Fools

by Joseph Mackey

Help! Of course the Tri Rail officers saw her and said oh no not again, that’s the fifth time this month. Gee whiz these oldsters think that they are pop stars or something.

  They think they’re Mick Jagger. So I laugh and Dave decides to get in a mischievous mood, we pull her pants down I say goodness Dave did you have to do that? I did it too! She stops trying to claim victims and fixes her pants. Unfortunately Dave’s interference cause them to rip. Oh the humanity, of course she was wearing granny panties. Of course Dave wishes he had shown some more wisdom for once. So do a lot of the passengers. Dave almost wound up getting arrested for indecent exposure of an old woman, but I told the officers it was the lesser of two evils. They let Dave go and hand the old woman her pants. So then she stops trying to claim victims and the on hand police take her to jail. Of course Dave is really a hero this time for stopping her as I am, but we made fun of the fools she locked lips with first, then her for being arrested.

  Me and Dave went out to celebrate our triumph over fools again. We officially declare war against idiocy at the end of the book. At this point we just went out to have a good time. Dave grabbed a waitresses butt at Denny’s , and she enjoyed it because he was a local hero. He got carried away by women by the end of the night, as did I because Dave told them I had a hand (literally) in the ending of that old woman’s idiocy. Of course, I’m wondering why the hell they care, but I don’t complain as I get carried away. People chant hip hip hooray three fucking cheers for the pantsing boys as they call us. So we drink a few on the house, which for some reason Dave tries to climb on top of the bar. I ask him why he’s doing that and he said the drinks are on the house, to which I say that means their free. Of course he is halfway up the ladder by the time I tell him so he looks kind of stupid but I have done the same thing the year before.

  In any case, the celebration lasts until 4 am and then Dave drives me back home with the girl I chose to go home with. I was living in the dorms at FAU at the time so I got a lot of girls back then. I was a bit wasted but I didn’t do anything I would regret the next day. I did have drunken sex with a girl who looked like she could stop traffic with her teeth, haha no she was cute. Dave left with two of them, he was howling the whole way home. He also made me wait till I was out of his car before starting. He said don’t do that in my car…. while I can see it, you can have the keys when I am not seeing it he said. In any case, the next day Dave and I see her trying to kiss people again, I ask her why (from a distance) she keeps this foolery up. No answer comes at first, so she tries to kiss me again and I try to pull Dave up as a shield, he isn’t paying attention and gets a good one from her. He flails about, thinking oh I’m going to puke. I hand him the booze and he throws it at me, which I don’t blame him for. I thought it would be a funny prank, but he is ready to kill me when she does it again. He throws up and I pour booze on him to wake him up when he passes out. I was in a pranking mood that day. I apologize to him and then he pantses me so the lady can get me or I can go pants less I choose not to pull them up and the woman ends up mugging it up with a Tri-Rail guard.

  Finally, I do the only humane thing I can and that is take her choppers and fling them far away from the train while it’s moving. Unfortunately, she happened to want to go along with them. I waved them over the top edge (note there is a 16 foot drop from the top of the train) and I held them over the edge where she was flailing for them. Of course I chuck the choppers after she over reaches and shouts TEETH! Of course she lands wrong and her teeth end up biting her in the butt. She also ends up breaking several bones, including her funny bone. The paramedics have to come pick her up and then I tell them the story about her. They pick up her and bring her to a Boca Raton hospital. Of course they crack up when they see how many people she kissed. She has not since then made a pass at a single man since shouting TEETH!

  Next a professor drops his pants in a lecture by mistake. Unfortunately for Dave, he saw it firsthand. Apparently the guy forgot his belt that day. The guy slipped while explaining some math formula and when he got up his pants came crashing down. Oh the humanity. Poor Dave caught a glimpse of the guy’s boxers by accident. Of course he had to dismiss the class after an incident like that. Girls were screaming, guys were like oh man this guy is an idiot. So then Dave decides to take a picture of the fool, who will be shown in the next book, more fools. I laugh at the guy even though he’s not there when I hear of it. The guy was disciplined about the incident, but not fired since he had tenure, In fact he was a professor there for forty years and he did this.

  The guy had snow on the roof and was doing pranks like this. It later was determined he was in fact doing a prank. He did it on purpose. He wanted to make his students pay attention and this is how he accomplished it. He got what he wanted all right. No one even looked away for fear of this guy dropping his drawers again. Some people almost wound up suing the university over the incident, but thankfully they didn’t. I would hate to have seen my school closed down over this idiot. People started pranking him over it though. One guy put a whoopee cushion in his seat. One put fake dog poop on the stage he walked around on. He slipped on it and did it again, although this one was an accident. The class then started throwing rotten fruit and vegetable at the guy who started the pranks.

  In fact, he was lucky to get out of there before the class beat the holy hell out of him. Dave actually called for the group to string him up I was appalled to hear this. Dave was of course, only joking, he was laughing his butt off when he said that, but the students beat the crap out of the guy and tied him to a pole for the birds to peck at.

  Eventually, someone came to help him, but by then he missed the bus home and the

  professor came by again and flashed him haha just kidding. Seriously he was there a long time. It wasn’t a pretty sight. The students stripped him and then threw rotten fruit at him like he was a bad actor. That really sucked for him since he was a theatre major. It was in the FAU news, and the Boca news, that a theatre major had been rotten fruited. Of course, his performances went bad and his professors flunked him. He became the laughing stock of the school. It was a sad day for him. It was a good day for me and Dave though, and we help the poor guy get reinstated and help his professors understand it wasn’t his fault and they pass him, with A’s.

  Sometimes we do good deeds for the poor fools who are unlucky enough to be discovered by our star search haha. The next day rolls around and the guy is on the flag pole with his underwear on his head. We investigate by asking why he was like this. He says he went to the classroom and pulled down his pants in front of 200 or more students. I asked why in the h e double hockey sticks he would do this? (literally in those words) He says he was dared to do it. I couldn’t believe the guy had the stones to go that far. I try to help him down, but Dave knew how to work the pole better than I did wink wink. His underwear were on the flagpole last year so that’s why. So he says he was also high when he did it, because his favorite hero, appeared to him while high and said go for it man you are so cool if you do. So being a huge fan of the towel, he does it, he exposes the sun and the full moon. And it was a full moon , believe me, the guy looked like he weighed about 300 lbs, whatever was holding him to the flagpole was like Superman. Me and Dave had quite the time trying to help him down. It was hard and he fell on me. Oh the horror. It turned out this guy wanted to be a college professor like the fool who dropped his pants, so we pantsed him on stage at Wackadoos.

  We wanted him to realize that you shouldn’t be a fool. You know what happens to them. After we did that, we saw another professor do the same thing, while lecturing in the Wackadoos cafeteria. Oh wait, that wasn’t a professor it was a student who had a name tag that said Dr. Allen Wrench. He decided it would be a good idea to imitate the previous moron. These guys really need to start wearing belts. Of course, Dave just happened to have a bullhorn on him, but I was arguing with him over who got to use it. Dave eventually made the announcements, sadly enough. So he said this fool who pretends to be a d
octor, actually dropped his pants and passed gas.

  It turned out the guy was impersonating the real Dr. Allen Wrench and committing fraud with his credit cards, cash, and other things. He was doing his job, while the man was on vacation. Of course, the fake gets hauled away after his real id falls out of his pocket. It’s Jason Figtree. Me and Dave certify on bullhorn that this man is not who he claims to be, get him people. He , of course, ends up being hauled away by FAU police and the guy gets 10 years for pretending to be a doctor.

  Of course, Dave and I celebrate by doing a cover band concert based on Super Mario Brothers 1 2 and 3. He (Dave) went as Luigi, I went as Mario, The suitcase guy went as Toad, and some random chick from the crowd decided to be the Princess Peach. Of course, the random girl sings, Toad plays bass, Dave drums, and I play sing and guitar. The concert was a huge success and I party my ass off until 2 am (after all it was a school night ) so I was home early for exams.

  What are you looking at, oh nothing. When I went to FAU, one day Dave told me one of the Bank Atlantic tellers was a pedophile. I couldn’t believe it until I saw it. One of the guys ,who shall remain nameless until caught and found guilty in a courtroom, was staring at a young boys…… penis. When I walked in I said hey what are you looking at, and he says oh nothing. Apparently he has been staring at adults for sometime as well, but this was just plain stupid. So the kid’s dad finds out and tells him to cut it out .The guy doesn’t cut it out. He keeps looking at other guys. In fact, he now looks at senior citizens in the showers. Dave also told me when he was younger he’d look at what he calls wheeooo wheeooo our own slang for penis. He looked at wheeoo wheeoo … and he got caught too by his friend who asked what are you looking at, oh nothing he says.

  Of course, his friend doesn’t believe him and gets mad at him. This is before he realizes he shouldn’t be doing this, so he’s not gay. Dave and I laughed so much over wheeoo wheeoo. Maybe this bank guy should be in the pervert section too. As it is the guy is still checking out old men’s wheeoo wheeoo. Haha, well maybe an old man will hit him