by L. B. Dunbar
In the whisper of the breeze, I hear the soft sound. Mom.
It’s clear as the day in my ears although it can’t be real. Mom.
The sound becomes the rhythm of my heartbeat. Mom. Mom. Mom.
And in my head, I’m yelling, What? What, Michael? in response to the incessant calling that only kids can do on repeat.
Michael.
I shake my head, and the world swivels with me. The trees move sideways and the sky tips, and I’m going over until the world turns black.
31
Broken Hearts
[James]
The repetitive beeping of the heart machine fills my head. I’m afraid to close my eyes and recall what I’d seen. Nothing. I hadn’t been focused on Evie but concentrating on Michael. Reliving the moments. Restoring my memories. But also have my silent talks where I apologize again to my son for not being strong enough, and I apologize to him for not being a man to his mother. I was in this cathartic stance, ignoring the warning yelps of Silver when I heard the thud and turned to find Evie.
She’d fallen over, and I didn’t know why or how.
All I could see was her body dangling precariously close to the edge of a rock, blood trickling from her head. Her feet hung off the side of a boulder, like any second she could be sucked downward, and I panicked. Frozen in time for half a second, I didn’t move, while Silver had her arm, dragging her to the center as best he could.
I fell to my knees and crawled to her. Not even graceful or careful, I tugged her away from the rock’s edge and back toward the forest. I probably did her more damage than good. Collapsing to the forest floor, I tug her between my legs, holding her to my chest and checking her pulse. She was still breathing, still alive, and I might have cried instantly in relief. Cell reception was shit up here, and I should have brought a two-way radio for better contact. There was a lot of blood, and I had to remind myself over and over that head wounds bleed more heavily.
Still, she wasn’t responding to my calls of her name.
Lifting her in my arms, I struggled but carried her the mile back to the outpost. I fell a few times with Silver at my feet, yipping at me like he wanted me to hurry. Like I was running out of time if I didn’t move faster. I wasn’t strong enough to carry her as far as I did, but I was determined to do such a thing. Once I had her in the truck, I had cell reception and called for an ambulance to meet me at Giant’s.
Chaos ensued, and I blindly followed the EMT to the hospital.
Evie had a mild heart attack. The doctor believed it was stress-induced.
“She’s only forty-five,” I told as though I was the medical practitioner.
“Number one killer of women in their forties is heart disease.” The statistic shocked me, and I wanted to google it to see if he knew what he was talking about.
“You just said stress, not disease,” I argued with him.
“What do you think can bring on heart disease?” I didn’t care for his answer, and suddenly, I felt sick. Had all we been through caused this in her? Had all I’d done to her led to a broken heart—literally? I’d rip out my own and give it to her if I thought it would make her better.
They were going to run some additional tests once she woke. In addition, they believed she had a concussion. The doctor explained her mind needed to rest after I told him where we were and the significance of it.
“And you carried her a mile through the forest?” a female intern questioned as I explained.
“I’d do anything for her.”
“That’s so romantic,” she muttered, turning pink in the face.
Romance had nothing to do with it. I was in love with my wife and damn stubborn to keep her this time.
I lower my head for Evie’s arm, one of my hands wrapped around it while the other holds her hand. I don’t know how long I’m in this position, but the touch of her fingers over my hair startles me.
“Hey,” I croak, feeling like I might have dozed and hoping I didn’t miss anything.
“Hey, baby,” she whispers, her throat sounding dry. I release her and stand.
“Need water?”
“What happened?” She stares up at the ceiling, and I reach for the Styrofoam cup with a straw.
“Here,” I offer her a sip, and she pushes it away when she’s done.
“Tell me,” she softly demands, and I explain as best I can her fall, my finding her, and then her stay here in the county hospital.
“I had a heart attack?” Her hand slips over her chest to her heart. “I’m too young for that.”
I chuckle. “I told the doctor the same thing. He thinks it was panic-induced like you just couldn’t take anymore and collapsed.” I reach for her hand. “I’m so sorry I pushed you. All I’ve done is push and push and push.”
Evie’s head rolls on the pillow, and she stares up at the ceiling. “Did you hear him?” Her voice is so quiet, and I know what she means. She looks back at me, stunned by the admission, and hesitant as though I’ll think she’s crazy.
“I hear him all the time,” I tell her. Sometimes it’s at the ridge, but sometimes it’s in the house or on my bike, or just anywhere. It’s all phantom sounds in my head, and I know this, but it always startles me.
A tear seeps from the corner of her eye, and I bite my lip. I don’t want her to cry anymore. We’d had such a great few weeks, laughing and talking, sharing stories and kissing in between. We hadn’t done heavy and then bam! So much heaviness, and it was all surrounding me.
“I’m not good for your health, Evie,” I tease, but there’s something serious in my tone.
“You’re the only thing healthy for me,” she whispers, and the tears burn my own eyes. I lower to the seat again and pull her hand to my lips. There’s something burning a hole in my pocket, but it needs to wait. I’d planned to do it on the ridge, but I’d given her a fucking heart attack instead.
“What’s next for me?” she asks.
“Rest. Recuperation. You’ll stay here for a few days and then need a few weeks at home.”
But which home? Mine or hers? I already told her I wanted to be with her night and day, and she agreed. There’s no way I’m separating from her now.
“We can stay in the rental while the house is on the market,” I tell her, answering all questions before they’re asked. I’ve already made plans to collect the rest of her things in Savannah and store them until we have a new place to live.
“I thought I lost you,” I admit, and my voice cracks. I close my eyes, holding her knuckles to my lips, and feel the wetness of my own tears seep down my cheek. I could not lose her too. Not like this. I’d give her up a million times, but I could not lose her to something higher powered than either of us.
“James,” she says, her voice quiet as she speaks to me. “Come here.” The fingers on her other hand wiggle, and she works to move over in the bed.
“Too many tubes and gadgets. I’m not risking anything with you,” I warn, but she smiles at me, something I want to see more than those tears.
“Come up behind me. Hold me, please.”
Dammit. I’ll do anything she asks of me. Anything, from this day forward.
+ + +
Evie rests in the hospital for a few days and then spends more time in bed at the rental house. I ended up extending the rental agreement until spring. It’s a tight fit, but we need the togetherness, and our new house won’t be ready until then. I can’t wait to tell Evie my plans, and I’m excited about things, but I don’t want to freak her into another attack. The doctors say she’s strong and young, which I kept telling them, and she should make a full recovery with diet, exercise, and stress-free living.
The first way I’m helping her is by going to a grief therapist. I hate talking about my feelings, and I’d balked at this idea a thousand times in the last three years, but almost losing my wife as well put things in perspective for me. I need to help myself in order to help her.
I knew there’d come a day when she’d ask me for the �
�anything” I promised I’d do for her. The tough anything, and it came not even a week after her return to the house.
“I want to attend Sunday dinner.” The ritual we’d attended off and on over the years at my parents’ home until I took a six-year hiatus.
“Your mother came to see me every day and sometimes your father, too. I love them, James. They’ve been good to me despite our little hiccup of misunderstanding.” She levels me with a teasing stare as that was my fault, but Evie admits she could have reached out to them, and they admitted the same. With everyone broken at the same time, it was hard to know which pieces to pick up and which ones to leave alone.
“I don’t know,” I say to her as we lie in bed facing each other. Evie rests often and then pushes herself. She’s bored, she says, and she’s tired of feeling confined. I admit I’m hovering, and she hates that, but worse, she hates that I’m refusing to have sex until the doctors approve it.
“James. It’s time.” She reaches out for my cheek and tenderly cups my jaw. “For me.”
She’s learning how to use those words and get her way, and I chuckle.
“You might need to hold my hand through the entire thing,” I warn her.
“Baby, I’m never letting go again.”
32
Homecoming
[James]
As we park in the driveway, I stroke Evie’s fourth finger. The one still absent of my rings.
“There’s something you should know before we go in there.”
Evie chuckles. “Do you know that’s the same thing you said to me when you brought me here nineteen years ago?”
I shift in the driver’s seat to face her.
“Jesus, do you realize it was roughly this same time of year?”
“Almost,” she teases. “So what did you want to tell me?”
“I’m scared.” It’s hard to admit, but I’m fucking scared out of my mind to enter that house. Evie has played interventionist and assures me my parents want me to join them for the Sunday ritual.
“You have no idea how happy this will make them.”
Yes, they’ll be happy, but I’m still dying on the inside. I’ve been so mean to them. I know their disappointment. I lost them the male line. I lost them their grandson. I’ve turned away from them and took Evie away from them.
“It’s not going to be perfect. We all need time, but this is a start.” She squeezes my hand. “Kiss me.”
The request is easy enough, and I do feel better once we do.
“Don’t let go of me,” I whisper, meaning more than my hand.
“Never,” she says, and for the first time in a long time, I believe in that word again. We’ll never be apart again. Even in our deaths, I’ll find her. We’ll find each other as we did on that mountain. As we did again, even after all we’ve been through.
I glance out the front window to find my three brothers standing on the lawn.
“Oh shit,” I mutter, and Evie laughs.
“The welcoming party?”
“More like the mafia.”
Evie laughs harder. “I’m trying to imagine it. Mafia mountain men. Nope, doesn’t work for me. It’s the flannel that throws me off.” She nods at my brother, and I notice two out of three are wearing one. “That reminds me. You look amazing.”
She glances back at me. I’m wearing dark jeans, a blue button-down with rolled sleeves, and a gray pinstriped vest. When Evie saw me walk out of the bedroom, she dropped her purse and her jaw.
“What? What’s the matter?”
“Besides wanting to strip you back out of that clothing and ride you like you’re a bike? Nothing.”
“Jesus,” I muttered, rushing up to her and taking her mouth, forgetting to keep things slow.
When I pulled back, she moaned. “Quit babying me.”
“I’m going to pamper you for the rest of your days,” I teased.
“Can it include you wearing that vest and nothing else?”
Good Lord, she was going to be the end of me in the most pleasant way.
“You’re beautiful,” I remind her. I’ve been telling her every day but showing her as well with little things like shared baths and massages. It’s hard to keep my hands off her, but she takes care of me as well.
“Let’s do this,” I mutter, and we step out of the truck. The second I can, I take Evie’s hand again, and she wraps her other hand over both of ours.
“James,” Giant says, keeping his eyes on me.
“Giant.” I pause, nodding at him. “Billy. Charlie.”
It’s quiet for a second, and Evie moves, but I squeeze her hand. I can’t release her, and I don’t want her to leave me alone with them.
“You look beautiful, Sunshine,” Billy says to Evie, and she blushes.
“Up to your old tricks, I see, William,” I reply instantly.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” Billy says, holding my eyes before slowing smile. “Can’t help it, your wife should have run away with me instead.” He winks at Evie, and she chuckles.
“William, play nice, or I’ll set Roxanne on you.” My wife has become good friends with her new sisters-in-law.
“We all know how much he loves Roxanne on him, so I don’t think that will be a punishment,” Charlie says, patting Billy’s shoulder and surprising us all with such an obvious sexual comment.
“Yeah, you just keep out of the upstairs bathroom. Some of us actually need to use it for its purpose,” Billy retorts.
“You had sex in the bathroom upstairs?” Giant lifts a brow.
I bite my tongue. Didn’t all of us at one time or another with someone? I glance back at Charlie and realize no, not him.
“Janessa liked the view,” Charlie admits, and Evie’s mouth falls open.
“I don’t think I should be here for this.”
Charlie chuckles, and I notice Goody Two-shoes Charlie seems to have loosened up a bit.
“I am not using that bathroom,” Giant mutters.
“Better stay out of the trophy room, too, then,” Billy smirks. “That old couch is like a science experiment.”
“Mama replaced it,” Giant says, straight-faced before his eyes meet mine, knowing that old couch had significant specimens of the unmentionable kind on it. Letty and Giant came to visit Evie in the hospital, and then Letty’s been at the house to distract Evie.
“Jesus, what is this?” Mati calls out from the front porch. “A pissing match or a welcome home party.” She stomps down the steps and right up to me. “You coming in or what?”
“I’m coming in,” I say quietly.
“Good to see you, big brother,” she says, and loops her arms around me, surprising the shit out of me. Evie still holds my hand, so I awkwardly pat my sister with one arm.
“I’m used to this kind of brotherly bullshit,” she says, tipping her head at the boys behind her. I used to be one of them, torturing our sister while protecting her.
“Mama’s waiting,” she whispers, and I nod. As I step forward, Charlie steps up to me. We both still, and he holds out a hand, all formal and politician-y.
“Welcome home,” he says, still stiff, but once our hands meet, he pulls me to him and slaps my back.
“Oh fuck, I’d rather hug your wife than you,” Billy mutters when Charlie steps back. But to my surprise, he comes at me with open arms. We got along the least despite being middle brothers to Giant and Charlie. Perhaps it was the competition to see who could be worse. I won. I clearly won.
Billy smacks my back hard with both hands, and I sense him making faces at Evie over my shoulder.
“Call me,” he mock whispers. “There’s still time for me to save you.”
I playfully push him back. “Gonna trade me for Roxanne.” The teasing stops all motion.
“No fucking way,” Billy says, and his face hardens. Then it falls as if he gets it. It isn’t great to have someone always looking at his forever girl.
“Fuck you,” Billy mutters, but he’s joking.
&nb
sp; “No thanks,” I turn my head to Evie, and when I look back at Billy, he’s biting his lip, fighting the comeback. He wants to say something so bad, he’s ready to burst, and I slowly laugh.
“I think he bested ya, Bill,” Evie says, and Giant chuckles. He comes up to me next, and it’s a struggle with us. We haven’t lost touch completely as he’d been inserting himself here and there over the years, checking on me—as Justice said—when I didn’t even realize that’s what he was doing. He still knows more about me than the rest of my family, knowing Evie’s promise to call and my visits to the ridge.
“Stop being a stranger, brother,” he whispers to me, and I nod, feeling my eyes burn. I blink a few times, realizing along with my parents, I hurt him too. My big brother. My best friend. I pinch my eyes together and look up at him.
“You too,” I mutter and release Evie’s hand when Giant cups my neck. He’s going to pull me in hard, and I expect it before I’ve even wrapped my arms around him, holding on a second longer than the rest.
“Good to have you home, kid,” he mutters to me, and I remember all those times he went off to fight in the military, and we didn’t know if he’d return alive or not. I was always grateful to have him back, and I’d say the same thing to him.
“Good to be home,” I whisper, still feeling strange but also good about this.
As we break, my parents stand on the porch, my mother under my father’s arms, and she breaks from him, approaching me first.
“Mama,” I say when she stops before me. I lick my lips and look at Evie, who smiles and nods her head. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to join you for supper today.”
My mother’s eyes instantly fill, and her hands clasped before her chest. “Your seat has been waiting for you,” she says and looks at Evie. “For both of you.” Her arms open, and I step into them. I’m never going to have the relationship the rest have with her, but she’s still my mother, which means I have my own relationship with her. She holds me longer than I’d like, and I look at Evie over my mother’s shoulder.
Her brows pinch. “I’m starving,” she says, hoping to pull Mama off me. “What’s for dinner?” It does the trick, and my mother pulls away.