by Finn
I was scared of what was to come. What he would think of me or if he would ever talk to me again. I hadn’t even been able to work up the courage to message Andy. Knowing that he didn’t care that I was gay helped put my mind at ease, and him talking to Leroy helped, too. Whether it would make Leroy come around was anyone’s guess, however.
I wish I knew what was going on in his mind.
On top of that, I was scared of what I was going to face at school and at home. I hadn’t heard from my parents since Saturday, and I had no idea what they thought about me. I could stop myself from thinking that I would never be able to walk into my childhood home again and have it feel just like that. A home.
So, to answer Blaire’s question, “I have no fucking idea.”
“Have you been on the school's social wall since…?” Blaire asked, trailing off.
“No.”
Why would I? I didn’t want to see what people were saying about me, and as my mind drifted to Leroy and Mitchell, I realised I already knew what some of them thought.
“Hold on.” Blaire wiggled around for a moment before she jumped up from her bed and grabbed her laptop from the small desk and brought it back, resting herself next to me.
“Blaire, I don’t want—”
“No, shut up,” Blaire insisted and waited for the laptop to load up, all while my heart was beating a thousand miles an hour, smashing against my rib cage.
I didn’t want to see what people were saying, but maybe it was for the best. Perhaps it would prepare me for what would happen tomorrow. I highly doubted it, but I could have hope. The best-case scenario was that I went through school tomorrow, and it would be like nothing had happened. Going from what had happened when I was there this morning, though, I wasn’t so sure.
“Just going to turn ‘auto-play’ off, ‘cause I’m sure you don’t want to watch the video again.” Blaire’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts, and I looked at the laptop screen.
“Thank you—wait,” I started, but stopped myself as I watched Blaire scroll through our school's social wall.
Post after post, I saw my video show up, with only a few random posts in between, and as Blaire continued through the wall, it kept showing up. Over and over again.
“Why are there so many?” I asked, my heart threatening to break through my rib cage.
“Hold on. I wanna start from the start. Give me a sec.” Blaire waved my question off, and I could hear my breathing getting heavier.
Why the hell was I freaking out so much? Other than the apparent reasons of everyone hating me and making fun of me—oh, no, they were good enough reasons to freak out.
“Okay, here,” Blaire said suddenly, and I focused my attention on the screen in front of her.
“‘Peter Stone posted a video’,” I read aloud, staring right into my own eyes that looked back at me from the screen. Fear present in them, and my stomach dropped at the sight. “Yeah, ‘cause I’m a fucking idiot.”
“You’re not. It was just… under circumstances that could have been avoided,” Blaire stated, and I nodded.
“Yeah. Not saying that was your fault or anything,” I mumbled with a chuckle, still trying to get my heartbeat in check.
“Well, I wouldn’t say it was me entirely.”
“You said me and Leroy were doing stuff. I thought he told you about the kiss! I thought they both knew!”
“Pete, I don’t even think Leroy knows about the kiss you almost shared,” Blaire said, smiling at me and I shook my head.
“Well, it’s done, so,” I muttered as Blaire began to scroll back up the timeline.
One after the other, people had been reposting my video with different captions, and as I read each one, I felt myself trying not to shed a tear.
I’m so proud of you, Pete!
I never knew! Pete, I’m so happy for you!
You go, Pete!
Be loud and proud, man!
Each one Blaire scrolled past made my stomach flip, but unlike the usual feeling of dread and sadness I got when it had done it before, it was replaced with happiness and relief.
“This isn’t even the best part,” Blaire stated, smiling wide, clearly happy with herself.
“Why didn’t anyone say anything this morning?” I asked, completely shocked by the response the video had got. The reaction that I had got.
“Well, they did. You just left. You had people worried. The whole day, whispers were running around the school filled with concern.” Blaire stopped scrolling through the timeline for a moment and looked at me. “No one could understand what you were going through, and I think they wanted to give you space. Then you left…”
“Clearly not everyone, though,” I whispered, thinking of Mitchell and no doubt the other’s he hung around with.
I was trying not to lump Leroy in with them as I was doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was hard. My mind kept wanting to drift to him. The boy I had found myself falling for. The boy I’d give anything to have by my side.
“Look, Mitchell is a fuck, and I gave him a piece of my mind when you left. Donny, too, which surprised me,” Blaire added, and I knotted my eyebrows.
It had also surprised me when Donny had stood up for me in the hallway this morning, and hearing that he did more after I left made me feel… weird.
Shaking him out of my head, I sighed, and watched more posts with the video of me slip past on the timeline. All of them had supportive comments, and I couldn’t stop a smile from creeping on my face, nor stop a few tears from trickling down my cheeks.
“Oh, Pete, don’t cry,” Blaire whispered, pulling me into a hug. “You’ll make me cry.”
“I’m not going to be alone. Or an outcast,” I managed to get out while leaning further into Blaire’s embrace.
“You were never going to be alone, Pete. You know Trent?” Blaire asked, and I nodded. “He came up to me today and told me to thank you. He came out to his friends because of you.”
“Really?” I asked, dumbfounded, and Blaire hummed.
“And I’m sure he isn’t the only one. You did that, Pete. You gave him courage. Probably others, too.”
“I don’t…” I trailed off, and Blaire gave me a small shove.
“Don’t overthink this. Just know you’re not alone.”
Blaire pulled me in for another hug, but this time, I just sat limply in her arms, moving my hand over to the mouse pad and continuing to scroll through myself.
“Thank you for showing me,” I whispered, and I felt Blaire tighten her grip.
“What are friends for?” I felt her body move beside me as she let out a chuckle.
Continuing to look at the school’s social wall, I felt the worries that I had start to slip away. Sure, there was still a lot of uncertainty inside me, but there was one thing off my mind, and it was as though a weight had been lifted off me.
I felt relieved. Everything I had seen on the school social wall had made me realise that I wasn’t alone. That I didn’t have to be fearful of going back to school. I could deal with a few assholes, as long as I had others by my side. I just hoped that Leroy would be one of those people by my side.
I hoped that I hadn’t lost one of my closest friends.
-Seventeen-
Holding On To Who I Am
Time slowly went by as Blaire and I continued to hold each other. The laptop screen had long been asleep as we both bathed in the silence that overtook us. There wasn’t much else to say after what I had seen, not that anything more needed to be said. The words of encouragement from my peers online had definitely done what they were intended to do. Though, I still couldn’t help but feel alone.
I was in the arms of one of my best friends and had the supportive words of those at school still circling my head, so why did I feel like this? Why was I only focusing on the one person who turned away from me?
With my mind settling down on the thought of Leroy, I felt my phone begin to vibrate in my pocket, and I shifted out of
Blaire’s arms to grab it. Blaire moved around to give me some space as I looked at who was calling.
“It’s Andy,” I said, looking at Blaire who gestured at me to answer it.
I felt my heart start to beat faster as I moved the phone to my ear.
“Butter Sliced Banana Bread,” Andy said immediately, and with that random assortment of words, my heart settled down.
Nothing had changed.
“Ferocious Finger Sticks,” I said back with a smile, and I saw Blaire roll her eyes.
“Are you doing, alright? I was hoping to catch you in homeroom, but Blaire said you left school.”
“I’m okay. I just… had to take some time, you know?”
“Totally. I’m just glad you’re okay.” Andy’s voice was laced with sincerity, which calmed me even more.
“Me, too. I looked on the school’s social wall, and I noticed you hadn’t posted anything,” I joked, and I heard Andy chuckle.
“I was saving it all for in person.”
“Well, tomorrow morning then?” I asked, not able to keep the tinge of hope out of my voice.
“Yeah, of course. Just… You don’t need to pick me or Leroy up. I’ll tell you how proud I am at school.”
My stomach dropped at Andy’s words, but I did my best not to miss a beat.
“Yeah, yeah. No problem,” I said, forcing a smile.
“Pete, you can’t take what Leroy did to heart. I’m working it out.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Why the fuck would I say that? He should definitely worry about it. I sure as hell was. I wanted to talk to him and ask him what was wrong. I mean, I had a feeling it was because I’d leant in to kiss him, but he hadn’t made any indication that he’d seen me leaning in on the afternoon it’d happened.
I wouldn’t even know what to say to him if I did see him. Should I apologise? But I hadn’t done anything wrong. Right? No, I had. This was me—I couldn’t blame anyone else.
The thoughts of what to do continued to roll over in my mind as I heard Andy ramble about Leroy and that he was going through some things, which I already knew. I had seen it. I’d added to it. Nothing quite like your gay best friend making a move on you and having your father yell at you for something you didn’t do.
“Can I talk to Blaire for a second?” Andy’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I looked over at Blaire, who was already staring at me.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I said, moving the phone away from my ear and holding it out for Blaire. “Andy wants to talk to you.”
Blaire raised her eyebrows as she took the phone.
“Yeah?” Blaire said, before nodding along to whatever Andy was saying. “Alright. Be right back, Pete.”
Blaire shuffled to the side of the bed and stood up, as I hummed in acknowledgment. Watching Blaire walk out of her room, I let my thoughts run wild again and laid down on Blaire’s bed, looking up at the ceiling fan. It was turned on, but it was doing nothing to help cool me down in Blaire’s surprisingly hot bedroom.
“Holy fuck! I know it’s November, but Jesus. Why is it so hot in here?” Jordan’s voice startled me, and I quickly sat up to look at him, studying his face as he scrunched his nose up at the mess on Blaire’s floor.
“Don’t pull that face, I’m sure your room is worse,” I mocked, laying back down again. Ignoring the eye roll, he sent my way.
“My room is impeccable compared to this… war zone.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure.”
“Hundred bucks it is,” Jordan challenge, piquing my interest and causing me to sit up again.
“You don’t have a hundred dollars,” I stated, unsure of what game he was playing.
“I mean if you don’t want to take the bet, that’s fine. Don’t come and be proven wrong.”
Crap. That was my weakness. You can’t get me interested in something and then expect me to drop it. I needed to see it through.
Plus, I hoped it would keep my mind from going wild.
“You just want to get me into your bedroom,” I muttered, pushing myself up from the bed and following Jordan, who had begun walking down the narrow hall.
“I want to show you something.”
“It better not be a dead mouse. I hate dead things.”
“Why would I show you a dead mouse?” Jordan asked, opening the door he had stopped in front of and gesturing me inside.
“I don’t know. I’ve known this family for a while now. You all do weird shit.” I chuckled, walking inside.
Much like Blaire’s room and the rest of the house, Jordan’s room was small, though unlike Blaire’s, it didn’t have a desk or bedside table. It was almost all bed. Just one giant bed placed in the far corner that took up most of the room, leaving only enough space to access the cupboard that ran along the left side of the room.
“That’s fair. But I’m the less weird one,” Jordan confessed, before sitting on the edge of his bed.
“This bet was unfair. I didn’t know your room was just four walls and a bed.”
“Well, I told you I was confident.” Jordan smiled at me and patted the bed next to him, inviting me to sit.
Cautiously, I made my way beside him, resting myself on the spot next to him. I had never been this close to him before, and truth be told, it was weird. He was much bigger than me—not so much in height, but in muscle mass. His shoulders were broad, and his arms looked as though they could lift a horse. Knowing Jordan, he had probably tried to do that.
“I’m not saying that this is creepy or anything. But can you show me what you wanted to show me so that I can leave because this is really creepy,” I said with a chuckle, and Jordan smiled at me again.
“First of all, how was school?”
“Why do you ask?” I questioned, moving back on the bed slightly, away from Jordan.
“Well, it was your first day as an openly gay kid. Just wanted to make sure everything went good.”
“Thanks for the concern, I think?” I forced a smile. Yes, I was thankful that someone cared about my first day at school as an openly gay kid, but I would have thought it was going to be Bradly or Blaire. Not Jordan, of all people.
“So?” Jordan pushed, raising his eyebrows, and only then did I notice how neat and tidy they were.
“I didn’t go. Well… I didn’t stay,” I replied truthfully, still looking at his eyebrows, wondering if they had been done professionally.
“Yes, they have been,” Jordan stated, as he caught me staring, causing me to look away quickly.
“Oh, cool. I didn’t know you were into that,” I mumbled, unsure of what to say. I mean, it was no big deal that Jordan got his eyebrows done, I had just never known a straight guy to do it.
“I’m not really, but my boyfriend needed the practice for his job.”
Jordan’s words hung in the air as we both sat in the new-found silence of his room, and it was only then that I realised how quiet and peaceful it was. Which was very weird and made me wonder what Blaire’s other three brothers were doing.
“You’re gay?” I asked slowly, unsure if I had heard him correctly or not.
“Yes,” Jordan answered with a bright smile. “That’s what I wanted to show you.”
“Wait, how were you going to show me you were gay?” I questioned, moving further away from Jordan as my heartbeat quickened and my stomach began to wind its way around itself again.
“Jesus, Pete!” Jordan began to laugh and only after a few moments was he able to recompose himself again. “I have a boyfriend. Get your mind out of whatever crevasse it’s in!”
“What? No! I just… It wasn’t in a crevasse!” I defended, trying to bring my mind on track.
I wouldn’t admit it to Jordan, but my mind had jumped to a very graphic image that I wish it hadn’t.
“I can see why you and Blaire get on so well. I’ve had to endure her talking about guys in detail for a very long time. It’s… disturbing sometimes.” Jordan shivered, clearly thinking about something Blaire had
said, and I could only imagine what it could be.
“Yeah, she can get very… graphic sometimes.”
“Extremely,” Jordan agreed, before studying me, making me feel self-conscious.
“Do I have something on my face?” I asked, pulling even further away from Blaire’s brother.
“No, no. I just didn’t realise how cute you were until now. You’ll be having all the boys tripping over you soon.” Jordan shot me another gleaming smile, and I could feel my face flush red.
I had never considered myself cute, or anything even remotely close to that, but now the epitome of a hot jock was calling me cute?
“I’m not… uh, thanks, but I’m—” I stuttered, wanting to disappear on the spot.
Apart from that time Donny’s sister, Georgie, had asked me out, I hadn’t been complimented by someone outside of my family in my life. And to be fair, Georgie didn’t count, as the compliment had been very backhanded.
“Alright, Pete, don’t short-circuit on me,” Jordan said with a laugh, thankfully cutting off my rambling. “If I knew you were going to get like that, I wouldn’t have said anything.”
“Well, now you know for next time,” I murmured, trying to get the heat to leave my face, but to no avail. “Plus, coming from you, it is a little creepy.”
“You don’t get complimented a lot, do you?” Jordan asked, ignoring my last comment.
“Why would I?” I asked, but I regretted it instantly, as the look on Jordan’s face could’ve killed a wild cat.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that, and I’m going to get straight into my presentation.” Jordan shook his head before getting up and walking over to his cupboard. As he opened it and pulled something out of one of the draws, he turned back toward me. “Or should I say, gay to the presentation?”
“No. No, you should not say that,” I said bluntly, and Jordan rolled his eyes, walking back over to the bed. “That was a terrible joke,” I continued, glad that the initial shock of the compliment before had faded.
“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it,” Jordan said, pulling a face at me before resting a book on his lap.