by Louise Hay
Affirmations performed in front of a mirror are advantageous because you learn the truth of your existence. When you do an affirmation and you immediately hear a negative response such as, “Who are you kidding? It can’t be true. You don’t deserve that,” then you have received a gift to use. You cannot make the changes you want until you are willing to see what is holding you back. The negative response you have just discovered is like a gift in that it becomes the key to freedom. Turn that negative response into a positive affirmation such as: “I now deserve all good. I allow good experiences to fill my life.” Repeat the new affirmation until it does become a new part of your life.
I have also seen families change enormously when just one person does affirmations. Many people at the Hayride come from estranged families. Their parents literally will not talk to them. I’ve had them repeat the affirmation, “I have wonderful, loving, warm, open communication with every member of my family, including my mother” or whoever the problem person was. Every time that person or the family comes to mind, I suggest that they go to the mirror and say the affirmation over and over again. It is amazing to see the parents actually show up at the meeting three, or six, or nine months later.
10. Finally, love yourself now—don’t wait until you get it right. Dissatisfaction with yourself is a habit pattern. If you can be satisfied with yourself now, if you can love and approve of yourself now, then when good comes into your life, you will be able to enjoy it. Once you learn to love yourself, you can begin to love and accept other people.
We can’t change other people, so leave them alone. We spend a lot of energy trying to make others different. If we used half that energy on ourselves, we could make ourselves different, and when we are different, others respond differently to us.
You can’t learn life for another person. Everyone has to learn his or her particular lessons. All you can do is learn for yourself, and loving yourself is the first step, so you are not brought down by other people’s destructive behaviors. If you are in a situation where you are with a really negative person who doesn’t want to change, you need to love yourself enough to move away from that.
One woman at one of my lectures told me that her husband was very negative, and she didn’t want him to be a bad influence on her two little children. I suggested that she start affirming that her husband was a wonderful, supportive man who really is working on himself and is bringing out his best qualities. I told her to affirm what she would like to have happen, and every time he was negative, simply run the affirmation through her mind. However, if the relationship continued negatively no matter what affirmations she said, then that might be an answer in itself—the relationship simply wouldn’t work.
Because of the increasing divorce rate in our country, I think a question that many women need to ask themselves before they have children is: “Am I really willing to support these children totally on my own?” Being a single parent has become more and more the norm, and it’s almost always the woman who acquires the added responsibility of raising children by herself. There was a time when marriages lasted a lifetime, but times have changed, so it’s definitely a situation to be considered.
Far too often, we stay in abusive relationships and allow ourselves to be put down. What we are saying is, “I’m not worth loving, so I will stay here and accept this behavior because I must deserve it and I am sure nobody else would want me.”
I know that I sound simplistic and repeat the same expressions over and over again, but I truly do believe that the quickest way to change any problem is to love who we are. It is amazing how the loving vibrations we send out will attract to us people who are loving.
Unconditional love is the goal I think we have come here to attain. It begins with self-acceptance and self-love.
You are not here to please other people or to live your lives their way. You can only live it your own way and walk your own pathway. You have come to fulfill yourself and express love on the deepest level. You are here to learn and grow and to absorb and project compassion and understanding. When you leave the planet, you don’t take your relationship or your automobile or your bank account or your job with you. The only thing you take is your capacity to love!
Chapter 9
Loving the Child Within
If you can’t get close to other people, it is because you don’t know how to be close to your own inner child. The child in you is scared and hurting. Be there for your child.
One of the core issues that we want to begin to explore is healing the forgotten child within. Most of us have ignored our inner child for far too long.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, there is a little child within you who needs love and acceptance. If you’re a woman, no matter how self-reliant you are, you have a little girl who’s very tender and needs help; and if you are a man, no matter how macho you are, you still have a little boy inside of you who craves warmth and affection.
Every age that you have been is within you—within your consciousness and memory. As children, when something went wrong, you tended to believe that there was something wrong with you. Children develop the idea that if they could only do it right, then parents or whoever would love them, and they wouldn’t beat them or punish them.
So whenever the child wants something and doesn’t get it, he or she believes, “I’m not good enough. I’m defective.” And, as we grow older, we reject certain parts of ourselves.
At this point in our lives—right now—we need to begin to make ourselves whole and accept every part of who we are—the part that did all the stupid things, the part that was funny looking, the part that was scared, the part that was very foolish and silly, the part that had egg on its face. Every single part of ourselves.
I think that we often turn off or tune out around the age of five. We make that decision because we think that there is something wrong with us, and we’re not going to have anything to do with the child anymore.
There is a parent inside, as well. You have a child and you have a parent, and most of the time, the parent scolds the child, almost on a nonstop basis. If you listen to your inner dialogue, you can hear the scolding. You can hear the parent tell you what you are doing wrong or how you are not good enough.
Consequently, we begin a war with ourselves, and we start to criticize ourselves the way our parents have been criticizing us. “You’re stupid. You’re not good enough. You don’t do it right. Screwed up again!” It becomes a habit pattern. When we become adults, most of us totally ignore the child within us, or we criticize the child in the same way we used to be criticized. We continue the pattern over and over again.
I once heard John Bradshaw, author of several marvelous books on healing the inner child, say that each of us has 25,000 hours of parent tapes within us by the time we are adults. How many hours of those tapes, do you think, are telling you how wonderful you are? How much says that you are loved or that you are bright and intelligent? Or that you could do anything you wanted to and would grow up to be the greatest person? In reality, how many hours of those tapes are saying “No, No, No,” in all its many forms?
It’s no wonder we say no to ourselves or should all the time. We are responding to those old tapes. However, they are only tapes and are not the reality of your being. They are not the truth of your existence. They are just tapes you carry within, and they can be erased or rerecorded.
Every time you say that you are scared, realize it is the child in you who’s scared. The grown-up really isn’t afraid, yet the adult isn’t being there for the child. The adult and the child need to develop a relationship with each other. Talk to each other about everything you do. I know it may sound silly, but it works. Let the child know that no matter what happens, you will never turn away or run away. You will always be there for it and love it.
For instance, if, when you were very young, you had a bad experience with a dog; that is, maybe it scared you or even bit you, the little child inside could still be frightened of dogs even
though now you are a great, big adult. You may see a dog on the street that is teeny, but the little child inside you reacts in a total panic. It says, “DOG!!! I’m going to be hurt!” This is a wonderful opportunity for the parent inside of you to say to the child, “It’s okay, Pm grown up now. I will take care of you. I won’t let the dog hurt you. You don’t have to be frightened anymore.” Start parenting your own child in this way.
Healing the Hurts of the Past
I have found that working with the inner child is most valuable in helping to heal the hurts of the past. We are not always in touch with the feelings of the frightened little child within us. If your childhood was full of fear and battling, and you now mentally beat yourself up, you are continuing to treat your inner child in much the same way. The child inside, however, has no place to go. You need to go beyond your parents’ limitations. You need to connect with the little lost child inside. He or she needs to know that you care.
Take a moment now and tell your child that you care, “I care. I love you. I really love you.” Maybe you’ve been saying this to the big person, the adult inside you. So start talking to the little child. Visualize that you are taking him or her by the hand and go everywhere together for a few days, and see what wonderfully joyous experiences you can have.
You need to communicate with that part of yourself. What are the messages you want to hear? Sit down quietly, close your eyes, and talk to your child. If you haven’t talked to her or him in 62 years, it may take a few times before the child will believe that you really want to talk to it. Be persistent: “I want to talk to you. I want to see you. I want to love you. “ You will eventually connect. You may see the child inside you, you may feel it, or you may hear it.
One of the first statements that you can make when you first talk to your child is an apology. Say you are sorry that you haven’t talked to it in all these years, or that you are sorry for scolding it for so long. Tell the child that you want to make up for all the time spent apart from one another. Ask it how you can make it happy. Ask the child what frightens him or her. Ask how you can help, and ask what it wants from you.
Start out with simple questions; you will get the answers. “What can I do to make you happy? What would you like today?” For instance, you can say to the child, “I want to jog, what do you want to do?” He or she may answer, “Go to the beach.” The communication will have begun. Be consistent. If you can take just a few moments a day to begin to connect with the little person inside of you, life is going to be a lot better.
Communicating with Your Inner Child
Some of you may already be doing inner-child work. There are many books on the subject, and many workshops and lectures are given about it. I’ve listed some books at the end for further study.
Self-Parenting, by John Pollard III, is excellent, and it’s filled with wonderful exercises and activities that you can do with your inner child. If you are serious about doing practical work with your inner child, I recommend that you pick up this book. As I said before, there is a lot of help offered in this area. You are not alone and helpless, but you need to reach out and ask for help so that you can get assistance.
Another suggestion I have is to find a photograph of yourself as a child. Really look at the photograph. Do you see a miserable little kid? Do you see a happy child? Whatever you see, connect with it. If you see a frightened child, ask it why it was frightened, and start doing something to make it feel better. Find several photos of your younger self, and talk to the child in each photo.
It helps to talk to your child in the mirror. If you had a nickname as a child, use that name. Have a box of tissues handy. I suggest that you sit down in front of the mirror because if you are standing, as soon as it gets difficult, you will run out the door. Instead, sit down with your box of tissues, and start talking.
Another exercise you can do is to communicate through writing. Again, lots of information will surface. Use two different colored pens or felt markers. With one colored pen in your dominant hand, write a question. With the other colored pen in your nondominant hand, let your child write the answer. It’s a very fascinating exercise. When you are writing the question, the adult thinks it knows the answer, but by the time you pick up the pen with the awkward hand, the answer often comes out quite differently than expected.
You can draw together, too. Many of you probably loved drawing and coloring when you were little children until you were told to be neat and not to draw out of the lines. So begin drawing again. Use your nondominant hand to draw a picture about an event that just happened. Notice how you feel. Ask your child a question, and just let it draw with the nondominant hand and see what it shows.
If you can get together with others in small core groups, or support groups, you can work on these ideas together. You can all let your inner children draw pictures, then you can sit around and carefully discuss what the pictures mean. The information you receive can be surprisingly insightful.
Play with your little child. Do things that your child likes to do. When you were little, what did you really like to do? When was the last time you did it? Too often, the parent inside us stops us from having fun because it’s not the adult thing to do. So, take the time to play and have fun. Do the silly things you did when you were young, such as jumping in piles of leaves and running under the hose spray. Watch other children at play. It will bring back memories of the games you played.
If you want more fun in your life, make the connection with your inner child and come from that space of spontaneity and joy. I promise that you will start having more fun in your life.
Were you welcomed as a child? Were your parents really glad you were born? Were they delighted with your sexuality, or did they want the opposite sex? Did you feel you were wanted as a child? Was there a celebration when you arrived? Whatever the responses are, welcome your child now. Create a celebration. Tell it all the wonderful things you would tell a little baby who was welcomed into its new life.
What is it you always wanted your parents to tell you when you were a child? What was it they never said that you wanted to hear? All right, tell your child that very thing. Tell it to your child every day for a month while looking in the mirror. See what happens.
If you had alcoholic or abusive parents as a child, you can meditate and visualize them as sober, gentle people. Give your child what it wants. It has probably been deprived for too long. Start visualizing the sort of life you would like to have with this child. When the child feels safe and happy, it can trust you. Ask: “What do I need to do so that you can trust me?” Again, you will be amazed at some of the answers.
If you had parents who were not loving at all, and it’s really hard for you to relate to them, find a picture of what you think a loving father or a loving mother looks like. Put the pictures of the loving parents around the photo of yourself as a child. Create some new images. Rewrite your childhood if you must.
The beliefs that you learned when you were little are still inside the child. If your parents had rigid ideas, and you’re very hard on yourself or tend to build walls, your child is probably still following your parents’ rules. If you continue to pick on yourself for every mistake, it must be very scary for your inner child to wake up in the morning. “What is she or he going to yell at me about today?”
What our parents did to us is in the past was their consciousness. We are the parents now. We are using our consciousness. If you are still refusing to take care of the little child, you are stuck in self-righteous resentment. Invariably, it means that there is still someone to forgive. So what is it you haven’t forgiven yourself for? What do you need to let go of? Well, whatever it is, just let it go.
If we are not giving the child praise and attention now, our parents aren’t the blame. They were doing what they thought was right in that particular space and time. However, now, in the present moment, we know what we can do to nourish the child within us.
Those of you who had or have a pet know what i
t’s like to come home and have the pet greet you at the door. It doesn’t care what you are wearing. It doesn’t care how old you are or if you have wrinkles or how much money you made today. The animal only cares that you’re there. It loves you unconditionally. Do that for yourself. Be thrilled that you are alive and that you are here. You are the one person you are going to live with forever. Until you are willing to love the inner child, it’s very hard for other people to love you. Accept yourself unconditionally and open-heartedly.
I find that it is often very helpful to create a meditation to make your child feel safe. Since I was a child of incest, I invented a wonderful imagery for my little girl.
First of all, she has a fairy godmother who looks just like Billie Burke in The Wizard of Oz because that’s what really appeals to her. I know that when I’m not with her, she is with her fairy godmother, and she is always safe. She also lives in a penthouse way up high, with a doorman and two large dogs, so she knows that no one will ever hurt her again. When I can make her feel absolutely safe, then I, as the adult, can help her to release the painful experiences.
There was a time recently when I got off-center and cried for two hours. I realized that the little child in me suddenly felt very hurt and unprotected. I had to tell her that she wasn’t bad or wrong. Rather, that she was reacting to something that had happened. So as quickly as I was able to, I did some affirmations and meditated, knowing that there was a Power far greater that would support and love me. After that, the little girl didn’t feel so afraid and alone.
I’m also a great believer in teddy bears. When you were very little, often your teddy bear was your very first friend. It was your confidante because you could tell all your troubles and secrets to it, and it never snitched on you. It was always there for you. Take your teddy bear out of the closet now, and let your child have it once again.