch any of your diseases,” I joked, and Leroy snickered.
“Have you looked at the room you’re sitting in? I’m the cleanest person you’ll ever meet.”
“On the outside, maybe. But I know how dirty your mind is.”
“How dare you! My pure, virgin mind shall never be tainted!”
“The poster on your wall says otherwise,” I pointed out, stealing a glance at the woman in the bikini, and a faint blush graced Leroy’s face.
“I genuinely thought that was how nuns looked,” Leroy said, tilting his head and shrugging.
“You thought nuns walked around half-naked?” I questioned with a chuckle.
“Yes. Then again, I’ve never seen one, so I could be wrong.”
“You are. You are very, very wrong.” I laughed, and Leroy joined in.
“Anyway, we should probably get this done,” Leroy said after we had recomposed ourselves. “It is due tomorrow.”
“I guess so,” I muttered. “But when we’re done, I am not studying.”
“Okay, okay. Deal.” Leroy smiled, and so did I as we began working on our homework together.
I had no idea how long we had been doing homework for, and even though it felt like an eternity, I knew it couldn’t have been longer than a few hours. Who knew math’s homework could take so long? Perhaps it was because I was barely paying attention to what I was doing, continually asking Leroy for help. Every time he leant over to see what I was having problems with, I would take in all of the details of his face and the sweet scent that followed him.
The constant stopping and starting was most definitely the reason for the homework taking so long to complete, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop myself from being enamoured by Leroy and everything he did. I hated myself for it, but at this moment, sitting alone with him, I decided to give in to who I was and let myself have a small moment of pretending I had everything that I wanted.
“Are you finished?” Leroy asked suddenly, throwing his books aside, and leaning back.
Our knees were still touching, though mine were beginning to ache.
“I’ve just got one more,” I said quietly, looking down at my homework, random drawings scattered all over it.
“That’s, like, the easiest one,” Leroy muttered with a smile, leaning over to look at my work.
“To a nerd, maybe,” I whispered back, and I looked at Leroy’s hair dangling in front of me.
Slowly, Leroy looked up at me, and my heart jumped into my throat as I noticed how close our faces were. I could see the light glisten in his eyes and the slight moisture on his lips that almost dragged me closer.
No, it was dragging me closer. I could feel myself leaning toward Leroy, and I couldn’t seem to stop myself. The aching in my knees and back from sitting with crossed legs for so long seemingly vanished, as my lips inched closer and closer to Leroy’s. I wanted to stop. I needed to. But my mind had gone blank, and all I could think about was locking my lips with Leroy’s.
My heartbeat quickened with each passing second and my brain began playing tricks on me as I could have sworn Leroy was leaning closer to me, too. I needed to gain control of myself again before it was too late, but I couldn’t, and in a matter of moments, my whole life could change. In less than a few centimetres, my lips would find their place on Leroy’s.
BANG!
Leroy’s door flew open and slammed into the wall, causing Leroy and I to jump to either side of the bed. My head snapped around to his bedroom door, and I saw that the doorknob has smashed through the plaster that had once been used to repair the wall.
My eyes drifted from the hole and rested on the large man who towered in the doorway. His fluorescent jacket covered in dirt matched his navy pants and work boots. His rugged face contorted in rage as he looked down on Leroy, who I could see cowering in the corner of my eye.
“How many fucking times do I have to tell you to leave the fucking door open!” The man’s voice boomed around the room, and I saw Leroy shrink even further back.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” Leroy managed to get out, his voice weak.
Turning to look at him, I saw that his face no longer held any happiness or its usual light. All that remained was fear, and I was starting to feel it, too.
“And who the fuck are you?” Leroy’s dad shouted at me, and I swivelled my head back around to look at him, my eyes wide.
“I-I’m Peter, sir,” I mumbled, unsure if my politeness would get me anywhere. “Leroy’s friend.”
“Well, I suggest you get the fuck out of my house and stay away from my son.”
Leroy’s dad’s voice drilled into my head, and I stole a glance at Leroy, who just nodded at me while keeping his eyes on his lap. If I could, I would take him with me, but I had a feeling his father wouldn’t let that happen.
Without risking another look at his father, I gave Leroy one last smile, though I doubt he saw. Quickly picking up my things, I slid off Leroy’s bed and made my way across his room, stopping in front of his father, who didn’t move.
“I’m serious. Don’t go near my son again. People like you are fucking pathetic.”
Moving to the left, Leroy’s dad allowed me the smallest gap to walk through as an exit. With my heart pounding and mind racing, I squeezed by and quickly began making my way down the hall.
‘People like you.’
What the hell did he mean by that? He couldn’t know I was gay. That was impossible. I had never met him before.
Clenching my fists and trying to block out the yelling and slamming coming from the end of the house, I made my way outside, Leroy’s dad’s words still playing over in my mind, having no idea what they meant.
I did, however, know one thing for sure, and that was why Leroy had been staying at Andy’s. Sadly, though, I thought there was a lot more happening than what I saw. As I walked toward my car, I could still hear the raised voices coming from the house, and my heart shuddered at the thought of what was happening.
-Twelve-
A Small Push
My heart continued to thump wildly in my chest, and I could hear the blood pumping in my ears all the way until I pulled into my house’s driveway. The humming of the radio was barely noticeable as I thought back to Leroy’s house and the scene that had unfolded.
The booming sound of Leroy’s dad’s voice echoed around the room, filled with a wave of anger, unlike any I had heard before. The way Leroy trembled and shrunk away from his father. Away from me. I had never seen Leroy look that scared before—or anyone look that scared, for that matter.
Why had he been so angry? Did he see what I almost did? Did he see me leaning in?
The questions kept circling my head as I continued to sit in my car, staring toward my house, and I thought back to the moments leading up to Leroy’s dad coming home. The kiss that I had almost shared with Leroy. The one that would have been the biggest mistake of my life. Perhaps it already was.
Maybe I hadn’t pulled away in time, and his dad saw. While I hated to think about it, it would explain the words directed at me, and even the anger.
I had no idea why I’d kept leaning in, and why the hell would I even think Leroy was leaning in, too? He’s straight and in a relationship with Grace. He was happy, and I almost ruined everything. As much as I hated to say it, I was glad his dad had come in when he had, which made me loathe myself even more. How could I be glad about what had happened? About what was, no doubt, still happening.
Though I had no idea why he would be so angry at Leroy. He hadn’t done anything. It was all me.
“I’m a horrible fucking person,” I mumbled to myself, slamming my hand on my car’s steering wheel, before shutting the engine off.
With many questions still rattling around in my head, I grabbed my bag and got out of my ca
r, and began slowly walking toward my house, playing the afternoon over in my head.
While it had taken forever for it to be over, I couldn’t help but want to go back. Back to before Leroy’s dad came home. Before we had almost kissed. When everything was perfect. When I was right where I wanted to be.
Sighing to myself, I reached my front door and opened it, stepping into the entrance hall of my home and closing the door behind me, unsure of what to do. I knew dinner was still going to be another hour or so, but I didn’t want to be alone in my room like I usually was. Part of me wanted to call Andy or Blaire, but was that fair on Leroy? What if they didn’t know what was happening? It wasn’t my place to tell them.
Even if I did ring Blaire and only told her about the kiss I had almost shared with Leroy, I knew that would only cause more questions which would no doubt lead to the entrance of Leroy’s father.
The thought to call Leroy also crossed my mind, but I knew that was a bad idea before I even finished the thought. God knows I would only make things worse.
Groaning to myself, I made my way to the end of the hall and up the stairs, trying to stop my brain from replaying the screams of Leroy’s father as I’d left his house. Maybe if Leroy had known who I was, this wouldn’t have happened. Then again, maybe being me was the reason this had happened as I thought back to Leroy’s father's words.
‘People like you are fucking pathetic.’
He had to have seen me leaning in to kiss Leroy. There was no other explanation as to why he would say that.
The words resonated with me, and I couldn’t help but feel dread. I was tired of hiding who I was, and I knew that being myself would be a great weight off my shoulders if my telling Blaire had been any indication, but it could also be the worst decision I make.
Maybe Leroy’s dad was right. Maybe I was pathetic.
“Cat-man!” Brad’s voice came from down the hall of the second story, and I looked to see him standing outside his room.
“And the birds!” I called back, doing awkward peace signs above my head as I walked toward him.
My voice sounded half-hearted as it came out, and Brad must’ve heard it in my tone. Usually, our random shouts at each other had much more emotion in them, but mine was clearly lacking today.
“That was, uh-uh, hor-able,” Brad said disjointedly, flailing his arms in front of his face in a dab-like motion.
“Yeah, I’m not feeling it today,” I mumbled, reaching my room and walking in, closing my door behind me.
Well, trying to. Just before the door clicked shut, it swung open again, and Brad walked in behind me.
“You’re the biggest idiot I know, bitch-tits. Your whole thing is stupidity.”
“Yeah, well, not today. Just get out of my room,” I mumbled, throwing my bag beside my bed, and falling onto the mattress.
“Wait, no. I’ve missed teasing you. And punching you,” Brad whined, and I heard his heavy footsteps approach me. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
I felt Brad’s fist ram into the side of my thigh before my bed sunk beside me and pain bulged in my leg.
“What the fuck?!” I rolled over onto my back and sat up, grabbing where Brad had punched.
“I should clarify, that wasn’t because you’re gay. I, honest to God, don’t care one bit about that.”
“Then why the fuck did you punch me?”
“Just got the urge,” Brad smirked as I glared at him, and I groaned at the pain in my leg.
“You’re such an asshole.”
“What is your problem? You’re not usually this shitted when I hit you.”
“Why do you care? Shouldn’t you be freaking out about your stupid dancing crap?” I asked, pulling my legs onto my bed and moving back to lean on the wall.
“Ah, I’m so glad my caring, supportive brother stuck around,” Brad joked, and I rolled my eyes.
“I could say the same,” I retorted, grabbing one of my pillows and hugging it to my chest.
It may not have been my ideal situation, but at least I wasn’t alone. Plus, I could be myself around Brad. I think. He did know who I was, and he said he didn’t care, but this was my brother. Someone who punches me for no apparent reason, so, God knows what he would do.
“Come on, talk. You know that sometimes I can be—”
“Not an asshole?” I finished, and Brad nodded with a smile.
“‘Tis on the money, my gay squire.”
“Can you maybe keep your voice down?” I asked, feeling heat rush to my cheeks.
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just we haven’t spoken much since I told you I knew,” Brad said sheepishly, rustling his own hair.
“I wonder why,” I muttered, and Brad punched my leg again. “Ow!”
“I told you I don’t care. Stop being a bitch.”
“Fuck you.”
“Are you going to tell me what happened?”
“Nothing!” I said forcefully, knowing my words were not believable.
I knew what Brad was trying to do. Catch me off guard so I would let slip what was on my mind, but did I really want him to know? I could only imagine how much teasing I would get from him if I told him about what had almost happened with Leroy. And I had no idea what Brad would make of what had happened with Leroy’s father.
“You’re so whiny!” Brad laughed, going to hit my leg again, though I tried to deflect it and he hit the bone in my wrist.
“Mother of a fuck!” I squealed, holding my wrist before deciding against my better judgement. “I almost kissed Leroy.”
I needed to tell someone. Besides, he doesn’t need to know everything.
“One of your best friends?” Brad asked, raising his eyebrows at me, and my cheeks heated up even more.
“Yes,” I mumbled, holding my pillow to my chest even tighter.
“I didn’t picture him as gay.”
“He isn’t.”
“Then why would you try to kiss him?”
“That’s the problem!” I moaned, letting my face fall into the pillow I was holding, and I heard Brad let out a laugh.
“Don’t tell me you have a crush on him?”
“Shut up!” My face continued to grow more heated as I stuffed it further into my pillow.
“Why couldn’t it be someone I actually liked? All of your friends are weird,” Brad wondered aloud, and I threw my leg out to kick him, though missed completely.
“This isn’t a joke.”
“Is that where you were this afternoon?” Brad asked, and I lifted my head to look at him, nodding. “Wait, does he know?”
“No.”
“Was that going to be your way of telling him? Because, honestly, that would be stupider than that time you forgot your birthday.”
“That was you—fuck off!”
“Are you planning on telling?” Brad pressed, ignoring me, and I sighed.
“I don’t know. I want to just be out. Get it over with, but I don’t know.”
Taking a moment to let my mind calm down, I noticed my breathing had become rapid. Fuck it. I’ve come this far—I may as well keep going.
“I’m scared, Brad. I’ve been scared for so long. I’ve been petrified to say the wrong thing. To show who I am, because I’ve heard the stories. I’ve seen what can happen to people like me. How could I know that wasn’t going to be me? That is isn’t going to be me?”
“I’d never let anything like that happen, Pete—" Brad started, but I cut him off.
I could see that my words had caused him to think of the stories we’d seen on the news. I could see the slight fear in his eyes.
“It’s not up to you, Brad. If it’s gonna happen, it’ll happen, and there’ll be nothing you can do. That’s what scares me. I’ll be alone. Whatever comes, I’ll have to face it alone.”
“You can’t think that I would let you face anything alone, Pete. Or your friends would let you face it alone. You have people who care about you. Who love you, Pete. You have people who will do anything for you. And, yes, I kno
w I can be a fuck sometimes, but I’m your older brother, and I’m going to be there for you if you need me.”
Brad reached out to me, his hand gripped my shoulder, and I shook my head, letting a few tears roll down my face. The words of Leroy’s father still echoing in mind. He may not have known I was gay, but the words still stung. The ring of truth around the words and the thought that others would say the same after finding out was haunting.
“It just… It felt like, for the longest time, I couldn’t breathe. Like I was drowning, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t find the surface. My head was underwater for so long that I forgot which way up was. And finally, I found it. Finally, I was able to breathe again. But now… it feels like I’m drowning all over again. And I don’t know what to do. It feels like I’m the one forcing it back under.”
Bradly’s grip tightened on my shoulder, and as I looked back in his eyes, I could see he was worried about me. The concern in his eyes, for whatever reason, calmed me. Knowing that someone in my family had my back, was more than knowing a friend had it.
“I’m sorry, Pete.”
“Brad, don’t—" I started, but my brother cut me off, shaking his head as he did so.
“No. I’ve… I know there have been times where I would’ve made it hard for you. To come out or accept yourself. I know that, and I’m sorry.”
“Brad, you didn’t know—"
“It doesn’t matter. I just feel… I could have been better. Recently, you’ve been a real brother to me. Yeah, you’ve been a dick and shit, but you have no idea how much you’ve helped me, and it feels like I haven’t done the same for you.
“I never asked, Pete. I never asked how you were or what was going on. I… I didn’t know you were suffocating. It was happening right in front of me, and I didn’t even notice. I didn’t even try to notice.”
Silence fell between us and Brad’s words hung in the air. As I stared at him, I couldn’t help a small smile from creeping on my face. As Brad stared back at me, he shook his head and let out a soft chuckle.
It was an odd feeling, getting everything out in the open. Having someone I could confide in was something I had wanted for a long time. Sure, I had told Blaire I was gay and about my crush on Leroy, but she didn’t know the fear I felt. The horror of what I thought could happen.