"Jackson," I reply, giving him the name I rarely use.
He points to a preppy guy leaning against the wall. "That's Shane, and the jock scowling at you is Ford."
Ford breaks, and I wait my turn. Watching the guys interact with the women, I am able to figure out who is together, and who used to be. This group seems to have a habit of swapping partners, and right now there is a redhead wanting a bit of revenge. I'm all too happy to provide it.
Ford's girlfriend slides over next to him while he waits for my partner, Ted the puppy, to finish his streak. His enthusiasm seems to come with a lot of skill.
Ford continues to ignore the girl, but it's more than not noticing her. He's sending her a message, with every action he makes, he's done with her. Doesn't mean she's willing to accept it though, evident in how she's managing her emotions by drowning in a glass of beer.
Predictably, she moves on to trying to make him jealous. Not that this tactic will work, as he seems to genuinely have feelings for her friend. She inches closer to me as the game comes to an end. Ted and I won, through little help from me. No one makes an effort to start another game, more interested in each other than another round.
I get up and head to the bathroom, confident she will follow me. It needs to be her choice. Forcing myself on women isn't necessary or something I'd ever willingly do.
Mere seconds after I close the door, it opens again. With shaking fingers she turns the lock on the door.
"Hi," she says, suddenly timid.
Words aren't necessary. They will only lead her to think our connection is more than physical. Instead, I only nod in response.
"Make me forget," she begs.
Staring at her, I can see I make her uncomfortable. She senses the danger and wants a taste of it. Her sense of self preservation needs work. Not my job to teach her though, not when she's offering me the distraction I need.
"What do you want?"
"I– I told you. Make me forget."
"How? Be specific," I command.
"I want you to fuck me," she blurts out. Her brown eyes go wide, surprised by the words coming out of her own mouth.
"On your knees," I command.
"But, I want–"
"You'll get what you came in here for, if you do as you're told."
She nods, gathers her confidence, and lowers to her knees. Her hair is the wrong color, but I also need to forget. Killing the spark that exists between Raven and I is necessary before it burns me alive.
Thoughts of Raven make my cock twitch, and I unbuckle my belt, seeking relief. Pulling myself free, I start to jerk myself off. She isn't doing it for me, but I can push past my apprehensions.
"Suck," I demand.
She wraps her glossed lips around the head and works me with a practiced technique Raven wouldn't have the first clue how to do. Closing my eyes, I let everything go except for the feeling of her tongue moving along my shaft, and the wet heat of her mouth as she expertly works me.
"Touch your pussy. Make sure you're wet for me."
Eagerly, she moves her hand under her short skirt and begins to rub her clit. She's getting into this, and moans around my dick. The vibration is all I need to be able to move forward.
Tugging at her hair I pull her off of me, and she frowns. "Take your panties off, and hold on to the sink."
She rushes to follow my command, and watches me pull a condom out of my pocket and tear open the package.
"Face forward." Once she's no longer looking at me I cover myself and grab her hips.
"I'm Je–"
"I don't need your name." Her frown is back, but she should know this isn't a romantic hook-up. "You want to fuck, we'll fuck, but that's all this is."
When she nods, I thrust inside of her. I'm not gentle, but she seems to like the way she's being treated. This girl needs a lot of therapy, but her issues aren't my problem.
The room fills with her grunts as I slam into her over and over again. For a moment there's no other thoughts swirling in my head. Nothing exists beyond her moaning, and the tension collecting at the base of my spine.
Soon, the walls of her pussy start to squeeze my cock, and once I'm sure she's coming I let go and spill into the condom. I hold her still as my heart slows down, then pull out and dispose of the condom.
She looks well fucked, but it still won't get her the attention she wants from Ford. Not my problem.
I pull up my pants as she tries to put herself back together. As I move to the door she reaches out and grabs my arm. "Would you like to come home with me? We can have some wine, and–"
"No," I reply.
"Seriously?" she practically screeches.
"I'm not the next guy you can pin your hopes on. This was fun, but it's over."
"Wow, you're a dick," she breathes.
Pausing at the door, I tap on the wood. "But for a little bit you forgot how much you hate Ford."
She nods. "I don't think I'm ever going to be able to hate him," she whispers, and turns back to face the mirror.
I take my chance to escape, and realize I'm not going to be able to fuck Raven out of my head either.
It's late when I return to the apartment. Lucien is sleeping on the couch bed, snoring as he usually does. Raven isn't next to him, and I grit my teeth fearing the situation I'm returning to.
The floor creaks and he becomes instantly awake. "You're back," he says when he realizes it's me.
"Yeah, why are you out here?" Please don't tell me I'm sharing a bed with Raven.
He scratches his head, making his dark hair stand up in multiple directions. "Uh, yeah. She moved in her sleep, and I freaked. Pinned her to the bed and nearly choked her before I remembered where I was."
Shit. I forgot about his nightmares. We both have them, but where she calmed mine, apparently she triggered his.
I nod. No argument I can make will change the fact he is a danger to her when he's sleeping.
Too tired to shower, even though I should, I head to the bedroom. Raven seems small under the blankets, curled up on her side, her long, dark hair fanned across her pillows.
Trying not to wake her, I take off my shoes, and pants to sleep in my t-shirt and boxers. If I'd planned better I would have made sure to have pajamas, but my go bag was made before I even knew she existed.
Pulling back the covers, I try to leave room between us, but she wakes as soon as the bed dips under my weight. Still half asleep she rolls closer to me.
She's as drawn to me as I am to her, and that's part of the problem. If I don't push her away she'll fall into my arms, and she deserves so much more than to be held by hands covered in blood.
"You smell funny," she murmurs. "Is that, perfume?"
"Go back to sleep, Raven," I grumble, my voice rough.
"Oh my god. That's where you went, to find a woman?"
I don't want to hurt her, but this is a sting compared to if I let this thing between us grow. "Yes. I needed to blow off steam, and the perfect way to do that was to find someone to blow me."
"You're a dick," she mutters.
"I've been told that before. Today actually."
She's hurt, and I hate it, but seeing the hopeful look in her eyes when she watches me is torture. Killing that feeling is the only way I know how to handle this. It is, after all, what I do.
Raven has a spine of steel though, despite her youth and inexperience. She grabs her pillow and one of the blankets and storms off.
"Where do you think you're going?" I demand.
"Anywhere you aren't," she tosses back over her shoulder.
"You can't sleep with Lucien. He told me what happened."
She shrugs. "I'll sleep in the bathtub tonight. I don't feel like being pressed up next to eau d'whore all night."
Her indignant reply causes me to chuckle. Totally the wrong response, but not if I really want to push her away. Which I do.
"Fuck you," she snaps.
"No need," I call out to her. "Someone beat you to it."
> She slams the door, and I spend the night tossing and turning.
11
Embers
Raven
Shortly after I set myself up to sleep in the tub, I curse myself. I'd seen an old tv show where this guy only slept in a tub, and thought at the time it didn't look too bad. The makers of that show should get bent.
My body feels like it's been beaten. All of my muscles scream in protest as I try and rise from the tub. Folding the blanket and setting it and my pillow aside I decide to use the tub for how it's intended.
Instead of a bath, I settle on a shower. Spending any more time on my back in that shower is out of the question. Turning the water on hot, I try and force my muscles to relax. It's useless, though, as there's not enough hot water or pressure to unkink my muscles.
When I open the door, Lucien is standing on the other side glaring at the door.
"About fucking time," he sees me holding my bedding, "Wait, did you sleep in there?"
I shrug. "Why? Did Sin try something?"
"Not with me," I grumble, but not quiet enough.
Lucien scratches his chest and looks uncomfortable. "He's not the one for you, little bird."
Something pierces my chest, and emotion clogs my throat. A memory bubbles to the surface. It was right around the last time I saw him. "Don't be afraid, little bird. It won't always be like this. You're better off alone than being here."
"You used to call me that when we were kids, didn't you?"
He nods. "Yeah. We were never given a chance to be close, but that doesn't mean I didn't care. I want you to have a chance to live a normal life, one I've never had. The closer you get to Sin, the less chance of that happening."
"Don't worry. He and I will never be close." I move out of the way and let him have the bathroom. "The hot water only lasted about five minutes," I call out too late as his shriek lets me know he's just stepped into a very cold shower.
I move through the apartment like an old lady, shoulders hunched and feet shuffling along the floor. There's only one thing I need at this moment, one thing I'd be willing to maim for. Coffee.
Yesterday, when I was cleaning I made sure the coffee maker worked and was set up for the morning. Flipping the power on it begins to gurgle my drug of choice into the pot.
Sin chooses this moment to stroll out of the bedroom looking better than he deserves. I still can't get the sickly sweet scent of perfume out of my nose, and I wonder if that was his goal all along. Well, he can go deep throat a cactus, because I'm done with men and their mind games.
He can go fuck an entire brothel for all I care. I hope his dick turns gangrenous and falls off. Deep down, I know this problem is all mine. Like the stupid, innocent girl I've been forced to remain, I fabricated a connection between us. I set myself up for disappointment, but it's one lesson bringing me closer to the woman I will be.
When I was a little girl, one of my nannies told me a story about a raven building her nest. She gathered bits and pieces of trash to construct her home. One piece of wood she pulled from a fire pit had a smoldering ember. When it met the string and dried grass that spark took hold, and soon the entire nest went up in flames.
My anger boils under my skin, much like that smoldering ember carried by the bird I'm named for. Sooner or later I'm going to come in contact with my kindling, and I'll burn the world down along with me. Maybe then, once my rage is spent, will I be able to find my normal. One thing I am sure of though, I'm done letting anyone else tell me how that is going to look.
"You're staring awfully hard at that coffee pot," Sin interrupts my inner musings. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Do you think I'd be trying to will coffee to brew faster if I had?" I snap.
"You didn't have to sleep in the tub," he grumbles.
I can't stand here next to him, picturing his hands on another woman, without at least caffeine to help me control my mouth. "You've had long enough," I mutter to the pot, and replace it with my mug.
Drip, drip, drip. I'm not sure why I thought it would come flooding out into my cup faster than it was going into the pot. I'm committed now though, and I will have my coffee.
When my cup is half full, I switch it back with the pot. It isn't nearly enough to get me through the day, but it's a start.
"Not a morning person?" he asks.
I raise my brows at him. "Really? You are going to try and have a conversation with me?"
He sighs. "Come on, princess."
"Don't. Fucking. Call. Me. Princess," I all but growl.
He smirks. "That's what you are, though. You're the princess of the Blackthorne empire."
"Is that why?"
"Why what?" he asks confused.
"Why you went out and screwed a stranger. You need to push me away, because of who I am."
"Don't flatter yourself. I fucked that girl last night because I wanted to get off. She was willing, and knew how to suck a dick. Even if you weren't daddy's little princess, I still wouldn't have chosen you because I don't break in virgins."
Sweet innocent little Raven. Always treated like I'm made of glass. Funny thing about glass, you can shatter it, but the pieces that remain are jagged and dangerous to touch. I've been shattered for years. Pieced together shard by shard. Tempered in fire, and stronger for the damage I've sustained. No one knows me, because no one's bothered to try.
"I've grown up in all girls' schools. All of the students were girls, but not all of the staff," I throw out and storm out of the room.
He follows me and cages me against the wall. "What the fuck does that mean?" He's seething, and I'm surprised to find I enjoy his anger. I know he wants me to fear him, but I don't.
"It means, don't assume you know everything about me."
His fist hits the wall near my head. Instantly he's pulled away, and staring straight at an angry Lucien.
"What the hell is going on here?" Lucien demands.
Sin throws his hand out toward me. "Ask your sister. She's the one making cryptic comments about men at her old school."
"Raven?" he asks me.
I blink up at eyes that mirror my own. "Lucien."
He scrubs a hand through his hair, a nervous gesture I'm coming to recognize. "Were you assaulted by a teacher?"
I look away from him. "No." The reply tastes bitter on my tongue, but it’s the truth as I choose to see it.
"Thank god," he mutters.
"I had an affair with a teacher's assistant."
"What the fuck, Raven?" he shouts. "Do you know what father would have done to you if he found out?"
"I'd have to know him to guess that," I answer.
"Damnit! He'd have killed you. He wants to sell your virginity to the highest bidder."
I shrug. "Too late."
"Jesus fucking Christ, it's a good thing we got you out of that house when we did." He hurries out of the room, muttering obscenities all the way to the kitchen, leaving me alone with Sin.
"Who was it?" he demands.
"None of your business."
"I don't believe you," he insists.
"I don't need you to. You made an assumption, and I set you straight. Go fuck half the world. I really don't give a shit."
"This doesn't change anything between us. We aren't going to happen."
A laugh bubbles out of me. "Why do you think I want something to happen between us? I'm not a silly little girl, no matter how much you want to shove me in that box."
"Be careful, Raven," he coos. The tone of his voice at odds with the threat he's giving me. "I'm not a good guy."
"So you've both told me."
He walks away, leaving me alone to get dressed. Part of me understands why he went out last night. The need to connect to another person, in any way you are capable is powerful. Not to mention, being cooped up in this apartment without an occasional escape we'll go mad.
I've got news for them both. My days of being locked away are over. I'm getting out of this apartment today.
An uncomfort
able silence hangs between the three of us since this morning. For the last several hours I've sat alone in the bedroom, wondering what I'm going to do to stay busy. There's no television in the apartment, and since we left without warning I don't have a single book to entertain me.
The door opens and closes, and I realize Lucien has left for his first day at work. Being left alone with Sin is torture because I don't want to be anywhere near the gorgeous bastard.
The shower kicks on, and I'm on my feet. He messed around with the water heater earlier, but there's no guarantee it worked yet. Which means I have five minutes to leave the apartment if I don't want his overbearing ass breathing insults down my neck.
Outside, the scent of barbecue wafts up from the tiny courtyard. There are a couple of picnic tables in about as good shape as everything else around here. Splintered wood seems to be held by little more than peeling paint. Weeds grow in planter boxes.
However, despite the lack of visual appeal, I'm drawn to the mess. It's a far cry from the sterile and controlled environments I was raised in. It's chaos and ugly, but there's freedom in there that I have never felt before. No one is trying to force the space to be something it isn't. Yes, it's marked by poverty, but it doesn't pretend to be anything more than it is. It's not another prison masquerading as a girls' school, and for that alone I'm grateful.
A group of men gather around camp chairs drinking beer they are grabbing from a cooler. My brother and Sin would be wary, but they continue to fail to see me for who I am.
"Oh! You must be our new neighbor! We heard from Greasy Gerry there was a girl that just moved in." The guy jumps up to greet me. He's open and eager, and nothing about him screams threat.
"Yeah, I am sharing with my brother and his roommate until I can figure out what I'm doing next. I just graduated and didn't take life planning seriously."
"What's your name?" the guy asks.
"Alice," I reply. Not sure where the name came from, but I knew enough not to give him my real name.
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