“What happened?” Serenity asked her softly.
Raina blinked out of her momentary trance. “I’m sorry?”
“You changed more than your appearance when you entered the restroom,” she observed with a light gesture to Raina’s makeup-free face. “I felt a wave of very terrible, negative emotions while you were away. It washed over me suddenly, like a sudden gust of wind. Did you hurt yourself?”
“No, no,” she said, shaking her head and looking away at nothing.
There was a brief pause as Raina continued to stare at an empty corner, where the bench to her right joined with the one upon which Serenity sat. She tried to focus upon the wood, the lines of its grain, the occasional knotholes. She tried to think of something, anything else…
“You’ll have to learn to let go sometime, dear,” Serenity told her flatly. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself forever. You’ll go mad.”
“I’m already there.” Raina closed her eyes, breathing in a heavy amount of steam. “I’m a very sick person, Serenity. I’ve got problems … and I don’t just mean stress.”
“I know, dear. I know,” she said, reaching out to touch Raina’s hand as it rested upon one of her knees. “That’s why we’re here. That’s why I’m here. I want to help you get better.”
Raina kept her eyes closed. “You don’t understand. This isn’t an illness. This isn’t a disease. It’s just me. I’m just … I’m fucked up, that’s all.”
“No, dear…”
“No, it’s true! I’m crazy. I’ve always been crazy.” She felt the first tears already beginning to flood her eyes. Not here! Not now! She got up to leave. “I’m sorry, I can’t…”
Serenity arose with her and placed her hands upon her shoulders, pressing down firmly. Raina halted in her retreat, but she would not meet her gaze, keeping her own eyes squeezed tightly shut. Raina was being a total child, an embarrassment to her own title. This wasn’t how a Grand Duchess was supposed to act, was it? Emotionally weak and unstable, crying in front of virtual strangers? She was pathetic. Really, had Duvessa truly been so desperate? What the hell had that ancient and supposedly wise but sadistic bitch ever seen in her, anyway?
“Raina, please,” Serenity said softly, firmly guiding her to sit back down, “don’t run away anymore. Let me help you.”
“You can’t help me.”
“Let me try. Please.” Serenity’s hands caressed her face gently, kindly wiping away tears she hadn’t known were already falling. “It won’t cost anything but time.”
“My time and my dignity,” she quipped, “or at least what little is left of it.”
“No one else is here. No one else is watching.” Serenity’s fingers trailed through Raina’s hair soothingly. “Talk to me, dear. You can trust me. I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help. Don’t you want to feel better?”
Raina finally opened her eyes and Serenity’s beautiful face filled her view. She was almost close enough to kiss. She wasn’t sure if she should, although on some basic level the urge was there. Raina simply sat and stared at her. She was lost. She hated being lost. She’d always had a path to follow, a compass, a guide to show her along and keep her on track. She had nothing but her own tangled mind now. She hated it.
“I want…”
“Yes?”
“I want … to know where to go.”
Serenity kissed her forehead lightly and brushed her hair back a bit more. “You’re seeking direction in life. You seek purpose.”
“Yeah.”
“Will you let me help you find it?”
Raina closed her eyes and finally nodded. “Okay.”
“Then let go,” she said. “Let go of everything. Forget it all. Forget everything else but what is here and now. Let the world be this room, and let its only people be you and I. Can you do that?”
“I’ll … I’ll try.”
“Let go. Let go of it all,” Serenity said, repeating it over and over like a mantra as she stroked Raina’s hair, touched her face, and kissed her forehead and cheeks. “Let it all go … because none of it matters anymore. Nothing matters except the here and now. The world is yours, and it is all right here.”
And so she did. It was easy enough. Raina had already considered herself to be in a position of defeat. She had nobody. She was nobody. She cared nothing for what became of herself anymore. She had lost control, utterly and completely. She was putty in the hands of whomever was willing to mold and reshape her as they pleased. She had neither form nor function. So, to let go of the world was such a trivial request, so utterly inconsequential, that it seemed almost silly. After a few moments, Raina closed her eyes, breathed in deeply, and let out a heavy sigh. There. It was gone. Just like that.
The velvety soft feel of Serenity’s lips pressing lightly against hers brought Raina’s eyes open again. She pulled herself away, although not quite with a sudden jerk.
“What the…?”
“It’s okay, dear,” Serenity told her soothingly as she moved back for a moment. “It’s okay.”
“You kissed me.”
“Yes, I did,” she confirmed calmly. “Will you trust me to help you?”
She hesitated. “Does this mean we’re going to … do it?”
Serenity laughed, a soft, intimate sound like cashmere upon her ears. Shaking her head, she replied, “No, dear, of course not. Not unless that is what you want.”
“I, ah … I don’t know.” Raina hesitated. “I think I might.”
Serenity smiled, pausing for a moment before briefly kissing her again. “When the time is right, then we may. But for now … try to clear your mind.”
“Okay,” she said, closing her eyes again.
Serenity verbally guided Raina through what seemed like a cross between meditation and hypnosis. She brought her down, put her at ease, and convinced her that, indeed, nothing at all mattered anymore. The world was inconsequential and irrelevant to her in this moment. Bringing her down into a state somewhere in the vicinity of Zen, Serenity then proceeded to gently probe at Raina’s psyche with a series of gently-spoken questions. Raina kept her eyes closed through much of it. The sight of Serenity too soon would only distract her and bring back all of that envy and self-loathing.
Raina let her have it all, unloading every major emotional burden that weighed down upon her. She kept nothing sacred. Well, almost nothing. By and large, she confessed her very soul. Raina hated herself. She hated herself as a vampire, not only because of what she had become, but also because of what she still was. She hated that the Change had truly cured nothing and instead added fresh curses. She hated that no matter what she did, it was never enough, it never turned out right, and it always fell short of her own and others’ expectations. She hated that in spite of all her power as Grand Duchess and the Fountainhead of the Fallamhain race, she seemed completely powerless to control much of anything in her life. She hated that everything she had done was a result of her own stupid choices in life, no matter how seemingly innocent. She hated not knowing for certain what was beyond this life, if anything at all, because death was a constant threat in her life. She hated that she felt so alone, and she hated that she had no one else to blame but herself for her solitude. And she hated that she was so lost, so confused, that she had almost no concept of an identity for herself – who she was, what she wanted, or even whether she was straight, gay, bisexual, or perhaps something else entirely.
Surprisingly, it didn’t take long to get it all out … well, most of it, anyway. Her soul seemed to be a very small, tiny, dense thing. Serenity did not try to interpret or to put a spin upon anything, nor did she even try to evaluate anything that Raina said. She simply asked and listened as Raina purged her mind as completely as she had purged her stomach. And it was enough. It was good. She was feeling better already. But the purge was only the beginning. She was still empty, still alone, and still lost. And so Serenity took her by the hand and led her out of the sauna at last.
“Now,” S
erenity said to her as she tossed aside her towel and took both of Raina’s hands, “you have burned away the negativity. Let us seal the wound so that your healing may truly begin.”
“Umm … okay,” Raina agreed with a curious look. “What now?”
“Show me you’re ready to begin.”
She raised an eyebrow at that. “How?”
“How do you feel right now?”
“Hot … sweaty … and really wanting a shower,” she replied.
“Why do you want a shower?”
Wasn’t it obvious? Even so, she replied, “I want to feel clean.”
“Do you want to cool down?”
“I guess so, sure.”
“Follow my lead.”
And with that, Serenity turned and made a few brief, graceful, and swift strides toward the pool before leaping forth and diving expertly into the water with a modest splash. Raina stared after her for a moment with surprise. Okay, so it was nothing she hadn’t already done in her lifetime, before, but she usually did so after sitting in a spa for awhile. Serenity had simply caught her off guard. Serenity quickly surfaced, wiping her eyes clear and smearing the glittery makeup that had already begun to run a bit in the sauna. She grinned to the other High Court expectantly.
Three words she’d been tempted to let loose all evening finally escaped her lips: “What the hell.”
Raina stepped over to the side of the pool, unwrapped the towel from her body – the sudden chill of the air upon her near-total bareness was a shock, in itself – and she carefully removed her ankh pendant and laid it down with the towel upon the textured concrete floor. She stared at the swirling little waves of the water, breathing in its clean-smelling chlorinated scent, and tried to forget that Serenity was already eyeing up her topless form.
It had been quite a few years since she’d last taken a dip because for so long she had been so self-conscious about her body image. Getting naked in front of someone was humiliating enough of a concept for her, but swimming around near-naked somehow seemed worse because she felt anyone to see her would be that much more critical of her looks. Nudity in the bedroom usually implied that someone was already interested in her and, thus, anything she revealed by taking off her clothes wouldn’t come as much of a shock to them. In a swimsuit, especially a bikini, the lust-of-the-moment element was removed and people would have a more objective opportunity to scrutinize her as being too much of this or too little of that. With Serenity, it was a bit different, although not completely – she was still envious of the Elder’s beauty – as she knew she was not being judged so much as she was more interested in her actions. Raina prepared herself for the temperature shock she knew awaited her, closed her eyes, and dove in head-first with her arms outstretched.
The world became fluid and muted at once, and she waited for the shock of the sudden chill to overtake her. It never quite came. Instead of swimming to the surface of the water to yell about how cold the water was, she was surprised to find that it was incredibly warm – not hot like a sauna, but very, very pleasant. She broke the surface and was momentarily disoriented after wiping her hair and the water from her eyes. By the time she had regained her bearings, she turned to find that Serenity had swum nearly within reach of her. She was still grinning broadly.
“Excellent!” she said proudly. “How did it feel?”
Raina found herself already in a bit of pain as she was treading water, aggravating the soreness of her wounds considerably. She tried not to let it show upon her face.
“It’s not as bad as I expected.”
“You expected it to be terribly cold?”
“Totally.”
“But you feel okay now?”
Raina couldn’t help it. She was hurting badly enough that keeping her head above water was beginning to become a bit of a struggle. “Yeah, I … I guess so.”
“You’re in pain, dear,” Serenity observed, her smile faltering with sympathy. “Come with me.”
She again followed Serenity’s lead as they swam the short distance over to the shallower end of the pool. Raina was able to stand upon her tip-toes and thus keep her head above water without having to wave her arms, giving her aching shoulder and abdominal muscles a rest. The water was much more soothing now, and the semi-buoyant feeling took a significant amount of physical stress away. She followed Serenity over to a corner of the pool where they could lounge comfortably for awhile. The Elder predictably drew close to her but avoided physical contact. Her eyes remained upon Raina’s, rather than trying to stare at what could be seen beneath the surface of the water.
“That was simply beautiful,” Serenity told her after she had half-waded and half-walked toward where she awaited her in the corner of the pool. “That was exactly how I’d hoped you would respond. You shed your worries, rid that negativity from within yourself, and dove at the prospect of the future without fear.”
Raina felt like replying that all she had done was to simply hop in a swimming pool after sweating it out in a sauna. In fact, she was still pretty embarrassed by the whole thing. But she felt it was best not to ruin the moment. Raina had a knack for finding the bad in any otherwise good situation, so it hardly seemed fair to subject someone as upbeat as Serenity to that unpleasant habit.
“So, um … what now?” Raina asked through her clenched teeth. Her wounds were still bothering her, although the pain was subsiding now that she was no longer having to move her arms to keep her head above the surface.
Serenity smiled to her. “What do you want most, right now?”
“I don’t know,” Raina said after a moment. “World peace?”
“At this very moment, I mean,” she persisted gently. “What would you like more than anything right now? Just say the first thing that comes to mind.”
“A dry towel, a cozy bed, and a few hours of undisturbed sleep,” Raina answered with a smirk.
“Really?” Serenity’s smile faltered ever so slightly. She was clearly a bit disappointed. “Do you wish to retire for the evening so soon?”
Raina combed her fingers through her wet hair, painfully forcing her way through a slight snag as she did so, and she looked away at the reflecting ripples upon the floor of the pool. “I feel like I’ve probably humiliated myself enough for one evening already.”
Serenity drew close, carefully touching only with one hand as she caressed Raina’s left cheek gently, affectionately. The attraction she felt towards Raina was unmistakable, the sense of it so clear and so strong in their close proximity that Raina was honestly having a very hard time now keeping it apart from her own feelings. It was not exclusively sexual lust, but that was a very large part of it. Raina did not find her unappealing in the least; rather, she was more concerned with the fact that she felt herself to be anything but attractive in that moment. Raina was makeup-less and sporting ugly battle wounds that were being quite slow to heal, her hair was a tangled mess, and her breath was probably not too appealing in spite of the mint she’d chomped before leaving the restroom earlier. About the only time worse than this for Serenity to be trying to seduce her would have been when she’d approached her immediately after her duel with Duchess Camille – tired, bloodied, disheveled, and hating most of the world (instead of just herself).
“I won’t force myself upon you, dear. To do so would go completely against my religious beliefs on several levels,” Serenity assured her, “not to mention that it would be a serious violation of the Code.”
“Then I guess you’re in a bit of a predicament by default.”
“How so?”
“Forcing yourself on others is kind of what being a vampire is all about,” she replied. “You can’t exactly hunt for blood or sex if you’re a witch, can you?”
She shrugged. “I’ve never really needed to, quite honestly. But I don’t consider myself to be a witch, either.”
“Well … you’re Wiccan, aren’t you?”
“That’s a misnomer, I’m afraid. I am not truly a witch,” she replied. �
��I agree with many of its principles and I find a great deal of common ground with its practitioners, but I could never honestly call myself a Wiccan. You’re right, though. My status as both a vampire and an Elder in the IVC would be a direct conflict with that religion.”
“Then … what are you, exactly?”
“I am myself, dear,” Serenity answered with a smile. “I do not let labels or others’ preconceived notions confine my identity. I have made my own identity through a great deal of introspective meditation, self-awareness, self-realization, and experimentation. A lot of trial and error, essentially, was what brought me to be whom and what I am now.”
“Oh.”
Serenity gently laid her hand upon Raina’s shoulder. “This is what I hope to help you achieve. I understand that a great deal of what troubles you right now is that you are still coming to terms with the Change. There is more to the Change than simply the physical aspect of it, you know. There is far more to being a vampire, especially a High Court, than having a few unique physical features. And because you have been thrust into this position in which you now find yourself as Grand Duchess, the leader of an entire race of beings, your entire concept of personal identity has been shattered. You must discover yourself … truly discover yourself, dear, without preconceived notions. And you must embrace yourself fully and completely.”
“I’ve been trying. I really have,” Raina assured her with a nod. “Frankly, I was pretty sure up until the past twenty-four hours or so that I had already come to terms with it all.”
“But you have since found otherwise. Recent events have made you question yourself.”
“Well,” she sighed, “between a couple of near-death experiences, killing a few humans, almost killing an Elder, finding out my consort has been screwing my best friend behind my back, and now skinny-dipping with a stranger … yeah, I’m kind of lost.”
“You’re not naked.”
Raina blinked at her. “I’m not?”
The Darkest Colors- Exsanguinations Page 28