This Is Me

by Finn

  “I don’t think I could thank you enough for standing up for me.”

  “You don’t need to. It’s what friends do.”

  Giving me a small nod, Cooper’s eyes continued to flick to Leroy, until he took in a sharp breath.

  “I’ll, uh, I’ll be just outside if you need me,” Cooper said with a small smile, moving past Leroy and me.

  As Cooper reached the door, the bell signalling the end of lunch rang, and he looked back at me. Giving him a small nod, Cooper turned away and left the bathroom, leaving me alone with Leroy. Hoping that the agony throughout my body would soon die down a little, I finally turned to face Leroy again and saw that he was already looking at me with tears in his eyes.

  “I’m so sorry, Pete. For everything.”

  Leroy’s voice trembled with every word, and he quickly looked away from me to wipe his eyes. It was odd seeing someone who had just broken someone else’s nose become so vulnerable so quickly.

  My mind was going wild at the moment, thinking about everything that was unfolding as well as what had been happening over the past month. I had spent those weeks being angry at Leroy, and yet, here I was feeling sorry for him. Fighting the urge to hug him.

  He seemed so broken and lost. I had caught glimpses of him in the hallways and in class, but I hadn’t noticed any of this. I hadn’t cared to notice. Or listen to what Andy and Blaire had been saying. Maybe this was what they were trying to tell me.

  I wanted to be angry at him. But I couldn’t.

  “You don’t need to be.”

  The words fell from my mouth before I had time to think about them, and I immediately shook my head, causing pain to rush through it.

  “I didn’t mean that,” I muttered, steadying myself and keeping my eyes on Leroy, who finally looked back at me.

  “I know,” he whispered, and I felt him shuffle a little closer to me.

  I made the motion to move away, though I didn’t have the strength to do so. Instead, I let my body stay limp next to Leroy, and soon our knees were touching, and he stopped moving closer.

  Skin on skin contact. One of the things that got us into this situation in the first place.

  Leroy’s gaze drifted down to our knees and stayed there for a moment. He remained silent, rubbing his bloody hand which sat in his lap, staining his school uniform.

  “You have every right to be angry,” Leroy finally broke the silence. His voice was no louder than a whisper.

  “I should never have had to be,” I said, pushing past the pain in my jaw and stomach. “This shouldn’t be happening between us.”

  “I know. I know, and I am so sorry.”

  “You were my friend, and I needed you.”

  “Pete, I—you needed me?” Leroy suddenly asked, looking up from our knees, and I felt my anger rise up again at his words. “I didn’t know—”

  “How did you not know I would need you?” I raised my voice, tensing my body and regretting it instantly. “I mean, I get it may have been uncomfortable for you with what happened, but still!”

  I had no idea if Leroy actually knew about me leaning in to kiss him or not. I had initially thought he did, which eventually led to me posting my coming out video. But after what Blaire and even Andy had said, I wasn’t so sure.

  “I didn’t mean for that to happen!” Leroy said quickly, averting his eyes away from me again, and I could see his face turning red.

  I, somehow, didn’t think we’re on the same page.

  “Which part?” I asked, bringing my voice down again.

  If I was going to be angry, I should make sure I was angry about the whole thing.

  “For trying to kiss you.”

  My mind went blank at Leroy’s words, and my mouth gaped as I looked at his face grow even redder. His hands no longer fiddling with each other but sitting in his lap shaking.

  Leroy had tried to kiss me. Did that mean I hadn’t imagined things when I thought he was leaning in at the same time I was?

  No. This wasn’t right. Leroy was straight. Leroy had a girlfriend. Leroy was… Leroy.

  “Pete?”

  I snapped out of my thoughts and noticed that Leroy was looking at me again, visibly shaking.

  He was scared. Just as I had been when I was thinking about coming out as gay. When I did come out as gay.

  I no longer had any idea what was going on.

  “I don’t understand…”

  “Pete, I’m gay.”

  Leroy’s words echoed around the small bathroom as my mind kicked back into gear and started to race—trying to think of something to say but coming up short.

  “What?” Was all I could muster.

  I didn’t know why I said that. I had heard what he said. I didn’t need to listen to it again. What I needed was an explanation.

  Leroy seemed to be one step ahead of me, though.

  “Pete, I’ve been so scared to admit who I am, and I’m sorry that it caused me to lose you. But I couldn’t face you after that afternoon. Especially after my dad…”

  Leroy’s voice trailed off, and tears began to fill his eyes again as I continued to try to wrap my head around what was happening.

  “I don’t understand…”

  Leroy was gay. But why would he walk away from me? I would understand if I hadn’t come out as gay, but I had.

  “Over the past month, I have been trying to work up the courage to tell you. To come clean. Because I miss you. And every day felt like hell when I couldn’t talk to you, but I was scared.”

  Leroy’s voice cracked with every word, and I could feel his knee shaking against my own. Fighting the alarm bells in my mind, I lifted my arm and pushed through the pain it caused me, placing it on his knee, and I felt him shudder under my touch, just as I had done with his. I didn’t move my hand though, and soon, Leroy stopped shaking, and I found it in myself to give him an encouraging smile.

  My heart was thumping loudly in my chest, and my mind was still racing, but I wasn’t going to turn away. It was time I listened. I had been so caught up in my own life and my own problems, that I was too eager to shift the blame to someone else. Someone who I had cared for. Someone who probably didn’t deserve all of the anger I had given him.

  “That afternoon at my house was a mistake. And I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to. But… Look, I had been staying at Andy’s for a while, and that’s because I’d come out to my dad. He could barely look at me. He yelled and pushed and… that’s why he yelled when he saw us. Why he yelled about the door. He’s the reason there are holes in the walls.”

  Leroy paused again, his eyes staring at my hand that rested on his knee. I wanted to say something. Anything. But nothing was coming to my mind. All I could do was gently rub my thumb on his knee. Like a fucking moron.

  “He’s all I have, Pete,” Leroy whispered after a few minutes of silence, wiping his eyes again, though keeping his eyes on my hand. “I thought that I could be who he wanted me to be. I tried so hard. I did everything I could to try and get him to see me as his son again. For a while, it worked.”

  “Grace?” I asked softly.

  “I hate myself every single day that I’m with her because I know it’s wrong. But when I told my dad we were together, it felt like I had a home again—like I had my dad back.

  “Then, I almost kissed you, and it put me back to square one. I just wanted to be normal. And I can’t do that if I’m around you.”

  As Leroy continued to speak, his words became weaker and more broken as tears flowed from his eyes. Each word carved a larger hole in my chest and sent guilt snaking around my body. Every moment that I looked at him, after every word he said, I began to realise more and more why he looked so drained. So broken.

  And I was one of the reasons.

  “And I didn’t want to face you after I almost kissed you because I was afraid you would look at me differently and be uncomfortable to be around me. I thought you’d hate me.

  “I thought leaving would be
the best thing to do. Because I could go back to trying to be normal. Trying to be someone who could go back home.”

  There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know where to begin, or even how to find the words. I wanted to apologise for the way I’d acted. Apologise for everything. Leroy had been beating himself up for something that wasn’t his fault. I had been beating him up for something that wasn’t his fault.

  Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I followed Leroy’s gaze to my hand.

  “Andy knows?” I asked quietly, and Leroy hummed.

  “Yeah. He’s been trying to tell me that it wouldn’t matter. That everything would be okay if I just listened and spoke to you, but I couldn’t. Part of me didn’t want to. Because I wanted to keep denying who I am. I don’t want to be who I am.”

  Leroy’s voice broke on the last word, and I lifted my head as he lifted his and our eyes locked. Both of us stared at each other through tears, and I finally found some words to say.

  “You could have come to me. Out of everyone, you should have known that I would understand.”

  “Understand?” Leroy questioned, tilting his head and looking to the ceiling. “I tried to kiss my straight friend and then abandoned him when he apparently needed me. Yeah, you would have understood that.”

  My brain did a doubletake at Leroy’s words, and I barely heard the last of what he said as my mind had focused in on one specific point.

  “What?” I choked out, pulling my hand away from Leroy’s knee and wiping my eyes.

  Once I lowered my hands, I saw that Leroy was no longer looking at the ceiling, but back at me. His bloodied hand trying to get rid of the tears falling from his eyes.

  “How… what has Andy told you?” I asked, trying to recollect my thoughts, but having no luck. “What has he tried to tell you?”

  “That I should listen…” Leroy started slowly, tilting his head and knotting his eyebrows. “That you wouldn’t care. To look at the social wall—which was a weird one.”

  Leroy managed to get out a chuckle, though quickly stopped as he saw my dumbfounded face.

  Everything was starting to make sense. Everything I had thought was completely wrong, and I was a dumbass for not listening to Andy myself, just as Leroy had been. If anything, we had one brain cell between the two of us, and neither of us had been using it.

  It was about time we laid all of our cards on the table.

  “Pete, what—” Leroy started, but I cut him off, ignoring the chaotic thumping of my heart and the thunderous sound of blood pumping in my ears.

  “I’m gay.”

  -Twenty-Three-

  Auditioning For The Role

  This bumbling idiot. This absolute, cataclysmic dumbass.

  How, in all of the holy fucks, did Leroy not know I was gay? It wasn’t like, recently, I had been trying to hide it. I made a fucking video. I could only imagine the types of things Andy had been trying to say to Leroy over the past month.

  ‘Pete’s gay, Leroy.’

  ‘Our sophisticated dumpling is just like you!’

  ‘Don’t let his bad fashion sense fool you. Peter is also gay.’

  But this wallaby. This unbelievably attractive boy sitting in front of me, gaping at the words I had just spoken—who was supposed to be a straight-A student—hadn’t fucking listening.

  Then again, I hadn’t listened either. But I’m a known idiot. Leroy is not. From the evidence laid out in front of me, if there were a gay agenda, we would all be too stupid to put it into motion.

  “No. What? No. That’s—no,” Leroy began to mumble, repeating the same words over and over, and started jigging his leg.

  His knee gently scraped up and down against my own, and I watched as he seemingly questioned everything he knew and everything that he had done. Much like I was doing.

  I had done nothing but feel anger and a bit of hatred for Leroy over this last month, all because I thought he turned his back on me because I was gay. Because he didn’t accept who I was. I thought he hated me for who I was.

  I mean, I know I’m an idiot, but I’ve never been this wrong about something in all my life.

  And Andy. The annoyance and anger I had shot his way because of the excuses and explanations he had tried to give me about Leroy, all for nothing. The pit I had in my stomach grew even more significant at the thought of distance I had put between us. Between all of my friends. Even Blaire.

  Yes, Blaire and I still had our time together, but since I’d pushed Leroy and Andy away, she had been doing her best to split her time between all of us. Most of the time, it had meant spending less time with me.

  At least that had pushed me closer to Cooper.

  “I don’t understand,” Leroy muttered, and I couldn’t stop myself from letting out a small laugh.

  This, of course, caused pain I had almost forgotten about to slither through my entire body again and my jaw to begin throbbing.

  “We’re both fucking idiots,” I said, gently touching my jaw, flinching as I did so.

  That was going to be one hell of a bruise.

  “When? How?” Leroy asked in a low whisper, still trying to grasp the concept of what I had said.

  “The day after the afternoon at your house—”

  “After I nearly kissed you.”

  “Roy, I had no idea you were leaning in. I thought I was the only one,” I said slowly, trying to lessen the aching in my jaw.

  “You—what!” Leroy’s leg stopped bouncing, and I saw him grip his bloodied fist, wincing as he did so.

  “I… I thought you noticed I was leaning in. That your dad saw. And then I thought you told Andy. Then Andy rang me and said everything was fine, and to not worry. I thought you knew. Everything.”

  Leroy continued to stare at me as I spoke, and I was starting to think he had forgotten how to blink until he finally did and shook his head.

  “I had no idea. My dad was yelling because—”

  “I can guess, you don’t need to say it,” I said quickly, cutting him off, and he nodded.

  “Thanks. But you leaning in… does that mean…”

  Leroy trailed off and wiped his eyes again—tears no longer falling from them—before cradling his hand again. He didn’t have to finish the question for me to know what he was going to ask. Well, I could guess.

  “Can we not talk about?” I asked quietly, keeping my eyes on Leroy’s hands.

  I did not feel like talking about my feelings for him. Especially when my mind was still coming to terms with everything that had been said. The anger I had been feeling still lingered, though it was mixed with too many other emotions to count. Not to mention the pain. Oh, fucking God, I was in so much of it.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry,” Leroy said quietly, and as he gripped his hand a little tighter, he flinched.

  “Is your hand okay?” I asked, reaching over to touch it, but stopping myself and letting my hand fall on my knee.

  “My knuckles are killing me,” Leroy mumbled before trying to move his wrist and sharply inhaling. “And I think I sprained my wrist.”

  “Maybe you should go to the school,” I mumbled, not realising I hadn’t finished the sentence.

  The conversation that I had been having with Leroy was a great distraction from the pain I was feeling and the unbelievable headache I had. Sadly, that conversation was over, and I was being thrust back into my aching reality. It was seemingly affecting my brain’s capability to function.

  “I think you need to go home,” Leroy said, flinching again as he propped himself up and moved directly beside me against the toilet stall.

  “I’m ‘kay,” I whispered, feeling myself lean my head toward Leroy, and doing my best to keep it upright.

  “It looks really bad, Pete,” Leroy whispered back, stretching around me to grab some toilet paper from the stall.

  “I’ve never been in the face before,” I muttered as Leroy gently began to wipe my face.

  “I think you missed a word there, bud.”
Leroy chuckled, and God, I missed this.

  Not the excruciating agony—but him.

  I looked up at Leroy as saw the concern on his face. His soft eyes laced with worry as he did his best to gently wipe the blood from my face, grimacing from the pain in his hand.

  “Which one?” I asked, closing my eyes and leaning into Leroy’s hand, causing him to stop cleaning my face.

  It wasn’t intentional, but my brain was in too much pain to do anything to stop me. I never knew getting punched in the face could make it so painful to think.

  “Cooper!” Leroy suddenly called out, and I really wished he hadn’t.

  How did he even know his name? Did I say it? Have they met? Are my school clothes going to have urine on them? I mean, this floor is filthy.

  All of these thoughts ran through my head, consecutively. I didn’t have an answer for any of them.

  “What’s wrong?” Cooper called as the bathroom door opened.

  His voice echoed off the titles, and I clenched my eyes shut at my head pounded at the sound. Why did people have to be so loud?

  “He needs to go see a nurse,” Cooper said, and I heard him move closer to me.

  “This school doesn’t have a nurse,” Leroy pointed out, and I opened my eyes to see him shaking his head.

  Slowly, he moved around me, grabbing my arm and wrapping it around his shoulder, gesturing Cooper to come and help with his other hand. That was still all bloody and sore, probably. I don’t know, I’m no doctor.

  I’m losing my mind.

  “I thought we had a whole room for sick kids?” Cooper moved forward and gently sat my other arm around his shoulders.

  “Yeah, the sick-bay. But it’s more of a single chair in a room behind the office where they give you a Panadol.”

  “Stop moving, please,” I muttered as the room began to spin, and I felt Leroy’s grip around me tighten.

  “Pete, we haven’t started moving yet,” Leroy muttered, and I chuckled.

  “Whoops, that’s just my brain breaking.”

  “I think he needs to go home,” Cooper suggested, and I heard Leroy hum in agreement.